Being expelled from school

Dear Bloggers,

A strange situation has occurred at our community, at the elementary school. A 10 year old boy was placed on our school as has former elementary school could not handle him anymore. Due to their incompetent attitude towards the child and the other parents, the situation has been dragging on for years. These parents have been saddled up with a strange situation as all of a sudden their 10 year old son was expelled from our school. It was not the school that send him off but the school board committee made this sudden  decision. Somehow in the back of my head something tells me there must have been some kind of  complaints to remove a child from a school with no further notice. He is big bloke for his age but needs a lot of attention. Yes, he is quite a handful although you simply handle him with bare structures and a straight follow up of things he needs to do. Probably some children have been scared of his massive being and complaint at home. They possibly have been ringing some bells at the address of Primo. I anyway think that the Dutch education system is not capable to handle these kind of kids. So let us say that we need to call attention to the more than 16,000 children who are officially truants, from their position that they themselves sit at home because their gifted with some kind of an attention disorder and there is no suitable school for them. Let me give you some facts that I could find

Yeah, it's like that the Minister of Education, Culture and Science (Ms Bussemaker) itself indicates over 16,000. And there are even more than for the previous school year 1600 more than in the 2011-2012 school year.

The numbers given by the minister herself :

I took the data in their house letter of  2010-2011 2009-2010

1. Absolute failure 8098 6878

Returned to school 4297 3599

2. Number of truants

A) start school 2296 2269

B) increase during

the school year 3140 2913

C) returned to school 3281 2414

3. Number of exemptions 3107 2964

Total according to definition 16 641 15 024 absolute failure, truants and exemption

 

With the term "truants" means the Minister pupils who should be enrolled in a school, but more than 4 weeks at home. For these students, the school is responsible. With "absolute failure" means the Minister school children / youth who are not enrolled in one (or not funded with) education. These children / young people do not go to school.

When both data are added leads to a group of 13,534 students in the 2010-2011 school year unjustified was not enrolled in school (absolute failure), or it was registered but longer than 4 weeks sat at home without a valid reason.

In the 2009-2010 school year was about 12,060 students.

If the number of exemptions here to be added, resulting in 2009-2010 a number of 15 024 and 16 641 students in 2010-2011. (This does not take into account the number of students in the course of the school year is returned to teaching.)

For exemptions talks about children who do not go to school because they need here are exempt. These children are officially not appropriate for school. This group as a newcomer many gifted children .

If you look at the background of the home are you come out on :

a third are gifted children

a third (potential) children with a so called backpack (for disability and behavioral)

a third adolescents (crime, drugs, alcohol problems in the child or the parents, problems at home)

For about 8,500 of the children covered by absolute failure, you can argue that there is accounting deregistration due to act embarrassment of the school, or school do not know what they should do for these children. School helps them not at a school that knows and can do. The responsibility lies with the Minister but the parents and according to her, the compulsory here required action.

However, if you for example look at the situation of this family the guys of  Primo Opsterland, the school board committee would like to send him to special school in Leeuwarden. According to the psychological welfare reports this would be a too long trip for the young bloke as he has trouble to sit still for such a long time and in half a years time there is space at a school nearby. The school board committee had no intention to listen to the parents as they already had made their choices and expelled him straight away. There answer was “we already started the procedure.” But you can not conclude that the parents have not gigantic done their best for their child to stay at school as the previous school had totally failed to handle him. Their son is now at home without any form of education, although our  school is bringing him some homework. When he was still enrolled in school, it was denied access a number of lessons. The school still feels obliged to give him some sort of an education and he will not get too far behind with his learning skills. Their son was removed from the previous school because of the embarrassment operation of the school.

The defense of the school board committee came down that she felt she had done enough by finding a school in Leeuwarden for further education by referring to a education providing for pupils with severe behavioral problems and to system for learning support.

The parents have as far as I understand rightly refused because there was no questions asked if their child is able to travel that far due to his impulsive kind of a behavior. They also indicated that the trip to Leeuwarden was not an option, because their boy is gifted therefor he is quickly bored and having ADHD makes him a person that runs all day in the fifth gear. In response, the school board committee says that the school system that gives education in the Netherlands simply is not set to the supervision of students as their son.

