Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,

 

Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process through talking and writing. I think you do the same with writing and I love that about us. Yet, talking needs a listener and listening takes energy. So does talking.

 

Yes, I have been learning something similar about myself. 

 

My need for verbally exchange is so much greater than most writers. We came to the conclusion in one therapy session that my brain actually might need external forms of processing … getting words out (writing or speaking), having someone listen, and getting verbal and visual reactions. Sounds like a very right-brain form of processing. 

 

My brain is running around in many different directions total chaos is also a system on the other hand, I am processing things internally. Quiet time, self-reflection (without writing it, just “down time”) by taking a walk or even engaging in some relaxing activity like playing a game. That I get a clearer sense of myself, and I need to analyze what happened in the day, what I did, and what to do next.

 

What is it about our need to be heard and understood by others? Is it that some people like me don’t have this need? Or is it a need that we ALL have, but some have it stronger than others?

 

Someone has asked me, “Are you really processing when you remove yourself from the conversation? Or, are you just distracting yourself, purposely not processing for awhile?”

 

 

When I think of the times in my day (or even in my life) when I’m not feeling “heard” — those are the toughest and loneliest times. Certainly we all have the need to be heard and understood by others, and even greater the need by those we love. A big part of my writing (and my talk-talk-talking) is motivated by the need to be heard and understood. 

 

Earlier, I have mentioned to myself that I should write more in my blog if I had the feeling that there is a real audience out there, reading and perhaps responding to my posts. Our writing is a form of self-reflection, and an attempt to connect with others. We write to make sense of things for ourselves, by making it available for the comprehension of others. 

 

I believe that most people have not been able to cultivate a safe relationship with their writing (and rambling aloud). It’s hard to be a loud and crazy guy at one point and being the quiet writer on the other hand.

 

 

Suddenly, a coworker appears at the table and asks me a question. The look in her eyes and her tone of voice say she wants an answer straight away. Her question is simple, but my brain freezes for a moment. I start sentences then stop them. I hesitate. I say things that are kind of what I mean, but not quite. I backtrack. Inside, I wish my brain would just work right…

Ever had something like this happen to you? If so, you’re not the only one. Finding it hard to say what you’re thinking, especially when you’re on the spot, is a common problem for a lot of introverts. There are good reasons this happens, and they might not be what you’d guess.

You can thrive as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world

We all have moments when we can’t find the right words, but word retrieval can be particularly challenging for introverts because we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, looking at them from all angles. When you’re deep in thought like this — even when you’re thinking about something as simple as what to make for dinner — it can be tough to talk. A lot of introverts don’t “think out loud” like extroverts do. We do our mental processing inwardly. Quietly. Without words.

As the name implies, long-term memory is where we keep information for a long time, maybe even forever. The information stored there is mostly outside our conscious awareness. so getting to it isn’t always easy. For example, try recalling your first day of kindergarten. Some details might come to mind easily, but others take more effort to remember.

On the other hand, we have a working memory (also known as short-term memory), where we keep information for just a few seconds. This information is easy to grab, but it doesn’t stick around unless we move it to long-term memory.

Interestingly, that introverts often use their long-term memory more than their working memory. Extroverts do the opposite, keeping information right on the tip of their tongue, ready to use.

The struggle to dig into long-term memory is real. You have to find the right “key” to unlock the memory you’re trying to bring up. For example, seeing a certain pair of sneakers (the key) might remind you of your own shoes from when you were a kid, which then reminds you of the milk that got spilled on your shoes on your first day of kindergarten. And just like that, you’re remembering more about that day.

But this process of digging into long-term memory can take time, which can slow us introverts down when we’re trying to talk.

When we’re nervous while trying to talk — like how I felt when my intimidating coworker approached me — it can make finding and saying the right words even harder. 

But it’s not just about writing blogs. Introverts often like to text or email instead of calling or meeting in person. Many also find that journaling helps them understand what they’re thinking and feeling better.

It’s because of how our brains work. When we write, we use different parts of our brain than when we talk, and these parts seem to work better for introverts.

Memory is a tricky business; it uses many parts of the brain. Your brain stores memories in different spots and builds connections between them. Like I said, you need to find the right key to pull something from your long-term memory. The good news is, most information in long-term memory is stored with multiple associations or keys to access them.

If you’re having trouble remembering a word, a fact, or even what you did on the weekend Let your mind wander and go where it wants. One thought might lead to another, and one of these thoughts might be the key to remembering what you need.

