I have no motivation left & there is no luck in life

Dear Bloggers,

I have been wondering for quite awhile now that somehow there is no luck in life at all. But somehow I cannot explain as I met people that have been lucky as they earned enough money too retire. Yes I am a decent and honest above average looking guy with no luck with love and yes I am picky but I dont want to live a lie, I am unlucky in investment and lost a lot of money for a adult with his own property and yes it hurts i tried to set up my future with my wife and kids but I have the feeling that I cannot ever succeed no matter how hard I try.

And yes I have some small health complications partly from all the stress as well and those around expect to much of me, so I distance myself as well and to top it all of I can’t get a decent tolerable job that is giving enough hours and money to pay all the bills. I just get what is left to be filled in at the bus company so there is no line at all in working hours, no rythm at all and that I hate, and on top of it all my friends and collegues who cheat on there girlfriends and do social drugs and when they were single they blew all there money and travelled the world and some are now getting married and have careers and houses. I was like that until 15 years ago. Yes I tried to do the right thing but these things never worked out the last 10 to 15 years somehow our luck ran out

How can I get motivated as I see all this injustices around me and feel I would be succesful if I was a low life yet that is not me cause at the moment I want to give up trying in the sense if I did not have financial commitments I would be on welfare as I am so frustrated all my life has and it is a struggle as I have no bloody luck in anything ?

One of my regular passengers said to me: “I think your seeing it wrong my friend.” Hmmm but why is their no luck for us at all ? I asked and then he answerred: “Don't wait for "luck". Organise your life to get somewhere:

” If your investments fail then you are not making the right choices or it is not your thing. Do something else.”

If you are not "lucky" with girls, then you need to go to the right places were you can meet the the right type of girls but I really would not know were this would be nowadays as all the pubs and discos from my time are either being closed or there are only teenagers to be found. So I would have no idea where the fun is for people from my age. I am still married to my wife and there is no prognoses that this would change but it got me thinking as in my street there are enough divorced man and women living aroudnd me. That is probably why these dating sites are getting more and more popular they discovered how to make a fortune out of the other ones bad luck . When you would go out to try your “luck.” Is it because you forgot how to seduce someone or did you fall on your face too many times and furthermore you need to behave like a gentleman to be a good catch.

Something is pretty clear to me know I am pretty sure that luck is another word for trying hard. “If you are not motivated there will be no luck, so give it your best shot.” You need to be firm about what people should expect from you. But be careful as you can want too much, so my advise is “Do not take on too much.” If you are busy you just tell them you unfortunately do not have time, etc. They will soon get used to it. If you would not take it to a hold you might fully burn out as at the moment they are over-burdoning you it seems. It is your life and your future

Blaming "luck" and life by being unfair sounds very much like a looser. Don't be one. Show that you can take charge of your life. I would say do not only depend on luck it is just something that passes by in your life.

The Old Sailor,

Feeling hot, hot, hot...........

Dear Bloggers,

A few days ago it was hot and humid in all of the Netherlands and I did not want to go anywhere on this day as it is too bloody hot out there. Now, I am not a person who idly switches on the air-conditioning unit when the temperature rises above 27c (If I would have had one as the Dutch climate is normally not having that many hot days.) but today is just a bit different. Going out of the house is not an option as there is no wind and it is 34c degrees in the shadow and outside my kids are in the pool filled with cold water under a huge sunscreen and yes, they are having a good time.