And now comes the curve: the school states that education in the Netherlands ( Not talking about the expensive private education which is also possible.) simply is not set to the accompaniment of these children and therefore, the attendance officer says that the parents are saddled up with their child sitting at home. Do you get it yet? I do not. Unfortunately I do not  know more families where there is a similar situation: school failure and the responsibility of this failure is on the school board committee.

The result of all this: they are awaiting a lawsuit as their child needs the special education.

There is an impasse. The parents say that there is no school at the moment for the boy, but I think he really can go anywhere. With a supervision order, I would love to help my family to  to find a suitable school. 

Can someone explain to me why the appointment of a appropriate school can be turned by the school board committee and make that the school is indicating action to be taken to get him some extra help? In this: during the time he was educated here at school. A prerequisite for this school is that the lessons are not followed within the regular borders you should just give him some other way of education. His learning skills are not the problem but his way of running through life in the fast lane is.
 
Sitting at home is not fun: you lose your friends and rhythm of life. You feel being left out, put aside. "I lack something. In addition, the children in a learning. Parents who have sufficient money can still choose the option private education. This option is not for most parents.

 
What should actually happen:

At work I see a lot of children who have learning difficulties and now successfully remain standing in the school system. Well, I see clear difference in children where the school their supports in the other approach were I talked about. I see the children at the elementary or secondary education already have grown in their learning, behavior and attitude. They can and want, sometimes only insight and tools needed for their learning and behavior. Come on guys of the school board committee it is not that hard, you are not only hired to earn your salaries by doing nothing else then to decide for others.

 
The Minister indicated that the national budget is based on enrolled students. The number of students not enrolled has no surplus in the national budget result she says. However, there is a certain number of students per school year. Are the files of the absolute homesitters from the bag of the minister as they count on the National Budget? The government holds 80 million per year to the children that "absolute truants are. Indeed they are not enrolled in school. For the relative truants (or enrolled in a school, not present) is also true: school receives money, making no charge for this home seated child. That money was supposed to be created in a fund should be stopped and should be used for re-integration of truants and to eliminate the learning deficiencies. The Education Inspectorate can see to it that this is done correctly and ensure that schools really pulled out all the stops to make sure that they take responsibility. Aloud the question: why is this child taken away from school. Schools are being hindered by the October 1 Control: For later onset former truants get a school no money. Schools also do a selective intake.

I heard that the kid and his parents are still supporting the teachers of the school as they do not blame them for failing but the system. I only wonder why the school board committee came to the idea that he needed to resign at this point: why is this child taken away from school or why this child should not come to our school anymore it makes me sick to my stomach and they possibly need to go to court to sue this school board committee for this ridiculous decision.

I would say hoist the sails and get started!

The Children's Ombudsman might be something helpful just have a look at the website http://www.dekinderombudsman.nl 

Parents, teachers, school counselors and other professionals who have experience with a child (temporarily) not attending school are invited to report. Children's Ombudsman Marc Dullaert uses the reports for his research on access to education in the Netherlands.

The Old Sailor,

 

Do we make our kids ready for a burn out?

Dear Bloggers,

It’s the first full weeks back to school after the start of 2013 has begun, the winter is starting to wane, Spring is slowly moving forward and the madness has begun. Along with the homework and school responsibilities comes the extra-curricular activities galore: Jazz dance, Judo, learning to play a keyboard, gymnastics, swimming, Girl Scouts, and singing with the school choir and more. If you’re a car driving dad (or even if you’re not!) chances are you’re shuttling your kids around to one or more of these activities every afternoon. But while there’s nothing wrong with clubs, sports and the like, some experts say we may be burning our kids out too young as they fall into the “busy trap” just like their folks. Are they right?

Recently a health organisation polled more than 800 boys and girls between the ages of  9 and 13. A whopping 90 percent of these kids admitted they were stressed because they were too busy. Another study found that kids’ free time has dropped by 12 percent in the past two decades, that playtime is down three hours a week, and that unstructured outdoor activities like hiking are down 50 percent. With kids being whisked from one activity to the next every day, experts say many of them have little time for homework, a healthy dinner or even a good nights’ sleep. Hmmm.....is it me or are we becoming bad parents?

