Hopefully the last time that we moved house

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have moved house four times in just over twenty years. You think that my family and I would be really good at moving, but there is always something that trips us up every time.

After having lived in the same house for 23 years, I left my parental home and moved in with the girl I fell in love with. She rented a little Apartment in a medium sized village. We bought our first house in the village where I was born and where I grew up. Although I was young and restless and had my challenges fulfilled as a man with tons of ideas. In the army I found that life could be tricky and some of us are not getting really old they faced death at an early stage. After that I worked in discotheques and restaurants served people with joy. Although these jobs were for the summer season and I had to work in factories during the rest of the time and it was not paying that well. I started looking for a new challenge and went sailing on a small cruise liner. Here I found joy only thing that was missing was my little miss. Being homesick I left after one cruise and picked up the old jobs again. My dearest surprised me with an application for a new starting route with Scandinavian Seaways and a job as a waiter. After getting married and our first born a financial crisis struck and I lost my job. I tried many different paths but nothing brought real satisfaction. I was so happy when I received a phone call to serve on the Hamburg to Harwich route. Difference was leaving to loves of my life behind to live my dream. We moved to another small village close to my wife’s parents so they could babysit if necessary. And we were talking about a second child as our former home was too small for it. Then the Tax office was making mistake after mistake and almost seized our home as we started to run out of money. I have the mentality of a streetfighter and don’t give up easy. We sold our house and got challenged to get a much lower mortgage and less to live in. We went from a new home to an old and lived out house and had to start all over from scratch.   

 

I had a dream that wouldn't let me rest. I wanted to renovate our old home and turn it into the house that we wanted.  My wife bought into my vision and after almost ten years we looked for a house that we could afford and that we could transform. The deadline for the sale of our beautiful home was coming closer and closer and we had a fourth night left to pack our stuff and move on.

In February 2018, we finally found it - an old, never updated in the last forty-some years. A little family home that was about to be collapsing under its conditions. It didn't have many features - except for a farmers door as a front door, floorboards that were moving with you. It had an outdoor laundry room in the shed and a very tiny toilet room and a tiny, dirty kitchen that was barely functional. Even the electricity had to be removed as it was more than forty years old. Also the plumbing had to be redone. So we took the floors out and started from scratch to remodel the intestines of the house. Fortunately, it had a bit of a yard were we could drop of all the old crap that was removed, the company having containers for all the wood, doors, drywall, bricks, concrete and whatever had been stuck in this house was located close to our house. We had several of them and if you sort it out it saves a pretty penny. After everything was renewed and brought up to todays standards. The foam concrete floor was poured and the underfloor heating was installed the next day. A week later the screed floor and the next week the tiled floor. Finally it was habitable again. In the weeks that followed, the electrical work was done and the plasterers did the walls downstairs. The upstairs was now ready for use because we lived in the middle of this construction site.

At a certain point, the ceilings were also installed and the house could be furnished with all the things that were in the garage and after almost 4 years of renovation, not all of them looked as good anymore. That night I woke up to a searing plastic smell. I looked out the window at the front and saw a bit of smoke. I had a bad feeling and went downstairs to see if everything was okay. I opened the back curtains and saw a flame dancing behind the garage window.

I raised the alarm and ran upstairs woke the children and sent them outside my wife grabbed the dogs and went out the front door. All my tools and materials burned as well as some of the furniture and all the paperwork and our other clothes. The blow was hard and complicated for someone with a trauma and two relatively young children. Yet we would overcome this too. Tough as nails they say. Even though my wife could not find her way as the city has its noises like: traffic noise. screaming sirens of fire brigade, police and ambulances. But also drunken youngsters on weekends and holidays were not uncommon. All year round some stupid guests let off firecrackers which made the dogs react rather nervously and bark out of fear. We decided to sell the property and find something more quiet again. We successfully found a house that needed a great bit of love to make it up to our standards again.