We are checking every 15 minutes on them as sitting outside is not an option, when you walk out of the back door it was like walking into a heated oven or an over-heated sauna. Both of those terms describe a hot day and have lost their meaning through overuse but as a previous resident of Sydney [hot and sweaty during summer days] and Darwin [so hot and dry in Summer that the skin flakes off your hands and feet like fish-scales] I can safely say that today in Lip-City is one of the most hottest and unpleasant I have ever known. One of the most unpleasant because the most unpleasant was one day several years ago when I still worked on a cruiseliner during the Summer, when my I walked from the harbour of Lesbos, in to town when the mercury hit 50c. I nearly ended up suffering from heat exhaustion. I digress…

There are [thank goodness] four fans in the living room area and as I write they are all on their highest setting, going at full blast. It is though, still not what I would call “fresh” in here. I am though, in the lap of luxury compared to most neighbors. Think also for a moment about my numerous friends in caravans or tents on campingplaces as they have booked their holidays several months ago. And what about the ones who are in the holiday parks living in these cast-concrete panel homes that take on the summer heat like firebricks and of course, none of them have air-conditioning…

Discrete indoor summer nudity [or near nudity] is commonplace during these days but it can still get you in somekind of trouble. I like to run around with my top off during these days. But when I need to go outside in the garden I am surrounded by a two-meter high wooden fence. I don’t want to be a neighbour that was accused by his neighbor of flagrant nudity in front of his young daughters. The only way his girls could have seen them was by getting to the bedroom in their home and aiming binoculars in the direction of the garden!

We just need to sweat it out during the summer months and many take a bath every day, whether they need one or not. This can make driving on local buses a fragrant experience. Personally, as someone with a very poor sense of smell, I am grateful for my lot.

These sort of temperatures will I believe, continue through August then start to subside during September. So, as I open yet another bottle of cooling softdrink, (sugarfree of course in my good old days this would have been a beer.) I say cheers to you all living in more moderate climes, roll on winter!

The Old Sailor,

Trying not to lose your child

Dear Bloggers,


Last week we went to the doctors office to find out what is the point in the behavior of our youngest daughter. She goes through stages with outbursts of anger and on the other hand she can be totally from the planet when she is watching TV or is on the computer. The symptoms of a deficit disorder can present parents with many challenges. Kids with a disorder “often lose track of their daily things, have difficulty staying on top of homework and seem generally scattered when attending to chores or assigned tasks”. Impulsivity is another challenge, which can lead kids to be defiant or to argue. An other good example is when you go shopping they might see something and disappear all of a sudden as they are atracted by something much more interresting.They tend to easily get overstimulated and they overreact to frustration or failure.

I would say that some kids with these kind of disorders are easier triggered and will get themselves in to trouble as they have quicker a fight-or-flight reaction to stress,” which can make enforcing rules difficult for parents. Most parents may have a tough time knowing how to provide structure without pressure.

“Children know what to do but they don’t do what they know,” This is the tricky part to make things clear to the child what is right and what is wrong. Consequently, parents might not know when to be firm and when to be patient.

Fortunately, while there are many challenges that come with raising kids with a disorder in behaviour there are also effective strategies and rewards that can be used.

The importance of staying calm. Once the parent is out of control, the child’s anger becomes even more escalated, assuring that the interaction will result in a non-productive outcome.” So pay attention to yourself if you have a tendency toward behaviors like reactivity. Arguing with your child won’t get you anywhere. Take home chores like clearing their room, for instance an activity that can feel like a tug-of-war. Arguing simply creates “a diversion that delays home chores even longer. Instead, Diffuse, don’t engage. For example “Say, ‘I understand this is no fun for you,’ followed by silence, positive expectancy and a loving touch on the shoulder. The wrong move here would be saying, “Oh why don’t you stop complaining. You’re dawdling over nothing.”

If you want to make a difference start with yourself and set limits on your own behavior. If you’re inclined to be a worried, rescuing parent, remind yourself that the more you do for your child, the less he does for himself. The key is to support, but don’t get into the driver’s seat. If you’d still like to keep an eye on your child, sit close by, but bring your own work to the table for example pay your bills or balance your checkbook.

Structure involves star charts for young children, calendars and planners for older ones, and clear rules and sensible routines, especially at bedtime. Structure helps reduce disorganization and distractibility. As such, set a consistent time to do home chores, with certain privileges only available to the child after they’ve successfully completed their assignments. For example playing a game together.