I believe that this generation’s kids have become too busy with organized activities to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. When we were growing up and we were kicked outside to play, we went from house to house ringing doorbells and going too local sports clubs on a bicycle. Now kids are being driven from activity to activity and the kids next door aren’t around to play because they’re off at gymnastics or starting soccer leagues.”

Is this “busy trap” just a Dutch thing? No it is much wider an more complicated, according to me. “I think it’s good to be involved in activities, but I think it’s really important to get the balance right. Children like their own company. They lose the capability to amuse themselves if everything is put in front of them in an organized, structured club type of way. Long gone, it seems, are those times when a whole weekend ahead with nothing planned was seen as a luxury and a perfect opportunity to spend time together and share those valuable and irreplaceable moments of childhood. Parents used to go to the local pool and teach their children how to swim. ... Now they enroll them in a club where someone else teaches them.” Yes, guilty we did the same.

As a father of two, I know the “busy trap” all too well. I believe part of the reason we keep our kids so busy today is because there are simply so many choices. As my friend pointed out, back in the day, we signed up for whatever cheap recreational program was offered in our little village and called it good. There were no fancy club teams or gymnastics club or dancing studios promising Olympic gold medals if participants worked hard enough. My brother played a little soccer, and I took horse back riding lessons and later on I took fitness classes. That was it. In our (ample!) spare time, we waded in a drainage ditch behind our backyard and came home happy and covered in mud.

But I understand “those days” are long gone. Because the world is not as safe as we’d like it to be, we can’t let our children simply roam the neighborhood until it gets dark. And because many of us live in what I like to call the concrete jungle, we don’t have backyards with trees to climb and dirt to rub our feet in. This leaves children often stuck inside, left to play video games or watch too much TV.

But experts say this “busy trap” goes beyond just wanting our kids to succeed. Some argue that parents live vicariously through their children. If their son or daughter is involved in six different sports, they are important and successful, along with their children. Others say we simply don’t want to be left out. If we discover our friends’ kids have signed up for hockey, we might just find a way to squeeze it in between soccer practices, just so our child doesn’t miss out on gaining yet another skill. Is this unhealthy behavior?

Not always, extra-curricular activities can help our kids gain self esteem, help them set goals, and encourage teamwork, time management, physical development and relationships. These are all life skills kids can take with them into the workplace and beyond someday. Nevertheless, i would say, kids should stick to something they truly enjoy and feel good about.

As for me, I choose to keep it simple: Both of my kids jazz dance, making me a bonafide jazz dance dad. I have made the choice for our family to stick with our local club for now. There will always be a time for more, but I want my kids to have time to ride their bikes around the block, play at the park and maybe sneak in an ice cream cone after dinner.

Moms and dads what do you think? How many activities are too many? Have we made our kids too busy these days, depriving them of them of a relaxed childhood? Or do you think it’s healthy to keep our kids on the go? What do you think?

The Old Sailor,

Life is a bitch and I.......

Dear Bloggers,

Have you ever wanted to shout, scream, yell till the world knows about the pain you are going through? 

My wife has changed a lot in the last year and yes we all have to get used to the fact that she is standing up for her rights at this moment she is finding her new boundaries and not everyone is pleased with her or her attitude. We end up in fights and most of them are about nothing at all. Last night we had another one when we were cleaning in the kitchen and was explaining me that I was doing it wrong. I was tired and easily fired up as I felt that she needed to kick me down. I totally lost it and I shouted and yelled at her. There wasn’t any effect.

I nearly cried but my heart still felt pain. I was hurt. My emotions needed an outlet. An outlet to express sadness and hurt. Especially when this feeling of hurt was a result of one’s own family members bad temper, the mind just froze and the heart experienced a complete maddening sense of sorrow. What happened to us am I not the man that she loved anymore. Am I just treated like any other pet that lives here? I poured a cold water shower on my head. It helped me calm my nerves and move on with the rest of the evening. 

Tears still continued to flow when I was lying in bed but maybe after yesterday I actually realized that no, this is not the time for self pity. Living in 2013 and crying about and for people who treat you like dirt?? 