If you still can’t find the right words, don’t feel embarrassed or beat yourself up — your brain is just doing what it naturally does, which is to stop and think. If you’re being quiet, you’re in good company with other deep thinkers. Like the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

To make any awkwardness go away, you can joke about being lost for words. Or you can say you’re a bit busy in your head right now, but you’ll get back to them later — by sending an email or a text.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

When your daughter is moving away

 Dear Bloggers,

Moving is an adventure, a new beginning, a chance to build the life you’ve always wanted for yourself. Yet, this thrilling adventure involves moving away from the place you’ve been calling home all your life and the people you care about.

Our oldest daughter is moving away from home and got a rental home in another town. It needs quite some work to refurbish it all. I took some days off to help out with painting and flooring. Hopefully this is her last month at home.

To say that bidding farewell to your sweet home and your loved ones is hard or sad is a gross understatement of the gravity of the matter. When you move away from home is likely to be one of the loneliest experiences in your life. You’re going to miss your family and friends. You’re going to miss your routines and your comfort zone. You’re going to miss the places you used to go and the things you used to do. She will learn to cope with it.

But, for one reason or another, you chose to leave your old life behind and start a new. So, you need to somehow overcome your homesickness and post-relocation depression. You need to find a way to cope with moving away from family and home and make the most out of your new life. Here are some insightful tips to help you achieve this:


Understand that it’s not the end
When moving to a new city, there may be a great physical distance between you and your loved ones that keeps you from seeing one another. Yet, being away doesn’t mean you’ll stop caring about each other or never see each other again. It simply means that you won’t be able to spend as much time together as you used to. It is true, of course, that everyone will continue with their own lives and things will change a lot. But you can still be a part of each other’s worlds:

Call often and text whenever you have the chance. This way, you’ll be able to share all your experiences, thoughts, and emotions with the people who matter to you. They will know what’s going on in your life and you’ll have their immediate support and understanding. You can even agree upon a set time (convenient for everyone) to talk with your family – it’s a good idea to schedule more frequent chats at the beginning when you won’t have any friends in your new city yet and will feel terribly lonely (the conversations will get fewer and further between as you get more comfortable in your new environment). Having a planned time to hear from your family will bring you comfort as you will know that you’ll be talking to your loved ones soon;
Use social media to check on your pals and your family instantly, so that you feel connected even if you are far apart physically;

Take advantage of video chats to talk to your family and friends face to face. It is as close to seeing them in person as it gets; Email or write real letters – there’s such a thrill to see a message in your inbox or a letter in your post box from a loved one! Besides, writing letters will allow you to recount your experiences and share your thoughts in a more detailed and more meaningful way; Plan your visits. Decide who will visit who first, set a date, and make travel plans before your relocation. You will have something to look forward to when you find yourself depressed and alone in your new home. Besides, knowing when you will see your loved ones again will help diminish the sadness of being apart. It will be much easier to cope with moving when you stay in touch with the people you hold dear, so make sure you keep your meaningful relationships alive, no matter how great the distance between you and your loved ones.


Keep being positive
Moving away from the place you’ve known your whole life may be hard and overwhelming, but it is a chance for a successful new life – you will have many new opportunities in your new state or city, will learn to stand on your own feet and overcome difficulties by yourself, will find your own self, grow as a person, and become independent and self-confident. You will gain plenty of experience and knowledge, your horizon will expand and you’ll see things in new perspective. Eventually, you’ll become mentally and emotionally stronger and will be able to build the life you’ve always wanted for yourself.

Thinking of your relocation as your first step into an exciting new world will help you overcome your sadness and anxiety and successfully deal with moving away from family and home.

Give yourself time
Do not push yourself – have a good rest after the relocation, relax, and allow yourself to be sad for the things you left behind. Call your pals and your family just to hear their voices and draw strength from their love. Take your time and find your peace. Slowly, but surely you’ll get accustomed to your new surroundings, will regain your balance and your motivation, and overcome your nostalgia.

Make your new place your sanctuary
The best way to deal with moving away from home is to create your dream home in your new area. Arrange your new place to your liking, make the living space functional and cozy, put your favorite decorations on display, place your best-loved books on the shelves, and find your old blanket – just surround yourself with items that make you feel happy and comfortable and remind you of beloved people and cherished dreams. It is also a good idea to arrange some of your things in the same way as they were in your old home – this will create a feeling of familiarity and warmth in your new place. (See also: How to make your new place feel like home)

Make sure you hang some of your favorite family photos (and pictures of your friends) on the walls – seeing the familiar faces of your loved ones throughout the day will cheer you up and provide a sense of closeness and connection. Likewise, keep any treasured items given to you by your family and friends on display in your house – every time you look at them, you will remember the good times you’ve had together and the special bond you share, no matter how far apart you are. This will brighten your day when you’re feeling especially lonely and depressed in your new reality.

