Slowly we are getting somewhere!

Dear Bloggers,

Do I have to call myself a “sick” man?
I went to the rheumatologist this week and it was getting a bit closer to a verdict, at least it is not rheuma, but on the x-ray of my lungs there were some doubts and I will be send to the next specialist.
On the second of June, I have an appointment with the lung specialist.
To do some more tests and hopefully to elimenate the Besnier - Boeck disease.
This disease is also quite good in hiding, although if you get the granulomas on your skin they are pretty obvious, I would say.
I have just been wandering why this disease is so hard to figure out, as we are having so much knowledge in this western society.
Oh... for crying out loud can somebody tell me what is going on.
I found the following item on the wikipedia site.(this is pretty depressing, nice stuff for rainy days.)





Sarcoidosis (sarcoid = sarcoma-like, -osis = a process), also called sarcoid or Besnier-Boeck disease, is a multisystem disorder characterized by non-caseating granulomas (small inflammatory nodules). The cause of the disease is still unknown. Virtually any organ can be affected; however, granulomas most often appear in the lungs or the lymph nodes. Symptoms usually appear gradually but can occasionally appear suddenly. The clinical course generally varies and ranges from asymptomatic disease to a debilitating chronic condition that may lead to death.





The cases that it leads to death are not even 5% but it seems to be difficult to diagnose it.
Maybe it might be more positive if they can elimenate sarcoidosis it will be diagnosed as fibromyalgia, a very painful but not destructive disease.
(anyway I will be placed on a course together with my wife how to deal with the pain and how to deal with practical things in life.)
Also for my partner is this a complete turn around and she will have to learn to help me in so many different ways.
As it will be difficult for the both of us to deal with the fact that I cannot do certain things in life anymore and she has to offer a helping hand.





Fibromyalgia (new lat., fibro- fibrous tissue, Gk. myo- muscle, Gk. algos- pain), meaning muscle and connective tissue pain (also referred to as FM or FMS), is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (tactile allodynia).[1] Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness.

I was also send to dietician to loose some weight and get another style and rythm of eating.
As soon as they have diagnosed what it is, I will be send to a fysiotherapist to learn to move in the right way and have breaks in between and to force myself to rest, eventhough I have a good day.





It is great to finally know what it might be, but on the other hand it is scarey.
Thank god the sun is shining on this cloudy medical future.
Well let me end with the following qoutes:"That pain doesn't hurt me, neither does life, it doesn't matter what happens, I will survive!" and "I think what messes us up the most is that we all have this perfect picture of the way things should be.. So turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you."

The Old Sailor,

painful fingers

Dear Bloggers,

If you find yourself moved to write me about something, you may reasonably expect to get an answer.
That isn’t likely to happen, though, and I’d like to tell you why. I simply cannot be your pen pal.



Three or four months ago I woke up one morning, showered, dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee and jumped in my car to go somewhere.
That was when I discovered that overnight, without warning, my right hand had so enfeebled itself that I couldn’t turn the key in the ignition.
The rest of my body seemed to be aswell affected, so I reached over with my left hand to start the car, meaning to ask my doctor what the hell was going on this time at the next chance I got.



I will start from the beginning I went to my own doctor and told her about my stiff fingers and being totally stiff in the morning hours.
As we came to the conclusion that I had mentioned this last winter as she looked through my files.
We blamed it on the cold and moisty weather and that it would disappear when springweather would come.
A few months later I took up the talk again as there was no progress in my situation.
There are good days and there are bad days.
It is getting so bad that getting up in the morning has become a challenge.
The morning stiffness is the biggest issue, after a hot shower I am getting slowly in motion.

I ended up talking to a doctor of internal diseases and an eye doctor, being subjected to various high-tech tests.
What’s going on appears to be a rheumatological problem.
Fortunately for me, they take their time about it, but they’re pretty thorough.
The fingers of my right hand are the worst affected so far.
What makes that annoying is that I use that hand for writing.
At least the first draft of a lot of my blogs was written by hand.



