Once I was overrun by love

Dear Bloggers,

Every one knows that Valentine’s Day is the day that everyone declares their love for that special person in their life. Receiving flowers from the person who has won your heart on this day is always special, and when a girl receives an amazing bouquet of red roses on Valentines Day she’s riding high for the rest of the day.  It’s great to make someone feel that happy.

The feeling of being in love is the best. When you meet someone and have that instant spark. You hit it off right from the start and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. When hours of being together feel like minutes. When you can get an hour of sleep and still feel high on life the next day. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty when we feel like you’ve met “the one” (finally!). You start fantasizing about the future and are convinced that the other person is on the same page you are. And you should tell her about this roller coaster of feelings but your bloody brains are blocking. And no I am not a shy guy and yes she is still a real friend.

And then it ended for several years, I was a real ass and yes she stopped being my friend. It broke my heart and I was devastated. As always my life continued and in the years that passed I met my lovely wife. Yes we are together for many years and our love is still going strong. Although I have many things on my mind I am thinking back about these wonderful times of my youth.

And I was not only heartbroken, but shocked because it seemed so right and I wouldn’t understand what went wrong. Contrary to what romantic comedies may have us believe, this is actually fairly common and not necessarily a bad thing. I know that is not comforting if you are in the pain of a break-up, but stay with me because understanding why the one you thought was going to be forever ended may offer you some relief.

What I have seen in my own surroundings over and over again is that they met someone who has all the qualities that they have dreamed about, and they are so happy when they are with that person. And then the relationship ends often in a very abrupt and harsh way or because of uncontrollable or unchangeable circumstances. It almost feels like the person is literally being taken away. Well they kind of are, and for a good reason, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Why does a relationship that seemed to feel so right end?  So that you can truly see what is so amazingly “right” about yourself.

I’ll try to explain this…

Just as people are here to teach us where we have judgments and unresolved issues, they are also here to illuminate what is so amazing about ourselves that we are not acknowledging, owning and experiencing. If you have been with someone you thought was the one, you probably found certain qualities about him or her incredibly attractive.  You also may have said, “She brought out the best in me!” Exactly. She did bring out the best of you, but it’s your job to keep it going. They fulfilled their spiritual agreement with you by attracting you with their awesome qualities to reflect to you what you are not seeing about yourself. And by triggering the best inside of you so you could have the experience of your awesomeness. But it wasn’t their job to stay.

When she was around I felt beautiful and confident. I consistently told her that and did things that made her feel happy. And then all of a sudden she had a boyfriend, Inside I was a wreck and my wounded heart was burning of jealousy and I couldn’t tell her. She loved him so much and treated him with love, respect and kindness. Now that he is gone, her confidence has plummeted and she is desperately attempting to figure out what she did wrong. In the same period I was a ….. and she told me to take a hike.

She did not do anything wrong (and neither did I if I can relate to any part of her story). Sometimes the real life sometimes “reassigns” a person to support you in fully integrating what they were reflecting and/or catalyzing inside of you. And to protect you from a dependent relationship. For example, if you were really attracted to their creativity or drive, one of their gifts to you was to inspire you to reconnect with your creativity or drive. Or as in my case, before this friendship I never felt beautiful and I had very little confidence in the fact that a girl could love me for what I was.  My ex girlfriend made a gap in my brain that I had been just another empty boyfriend for nearly half a years time. In order for her to fully step on my heart and break it into thousands of pieces.

We cannot see in another what we don’t have inside ourselves. If you feel like the person brought out a quality of yours like creativity, you are incorrect. They merely triggered what has been always inside of you. No one else can make us anything that we aren’t already. If the person was still there, you would not be as motivated to be the things you miss about them or the version of you that you were with them.

Remember no one is the “one” because everyone is the one. Every single person you have a relationship with (and I don’t just mean romantically) is a soul mate because they are teaching your soul lessons. We all are mirrors and teachers for each other to learn our life’s program.

I understand that nothing feels quite as devastating as not being able to be with the one you thought was the “one.” But this is just short-term devastation. What would be devastating long-term is never truly integrating the amazing qualities you saw or experienced with or in that other person.