To cope with moving, you need to restore your inner peace:

Keep busy – Having some important task to complete, some exciting project to engage in, or something fun to do will keep sadness and depression at bay. So, make sure you keep your hands busy and your mind occupied – especially during the first couple of months after the move;
Build a routine – Having a daily routine will not only give you a sense of security and fulfillment, but will also make you feel that your life is back on track – so try to establish yours during the very first days after the relocation.

Keep traditions alive – If you always had dinner at 7:00 at home, eat your evening meal at the same time in your new place. If you always went to the movies on Saturday nights with your friends, go see a movie on Saturday night in your new city – this will help you feel like yourself and will put your mind at ease; Make your favorite foods – Ask your mom how she makes your favorite dish, then make it yourself. The familiar food will help comfort you when you’re feeling lonely and nostalgic; She already has a couple of cats. So she will have some to take care of, someone to have fun with, and someone to cuddle close when you’re feeling lonely. You may even find new friends among other animal lovers in your area when taking your pet out for a walk, for example.

Keep your focus on what took you to your new place
You may be missing friends and family, but you came to your new city for a reason – to go to college, start a new job, start a family of your own, etc. So, no matter how hard it may be, focus on your reason to be here and try to make the most out of it – work harder, acquire new skills, expand your knowledge, just do everything possible to advance in your career or your studies and accomplish the goals you set for yourself before the move.

In fact, being away from home will be quite beneficial for your personal development – without the pressure to keep up relationships around everyone else’s schedules you’ll be able to put more time and energy into your own goals. And the feeling of achievement and success you’re going to get in the process will certainly make it much easier for you to deal with moving away from family and friends.

Enjoy your new life
The final step to coping with moving is to start appreciating the differences and enjoying your new world. Get to know your new city, explore your new surroundings, get involved in the community life, join clubs, organizations, or sporting teams to partake in activities you enjoy, make new friends, and take advantage of every new opportunity that presents itself.

While these new pals will never replace your close friends and family members, new relationships will help you feel less isolated and will give you a local support group. And the new experiences and activities you engage in will help relieve some of the sadness or loss you may feel. (See also: How to adjust after moving)

Soon enough you’ll feel at home in your new environment and will thrive in your new reality.

The Old Sailor,

Losing a good friend hurts

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

I have sailed quite a bit of the worlds seas and oceans never felt alone at sea  as I had great colleagues with many years of experience in all kinds of situations. I had a bit of a rough start when I started sailing and my past being on the rescue team during a ships disaster was not very helpful during a boat drill I was overwhelmed by memories as the evacuation alarm sounded throughout the ships speakers. I felt emotions that I never knew before there was panic in my head and I could not think straight. I left the company for a while and made a new start on a cruise liner. After a while I came back again on a smaller and older vessel. But the crew was great and I closed most of them in my heart. Some of them I have been sailing with for quite some years. 

At sea you learn to know each other better as you invest more time into the personal matters. These good conversations about the things in life. Even if the sea was brutal and rough we had a good time and comforted the new ones. If we are going down we will go together. These friendships fade away when you stop sailing although most of my old friends are active on Facebook and I still follow them. And most of them have become very special people with special jobs in life. Or they found love in many different ways. Then all of a sudden the ships bell sounds with bad news that one of your closest friends is very ill and there will be no cure. I am not the person that waits for answers and I asked questions about what was going on. She enjoyed life to the fullest and was not ready to go. It struck me as lightning when I found out that she had gone over the horizon. That is where all good sailors go.

 

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon
and someone at my side says 
She is gone.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. 
She is just as large now as when I last saw her.
Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in me, not in her. 

Although it’s often overlooked, the loss of a friend is just as devastating as that of any other loved one. It comes with the same force and it quickly takes you through a whirlwind of emotions before it throws you at grief’s mercy. Expect to be shocked, angry, confused and deeply disturbed as you try to make sense of it and adapt to its demands.

It is not easy to lose a close friend

We often trick ourselves into believing that the loss of a friend is an unfortunate experience and with it, we rule out its severity and impact on our life. That kind of attitude is particularly evident in the cases where our friend leaves a family and loved ones behind. Naturally, their bereaved spouse, parents, siblings are deeply affected but don’t let that take away the importance of your loss and put you at the bottom of the list.

