Before there was e-mail, Facebook or anything on the Internet

Dear Bloggers,

Due to a situation at home I did not come to writing a blog last month and I feel pretty awful about it as writing is something I normally do to get my thoughts organized. It made me think about my younger days when I still was a boy. I met the most fabulous girl at my dad’s pony stable and she straight away swept me of my feet. Due to the fact that she lived in Germany we decided to become pen pal. 

And we have been writing for many years and we became real good friends. We paid each other visits and we gave small presents Somehow I did things terribly wrong and the friendship was lost until a reconnection was there through Facebook. And I am so happy to have a little bit of contact again. Even we never had anything as in a relation she was one of the first girls in my live where I could share everything with and it developed me as a guy to do things with my heart and my mind. I am still thankful that she opened my soft side. And I am not afraid anymore to write about my feelings 

Before computers and e-mail…a lot of people actually wrote honest letters. And as in my own case sometimes from foreign countries. The newspapers had a special column for this. The Exchange Column invited readers from everywhere in the world to write a letter, expressing their interests. Generally, along with your name and address, you included your date of birth and your wedding anniversary date, the names and ages of your children, as well as your hobbies and collections.

When I began thinking about those days. I wondered – What happened to all of those Press publications? An Internet search revealed that there are still some pen pals as most of them are writing now by email and became key pals The idea of a magazine devoted primarily to pen-pals appears to have fallen by the wayside, overtaken, perhaps, by today’s computer generated email and chat rooms. (However, I was amused to discover in an Internet search on Google.com, an article written by a young woman who happened to discover an old pen pal who became a famous writer, she and some friends started up a monthly publication they call “Old Friends” which was based on their past. The author wrote, “I liked the old way sitting at home reading letters and writing back on them and I was intrigued by the way the community had different minded individuals scattered across the world who looked forward each month for new letters about what happened in their lives…” So, it seems, the memory and ideas of “The good old days” live on.

Go back with me, in time, and let me share with you how things were before email came along.
I began writing to her (My German pal she wrote in German amd I wrote in Dutch) in the mid-1980s. Specifically, I think I “discovered” myself in the summertime of 1986. I think I began finding the writer in me, as my letters were still not the best ones if it comes to grammar but I wrote to her in an honest way not knowing what to do with my feelings. So I did a lot of silly things in life to find about myself. Around that same time, I became interested in collecting and reading books. Simultaneously, a friend of mine told me about doing a cultural study at an institute and had to read a lot of classics. I that period I read classic books like Shakespeare but also lighter classics on the Second World war in Australia thanks to her I got interested in the opinion of other people that was what she was searching for.

“I bet I know where we can find it!” I told her. I wrote a letter to an Aussie friend, asking for the book Australian women at war, offering to pay cash. As an afterthought, I added that I was interested in buying/exchanging old classic books. Little did I suspect what an avalanche of mail would fill my mailbox when my letter was sent! I received over 25 books. I purchased several of the books and I began buying/trading for many other books which formed the nucleus of my book collection. And I have to tell you something that I think it was pretty spectacular. I was never “cheated” or short-changed by anyone. Even more spectacular were the friendships that I formed, as a result of that one letter, although none of them still exists to this day.

One of the first letters I received was from another book collector, a woman who lived in Brisbane. Betsy and I both young people at the time have remained pen-pals for 4 years, while we grew up, got married, and had children of our own. 

Another pen-pal acquired in the late 80s was my friend Penny (I will use Penny as a fictive name as I try not to harm any one's life.although I informed the person about this story that I wrote, if there would be any mistakes or what so ever I can correct them.) , who lives in the South of the Netherlands. I first met Penny in 1988, on my late summer vacation in Benidorm in Spain. We spent a night at Penny’s hotel room and I was sent on my way the next morning with a bagful of thoughts and a great night of special escapades during that night. What I remember most about that visit was my first reaction when I arrived home again with a feeling of being hung-over and I realized that this was just another summer love. I was so heart broken by this girl. I saw her again in the fall during the after party but there was nothing left of those feelings. 

The downside to having pen pals, if there is a downside, is that sometimes letters stop coming both of these friends had become older and had a life of their own with children or having many health issues…like me or perhaps there is nothing left to write about to their pals and to tell you what had happened to them.