The purpose of any relationship is for our learning and to grow into love, both for another and for ourselves. It is not necessarily that you have to be together forever, although it makes us happy, or it fulfills emptiness in our lives. I encourage you to move through the pain and get to the purpose of your relationship.  Begin to see how it served you.

You can only bring out the best in you.  It’s there believe me and stop looking for it in the eyes or arms of another. And when you bring out the best in yourself then you will be able to share it with someone who brings out the best in themselves, too. No more wondering if someone else is the “one”.

You are the one you have been looking for.

The Old Sailor,

PTSD is often a life sentence

Dear Bloggers,

PTSD is often a life sentence

Where are the therapies, the support, the compassion for those dealing with trauma?

Victims suffering from post traumatic stress injuries are not only members of the police or armed forces. Victims can be anyone; man, woman or child. Most of them struggle every day with their trauma. Many women who have suffered rape and other forms of abuse, suffer further from treatment from the courts. Interestingly, they are said to have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) while soldiers are said to have post traumatic stress injuries. 

Post traumatic stress disorder is a wrong name. It is an injury. Disorder suggests the victim is somehow responsible for not functioning normally. PTSD victims are frightened and powerless but not responsible for their injuries. Many (sexual) assault victims suffer from PTSD and seemingly insignificant incidents can trigger panic attacks and create difficulty in functioning. When someone with PTSD commits suicide it is because they can no longer cope with their injuries. Unable to receive satisfactory treatment they take the only way they see out of their suffering.

We like to make others believe that we treat everyone the same. We don't. In my own surroundings I did a bit of survey about 49 per cent said they would socialize with a person who they would call in their normal life a friend with a mental health issue. Only question is did all the respondents gave honest answers? About 51 per cent of people around us would avoid “friends” with PTSD.

Trying to have a normal loving relationship with any man is nearly impossible. Innocent of any wrong, they suffer for the rest of their lives. And even you have been together for many years they simply cannot trust you fully anymore.

People cannot gauge the victim's suffering. Even some doctors have difficulty dealing with patients with PTSD and only offer prescription drugs as a cure. Instead of being supportive, we compound their injuries.

Talking about the trauma may be an attempt by victims to heal, to be accepted back into society. They turn to friends and family for help, but all too often the emotional impact of the trauma isn't understood and victims retreat into their shell for self protection.

A simple incident, a voice, a word, a car, anything, can bring on flashbacks and trigger the victim into a panic. Days and nights are filled with nightmares, lack of sleep, sweats, and rage. The stigma attached to victims often prevents many from seeking help until it is too late and there is little or no chance of recovery.

Most serious is the risk of suicide. When every waking moment is spent feeling rejected and alone, in fear and exaggerated alertness, ready to run in an instant, thoughts turn to suicide as the only way to find peace. This is most of the times in the first phase of the traumatized person.

Unable to work, some eventually receive some social assistance, but it's seldom enough for them to live comfortably. Reduced to below-poverty existence and forgotten, these once-productive citizens become a troubled group in society.

Recently, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) a relatively new treatment has shown some promise. But where does a victim get this help? Only a few specialized psychologists and a couple of psychiatrists are registered with EMDR

Many victims, are losing their job and after two years of sick pay they will get unemployed and they are struggling to live on disability allowance. Instead of having a social life, they continue suffering, unable to contribute in any positive way to their own care, they depend on the care of their children or their families.

Where is the equal treatment for PTSD victims? Lucky us our insurance gives us kind of free health care? We cry out against human rights abuses in other countries but deprive our victims of their right to proper health care, to a life without fear, to security of their person? It's time we helped these innocent victims instead of adding to their abuse.

Traumatic life-threatening events often leave emotional scars, which, like physical scars, remain with an individual for the rest of their lives

I’m so tired of having PTSD…in fact I am so tired of forgetting for a moment that I have it only to have it come back and smack me in the face. That is what my wife tells me after a period of making a step back. I hate acknowledging it’s presence because then I have to accept that it is never going away and that's though as a spouse.