 

So we bought it. The pressure was then on to fix up our current house and pack up our stuff. We had to do a load of work to get the house ready for moving day. And a month is not enough to get everything up and running. Impossible is not in my vocabulary and everyone tried to be ready on the deadlines, not easy for the people that had to do the jobs. The bathroom was one of the issues as the guy that had to install it just gave up on us as he had no time left. My contractor found another plumber and the electrical work I took up for a great deal myself and another company made the new outlets for the freezer and the fridge. Still not everything is done but there is time now to do things later like painting the ceilings and walls.

 

Also, the garage floor needs to be demolished and then re-poured and will have underfloor heating and a tile floor put in. Furthermore, the garage will be split. the front will be my workshop and the back will be the utility room and laundry room for my wife. So still a lot to do in the coming time. Someday it will all be done and the dream will be complete. When I reach retirement I hope the chores will be over.

There is something about living in a house for a long time. You accrue a lot of things. And dare I say, my wife is most probably a hoarder. I am the one that keeps a lot of stuff if it comes to building. Tools I have average. We had quite a big garage, but the amount of stuff I had stored in there was phenomenal (that even excluded all the equipment for the garden I had stored at another location).

Planning the move took a lot of time and lots of tiny decisions. We planned on moving out the big things, the things we could see. Anything we didn't need for a couple of months we packed up and sent to our new rented storage room that we had in regional storage center. I spent countless nights boxing things. And registered all the goods in a spreadsheet. By the time we had our first open for inspection, it looked like we lived this magical, idealized life of a tidy house and lots of floor space (see photo above). It was like living in a sales folder with the perfect family.

 

It felt like a mirage.

When we finally moved (and had still five months) to prepare, we thought it would be easy. After all, we had most of our things in storage and we had also sold or donated a lot of things. I booked a big truck for a day.

By 2pm on moving day, it became painfully obvious things weren't going well. There were still so many boxes to get into the truck. By the time we arrived at our new house, it was dusk. We decided to stop for the night and get the rest tomorrow. The next morning we started early again and literally shoved all the furniture into our new house (so we couldn't use any rooms except the bedrooms).

Thankfully, we weren't living there on the first night. We went back to our old, clean house and slept on mattresses on the floor. We were exhausted and got a little scared of what laid ahead.

The next day was even worse. It was settlement day. I started cleaning and packing up the bits and pieces strewn around the home at 6am. By 10.30am, we were getting frantic calls from our real estate agent about when we would hand in the keys. At 11am, I had to go to the solicitor for the legal paperwork our real estate agent was not there as they were having a day out with the personnel.

We got out of there by 10am the sale had gone through. It seemed like a tiny cause for celebration.

In the end, it wasn't the big pieces of furniture that made our move so traumatic. It was all the bits of stuff we had accrued that I didn't know existed, as well as all the little things I didn't know what to do with. Random cables, pieces of plastic from unknown items, storage containers, pet toys.

 

Yet, what I severely underestimated was that it just wasn't our physical stuff that took a long time to sort, it was also the emotional baggage that lay trapped underneath. From exposing a hidden conflict with my spouse - her deep need to be surrounded by a lot of stuff and my need to have very little, as well as the more held back emotions of my wife as she started feeling lonely as I was not the best guy anymore as I forgot about us and was to busy with all the things to keep running our daughter (who is still traumatized by leaving her okay city home).

The annual house moves took a toll on both of us and trying to believe we were finally moving back home to a settled and easier life. The vision of a beautiful, clean and bigger house that was all ours had long lost its shine (or as our 20 year old proclaimed, "You have been promising this house to me since I was 16 and now I'm planning when I can leave home."

Yet, the whole experience has taught me a lot about when I can push people to change and when I cannot, as well as not ignoring the little things  become so overwhelming and energy-zapping.

During a move, you know not to throw every family member's clothes into one big box. You sort them into individual boxes. It makes it so much easier to unpack when you get to your destination.

 Change isn't something that comes naturally to humans.