I guess I need to just walk away from them. There isn’t any point living for them. A dog’s tail can never be straightened. Never!! But this doesn’t mean I am gonna allow people make my life miserable. I have always been there to support them in their needs and all I get in return is anger and hateful words.
No, this should come to an end as my life is much more important and blessed to surround myself by such people. I was preparing tea in the morning and thinking “it’s gonna be her birthday in April, why not plan a big birthday bash.” I am sipping tea and thinking about party ideas. Hmmm.....let us see how many friends we have left after all those years.

One hour later I hand over the land-line phone to her and suddenly I am faced with angry glares. I shouldn’t have handed her the phone. I am not supposed to think for her. How on earth am I supposed to know which one needs to be rejected and which one she is gonna invite. She didn’t tell me anything before and how should I know this? 

I always thought I’ll try and be the best husband as I can be. But I guess no amount of efforts I’ll never reach that stage… For her an ideal husband means “No interference with me and just listen to me.” but yes, when I am in need of help you should be there, No excuses!! 
I don’t think that I am the right person for her anymore as there is hardly anything left of what we had. We loved to do things together and had a lot of fun doing all kinds of jobs around the  house. Just to make it our own project. 

The relation is suffering of it as well. That’s what is hurting me the most but by the time I poured ice cold water on myself and got ready for bed the feeling of hurt slowly evaporated and blogging about it made me feel less disappointed. 

I didn’t do anything wrong. Being yelled at for not being handy enough cleaning the kitchen pisses me off and without knowing anything about her bloody mood swings as we are not doing enough around the house. If every move that you make is criticized you start moving less and less. It sounds crazy but it absolutely isn’t my fault. 

The Old Sailor,

From Full Steam to Self Esteem

Dear Bloggers,

My eldest daughter is a bit shy when it comes to making new contacts, but with a little help from her parents she is getting less and less a creep mouse and gets slowly more self esteem. Learns quickly if it comes to nasty situations and loves to argue with her mom. I have the feeling that she is growing in the right way.

Self-Esteem:  The Best Gift You Can Give

When I am asking the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most of the people tell me that they are being loved by at least one of them. Then my next question is:  “How do you mean that did you really felt loved as a child?”  Just a few of them remain with the same answer.  No matter where I ask, the response is generally the same.  What does this mean for us as parents? Should we raise our kids differently ?

Self-esteem, especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being lovable.  Whether we know it or not, we are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time.  For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are.  Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide. No matter what if these are our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, touch and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,” “I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and what they deserve in life. 

We, as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously by repeating the patterns that our own parents used with us, or to make a conscious choice to pass on the values we would like to see perpetuated.  It is not always right but also not everything they thought you was wrong, maybe some of them were badly explained.

 

My advise is: Pass on the best and throw out the rest.  An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an honest look at your own childhood.  Remember what it was like growing up in your family.  What did your parents do to make you feel loved?  Was their love conditional or unconditional?  How did they discipline you?  Did they believe children need to be controlled?  How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other?  What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you?  Try not to idealize your experiences, but rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family.  Not remembering painful memories leaves you at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.

Our parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them.  Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we wished we would have had.  When my mother died, I thanked her for giving me the passion to parent a different way.

It is better to prepare than to repair.  Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life.  Here are some of the major factors that contribute to self-esteem:

High Self-Esteem

Respect (valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter, and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in, acknowledgement)

Low Self-Esteem

Disrespect, Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism, judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)

Self-esteem begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you.  This love spills over to your children, who learn to love themselves and to love you.  Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth.  Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” 

Bite your tongue.  I have noticed that when I am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said.  I can totally explode when I am in a bad day and having nasty mood swings. My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does mine.  Healthy families remind each other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their failings.  Take time to regularly remind yourself of your goals and values what you want for your children—and you will create that consciously.

Flip your focus.  Many of us have been taught to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.”  Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you want, not what you do not want.

Examine your expectations.  Expectations that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and set us up for disappointment.  Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe in them.  Maintain a balance between high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.

When you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself.  I wished that my mother had told me how to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker.  A large part of self-esteem comes from feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the things we want to do.  Many times, we unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.

Here is a good exercise in self-nourishment.  Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with candlelight).  It is especially revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these activities.  Make a commitment to do at least one activity from your list every day.  This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.

Get rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do.  Listen to what you say to yourself during the course of each day.  Turn up the volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not good enough.”  As you hear the messages, write them down.  Where did they come from?  The reason most people feel bad about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are.  For every statement you record, think of a way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an affirmation as a reminder.  Turn your “stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.  You will be surprised what happens not only for you but also for your children. 