So what does pressure-free structure look like? It includes “not using threats or unreasonable deadlines and punishments that contribute to hostility, fear or drama.

Give your kids the chance to make wise choices. To help teach kids self-control. Parents must provide ample opportunities for children to be faced with choices of how to respond. I would suggest using a technique called structured choice, which gives your child two choices that steer him or her in the right direction. For example, parents might ask: Do you want to do your or your next? or Before we can go, your room needs to be picked up. Do you want to start with the clothes on the bed or clear the top of your desk?

Use reasonable consequences for rule-breaking. As a start ask the child what the consequences should be if he or she breaks a rule. This helps kids create commitments that they can actually own. In addition, create and consistently enforce positive consequences for positive behaviors and negative consequences for negative behaviors. This helps your child to recognize that positive behaviors result in positive consequences, and negative behaviors result in negative ones.

Expect rule-breaking, and don’t take it personally. It’s in your child’s “job description” to occasionally break the rules. When your child breaks the rules, “…correct him the way a police officer gives you a ticket. He doesn’t take it personally or groan or yell, ‘I can’t believe you did that again! Why do you do this to me?’ Like the officer, be respectful, consistent, and matter-of-fact.”

Certain accommodations might be necessary for your child because of his or her disorder. However, you still want to encourage kids to cultivate their abilities. An example of finding this tricky balance: “… stand up for his or her right for an accommodation like talking books, but encourage and expect him or her to learn to read fluently, giving him or her time, attention, a tutor, and most especially, your belief that he or she can.”

Avoid muting a headstrong child. One of the mistakes parents can make is “Trying to turn a spirited, willful child into one that never questions authority and accepts all that is said ‘just because I said so’ as a parent.”

Instead, I would suggest that parents “ accept that some children will protest and talk back, and parents must set a limit that on the one hand realizes that children need at least some way to express their frustration, while still enforcing reasonable standards and rules.”

Realize that your child isn’t misbehaving on purpose. Parents of kids with behavior disorders “subconsciously make error assumptions about why their child is misbehaving”.

In reality children are very goal-directed and do what they do with the hope of obtaining an outcome they seek, which usually pertains to something they want to do or get, or something they are trying to avoid (like chores, home work or bed time).

Being persistent is crucial. Kids with behavior disorders may “require more trials and exposure to consistent consequences in order to learn from that experience.” Trying a technique one or two times with no results doesn’t mean that it’s completely ineffective. You just might have to keep trying. Every concern can’t be fixed at once. So it’s important for parents “to prioritize what situations seem most important, and start with those, temporarily letting go of the less important problems.”

Educate yourself about the disorder and attention. Knowing how symptoms affect your child is essential. You might think that your child is being stubborn or behaving a certain way on purpose. The other important part is educating yourself about attention and learning when your child is at his or her peak of productivity. Consider the following scenario: Your child won’t finish her homework, so you firmly tell her that she’s grounded if she doesn’t “buckle down right now.” Instead, though, she has a meltdown. The problem? Her arousal level was too high. “Deep down, she was scared to put something on the paper, because she anticipated it wasn’t going to be good enough — too sloppy, poor spelling, not as polished as her siblings’ or his classmates’ work.” The heightened arousal caused her to feel overwhelmed, so she needed less adrenaline to focus on her task.

Knowing when your child can concentrate best helps you chunk assignments into manageable steps, suggest breaks to decrease tension, alternate interesting and boring tasks, and keep its adrenaline-based brain chemicals pumping with a steady stream of just the right amount of stimulation.

It all comes down on helping your child adjust to change. Children with behavior disorders have a difficult time with “set-shifting,” a brain function that involves adjusting to change or switching cognitive processes, especially if they’re hyper-focused on an activity. I emphasize the importance of giving your child,no matter how busy you are the time and information he needs to mentally adjust for big changes such as vacations, guests or a new babysitter and small changes such as stopping one activity to begin the next, especially when what’s next is getting ready for bed. For instance, when you get back from vacation, the night before, review your child’s routine with him or her.