 

A quote I heard recently "The old needs to drop away before the new can arise within you." Yet, we stubbornly hold onto the past and fear the new. Moving house is a process of allowing the old to fall away. It can be traumatic because we become so emotionally attached with where we are. Yet, sometimes there is something bigger and better waiting for us that we need to experience, in order to be the person we want to be. 

Everyone evolves at their own pace. Planning a big move or change is really about giving our brains the time it needs to absorb that a new life is ahead of us. Some of us hold on tightly to where we are because it feels comforting and safe, while others jump onboard the change train gleefully and excited. 

It's not until we have moved that we can finally let go of our old daily habits and behaviors. Sometimes the move is positive as we experience new things that light us up and give our lives meaning and joy.  Other times, the move is negative and we find ourselves trapped in a small place that feels like our freedom and autonomy has been reduced. What I learnt is to keep the dialogue open between family members. Focusing on the dream house didn't work with one teenager. Giving them the time and space to vent and complain seemed to be what they needed, as well as not reacting negatively to things they said that were hurtful. 

In years to come, I know I will look back at this time as when myself and my family transcended our limitations and stepped into a new reality. A time when we all learnt individually who we really are and how to interact better with one another during uncertainty and pressure.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

No News today

Dear Bloggers,

We bought another house and being busy refurbishing, I will update you later so this month no blog. See you Soon 

 The Old Sailor,

When This Life Ends A New Life Begins

 

Dear Bloggers,

Just before springtime comes and every now and then there’s a little ray of sunshine that brightens up the dark days of the wintertime. Even if live life to the fullest and you are still making loads of plans. But somehow your sickness is kicking in and slowly but surely the body has to give up bit by bit. And at a certain moment your days are counted.

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“Life starts and it ends with a breath, in between these two breaths lays a story; a child is born and explores the world; the child smiles and cries; the child lives and becomes a man; the man learns that life is neither good or bad, just beautiful the way it is.

Life ends on this earth by letting go of the first breath, because the man knows that letting go is the path that leads to freedom; and then life begins again purer than ever.”

Think about the flowers. Life is just a bunch of pretty pictures. All this is supposed to do is force you beyond the mind, when you realize that you can't figure it out.

People often wonder what they should say to a person who is dying. It is understandable that you might feel confused – what you feel might be so complex that it is hard to find the right words, or any words at all. It is natural to worry about saying the wrong thing. You may want to offer something that will help them cope but don’t know what that is. It is usually better to say something than to pretend nothing is wrong.

Most times, someone who is dying will find comfort in you being there, and appreciate knowing that family and friends are thinking of them. Even if you feel you’re not doing anything, just being there sends the message that you care.

It isn't clear how long a person who is dying retains awareness of what is going on around them, but research suggests that some degree of awareness may remain even after the person slips from unconsciousness.

Often, people will lapse into a coma before they die—a deep state of unconsciousness and unresponsiveness. People in a coma may still hear people talking even when they can no longer respond. Because of this, the health department suggests that caregivers, family, and physicians should behave as if the dying person is aware of what is going on and is able to hear and understand voices.

 

A 2020 study that investigated hearing in palliative care patients who were close to death provides evidence that some people may still be able to hear while in an unresponsive state. (EEG) was used to measure the dying brain's response to sound. The findings suggest that telling a person you love them in their final may register with them.

Dying is a natural process that the body has to work at. Just as a woman in labor knows a baby is coming, a dying person may instinctively know death is near. Even if your loved one doesn't discuss their death, they most likely know it is coming.

In some cases, the person may come from a culture or a family in which death is simply not discussed. Furthermore, your loved one may sense that others feel uncomfortable recognizing the dying process so they don't want to bring it up.

 

Death can then become the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there but no one will acknowledge it. Family discussions may be awkward and superficial and never reach an intimate level.

Talking about death is rarely easy. Many of us feel uncomfortable even saying the words "death" or "dying." Talking about it with a loved one who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness can be especially awkward.