Regardless of these arrangements, your grief is just as important and you need to give it the full attention it demands. Listen to it and be prepared to deal with the sudden burst of emotions, confusion and anger. You may feel guilty about past arguments or regret some of the things you remember saying and doing.

Grieving the loss of a friend is just as personal and unique as any other grief.

Losing a friend in later life

Nobody can prepare you for such a loss, even if it is the result of a long illness. Losing a close friend as an adult is likely to trigger a series of emotions beginning with shock and disbelief. Confusion or inabilities to talk about your feelings are also quite likely reactions in the early days of your loss.

However you feel, remember that it takes time to process that loss and to come to terms with it. Don’t be impatient with yourself and don’t pretend that you are not affected by it. Open the floodgates to let all these feelings and emotions overwhelm you. Then start to work your way through them as you begin to move forward with your life. Expect to cycle through the same feelings or to feel stuck and unable to see a way out of it. That’s how grief works but it gets better with time. 

Be with people who understand your grief

Be prepared to ‘suffer in silence’ because not everyone will appreciate the scale of your loss. The lack of recognition is also likely to affect how you deal with grief. Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand and respect that loss. The loss of your friend is not a reason to forget them. Look back at the wonderful times and treasure your memories. That’s their way of being a part of your life now and you need to embrace it.

Life without your friend is not going to be the same. You are going to miss them no matter what you do. That’s normal and so are the other feelings and emotions you are likely to experience. Remember that grief is a process which is unique to you. Be kind to yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve that loss. The emotional high that you get from the release of endorphins whilst laughing and having a good time with your friend is cut short and replaced with a mountain of sadness after their death. That’s the mountain you need to climb in order to move forward with your life after the loss of a close friend.

We knew a lot of great people in our lives at sea and many passed by with cosey nights sitting together and having a little drink in the so called Café Holland a place where many have good memories and many of us sang along with the music that was played including this Dutch song that’s called “Aan de kust.” Performed by Bløf. As we sailed with International crewmembers we tried to translate the lyrics into English so they had a clue what it was about. This song touched me again last week as it was aired on my car radio and this part of the song hit me.

Vlissingen ademt zwaar en moedeloos vannacht
De haven is verlaten, want er is nog maar een vracht
En die moet in het donker buitengaats worden gebracht
Gedenk de goede tijden van zuiverheid en kracht
Maar men weet het niet
En zwijgt van wat men hoort en ziet

 

My Translation of the lyrics:

Vlissingen (town in Zeeland) breaths heavy and cheerless tonight

The harbor is abandoned, because there is only one shipment

And that has to be brought out of the harbor in the dark 

Commemorating the good times of purity and strength

But people don't know

And are quiet about what they hear and see

 

As Sailors we don’t say goobye but farewell my dear friend.

The Old Sailor,

 

A Diabetic Christmas

 

Dear Bloggers,

Merry Christmas does not have to come with stress. Since you have read the first “Another Christmas” blog, you are already done purchasing gifts, enjoying the top three projects your family enjoys at this time of year and are now on to planning your Christmas meal.

If you are one of the 2/3rd’s of the world that lives on more than €1.00 a day, you are lucky and will be having a very Merry Christmas, indeed. Let’s keep our focus on blessings.

Christmas dinner does not have to be extravagant or stressful. Divide the courses up among your guests and be thankful for whatever they will bring. Bake ahead of time and freeze your items. If you have family traditions, be sure to begin including your children in the preparations, or that tradition will not be living onward. If someone brought a dish {I can’t eat seafood} that you do not prefer and left it for you? Take it to a neighbor or a good friend, as someone will enjoy that time and it saves money and effort. As a diabetic I have to let things go and eat as healthy as possible.

Enjoy setting a table that looks like the one above? Go for it! Don’t enjoy it? Don’t! The food will taste the same on whatever plate you use. No one enjoys cleaning up extra plates, silverware, etcetera.…..Remember, Jesus was born in a manger and they had no place to go as everyone was traveling and they had barely anything to get by.

As for New Year’s, there is an old saying that whatever you are doing at the stroke of midnight will be what you will be doing most of the next year. Family game night, friends and family over for games and celebrating or just sleeping at your normal times sounds like a great evening! There is a lot of drinking going on out there, so an overnight party with breakfast in the morning for you crew sounds like a safe and nutritional choice!