When you are having fun together, love just happens.  Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend with your children having fun.  How much time to do you devote to play?  Most of us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or maybe renting a video.  We have forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store, and swimming with a friend.  Luckily, our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover the child within us.  Play brings a special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.

Discipline without damage.  I often ask other parents what comes to their mind when I say the word discipline.  The most common response is punishment. Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be self-regulated.  When our children “misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame.  When anyone feels attacked, they will shut down to protect themselves from our harmful words.  “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need ________.  Taking the time to formulate an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your buttons are being pushed.  What is coming up in you from your past?  Then you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your parents.  It may come up, for example, that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second day.

Finding new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system with natural and logical consequences. 

Joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half.  In the past, extended families were the rule, rather than the exception.  We no longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood. 

Listen, listen, listen.  We all know what it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not listening.  Most people need to improve their listening skills. Eventhough the one who is talking is a boring talker he or she deserves a listening ear.  I am improving my listening skills.  When you listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish speaking.  Then, reflect a feeling back to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”  If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood what they said. If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly.  This is “win-win” communication, and it enhances everyone’s self-esteem.

Let go of perfectionism.  My wife was a perfectionist and was a master at keeping the house nice and tidy. I am aware of how I did not develope that same tendency as my mom was in that case not wanting to be perfect. My children have helped her to recover from the mistaken belief that anything must be perfect and straight and the other ones could help you to make it nearly perfect.  Because perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated, disappointed, and angry about the strangest things.  Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family and if you are able to change to a less perfect life. There will be many things changed in your life as people around you have to adapt to you as a “new” person. Yes this is hard for persons that have been around you for many years and lost control about this new you. Never mind that they are angry but they should pick up and try the new you. 

In the beginning it is hard to let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and silliness to your life.  Be gentler with yourself and others. A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather provides an opportunity to learn.  When children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises.  The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

What goes around comes around.  A wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them.  My children are my best cheerleaders since the beginning of my illness together with the changes in my career. They remind me of the fact that perfectionism is not needed and I should let go of it. I’d better look at my ability to succeed something that I can do and they are in there to support me. They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning family in which everyone feels like a success.  It is not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture.  It is worth the effort though.  Happiness and connection happen when you replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and attitudes.  It all begins with self-awareness and a conscious choice.

The Old Sailor,

        

twenty years ago

Dear Bloggers,

I am 44 years old and I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman (42 years old) for 20 years. We have been married for 15 years. We have a beautiful 13 year old girl and a 8 year old girl. We always have been a quite happy couple as we were both happy in our jobs and lives. In the past year my wife often complained that she was unhappy in her job and with her life and admitted to being in a full blown crisis with herself. As her boss was making her life to a living hell as she was bullied by her.

She always said however, that his unhappiness had nothing to do with the kids or me but that everything else in her life was 'wrong'. I believed her.In fact I always thought that we had a very strong marriage. We seldom fought and shared some hobbies and interests and also had our own separate lives. She had gone in to therapy and we have been in some heavy battles. As she started to stand up for herself my life became less pleasant.

In Juli I discovered that she had just started to change ............. The cliche! I was devastated, shattered and asked her if I needed to move out of our home and reflect what she really wanted. What should I do? Am I fighting a losing battle? No it is time to hang in there. I guess that many couples would break up at this point and others will make a new and fresh start. I started to read about it and found the following things. I was surprised about what I found.

A new study shows it's possible to be madly in love even after 20-some years. Nice news in today's world where the idea of lasting love seems almost quaint. The study from Stony Brook University in New York used brain scans to find that some long-married couples have the same intensity of attraction from the "dopamine-rich" area of the brain as newly in-love couples.
We all remember the intense butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of falling in love... and the uncertainty over whether those feelings are returned. 

This study suggests that after 20 years you can have the excitement without the apprehension. The area of the brain associated with anxiety was less active for the long marrieds than it was for new couples.
Unfortunately the findings shed no light on the "how." A small sample, it doesn't delve into what happens in the middle -- the years between wedded bliss and empty nest passion. Skeptics claim, the study only shows that "It's possible to fall in love again rather than it's possible to maintain new love."