 

First, remember that you are talking to someone who is still living, and that talking about memories and shared experiences honors the dying person's life. Experiencing sadness with the loved one is appropriate; that's part of life, too.

If necessary, a therapist or a social worker with experience in this area can make these conversations easier.

 

The flowers will fade no matter what but the memories we made will never be lost.

The Old Sailor,

Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,

 

Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process through talking and writing. I think you do the same with writing and I love that about us. Yet, talking needs a listener and listening takes energy. So does talking.

 

Yes, I have been learning something similar about myself. 

 

My need for verbally exchange is so much greater than most writers. We came to the conclusion in one therapy session that my brain actually might need external forms of processing … getting words out (writing or speaking), having someone listen, and getting verbal and visual reactions. Sounds like a very right-brain form of processing. 

 

My brain is running around in many different directions total chaos is also a system on the other hand, I am processing things internally. Quiet time, self-reflection (without writing it, just “down time”) by taking a walk or even engaging in some relaxing activity like playing a game. That I get a clearer sense of myself, and I need to analyze what happened in the day, what I did, and what to do next.

 

What is it about our need to be heard and understood by others? Is it that some people like me don’t have this need? Or is it a need that we ALL have, but some have it stronger than others?

 

Someone has asked me, “Are you really processing when you remove yourself from the conversation? Or, are you just distracting yourself, purposely not processing for awhile?”

 

 

When I think of the times in my day (or even in my life) when I’m not feeling “heard” — those are the toughest and loneliest times. Certainly we all have the need to be heard and understood by others, and even greater the need by those we love. A big part of my writing (and my talk-talk-talking) is motivated by the need to be heard and understood. 

 

Earlier, I have mentioned to myself that I should write more in my blog if I had the feeling that there is a real audience out there, reading and perhaps responding to my posts. Our writing is a form of self-reflection, and an attempt to connect with others. We write to make sense of things for ourselves, by making it available for the comprehension of others. 

 

I believe that most people have not been able to cultivate a safe relationship with their writing (and rambling aloud). It’s hard to be a loud and crazy guy at one point and being the quiet writer on the other hand.

 

 

Suddenly, a coworker appears at the table and asks me a question. The look in her eyes and her tone of voice say she wants an answer straight away. Her question is simple, but my brain freezes for a moment. I start sentences then stop them. I hesitate. I say things that are kind of what I mean, but not quite. I backtrack. Inside, I wish my brain would just work right…

Ever had something like this happen to you? If so, you’re not the only one. Finding it hard to say what you’re thinking, especially when you’re on the spot, is a common problem for a lot of introverts. There are good reasons this happens, and they might not be what you’d guess.

You can thrive as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world

We all have moments when we can’t find the right words, but word retrieval can be particularly challenging for introverts because we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, looking at them from all angles. When you’re deep in thought like this — even when you’re thinking about something as simple as what to make for dinner — it can be tough to talk. A lot of introverts don’t “think out loud” like extroverts do. We do our mental processing inwardly. Quietly. Without words.

As the name implies, long-term memory is where we keep information for a long time, maybe even forever. The information stored there is mostly outside our conscious awareness. so getting to it isn’t always easy. For example, try recalling your first day of kindergarten. Some details might come to mind easily, but others take more effort to remember.

On the other hand, we have a working memory (also known as short-term memory), where we keep information for just a few seconds. This information is easy to grab, but it doesn’t stick around unless we move it to long-term memory.

Interestingly, that introverts often use their long-term memory more than their working memory. Extroverts do the opposite, keeping information right on the tip of their tongue, ready to use.

The struggle to dig into long-term memory is real. You have to find the right “key” to unlock the memory you’re trying to bring up. For example, seeing a certain pair of sneakers (the key) might remind you of your own shoes from when you were a kid, which then reminds you of the milk that got spilled on your shoes on your first day of kindergarten. And just like that, you’re remembering more about that day.

But this process of digging into long-term memory can take time, which can slow us introverts down when we’re trying to talk.