That option is no longer open to me, because my handwriting, always atrocious, is now often quite illegible even to me.
Also my job is getting to heavy and it is bitter if you have to give up on something you like.
One of the biggest problems is the fatigue attacks and the sleeping disorder.
Being tired all day is very heavy, but I am starting to turn things around.
The pain I am living quite good through, although it is hard sometimes.
I try to see the positive sides of my situation.
If I go out for a walk to get my body in motion, I breath in the fresh air and enjoy what nature is showing.



Remains the computer.
That still works for me, but not easily.
I can still touch-type with my left hand (in the old days at almost about fifty words a minute not superfast but good enough) but the right hand can only hunt-and-peck with the forefinger.
Not that I was that good in typing with all fingers something I never learned eventhough I had a course in it.
Isn’t life hilarious?

This is bad news.
It’s horribly slow and prone to a million mistakes, which I have to correct as I go along, and, worst of all, after a page or two my right index finger begins to get pretty painful.
So my writing time, whether for blogs, letters or any other task, is limited. Therefore, at least until I finish a couple of things I really want to write, correspondence time is squeezed even harder than my cervical nerves.
A blog like this normally took me one or two hours, now it takes up to four days.



And listen, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.
Hey, I’m 41 years old.
That means that I am far luckier than most of the people I know in being still able to write at all.
It’s just to say that if you ever happen to think you should properly have had a longer letter or mail from me, or indeed any letter or mail at all, it isn’t that I don’t treasure you, it’s just that my fingers hurt.

The Old Sailor,

Spring has come at last

Dear Bloggers,

Spring has come at last to the low country.
Heralded in by the song of the frogs in the duck pond, the roaring sound of agricultural machinery is all around.
The air is alive with the constant song of native birds, the melody and harmony of all these birds is telling the story of the spring.

I used to say I can tell the season by my hands.
Yes, it’s spring.
A blister from shoveling, a blood blister from pliers, a torn cuticle from a hammer, a cut finger from barbed wire, and more.
My hands are swollen in the mornings when I wake up.
I do not like that feeling.
I know they have worked.
My hands are my tools.
Their idle time is over.
My wedding ring no longer fits.
I managed to squeeze it off, rather painfully, and now I am waiting to see if we can have it stretched to accommodate the swelling.
I miss the feel of the simple metal band, no longer there on my hand where I expect to feel it.



Also my hands and wrists are swelling up now and I have days that I cannot wear my watch as it is too painful.
And working in the garden is long time ago.
When I was diagnosed with costocohondritis and figured out that my body was my enemy in this case.
Ok I still was mowing the lawn on good days, but shoveling or redoing the tiles and oiling the deck has not been my job anymore.
Although my wife has taken over these jobs and my kids are helping to pick the weed, I really feel manytimes that I became useless.
Sometimes I sit down and cry as I can hardly bear it that my body has so given up on me.
Everyday is different and I experienced pain in the strangest places.
Although it hurts like hell every now and then, I keep on going as everybody tells me to keep in motion.


A good reason to keep on moving

A biking tour from 30km as in my “old days” I can dream about that, but if I can keep up on doing my daily tour of 3 km.
When I come home I am fully done and crash into a deep sleep on the couch.
What the **** has happened to the old me.
It is not that I want you to feel sorry for me but it can be mighty frustrating,
I try to enjoy life as much as possible.
There are enough negative people in this world.
I am doing my best to make my wife and kids as happy as I possibly can.

Living off in the countryside has given me the opportunity to experience my fair share of country stories.
Most of which, I really can not tell you… but here’s one that is rather appropriate.
It involves herbal love… and gardening!
The days that I was young I had a teacher who was much into herbs.
They lived very close to nature and they were nearly never sick.



Now I am having pain and the medical people can still not really figure out what is attacking my body from inside.
The only thing they give you are painkillers (bad motherfuckers) as you are being high of them all the time and your body is ending up with a lot of toxic waste.
When I asked the therapist if there was a friendlier way of taking the pain.
She laughed and said I cannot cure you but maybe I can make your live less painful. But do not expect miracles, well it is a bit short term but I am using a little less painkillers.
It is a herbal mix and I have too follow the schedule, let’s hope it will give more results on the long term.


The flower that might give some relief

My question is why are these people still placed in the corner of witches and charlatans?
Why don’t we look at nature as a pharmacy and we still have not discovered all curing plants.
And why are all these doctors so afraid of these natural healers is this only because of money?
I should think that they should join eachother and believe in eachothers knowledge. So we need to spend less money on finding the right medication by listening to the patient.
I am quite a sceptic if it comes to medication at all, but I am not afraid to try new things.