Above all, cherish your family and friends at this time of year. Count your blessings! Eat whatever you can and enjoy real food, relax and have a little dessert.

Have a Merry Christmas,

The Old Sailor,

 

The Sea keeps calming me

 

Dear Bloggers,    

 

I remember very well when I was a little boy, from the back seat of our car, I used to eagerly look forward to admiring the wide sea once we reached the coast for our very few trips during the holidays. It is where I went every year with my parents as being the youngest little bloke in our family. Quite an adventure every time. The North Sea stood (and still stands) for freedom, sun and beach. In short, full enjoyment, as it should be.

The sea therefore impresses me like few other things in nature. The way it stretches endlessly, far beyond the horizon. And swerve both left and right as far as your eyes allow you to look. And then what to think of the force in which the waves make their way towards the mainland, towards the beach, all with that lovely soothing sound of the moving sea current. Lovely, isn't it?

My love for the sea has only increased with age, you learn to appreciate even more the beauty and power of nature.

 

All that said, I headed out later in life to get some demons in my head under control and no this did not succeed at first. Feeling homesick and overcome with feelings of deep-seated fears literally surfaced. It was living Hell. As a result, I stepped down again from my career as a sailor, but the salty water had touched my brain and a few months later I boarded a cruise ship I took a flight to Venice to join the ships crew. I had to gain some confidence and income for our family. And yes again, I was not having a good time and after the first contract I stepped away again I was missing my girlfriend and it didn't earn very well either. Luck was with me because at the ferry service where I had worked they were again looking for staff. This is where my sea career began to take shape and nowadays I have been with them for nearly fifteen years..

Every time I drive to the coast, I always find a unique seaside resort or a small cafe overlooking the sea. The coast is often beautiful and there is also sometimes a natural transition between beach and dunes. Unspoiled nature. Meters high dunes with natural vegetation, so nice to go for a walk or having  a cozy picnic.

Sea dykes and sky-high buildings often prevent the natural course of things in other seaside resorts, and once you have tasted the splendor of nature as it is supposed to be, you won't be able to prove us wrong.

The first 2-3 hours after our arrival were spent walking with our 2 Shelties through and along the dunes and on the beach. A nice breath of fresh air in a rather tight sea breeze, your head completely empty of thoughts, but all under a nice smiling autumn sun.

We walked towards the North, a few kilometer’s away, step by step against the wind gusts.

A kilometer or so from the Centre of Callantsoog along the line separating the beach from the beginning of the dunes, you can find nice little shops and restaurants on the village square. On the beach, some of the beach pavilions are open all year round, so even in autumn and winter this is paradise for both the passionate wind and kite surfers and for those who want to enjoy a drink near the sea. We are definitely the latter, by the way, and we enjoyed the summer cocktail while admiring the unbelievably clever tricks the sea sport enthusiasts showed to passers-by and others like us. Enjoying the good life, but a little better!

 

After our rest and enjoying the beautiful view, we left the pavilion and continued our walk. Enjoying the sun sinking deeper and deeper. We felt free and relaxed. A beautiful sunset turned out to be the icing on the cake of a great day spent on and around the dunes and beach. Our dogs go totally wild as they are running down the coastline.

 

On the culinary front, by the way, we had picked some things in advance that we absolutely wanted to tick off our gastronomic 'bucket-list'. The North Sea and fisheries are inextricably linked. So yes, we spent our evening in Callantsoog going for two typical, delectable dishes in which the fruits of the sea played a starring role: delicious freshly made shrimp croquettes as a starter, an appetizer that made our taste buds gurgle with pleasure. Unfortunately, I can only sit there and watch my wife feast on these treats from the sea. I am unfortunately allergic to seafood at least a substance found in most of them. Fortunately for me, the menu has plenty of alternatives.

And after that? Oh yes, an authentically Dutch main meal in the form of far-sea sirloin steak with a sauce of your choice accompanied by baked Jerusalem apples and fresh vegetables. Delicious!

 

However, all great songs and weekends always come to an end. After our very successful day out in Callantsoog, we went out again to enjoy the sea breeze and the incredibly beautiful dune landscape one last time, here in the province called North Holland.

Callantsoog is super-touristic but still one of the few seaside resorts on the Dutch North Sea coast where the dunes and beach still flow into each other undisturbed (and oh so beautifully). It yields such beautiful views. To fall in love with... and to stay. Hope to see you soon.

 

The Old Sailor,