When we’re nervous while trying to talk — like how I felt when my intimidating coworker approached me — it can make finding and saying the right words even harder. 

But it’s not just about writing blogs. Introverts often like to text or email instead of calling or meeting in person. Many also find that journaling helps them understand what they’re thinking and feeling better.

It’s because of how our brains work. When we write, we use different parts of our brain than when we talk, and these parts seem to work better for introverts.

Memory is a tricky business; it uses many parts of the brain. Your brain stores memories in different spots and builds connections between them. Like I said, you need to find the right key to pull something from your long-term memory. The good news is, most information in long-term memory is stored with multiple associations or keys to access them.

If you’re having trouble remembering a word, a fact, or even what you did on the weekend Let your mind wander and go where it wants. One thought might lead to another, and one of these thoughts might be the key to remembering what you need.

If you still can’t find the right words, don’t feel embarrassed or beat yourself up — your brain is just doing what it naturally does, which is to stop and think. If you’re being quiet, you’re in good company with other deep thinkers. Like the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

To make any awkwardness go away, you can joke about being lost for words. Or you can say you’re a bit busy in your head right now, but you’ll get back to them later — by sending an email or a text.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

When your daughter is moving away

 Dear Bloggers,

Moving is an adventure, a new beginning, a chance to build the life you’ve always wanted for yourself. Yet, this thrilling adventure involves moving away from the place you’ve been calling home all your life and the people you care about.

Our oldest daughter is moving away from home and got a rental home in another town. It needs quite some work to refurbish it all. I took some days off to help out with painting and flooring. Hopefully this is her last month at home.

To say that bidding farewell to your sweet home and your loved ones is hard or sad is a gross understatement of the gravity of the matter. When you move away from home is likely to be one of the loneliest experiences in your life. You’re going to miss your family and friends. You’re going to miss your routines and your comfort zone. You’re going to miss the places you used to go and the things you used to do. She will learn to cope with it.

But, for one reason or another, you chose to leave your old life behind and start a new. So, you need to somehow overcome your homesickness and post-relocation depression. You need to find a way to cope with moving away from family and home and make the most out of your new life. Here are some insightful tips to help you achieve this:


Understand that it’s not the end
When moving to a new city, there may be a great physical distance between you and your loved ones that keeps you from seeing one another. Yet, being away doesn’t mean you’ll stop caring about each other or never see each other again. It simply means that you won’t be able to spend as much time together as you used to. It is true, of course, that everyone will continue with their own lives and things will change a lot. But you can still be a part of each other’s worlds:

Call often and text whenever you have the chance. This way, you’ll be able to share all your experiences, thoughts, and emotions with the people who matter to you. They will know what’s going on in your life and you’ll have their immediate support and understanding. You can even agree upon a set time (convenient for everyone) to talk with your family – it’s a good idea to schedule more frequent chats at the beginning when you won’t have any friends in your new city yet and will feel terribly lonely (the conversations will get fewer and further between as you get more comfortable in your new environment). Having a planned time to hear from your family will bring you comfort as you will know that you’ll be talking to your loved ones soon;
Use social media to check on your pals and your family instantly, so that you feel connected even if you are far apart physically;

Take advantage of video chats to talk to your family and friends face to face. It is as close to seeing them in person as it gets; Email or write real letters – there’s such a thrill to see a message in your inbox or a letter in your post box from a loved one! Besides, writing letters will allow you to recount your experiences and share your thoughts in a more detailed and more meaningful way; Plan your visits. Decide who will visit who first, set a date, and make travel plans before your relocation. You will have something to look forward to when you find yourself depressed and alone in your new home. Besides, knowing when you will see your loved ones again will help diminish the sadness of being apart. It will be much easier to cope with moving when you stay in touch with the people you hold dear, so make sure you keep your meaningful relationships alive, no matter how great the distance between you and your loved ones.