I am waiting for less rainy days in my life.

The Old Sailor,

Bad days can have good moments

Dear Bloggers,

For now this will be the last blog written after work as I will write the coming ones from ashore Due to heavy pain caused by some kind of arthritis like problem, I have had a few bad days but I have enjoyed the good moments of them. It is just that the job is becoming too heavy for me at this point and I have to live on strong painkillers just to make it through the day. So I will call in sick for the next few months and hope that they can at least give me a diagnoses of what is hitting me so hard.


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I must say my days go pretty well. I'm past feeling burdened by every thought, sight, body movement, and interpersonal interaction. I've moved into a phase of feeling mostly like myself while still experiencing moments of muscle cramps and muscle aches each day. (Surprise!)
Only the nights are like a cheap horror movie, I wake up in the middle of the night due to this razor blade sharp pain attacks and they come without any pre-warnings. I have to get up and go for a hot shower too take the sharp edges off.



A wise and elderly person (my dear mum) told me years back when I was a little sailor, that even when it is though times you have to try and look for the sunny side of live, and it can be pretty clouded I can tell you.



"Sometimes it's hard for you to keep up the dance of daily life while you are processing your feelings. Nevertheless, you can do it, even if you are hurting inside. Keep in mind that your emotions are raw and tender now; they wouldn't survive in their present form if they were on public display. Don't judge yourself negatively; you'll know when to share your heart."

I read this once somewhere and saved it in my notes for later and look it became useful today .

I thought that was pretty applicable! I am keeping up that dance. From the outside, all looks normal with me. (I think. I hope!) And I feel fairly normal — for good, long stretches of every day — from the inside. Although it is sometimes hard to laugh, when you are in a lot of physical pain, and having a sunny character that is held back by medication.





But inside is definitely where I'm keeping what remains of those raw, tender emotions and cutting through pain of all parts that can move. I've reached a point at which I don't feel better letting my emotions out. Talking about them doesn't help, but hanging on a bit and nursing them does. I am simply not the person that wants to be someone they feel sorry for. I hold my head up high as long as I can.

All in all, I'd say time is doing its thing.

The Old Sailor,

What is the cause?

Dear Bloggers,

I am quite a humorous person and not really that old, ok I have a few grey hares but still I do not except that people stand up for me or feel sorry for me. It is just that my body is refusing to work with me. This means that I have to stop working for a while and that is even more painful for me. The frustrating part is that giving a diagnose is not that easy. I checked on several sites and forums and my goodness there are a lot of sad stories (for some it took more than 4 years to find a suitable diagnose.)






The following parts I found on the internet and now me and the doctors have to pick one of the diagnoses or what ?









Fibromyalgia is considered to be a syndrome—a set of symptoms that occur together but do not have a known cause. There are theories as to what may cause it, but there is not enough evidence to support any single theory. People—especially women—who have a family member with fibromyalgia are more likely to develop it themselves. It has been recognized as a medical disorder only since the 1980s.
Some theories suggest that fibromyalgia may be linked to:
• Oversensitive nerve cells in the spinal cord and brain. Oversensitivity may be due to changes in chemicals in the brain or spinal cord that regulate pain. As a result, the person senses pain more easily, and widespread muscle pain occurs.
• An imbalance in the brain chemicals that control mood, which results in a lowered tolerance for pain and may also cause an unrestful sleep cycle and fatigue. Once this happens, a person becomes less physically active, and the muscles and tissues become more sensitive and painful and more easily irritated.
• An imbalance of hormones such as cortisol and growth hormone. Their release is controlled by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus. Imbalances of these hormones can result in fatigue, mood changes, concentration and memory difficulties, a lowered tolerance for pain, and other symptoms.
• A disturbance in the deep phase of sleep. Some chemicals, such as growth hormone, are secreted by the body during this phase of sleep. If sleep is disrupted, the body produces less of the hormone. Disturbed sleep may be both a cause and an effect of the pain of fibromyalgia.
Many people connect the beginning of their fibromyalgia symptoms to a certain event. These events can include an illness such as the flu, an injury or surgery, or emotional trauma and stress. An event of this type combined with other factors, such as increased sensitivity to pain and an ongoing sleep disturbance, may lead to fibromyalgia syndrome in some people.