No matter how hard she tries, no matter how much work she does, PTSD will always be there. On some level I know it is about managing symptoms but tonight is a not to good one and I just wish it would go away.

She complained the other day to her therapist: I am so afraid of silly things and I am jumping at the slightest touch from my partner. I am not sleeping during the night and I am walking around the house. Either way if I sleep or walkabout, I wake up exhausted. I’m eating everything in sight that contains sugar and I am quickly rebuilding that wall that exists between me and the rest of the world. I want to return to old ways of coping…anything to feel comfortable in my skin. My partner is very patient but I am tired of him needing to be. I am tired of working so hard to do the right thing to only end up needing his help and support.

Luckily the racing thoughts are not back as full force as they once were and I am still able to outrun them by a bit. I am tired of living each day wondering is today the day I wont be able to manage the symptoms. Is today the day I have the meltdown that let’s the whole world know about my struggles with PTSD?

She does sometimes get to a point where life is good and she feels strong and in control of her symptoms. Today is not one of those days. I do understand that the PTSD is the result of managers abuse that I endured for 3 years. I also understand that the psychological abuse was not my fault. And in this case I could not see what was happening and even though I advised her to knock on some persons doors, none of them stopped the abuse as nobody did stop the psychological abuse he was such a “good guy” he had a free hand. What I don’t understand is why it came with a life sentence.

I think PTSD is different for everyone who experiences it. All the emotions that accompanied the original trauma were as fresh as the day you experience them. The worst part of PTSD for my wife are the nightmares, the hyper-vigilance, the adrenalin rush and the stress of always being focused on my surroundings. PTSD is, more than anything, an in-your-face realization of your own mortal nature and of the fragility of life itself. Headaches, fatigue, discomfort in places where there are large numbers of people (7-10 and up), fully hit by panic attacks, anxiety disorders, emotional numbing and inability to have close relationships can be a problem as well.

Typical phrase from my wife: "Therapy, re framing, EMDR, and a variety of techniques have worked well for me, but I admit, there are many days it is just a relief not to have to leave the house."

The Old Sailor,

when falling in love is a strange part of life

Dear Bloggers,

In my younger years I haven't been the greatest Casanova. I was not a very quiet person and I can be funny sometimes but as soon it came to the feelings thing something made me insecure and yes I spoke my mind and not always in the best way. Some moments I was pretty drunk and other moments I could be shy or absolutely not being focused on the signals. Somehow I managed to miss out a lot of these occasions and yes some them were really pretty. Anyway I ended up in a couple of relationships and with all these girls I was absolutely serious. I simply could not stop that particular loving feeling and my whole world got different on those moments. It feels like your brain is spinning and I could not get enough of it.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you got your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else loving you. You worry about your ex girlfriend finding love before you do, and of course they did. You worried about the fact that you will end up being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well again at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart into a million peaces. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and awareness. “My ex never liked fast food. Why the hell does this one eat so much fries and burgers?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very shocking. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and make you feel the need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions. Otherwise you might do somethings wrong and get lost in a frustrating swamp of emotional trouble.

The second or even a third time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a truckload of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? What is happening to my brain it's getting totally into the mixed up mode again. I think it starts with us having a moment together in some pub or cafe having a coffee or tea, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a horse though. You never really forget.

This second time you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. These bloody hormones are gearing up in your body and the butterflies in your stomach are untamable.
By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a comeback at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after a while. At least that is what you're hoping for. 

At the third time you should be a trained professional and your heart has some scars from former loves and you are wearing the medals of this battlefield called love. When you fall in love with someone, you will learn on the way and with a second or third lover you hopefully have better sex. This is pure my opinion so do not pin me down on this.

Anyway no matter if it is the first, second or third one that you fall in love with someone it will still be exciting and new, you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. At a certain moment it will start feeling more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making a cup of tea for each other in the morning and giving her breakfast in bed as it feels like something romantic. maybe even getting a place of our own with a dog and some cats. 

This is how you start of making a happy family home. I got settled with the fourth person I fell in love with, the other three left me with a broken heart and mixed feelings about if it would be all worth it, because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would never have stayed with me as she never ever really fell in love with me.