Focus on your child’s strengths and positive behavior. Instead of harping on what your child can’t do, hone in on what they can. Keep reminding yourself about your child’s resourcefulness, creativity and individuality. The same self-determination and intractability that drives you nuts today will empower your child tomorrow. Picture her as a tireless entrepreneur, attorney, or doing any work she feels passionate about. It’s best for parents to try to strike a balance. “Don’t deny your childs special needs, and don’t define him or her by them, either.”

Cut yourself some slack. Raising a child with a disorder whose symptoms include impulsivity, defiance and limited self-control is one of the most challenging tasks any person will ever attempt. So acknowledge that you’re working hard, and “Do not feel like a failure. You did not cause your child to behave this way, but you can make a difference.” At least that is what I think. Celebrate being a parent and being with your child. Parenting kids with behavior disorders can feel like a frustrating and sometimes unfeasible task. But “Don’t let behavior disorders rob you of the joy of being a parent.” When parents are at their wits’ end, they can do a few things to help. For instance, I suggest to you as a parent “cradle your arms and remember what it felt like when your child was just born.”

If you’re“correcting your child too much, turn your ring or put your wristwatch on your other hand, and don’t put it back the right way until you’ve thought of and said something positive or caught your child being good. Some children are focussed on details and will notice this as a warning sign.

I hope that some of you can use some of these suggestions to help your child. Because there is nothing more beautiful then a happy parent with a happy child.

The Old Sailor,

Funny word "Schadenfreude"

Dear Bloggers,

Tonight I was watching the Olympic Games and laughed my head off when one of the sportsmen landed pretty wrong on the floor but I have to admit it looked pretty funny. I was really enjoying this guys mishap and realized that this is nasty to have fun about something I could not do myself not even half of it.

Schadenfreude is a German word which is often used as a loanword in English. It means ‘pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.’ Sounds bad, huh? Almost the kind of thing you’d associate with Hitler. Sounds immoral , and heartless.

Funny thing is, it’s everywhere – and we enjoy it.

It seems bad to enjoy the misfortune of others. A common, moral, if not even a perspective would be to help those in need. It seems wrong to allow a person to drown even if our own rights are lesser. Like in the Violinist thought experiment, it would seem wrong to abandon the Violinist even if you had to spend months chained to him. It is ,in our nature, moral and an instinct, to help others. We feel guilty if we don’t (for most folks, anyway.)

However, what I realized is that in every form of entertainment available we all sort of partake in enjoying the feeling of schadenfreude. For instance, take your usual children’s TV programmes, like iCarly (courtesy of my daughters.) In that show, one constant gag (I use gag to show its mediocrity and repetitiveness) is the technician of the show, Freddy, being beaten up and bullied in general by his ‘friend’ Sam. Judging from the…strategic placements of laugh tracks, I assume this must be funny. In one episode he gets reprimanded by the principal, loses his entire locker, has the wall destroyed by Sam’s driving and ,to add insult to injury, loses $200 to the girl. Isn’t that a tad..over the top?

But then this was where I realized that this was actually humorous.

Are we, as sources suggest, all people with low self-esteem who enjoy seeing others fail so we feel better about ourselves? Or are we just happy to see the bad fall? Could someone else’s horrible misfortune possibly be because he or she was ‘bad’ at all? Not really. When you think about it, the feeling of schadenfreude,in this case, would be the derived from the result and not from the process.

What we know is that if the person has bad luck. But whether we enjoy it or not is dependent on what happens afterwards. misfortune often leads to the sad picture of seeing this person fail and even if someone falls on his face, we will find it a sad story. It is a kind of adreneline rush and a lot of disbelief when you see them crash and yes even these pictures might be pretty horrifying. Somehow we want to see this epic ending for ourselves, without a tinge of regret whatsoever. But if this were to happen to a random innocent person it is all of sudden not so funny. Strange isn’t it? How different we can react on these situations. Still we can laugh sometimes about these people making silly mishaps. For example when they mess up their hair by colouring it purple.