Before everyone owned a computer and Internet services flooded the market we had the Local Newspapers and Popfoto a magazine for youngsters. The concept of Popfoto, at that time, was to offer bulletin boards to which you could write, asking for friends, interviews with pop artists, whatever problems you had   write them about. It was through Popfoto that I became acquainted with new people but that was soon to change. Eventually, Popfoto would be overcome by AOL, Yahoo, Juno and the dozens of other Internet services which have changed our lives so drastically. I think the one greatest thing about the Internet is that it has brought so many of our family members and friends back together again. By using Hyves, Twitter and Facebook. I find a lot of people from my past by using those media sites
Somehow the pen pals slipped slowly from my radar. But the friendships forged by these pals have remained an integral part of my life. Yours too, I hope.

And now we have the Internet…Facebook and blogs, such as this one of mine, Old Sailor 2007. But there is still much to be said for the art of writing letters, of finding letters and cards from all over the world in your mailbox. Much nicer than finding only bills and flyer's in the mailbox! And if you are someone still interested in pen pals and actual correspondence, may I suggest just talk to strangers and give it a try you never know what happens. All because of being pen pals!

For those of us who grew up with pen pals in our lives. Sometimes pen pals come into your life and stay forever while others may come and go. I am reminded of my German pen pal I had while I was living life on the wild side. She attended still in high school in Dusseldorf while I attended at jobs offered by temp’s offices. I lost contact with her after she was graduating from high school. But oh, the joy, over the years, of exchanging letters,  photographs and sometimes small gifts with a pen pal so far away email on the Internet may fill some of the void but I have to tell you, I still get a thrill finding real letters in my mailbox.

Before Email….all we had were letters – and even though I am still a fan of handwritten letters, I also became a digital writer, I have to admit computers have greatly broadened our horizons.

The Old Sailor,

Growing Older

Dear Bloggers,


When I was young, 21 was the official age of adulthood. Yes, you could get married before then and young men had to join the military when they reached the age of 18, but that 21st birthday was when the world accepted and recognized you as a grownup.

And I desperately wanted to be a grownup. As I've mentioned here in the past, I was deeply disappointed when I woke on my 21st birthday in 1989, and did not suddenly know the answers to all life's existential questions.
Equally discouraging that day was that I felt no more like an adult than I had the day before.

Although I'd had my own banking account for four years by then, I was angry with myself for still being secretly proud that I knew how to write a check and balance the account each month. By then, I thought, I should be so practiced that it would be no more a big deal than dialing a telephone number.

And even though I had been working all those same four years, I was unhappy that I was afraid of my boss as I had been terrified of my dad all of my younger life. I know that haven't been the sweetest young lad. Grownups didn't feel that way, at least that was what I believed then.

At about that time, when I was buying several drinks one day because having a party was still fun at that age, the cashier held up the vodka I had selected and said, “Honey, you are way too young for this.”

I could feel myself blush, embarrassed because I so wanted to be a grownup and a real grownup had called me out. I still believed then that grownups were always right and I ached for it to be my turn to be right.

It irritated me that whenever I accomplished something new, something real adults seemed to do as a matter of course, my pride in myself overflowed. Booking an airplane trip the first time. Getting my first credit card (very hard for regular “folks” in those days). Registering to vote and then not having a clue what to vote for on election day.

It shouldn't be that way, I thought. I should be as comfortable with myself now, as an adult, as I was with being a child. I never thought then that I was faking being a kid; I just was.

But even getting married when I was 29 seem too grownup for how I felt yet - that I was still pretending to be grown up. But by the time I left my wife for going to sea again a few years later, believe me, I felt plenty grown up.
And that is my point. However much I wished to be an adult at a certain age, it doesn't happen that way. The transition from teenager to adult takes growing into over a period of time.

And now I'm pretty sure that at the other end of life, time is required again to become comfortable in one's old age.
Even if we accept that we've reached the beginning of old age, by 60 or so, many of us are not able anymore to make the internal transition to it than the days we felt like grownups at 21.

I became 45 last year when I first realized I was decades older than everyone, I worked with and translated that into knowing that yes, I really do get old, in fact I already am doing so. And I wondered what it would feel like just as 25 or 30 years earlier I had wondered what being a grownup felt like.

It's taken people around me that have retired nearly 20 years to settle into old age and I'll do it with as many fits and starts as growing into adulthood.
What I first noticed, in the youth of my old age, was that people treated me differently. It probably wasn't but it seemed sudden that at work, I was no longer automatically included when groups of colleagues, all younger now went out for drinks at the end of the day. They somehow forgot to invite the “old”guy.