Keep being positive
Moving away from the place you’ve known your whole life may be hard and overwhelming, but it is a chance for a successful new life – you will have many new opportunities in your new state or city, will learn to stand on your own feet and overcome difficulties by yourself, will find your own self, grow as a person, and become independent and self-confident. You will gain plenty of experience and knowledge, your horizon will expand and you’ll see things in new perspective. Eventually, you’ll become mentally and emotionally stronger and will be able to build the life you’ve always wanted for yourself.

Thinking of your relocation as your first step into an exciting new world will help you overcome your sadness and anxiety and successfully deal with moving away from family and home.

Give yourself time
Do not push yourself – have a good rest after the relocation, relax, and allow yourself to be sad for the things you left behind. Call your pals and your family just to hear their voices and draw strength from their love. Take your time and find your peace. Slowly, but surely you’ll get accustomed to your new surroundings, will regain your balance and your motivation, and overcome your nostalgia.

Make your new place your sanctuary
The best way to deal with moving away from home is to create your dream home in your new area. Arrange your new place to your liking, make the living space functional and cozy, put your favorite decorations on display, place your best-loved books on the shelves, and find your old blanket – just surround yourself with items that make you feel happy and comfortable and remind you of beloved people and cherished dreams. It is also a good idea to arrange some of your things in the same way as they were in your old home – this will create a feeling of familiarity and warmth in your new place. (See also: How to make your new place feel like home)

Make sure you hang some of your favorite family photos (and pictures of your friends) on the walls – seeing the familiar faces of your loved ones throughout the day will cheer you up and provide a sense of closeness and connection. Likewise, keep any treasured items given to you by your family and friends on display in your house – every time you look at them, you will remember the good times you’ve had together and the special bond you share, no matter how far apart you are. This will brighten your day when you’re feeling especially lonely and depressed in your new reality.

To cope with moving, you need to restore your inner peace:

Keep busy – Having some important task to complete, some exciting project to engage in, or something fun to do will keep sadness and depression at bay. So, make sure you keep your hands busy and your mind occupied – especially during the first couple of months after the move;
Build a routine – Having a daily routine will not only give you a sense of security and fulfillment, but will also make you feel that your life is back on track – so try to establish yours during the very first days after the relocation.

Keep traditions alive – If you always had dinner at 7:00 at home, eat your evening meal at the same time in your new place. If you always went to the movies on Saturday nights with your friends, go see a movie on Saturday night in your new city – this will help you feel like yourself and will put your mind at ease; Make your favorite foods – Ask your mom how she makes your favorite dish, then make it yourself. The familiar food will help comfort you when you’re feeling lonely and nostalgic; She already has a couple of cats. So she will have some to take care of, someone to have fun with, and someone to cuddle close when you’re feeling lonely. You may even find new friends among other animal lovers in your area when taking your pet out for a walk, for example.

Keep your focus on what took you to your new place
You may be missing friends and family, but you came to your new city for a reason – to go to college, start a new job, start a family of your own, etc. So, no matter how hard it may be, focus on your reason to be here and try to make the most out of it – work harder, acquire new skills, expand your knowledge, just do everything possible to advance in your career or your studies and accomplish the goals you set for yourself before the move.

In fact, being away from home will be quite beneficial for your personal development – without the pressure to keep up relationships around everyone else’s schedules you’ll be able to put more time and energy into your own goals. And the feeling of achievement and success you’re going to get in the process will certainly make it much easier for you to deal with moving away from family and friends.

Enjoy your new life
The final step to coping with moving is to start appreciating the differences and enjoying your new world. Get to know your new city, explore your new surroundings, get involved in the community life, join clubs, organizations, or sporting teams to partake in activities you enjoy, make new friends, and take advantage of every new opportunity that presents itself.

While these new pals will never replace your close friends and family members, new relationships will help you feel less isolated and will give you a local support group. And the new experiences and activities you engage in will help relieve some of the sadness or loss you may feel. (See also: How to adjust after moving)

Soon enough you’ll feel at home in your new environment and will thrive in your new reality.

The Old Sailor,