Schadenfreude, then, isn’t derived from knowing that others have gone through misfortune and bad luck, but rather, derived from the result of said luck, and also, the conditions surrounding the victim.

And as a result, we all are conditioned – from the very start – to find these events to be entertaining. It isn’t something that is forced onto our minds – it is a feeling, like all the others, that we had in the first place. So we come to the conclusion that -like it or not- we all do enjoy the feeling of schadenfreude. Why the feeling of Schadenfreude exists, would be yet another story.

The Old Sailor,

" we can go camping sometime."

Dear Bloggers,

The title of this blog entry is a quote. But more importantly, it was something that was said to me.... by a weird man. WTF?

I work on commuter busses now, and let me tell you: You run into all sorts of people in this job; whether they be creepy, cool, out of their minds or even normal, WHATEVER. You will eventually run into them all. I think as of right now, I have dealt with more “Strange” people than anyone else. I have had my fair share of run ins with really cool people, but the creepy guys take the cake. It's like they just flock to me. I'm not sure if it's the deodorant I wear, or if it's the cologne I don't wear. All I know is, it has to stop.

One day when I was at work, a passenger came in and he was looking around a bit weird before he sat down, and he immediately started singing. I don't have a problem with people singing; some people just like to have fun. And that's cool. But it's not cool when you are a creepy homeless dude changing the lyrics to, "I want to bomb Iraq," and screaming them when there are friendly customers on the bus. I told him at the next stop to either stop singing or to get off my bus. Then he started shouting at me and I told him to bugger off now.

He eventually stopped shouting and paid for the ride with his chipcard. He left, and I said to myself, "I hope he never comes in again." Well he started to come on my route everyday after that. And do you know what he would do? He would stand right by the busstop in the city centre. No, that's it. Just stand. You thought that I was going to say that we had engrossing conversations day in and day out. No. He just stood there all day being weird. OK, OK. He didn't JUST stand there. He attempted to make small talk here and there, but I wasn't really participating. But you would think that he would get the hint that I don't really want to talk with him.

Now before you guys think I am a jerk, I just need to let you know that I tried talking with the dude, but this guy was out of his lips. He would talk about the same thing everyday. ks.

I will never forget this one day though. He was telling me about a fountain that he goes to daily to pray at. I told him that I have seen that fountain a few times with some friends. I figured that I would be nice and try to have a conversation. He says, "Oh, that's neat." I say "yeah." It was silent for about two minutes after that. At the time, I believe I was writing some counting scores down. As I am writing he says to me, "Maybe we can go camping sometime." Go camping sometime? After two minutes of silence, you break it by asking me to go camping with you? WTF? I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life at that point. I had to let the dude down easy because I didn't know if he was going to kill me and I hardly know him.

Needless to say, he came again after that and asked if I wanted to grab dinner with him sometime. Again, wtf? Now this kills me. It really does. Why can't an attractive girl ask me to go camping with them? Or go out to dinner with them? WHY? Instead I get weird, homeless looking, dudes all over me. Maybe I should go camping with my family.

The Old Sailor,

A shocking message

Dear Bloggers,

This week is the last week before the summer recess of the high schools so it was time to hand in the books for this year and in the evening hours I should bring her to school again for the final schoolparty. Just before we took off to school I got an e-mail from school reporting that one of the students had passed away in the weekend. The kids had to gather after returning the books to hear what had happened. I felt sorry for the parents who had lost their 15 year old daughter.................(I am not many times out of words but this made me silent.)

That means another family has lost a child on leukemia. And it pisses me off.  BUT… i am also glad that I am there, or was there so that it might be easier for her.