I knew it was something age-related as, I could no longer keep up with the youngsters. At about the same time, a friend arranged for me to meet a certain women that I admired during the days that I was also single. I was surprised when I talked to her how old he looked; But she was only three years older than me.

More and more frequently, I was happy to stay home on Friday and Saturday evenings. It hadn't been so long before then that I had thought of myself as a social failure without a party on a weekend.



And as I was so angry at age 21 to feel a secret pride in little accomplishments that I believed adults handled with aplomb, now I was annoyed with myself for feeling superior to a couple of older men in my neighborhood who “behaved” much older than I did even though we were born within two or three years of one another. But they had trouble with handling things on a computer. Nowadays I'll ask my daughter to help me with the unknown worlds behind facebook and smart phones.

Curious about what was happening to me and how my life would be different as I got older, I began researching aging. Back then, before the boomers began turning 60, there was almost no popular media about aging that was positive. Mostly they ignored everything about life after 55 or 60.

The amount of information about old age has improved since then (although not necessarily the negative attitudes) I've settled into being older in a way that is similar to having gradually grown into adulthood so long ago.
It took me a very long time to understand that it's a journey getting to old age just as it was getting from childhood to adulthood.

A piece of Shakespeare's play, The Tempest, can never be analyzed because

”...for every time it is read it speaks with a different voice to each individual reader. Indeed, on that same reader it's impact changes with each new reading – and particularly at different phases of his growth into maturity and old age.

“This of course is true only for those who continue to grow old and do not merely sink into the aging process or attempt to delay it.”

I'm working on it, I'm trying.

The Old Sailor,

If your partner is breaking down at work

Dear Bloggers,

It has been awhile as last year didn't finish that good for all of us. That is also the only reason that I haven't been very active on writing on my blog. I apologize and hope that I will find a little more time to share my stories. Today I will write about the hassle that my spouse has with her direct manager. Who turned all of a sudden a nice working environment into a hell gate. It all started approx. A half a year ago as it was time for the annual assessment. She somehow was not doing it right according to her manager and she needed to write a coachingsplanning for that. So I helped her out with making the planning. But her boss then does nothing with this planning and put it aside. It was probably too much work for him.

 

For many weeks she has skirted, danced, boggled and boogied around it and kinda explained why it happened but never really gone into much “depth” as in: what happened, how it happened, how it felt. So I got bored, I have a few hours, am tired of talking to my wife and that is why I am gonna blabber here for a while. As my wife is sleeping as she is tired and feels very empty. Our conclusion is a work burnout or even a “nervous breakdown”?
You could also call it an emotional breakdown or perhaps a mental breakdown, but in essence a “breakdown” has occurred when someone becomes unable to deal with normal day-to-day life.

It can be ignited following a particular trauma, a series of events, or can even happen randomly and out of the blue with no precipitating identifiable cause.
“Nervous breakdown” isn’t even a medical term because a breakdown is far more easily accepted than bipolar, depression or anxiety; it is stigma at work!
A breakdown generally occurs when your circuits become overloaded. Your brain, heart, soul, emotions whatever you are under so much stress that they short circuit, and then shut off, and then you can’t find a nice clean unbroken fuse to mend them.

A manager who brings you down so much that he was discussing with her to quit her job which set in motion a chain of events which would cause her to lose her income, her best friends and all of this happening whilst she was suffering from a new kind of medication for her lungs. As her asthma is becoming a pretty serious physical illness which could have killed her if there would have been no intervention.

I think any one or two of those things could have the power to trigger a breakdown, but to have so many stressful emotional events hitting you when you are already physically, mentally and emotionally devastated from your asthma and a boss that's on your neck. Will get you into a breakdown doesn’t surprise me.

Let me try to explain to you what happened.
The day my spouse realised something was seriously wrong was the Tuesday she spent working with a coachingsperson that gave her the last emotional hit and then she snapped. She totally lost it and was on an obvious level for several hours before sitting down with her boss. Who was telling her that she did not belong here as she was worse than a new trainee it was like she was stinged with a flaming stick. Now I had wanted to phone someone at this point, I knew something was brewing and I was worried as this will not be a happy ending. 
 

She spent the next day glued to the bed, unable to move, she came out of bed as she had to get the kids to school and she evaded the actual events which had happened the day before. I thought that by reading and over thinking them I would be able to forget them. I would be able to make her forget about this nasty thoughts. She was browsing on her mobile phone all day to find a solution for all her problems. I told her it is better really to speak to someone. 