The fourth time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The third time can involve some amazing love. And the fourth time is still going strong for already twenty three years in a row. It is the best one I ever had and I am still in love the flame is still burning.

The Old Sailor,

How to stay in balance

Dear Bloggers,

The happiness season is on our doorstep again and this will be the second Christmas with my spouse who is suffering from PTSD. Our family is dealing with the situation and our eldest daughter is together with me the ones that give informal care. I have had a couple of comments come to me about “balance”, and a few made me realize that there is more to talk about regarding this subject.

First of all I have to add my note here…I am not a doctor of any sort or in any medical field, the information I bring to you is based on our personal experiences, opinions, and what we have learned along the way in this life journey. I am simply a spouse and a caregiver of one with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and other medical conditions… that brings awareness and support to others through our personal lives.

Balance is a word that I want to use a lot. Okay, more than a lot, more like all of the time, it’s extremely important to me and more than just a word, it’s a part of life. It’s a word that in reality years ago I did not even think about, and sure had no need to use that word as everything was running smoothly (so I thought), I did not realize that it was even something that existed when it came to “life”… or was needed. When I heard others use the words “balance” and “energy”, was another, I just tossed them to the side, “What? I don’t need those!” I was one of those people just like many others that just loved life, and life was something you just lived. So why would I need this thing called “balance” ? It was just another word, that back then, I myself dismissed. I was working like a mad man some days about sixteen hours and always with a smile.

After PTSD and other mental conditions became a part of our lives, I learned really fast what “unbalance” was! That foot-loose, carefree, just love and live life to it’s fullest person I was, changed! All of a sudden everything in life became serious, things happening brought an urgency, and along with that came worry, anxiety, panic, discomfort, fear, emotional hurt, and the list could keep going. That’s what I myself was experiencing, and I’m not the one with PTSD, my spouse is! None of these things were me, they hurt, and I had to find this crazy thing called balance again. Then, take all of those things my spouse did like cleaning house and paying bills, taxes and making phone calls to companies that messed up their own administration. For those who never done this kind of tasks, I can tell you it is a lot, NO, that’shoukd be overwhelmingly a lot!

It took a life experience, okay we had many experiences to the point it seemed like we were in total new period in our life and it was on the dark side of it, for me to realize and start understanding that life does indeed NEED a kind of balance. It does not matter if your life is great or your life is like hell, that term “balance” and putting it to use, can really change things.

Let me back up for a second, I used the term “hell”. I do not use or say that word very often. So if you hear it, it’s serious and here’s my view of what that means. It is the deepest, darkest, no view of a way out, You've been dropped in a black hole, you will fall in where no matter how hard you struggle it will bring you to your knees. There’s no light, there’s no hope, and that place will push you to want to give up. A place lacking balance. Okay, that’s “hell” to me, you get my point. Thank God, I am an old army guy and theres only one way even your wounded partner needs to go there and that is going forward.

I was recently told, “I’m glad you found and have a balance in your relationship, wish we had that…” I stopped what I was doing when I heard that, and I really sat back and thought about it and the way it was used in this particular sentence. I did not take it in a negative way, but the way it was said was a little misleading of a thought to what balance is for us. As well as what it takes and what comes with it.

Balance is not something that you get or find, and then it just stays there. Balance takes constant work, a lot of energy and time, effort, it takes a “give and take” when it comes to the relationship, which is difficult with someone having PTSD it is a real part of life. And there are times, many times, that balance is not present and we have to work to get it back, or some sort of back that we can manage and live with, for whatever length of time it remains.

Then there is still the fact that I am in a caregiver role, My spouse has very real life mental conditions to where I have to help as there are a lot of challenges, which means there is not and will not be an equal balance in our relationship. Again we had to find a balance that was comfortable for us, and continue working on balance itself. I had to let go of what was our balance or normal before the mental conditions. The brain and the way it functions now, does not allow for an equal balance, it’s something we continue to work on. That acceptance is what helps us have a balance. Living with mental illness is tough enough without adding to the burden of illness the pain of rejection and stigma.