It must be horrable and mindblasting to hear, ” She has blasts in her blood.”  ugh.. what does that mean…and there is no time left to overtink it. “You’ll need to admit her immediately.”  ugh, do they mean now at this moment. After the first round at the hospital and the treatment with medication, seeing recovery coming.

Then to hear “She can go back to school if you’re comfortable with that.” Does this make sense?  NO.  None of it makes sense because they’ve just told you that your child has cancer.  WHAT!!!!   Not possible.

So we need Leukemia to come to a hold for all the parents of new leukemia patients out there.  We need a program where we can help newly diagnosed families and give them a bit more hope as their will be more money for research and maybe we could team them up with old jolly busters like me

.

Maybe there should be a person, not just a message board where they can connect and ask the questions that need to be asked.  Do I give certain medication before or after breakfast?  Not that we would be able to answer every question….. but it is sure nice and more human to have someone to ask.

Of course it isn’t just the message that has me up in arms about leukemia , it is a daughter, a family member and only 15 years of age. It could’ve been my girl or your kid or even a schoolfriend of our children.

That does sound harsh and yes this child is gone. But basically what it means to you is that another child was diagnosed with cancer. Leukemia, the 2 year treatment, cancer.  The one with the 95% survival rate at 5 years after diagnosis.  The one where the parents freak out.  Oh, wait, that is all cancer isn’t it.

The school party was cancelled and at school they made a memorial room for this girl, out of respect I am not mentioning names as it must be pretty tough to cope with this loss. My thoughts are with them and I can only send you love.

The Old Sailor,

My daughters are dancers

Dear Bloggers,

For the last two months I’ve been spending my Monday afternoons at my daughter’s dance recital. For most dads, this is brutal – enduring hours of 8-year-olds in skirts, hundreds of twirls, jumps and gyrations. In my case I was particularly apprehensive because given today’s hip-hop society, I would have to endure hours of noise accented with either profane language or bleeps.

The recitals were a showcase in good music, with kids dancing to the music of Die Twa with the song Fûgels (Frisian song from two guys called those two who were actually there and sang this beautiful song.) My youngest daughter performed on K3 with Lollipopland, furthermore there was the song from the Rednex, called the spirit of the hawk I was impressed by the musical knowledge of these 10 year olds, Identity from the Robot Boys and the Drill was performed by the girls that are in their adolescent years and struggle with being in between girl and woman identity, 

my eldest daughter danced on Vanessa Mae’s Ragas Dance and the adults group danced (Im)perfection from Byon Kay and Ori Lavi and of course the surprise act that was performed by some of the first dancers who did an act from the Lion King. There were throwbacks to the top artist in the Netherlands Marco Borsato with Droom, durf ,doe en deel, the DJ kept the atmosphere right with playing Triggerfinger, Michel Teló and Ed Sheeran.

They even dipped into the obscure, when the gymnastics used the song Anthoon aus Tirol (obscure to 75 percent of the population, at least as it links to the drunk behavior in the ski resorts and the Tiroler soft porn from the 70’s). I heard a few hip-hop songs but I enjoyed almost every performance.

There were even a few artists that I had never heard of like Byon Kay and Ori Lavi and the Robot Boys and the Drill. And how Marco Borsato’s “Droom, durf, doe en deel” had eluded me all this time is embarrassing. I have some work to do.

Oh yeah. The dancing was pretty darn good. Am I officially a dance dad?

Last week my two girls performed in their annual dance recital. Aside from a dislike of some musical choices – coupled with the fear that one of my daughters would be dancing on them – I actually enjoyed the performances. There is usually very little hip-hop, and at times, a am awarded with discovery of some unknown music.

And oh yeah. The dancing’s good too.

This year was a tribute to the dance teacher Miss Marjanne who is with giving dance classes, the kids feel it like a little bit of losing her. (that still sounds weird, doesn’t it?). And it was a musical retrospective of her life – from “The Lion King” through her time with the dancers from then and now. 