After 20 years couples have survived career strain and financial draining. Parents subside for years on baby-talk and carpool roulette. And that's if they're lucky enough to avoid life's other challenges. If you've made it through that, perhaps it means that you have to rediscover your partner. You either realize you have nothing in common or you fall in love again. The mid-life crisis looms.

In the course of interviewing 40-something women for 40-20 vision, they've found some who still have an intense passion. Then others who don't think they'll ever have that first love flutter again but ended up with something they say is better: A partner who is there for them, makes them laugh and shares the highs and lows. Someone who you trust enough to give space and take space... and who you still can get it on with even it if has its peaks and valleys. The one thing everyone agrees on is the ups and downs. It's really how you handle them that counts.

One observation concludes that the results make many couples feel inadequate about their relationship. That's something 40-something women relate to. We love to compare after all. Which may be why so many women expressed disbelief or awe about a recent interview with Sting on his relationship with Trudie Styler. They seem to be living proof of the study's findings. In addition to the Tantric sex rumors, they cite a few other reasons for the success of their 18-year marriage:

'Relationships aren't easy, but we're lucky because we actually like each other,' says 59-year-old Sting. 'We love each other -- that's a given -- but Trudie lights my world up when she comes into a room. I don't take her for granted.'

'It's important to have frank discussions about what the other wants. To be in a relationship that is like a little lifetime, that's a challenge,' Styler admits.

'Being apart juices the relationship,' says Sting, noting, 'There's a playfulness we have; I like the theater of sex.'

How does this compare to them who have survived years of marriage while living real lives? Surprisingly it's pretty consistent. Here are a few perspectives:

One thing I'd tell my 44-year-old self is that I'm glad that I hung in there in the marriage. I had tenacity. A lot of young people would've said, 'I am out of here.' I'm so glad I learned what commitment is. You can't be inside anyone else's marriage but when I see my friends getting divorced now, I'm like, 'Are you kidding me? Over that?' I would say to be committed and tenacious and kind... but don't forget about yourself in the process.

Be aware of each other's needs and expectations. It's being on the same page, even if it's to expect the unexpected.

We truly adore each other. After 20 years I'm happy to see her when she walks in the door. Of course sometimes I want to punch her in the face but overall, she makes me happy. For the most part our expectations of each other are always met. Many people are unhappy because they're constantly disappointed when their expectations don't meet. If you're well aware of what your spouse needs and wants and you're willing to do it, it makes for a lot more peace, happiness and overall enjoyment.

You have to like each other. It keeps the lows from being deal-breakers.

Sometimes you're in sync and sometimes you're not. Through the years it's been back and forth. Sometimes she's so amazing. I just see her and think, 'wow.' And then sometimes I'm 'uggh, I'm so not attracted to her.' She probably hasn't even done anything. She's the exact same. It's just me. But as long as you both have good intentions and you treat each other like friends that you like... as opposed to someone you're pissed at, you'll be okay.

Spend some time apart.

You have to cultivate your own interests. It keeps it interesting. When you do stuff that doesn't involve the other person it makes it more fun to be together. If you don't have a social life, an intellectual life or some kind of activity that isn't all about your significant other, it's really hard to feel that you have a sense of identity.

Don't take each other for granted. Make an effort to make alone time together.

It could be just be watching a comedy or movie together or going to dinner. We do a date one night a weekend. We go out just the two of us and try to not talk about the kids. Have something outside of raising your kids or talking about the business of running the house or all that stuff.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to trust that you can be yourself.

You can't have real intimacy unless you're willing to be vulnerable, both emotionally and sexually. You can't really be yourself during any sort of sexual intimacy if you don't allow yourself to feel vulnerable. It only comes from being safe with somebody, trusting them. (hmm....and this is cousing in many couples the break-up as they aren’t vulnerable and this leads often to things such as adultery.)

And last but not least...stay physically connected no matter what.

Stay intimate and close, especially after you have a child. She is not a roommate. It's an intimate relationship. Stay connected physically. And hold hands. Say I love you. These are just simple things that are easy forgotten.

Who knows, perhaps knowing that you can recapture that first love rush without the fear can be motivation for couples to stay versus stray. 

The Old Sailor,