At the moment there are no high expectations, or an expectation that things will be equal again, the only expectations at hand are that we can make it work together. It is a constant effort, as well as neither of us giving up on each other or giving in to PTSD. Balance is not something that comes easy, it does take hard work and effort, as well as keeping in mind that her brain does not function like it used to. Which again, is something that we continue to work on because there is always that chance it can always be better than it is today, only time holds the answer to that.

Then you have personal balance. Now, this one I have pretty much mastered, if there even is such a thing. However, I am human and at times I will lose my self balance for a moment (just like anyone else). That’s when I have to reflect on myself, who or how I truly am, whatever experiences or situations were at hand, use my coping skills, take time to think, then approach and talk about what happened… address the situation or why I became unbalanced.

I learned that pointing fingers gets you no where good, excuses are not a part of this process it’s about explaining so you can move forward together and understand each other, repair the unbalance, as well as the relationship with whomever is involved. And at times it is just simply me that lost focus, or just simply having a bad day. Accepting and admitting without dwelling on self blame or with guilt, along with everything else I did, mentioned above, when a human unbalance comes, is how I find my balance again. Again, it takes effort, work, as well as reflecting on yourself… and either person can learn to do this.

I am a firm believer that there is always something else that can be done, it may take time to find what works or to understand how, but never lose hope, there is something. We know that PTSD does not just go away, some may be able to place it in a box, but the reality is it is still there and only takes one trigger to bring it back out. Life changed, for each of us. PTSD is there for life and you only can make the best out of it. Happy holidays and enjoy what you have got, live life and think about having some balance in your life.

The Old Sailor,

When days get shorter and nights colder

Dear Bloggers,

Summer has ebbed away, leaving her ghosts flirting with memories, occasional warm episodes all too soon laid to rest by gales ripping up the Dutch coastline. Even though the temperatures are to high for the time of the year. 

It is hard to predict the weather from one day to the next, but the night cannot lie, nor masquerade as if it was still September with flat dark blue seas and smooth sailings. Although the evenings are getting chilly and I start up my wood fire and make it cosy with some candlelight.

It reminds me of my youth in the little village of Langweer were the summertime is hard work for a lot and at the end of October winter’s slumber will soon begin again. Slowly but surely the nights are drawing in…

The past few weeks have presented a chance for solving the more pressing physical problems that inevitably are the result from running a rough sailor's life. This is perhaps the biggest challenge for those who choose this life and how blissful though it may be, it can be hard bloody work at times, a precarious balance of improvisation and loads of stressful situations. 

All the determination to carry on come what may, seems to have seeped up into a nightmare more rarefied realms and how sweet the reply! They have given me with a series of special people who have helped me do battle with all things physical. And yes I battled my way out and started a new chapter in my life.

Finally, the solution to my oldest headache… the twisted mind is my saviour as the situation at home is pretty challenging. Despite my protests, they refused to take action and it knocked out my spouse fully all for a fine job, leaving me speechless with frustration. My wife is the best thing that has happened in my life. She did not hold me back and I explored a lot of challenging situations in my days at sea. I love her too bits and she is absolutely all worth it. Okay some days are pretty awkward and hectic. I could have had a boring life.

My life is like being on an old vessel it is getting harder and harder to find spare parts for it and the domestic items that make life a little more bearable as these winter nights draw in. What would I do without these dark and cold nights? It is almost impossible to live here without some transportation. Northern region of the Netherlands is a car culture, for sure, with miles between places. In the bigger places you have buses running.

The magic is still there but it is sometimes hard to make everything happen. So once again, I would like to thank you all so much for your hospitality and friendship. And I would like to thank everyone that gave us hand or even a listening ear. My gratitude is immense.

And so ends this short update from the far North. You are all aware that most of my posts come during the months when I am the happiest during the summertime; however, through the winter months, an occasional update will pop up every month, but it is a time-consuming process writing a blog and quite invasive of one’s inner peace at times. 

I have oft times considered terminating it, but then all of a sudden a special message and the new people that I've met, have kept this old sailor cruising on, and that it will do, until lack of interest confines it to memory, after all: everything in life will pass....

The Old Sailor,