Or is it Lyme disease?





Lyme Disease Symptoms
• The initial infection can occur with minimal or no symptoms. But many people experience a flulike primary illness or a characteristic rash several days to a few weeks following a tick bite.
• The flulike illness usually occurs in the warm weather months when flu (influenza) does not occur.
• The rash is a red rash that grows in size daily. It is called erythema migrans.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines this rash as a skin lesion that typically begins as a red spot and expands over a period of days to weeks to form a large round lesion, at least 5 cm (about 2 inches) across. A red circular spot which begins within hours and is smaller is usually a reaction to the tick bite.
When the rash occurs at the site of the tick bite, it is called a primary lesion. Multiple secondary lesions can occur that are a reaction to the infection and are not due to multiple tick bites. All of these lesions can grow up to the to the size of a football. This growing in size is characteristic of Lyme disease.
• Left untreated, symptoms of the primary illness usually will go away on their own within a few weeks although the rash may reoccur.
• Later, additional symptoms may occur. The organs affected later may lead to the following conditions:
Facial palsy is paralysis of the facial nerve that causes the facial muscles to be uneven (This may get better without treatment.)
Nerve inflammation causes numbness and tingling in the arms or legs
Intermittent episodes of arthritis last about a week and usually involve the knee or wrist. These may recur over periods of weeks to months, and if the Lyme disease remains untreated, about 10% of people who have these episodes develop persistent arthritis in the knee. Occasionally, people with Lyme disease can present with an acute arthritis in the knee without a clear history of a rash or other joint complaints.
Inflammation of the heart (carditis) results in irregularities in heart rhythm.


I am all at sea ......................... lalalala, long live the painkillers.





All in all I am fitting nearly in both pictures, is there anybody that is not a 100% sure of what it is. But it is time to hurry with at least a treatment.

The Old Sailor,

Already today my body has become my enemy

Dear bloggers,

Yesterday was the day that I had to go to the hospital; hopefully they will come soon with some results as living with pain 24/7 is unbearable.
At least that is what I think.
As all the results of yesterdays examinations brought absolutely nothing.
My day at the hospital started at 09:30 and ended at 17:00 well I was fully in a sarcastic mood when we went home.
Only a lot of frustration was what they could offer me, and for **** sake it is eating me alive.



If they can at least tell me what my future will bring me, and even if it means that I can work only a few days a week.
It will give me something to struggle with.

Well this how my day looks like, when I am home.
I love my family and I know they love me.
A little understanding would go a long way.
It is 6:15 am. I stumble towards the bathroom as hot water is a relief and helps me to get in motion.
Already today my body has become my enemy.
Some days are worse than others, and I have not held myself back enough lately.
I have been enjoying my kid's playing outdoors too much.



The pain bothers me all night long every night, all day every day.
No position is comfortable.
I keep moving and trying to position my body so it won’t hurt so badly.
The alarm goes off, I wasn't asleep but it still surprises me.
When I stand PAIN! My feet hurt so badly, and it just goes on up my body like a tidal wave.
Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes.
I try hard not to let any one see me when it is this bad.
Just my wife but she is most of the time sound asleep.
Some days are worse and this day is worse.
I just keep moving, walking praying my muscles and joints will loosen up enough for me to enjoy the morning with my daughters.



I want to take my muscle relaxer and a paracetamol when they leave.
Words cannot describe what I feel; is it called fibromyalgia or polymyalgia or is it Lyme disease?
What ever name it is given it has had me in its grip since this winter.
Sometimes I don't know what causes it.
It takes me by surprise I may make a soft grunt or moan.



I am feeling horrible and it is coming out as I am grumpy and burst out in anger if they are not listening.
I know it is wrong to yell at the ones that you love.
But god it is difficult sometimes.
You know that no one wants to hear you moan or complaining.
The pain has control, I am exhausted, my whole body hurts, and even my eyes feel dry and gritty.
It feels as if my bones are cutting through my muscles, tendons and skin.
It feels as if I am metamorphosing, my muscles can no longer support my bones and are melting away.