On the Wednesday she crawled to the job again, on the Friday I saw her totally crashing and I played the psychologist again, on the Saturday she fled into painting the walls.
After that week the specific days have become blurry, everything is just a mess in her mind. I know I know that she fought herself I know she has tried to rebuild her life, I know I played the occasional psychologist, I know I tried to do anything and everything that I could to fight what was happening to her and help her to get our lives back to something that we were able to enjoy.

Her decision making capacity was shot to fuck, her conversational ability had gone; (and yes she normally talks a …..lot.) anxiety, depression, were showing itself more and more The fact she had overcome all of this only a few months before contributed to the continuation of her depressive episode with her lungs!

I don’t think anyone can truly understand what having a breakdown feels like unless they have experienced one. Like depression and burn out “breakdown” is an overused word and does not in any way fully describe the pain and torment your mind is constantly under. You literally cannot function on a normal day-to-day level; your body is besieged with physical pain and your mind is engulfed with the sort of emotional pain I would never wish on anyone.

Relationships and Friendships following a breakdown…
One of the hardest things she had to deal with was being told repeatedly that who she thought were her friends were not really her friends (an example of being isolated by her abuser) and wouldn’t be there for her. Thus she was unable to talk to them about what she was going through as she was afraid of pushing them away which was inevitably going to happen anyway and so had to fight her breakdown alone.
 
After a breakdown your self confidence and self worth will be virtually non-existent, thus your ability to retain friendships and relationships will be put under further strain. As you are not thinking clearly your actions may cause harm to those people you care about, even if it is inadvertent, so you may need to apologise for anything which happened during the breakdown and work on rebuilding those friendships.
Although you will need to work out whether the problem was caused by you, or by them, if it was their problem they will need to find a way to deal with it as you should not have to accept responsibility.

At this moment she can’t sit here and talk about friendship really, At the moment she doesn’t have any, and as she is still fighting her breakdown. I cannot give profound advice on healing rifts and repairing damage.
I will say however that, like everyone, a show of kindness and love can help someone who has suffered from a breakdown. We all want to feel loved, we all need kindness, to help us get by.

Can you overcome a nervous breakdown?
The breakdown my wife experienced earlier was absolutely the most painful, distressing, chaotic and fear inducing period of her life. She literally just couldn't think straight in any way, her brain shut down and wasn’t functioning on any level. It was a constant daily fight to get through each conversation, each hour, each day. And that is pretty exhausting.

The road to recovery following a nervous breakdown is hard work, it could take you anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to fully recover. It can be done however, it’s not going to be easy, pretending it isn’t there won’t help but just cause longer term problems, it’s going to be painful, destructive and the hardest fight of your life.
But it can be done, never lose hope of that.

As City to city sings: The road ahead is empty
It's paved, with miles of the unknown
Whatever seems to be your destination
Take life the way it comes, take life the way it is

The Old Sailor,

if we use during the holidays a little bit of common sense if it comes to gifts

Dear Bloggers,

We just celebrated Sinterklaas something similar to Christmas only thing that I still don't understand is that parent's want to buy off their guilt feelings with bigger and bigger presents. They better should be worried by the future and our planet. We absolutely could live with less stuff as long a gift comes from the heart.

If Christmas is about presents, then in 2014, my little family and I will have no more Christmas. I mean, we love the caroling and the uncle playing the piano and the cousins running around with my ten year old, daughter and the grandfather trying to get her to sit on his lap and en joying all the good food.

We have, in other words, an amazingly good time.

What we didn’t have, though, was the average €500 hole in our bank accounts, gouged out by Sinterklaaspresent spending. 

(In the Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas like Christmas on the 5^th of December) This year we did things a bit different. Nor did we have the credit limit like other years. No, this year only our youngest got something extra but the rest of us got only a few useful items and none of those gifts were what we didn’t really want. We only had one stressful rush of last-minute crowds at the mall.

Without the big presents, you see, we didn’t have the sensation that I, at least, normally associated with Sinterklaas, the stress. And without stress or presents, it’s not Sinterklaas, right? But of course it was. To me it was the best of Sinterklaas, the part that, research shows, makes people happiest. It was all the upside without the downside.

Let me back this up.

From November 2012 to November 2013, I and my little family, one wife, one teen girl, one minor child and two cat’s embarked on a lifestyle experiment in which we tried to live with a lower environmental impact. Among other measures, the experiment included not buying trash and not buying new gadgets that appear later on to be useless anyway.