It was all there, it really gave me some goosebumps when they all were culminating and the entire groups were participating in the now for whoever has seen it, the iconic “final” dance. As every dancer had written down the memories about the dance teacher their voices were recorded on the music and one by one they danced away from the stage. When I heard my eldest daughter speak and saw her dance, I could not hold my emotions back and cried a few tears. It was overwhelming and astonishing there was a real love glow.

A family friend brought her 8-year-old son to the recital. He came just to hear the music and was exited by almost every song as he knows of course my daughters, he was watching with an open mouth their performances. And that’s when I realized that music that continues to transcend generation. Granted, most of the music that the younger kids enjoyed was from K3 as they all grew up with it. That makes my job of exposing them to good music so much easier.

The dance groups perform at competitions throughout the year, so those performances were also included in the recital.

In a time where it would be too easy to resort to the latest hip-hop flavor or Ke$ha single, it’s refreshing to see creativity and melody taking center stage. And it warms my heart to think that some young people are being exposed to this at the local dance studio.

The Old Sailor,

Old Sailor and Poetry

Dear Bloggers,

This time I write about some poems that grabbed me by the throath. When you can read between the lines a lot of things might be pretty simple if you would use these words as a guideline. First of all there is the poem of Max Ehrmann called  Desiderata. This time most of the words have been already been written by people that had their great moments already in live. In that way I am just a simple blogger. Who is writing stories just for his own fun being misunderstood by his spouse as I am spending too much time behind the Laptop according to her.

Whatever the history of Desiderata, the Ehrmann's prose is inspirational, and offers a simple positive credo for life.

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Desiderata is Latin and means 'things that are yearned for', which in the context of the poem more closely means 'essential things'.

This poem Desiderata is a bit old school but I think it is stil brilliant, more from our time is the article Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmich I think it is absolutely material for our new generations.

Maybe the song of Baz Luhrmann might be something if you are not much of a reader. Everybody is free to wear sunscreen

Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

 

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

These two people are real word artists and I can only wish that my readers can do something with it or write a comment with a poem that might be even better.

The Old Sailor,

Do you still have a sexlife

Dear Bloggers,

 

First of all I have to say sorry that I have not been much of a writer lately. I can make up a hundred excuses but no one cares I guess. Let my think what was I planning to write about this time. Oh .....it was something we discussed about on a Saturday evening when I was at work having my break in the cafeteria. Most of my collegues are over fifty and you can guess what the conversation is about if you have only men present. Surprisingly some guys are very talkative and some of them were admitting that their sexlife was not that brilliant anymore. Some had lost the feeling as the beauty had faded and sex was not that much pleasure due to nagging about pain, headaches and what ever was on her mind. Others had trouble to get something straight due to medication or not being interested in their partner anymore.

It really got my mind going about this matter and I thought I am happy for a while when I get lucky. If I compare things to approx fifteen years ago my sexlive became more boring as well. As some couples from my age still shag their brains out. Whenever it is possible or whenever one of them is arroused. It makes me wonder: Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year. (Scary but based on reality.)

I recently asked myself the following questions as I wandered about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. I came to this subject as my spouse was forbidden to have sex due to the heavy antibiotics she was getting to shut down her nasty pneumonia. To me sex is a great thing as it clears both my body and mind. In that matter I do not understand much of the woman’s way of thinking. Hmmmm.......am I an addict or just a healthy bloke? But at this moment it is very quiet between the sheets. (Damn I feel old at the moment.) Here’s my mind setting.

Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more

I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.

Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in the survey never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. Probably sounds familiar to some of you that are afraid that their kids might walk into the bedroom during the bedroom game

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

People in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.

Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.

In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

I’m hoping to begin to understand what I am doing wrong in my own situation this time, to try and understand better the processes that others experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so. Maybe we can still live happier and until the end being together, and why is it so important to us.

The Old Sailor,