I feel I am turning into something ugly; I don't want to go out unless I absolutely have too.
It hurts and I am so tired of this PAIN second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, week after week.
I cannot keep up with housework; the rare visitor probably thinks that I am lazy.
I see the looks I get. I am not lazy. I am disabled (ugly word).



I work still a full time job at the receptiondesk of a ferry, raising together with my wife two daughters.
I did all of this at the same time.
I was strong, the busier I was the more I loved it, but all of a sudden I had to take it easy and it was the start of a life full of pain.
I say this to people who don't have Acute Chronic Pain; do not judge me.
I may look normal enough if you don't look close.

But know this you are fortunate.
I am in constant, unending, unrelenting PAIN.
It rules my life, my family’s life.
It seems I only exist at times.
My empathy to all of you who suffer as I do.

It took me a while too write this story, but it is worth it as my life is at certain times pretty frustrating.

The Old Sailor,

ABBA - When All is Said and Done

Dear Bloggers,

Typing is very hard at the moment, but the music keeps me going.
Soon I will be back with a bit of text

The Old Sailor,

A tribute to the Scottish fans

Dear Bloggers,

As a bad experience with so called football fans, did not make me look forward to a football trip of the Tartan Army, but I must admit that I was wrong this time, prejudging what was coming towards us. We are used to at least having a bit of trouble during the busy weekends.



But this a tribute to Scottish football Fans
Supporters of the Scottish national team, the so called “Tartan Army” are real fans and they are different than from most other football fans. They are not only loyal to their own country, but like also other countries and clubs. Although some supporters think a bit differently. The races between the superpowers of football are often degenerate into vicious fights, sometimes with murder and manslaughter as a result.



Last week more then 1300 Tartan Army fans travelled on our ship, the group was quite good organized a few minor issues could be solved pretty quickly. To me it was really sensational when they boarded the ship in North Shields, nearly all of them were dressed in kilt’s. As a Dutch man I had seen the country dress up in Orange but this was also a very nice picture. They travelled with us to see Scotland – Holland. Also commentaries around the game were fantastic as they expected some trouble.
The game between Netherlands and Scotland ended that Scotland lost with 3-0 Sufficient reason for Scottish fans after a big booze again separately, end up in a fight with supporters of Holland. If you could imagine. Because it often is. But that was not. There was no arrest.

Two police officers from Amsterdam said: How the Scotland supporters behaved, should be for all an example.



The highlight of peaceful (say brotherhood) behavior was the great party that came over Amsterdam.
It does not hurt anyone if you are being a bit drunk, but in a happy mood. Only a few pubs ran out of beer, but that was easy to fix.

Other supporters should be able to take an example to those of the famous Tartan Army.

The Social Charter prohibits any form of discrimination. Also this group is collecting more and more money for charity and solidarity funds. In 3 days time we transported 3,000 Scottish fans and it was in my eyes the largest peaceful migration by ship since the Second World War to the city of Amsterdam and a few days later the travelled back home.



Despite the defeat against the Netherlands was no incident recorded by the police on board we had only rather small issues but they were simply to resolve by extra security by talking to the person. The supporters of “the Tartan Army” having there own style and it is humorous and musical. The ship’s crew identified this style as the best in the world.

I served with pleasure this time, I got a different view on Scottish people now.
Well I stick to this phrase like always: “Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

Stiffness

Dear Bloggers,

As you could read in my last blog, pain is becoming more and more into my life. Also my fingers are affected by it and I really have to take my time to write a story, my blogs might become a little less frequent but as long as I can I will keep you posted. I was just wondering if you have any clue what is hitting me at the moment. I will try to write down what is making my live extremely difficult at the moment.



Do you wake up in the morning feeling like you are just unable to get out of bed?
Do you have joint aches and muscle stiffness?
If you can answer yes to these questions then you may be suffering from morning stiffness.
As I am suffering, but I do not complain that I am a victim of morning stiffness. This stiffness is often long lasting and recurrent, and sometimes becomes a permanent symptom.