This may sound like a lot of meaningless self-deprivation, but the question that we wanted to answer was this: Does consuming a fewer resources actually make you feel like deprivation, or is it possible that consuming less opens up another way of life that provides a more enduring satisfaction? Or let me put it another way, can we find a win-win way of life that might be happier both for us and for the whole planet? All big things will start somewhere small in my opinion!

My wife drives the family vehicle. In my little world, cars are a big item I drive a nearly 20 year old environmental unfriendly Peugeot. There are others and it is time to find a newer car with less carbon emission. No, I cannot afford to drive a newer emission free model as I have no financial resources for that, no carbon emissions. Like going by push bike is not an option for me as my work is more than 30 kilometers away unfortunately. 

On the other hand, eating and shopping local and riding bikes instead of driving cars when possible allowed us to lose the so called spare tires around our guts, cure ourselves of longstanding skin problems and insomnia and become generally healthier.

Our experiences illustrated that some uses of planetary resources improve quality of life and some may not. Indeed, we could go a long way toward dealing with the crisis in our planetary habitat.

But as Sinterklaas approached this year, the more pressing question for us was, did the season’s huge consumption of resources add something to the Sinterklaas experience or not? Since one-sixth of all retail sales occurs during the holiday season, it’s a question worth asking.

Despite the fact that people spend relatively large portions of their income on gifts, as well as time shopping for and wrapping them, such behavior apparently contributes little to holiday joy.

I’ve already told you enough to let you guess how my little family’s experience played out, but you may be surprised to learn that our findings are backed up by bona fide psychological research.

Of course, this makes perfect sense. We all know in our hearts that treasuring meaningful experiences and spending time in valued relationships at Sinterklaas, Christmas or any other part of the year make us happier than getting more stuff.

But try telling that to the grandparents at Sinterklaas or Christmas time!

The trick to a happy, sustainable, non-consumptive Sinterklaas was not, we discovered, to ignore the expectations of the people we celebrated with. We didn’t want our loved ones to feel bad. Those who expected presents should get them, we decided. Gifts, after all, are associated with the exchange of love.

Still, my wife, worried very much that it would be hard for the kids if all the cousins had presents to open and they didn’t. Try saying, “The research says you’ll be happier with less.” to a ten year old. 

So we got her some toys and contributed some toys that she had outgrown, to the poor and we wrapped them for Sinterklaas as she had not even unpacked them.

When present-opening time came, my eldest daughter didn’t care whether the present that she was opening was for her or not. Much to our surprise, she didn’t even nag about the fact that she got less this year than her little sister. What was important to her was what turned out to be important to us: the singing, the poems, the laughter, the time spent with family, and of course, the celebration.

Here I gathered some adorable gift ideas that will be affordable, adorable, and festive.

Gifts for Teachers & Tutors

Truly great teachers deserve some special recognition for their hard work and dedication. Show your appreciation at any time with a homemade cookie jar. Simply choose a glass jar with lid and fill it with your choice of ready to eat cookies or layered cookie mix. Attach a label that says, “You are one smart cookie!” and tie a festive ribbon around the neck of the jar. This is also a wonderful gift for someone in a nursing home, although a plastic jar is recommended for safety reasons. 

Gifts for Bus Drivers & Postal Workers

These hard working definitely deserve a nice gift to remind them how much we appreciate their dedication and efforts. For a great gift with almost no fuss, buy a six pack beer and affix a big ribbon and homemade gift tag with the words, “You’re an awesome Bus Driver” or whichever title fits your needs. Finish the gift by attaching a delicious bag of candies and viola… a wonderful and inexpensive gift. This gift is also wonderful for your child’s best friend.

Gifts for Beauticians and Housekeepers

This is a wonderful gift idea for those on your list whose hands and nails could use a little spoiling. Choose an attractive glass jar and fill it with lotion, nail polish, cotton balls, nail polish remover, emery boards, and all the goodies necessary for a luxurious manicure. Tie festive ribbon around the neck and affix a special bow for the top for a sweet treat - a Manicure in a Jar.

Christmas or Sinterklaas is an opportunity to be creative and discover new ways to save money while appreciating everyone who makes life just a bit more enjoyable. These gifts can be altered to suit just about anyone on your Holiday list. 

A gift that is given from the heart is more beautiful. I would say try it and stay on the budget it is more fun to give love than what money can buy.

The Old Sailor,