What is Morning Stiffness?
(Yeah, right a dirty mind is joy forever, but it is not what I mean today.)
Morning stiffness is pretty self-explanatory – it’s stiffness that you feel when you first wake up in the morning.
But what does this stiffness actually feel like?
Well, let me describe morning stiffness as a tightness in the muscles and joints throughout the body.
This muscle joint stiffness usually lasts for at least 30 minutes, though it can last for hours.

It also doesn’t exclusively occur in the morning – it can continue well into the afternoon and evening. This stiffness can impede movement and range of motion as well as cause aches and pains throughout the body.



This morning stiffness can have a huge impact on a person’s daily activities, making it difficult to sit, stand, or rest for extended periods of time.

Where Does Morning Stiffness Occur?
Morning stiffness occurs in the muscles, joints, tendons, and ligaments throughout the body.
Stiffness can be felt in pretty much any connective tissue, but the extremities are particularly at risk for stiffness.
This means that most of the time I feel morning stiffness in my hands, feet, arms, or legs.
The back is also particularly prone to stiffness, especially thoracic, and cervical spine areas.



Symptoms of Morning Stiffness
There are numerous symptoms that often occur with morning stiffness.
If you notice any of these symptoms, report them to your doctor so that you can get appropriate treatment and relief.

1. tightness in the muscles after you wake up in the morning
2. stiffness in hands, fingers, feet, toes
3. gelling, or tightness in the muscles after periods of rest (for eample: long car rides, sitting at the office, afternoon naps)
4. aching or throbbing pain, especially in the hands, arms, legs, and feet
5. inability to fully extend certain joints, limited range of motion
stiffness in the head, back, and neck
6. stiffness reoccurring at night

Aggravating Factors
Certain factors seem to aggravate morning stiffness especially I would note that cold and humid weather make their morning stiffness worse.
Also sleep disorders contribute to the severity of morning stiffness symptoms. Anxiety and stress are also known contributors to morning stiffness.

How does Morning Stiffness Impact You?
Morning stiffness can take its toll on you, especially if you suffer from severe symptoms.



Muscle stiffness and joint stiffness can make it difficult to go to work, drive a car, or even get out of bed in the morning.
However, with movement, morning stiffness does get better and it is usually possible to keep up with your daily tasks.
If you are suffering from morning stiffness for a longer period of time it is a good idea to consult with your doctor.

But take my advise:"Just look up, maybe you just miss the sun..."

The Old Sailor,

If pain is taking over your life.

Dear Bloggers,

What if pain is taking over your life.
At the moment I am living life with a lot of pain, my doctor got finally realistic and sends me to specialist of internal diseases.
I am just over 40 and my body is fully working against me. In the blood tests that were done, once again there was nothing found and I am so not amused.
All my joints are hurting, my neck, my elbows, my knees, my wrists (off and on in various finger joints) and one of my ankles.
The year has just started and it is a painful beginning.

About 12 months back they discovered that I have Tietze's syndrome.(Costochondritis)
I walked around for almost 2 years with a nagging pain in my left side at my 4th rib from the top counted.
First they thought that it was pain of the recovery of my lung after the pneumonia that I've had.
Because I was still fairly unfamiliar to the intense pain it caused, in the beginning I was a few times rapidly rushed to the hospital with an expected heart attack.
The symptoms seemed to be very similar and the pain at the left is so stinging that it just feels like you are going to die.
The hospital found out, after a number of examinations that there was nothing wrong with the heart.
But what it was, they were not entirely sure.



To my great surprise I had a number of things that I no longer used as such as my garden tools.
This kind of things I have to suffer with an intense pain that will bring me one or two days completely down.
When the diagnosis was made that I had Tietze, I started searching the Internet and came to the discovery that I was not the only one suffering from this.
I ended up on the site of A. G. Hol: www.tietze.nl
I discovered only now that it is something that has been there for years and I finally figured what was going on with me.

In winter I have trouble getting up on my feet and I'm stiff from head to toe.
All my moving parts are hurting like hell.
I am like a very old man when I am at the beginning of my day.
To give you an example of how my day is:
“You feel like having a heavy flu than you can also sense the pain from the muscles, also the heavy feeling and being extremely tired is part of it.” (I fall asleep in the middle of the day, I get sleepy out of nothing.)
I am simply falling asleep from one moment being fully awake until the next moment I am falling into a deep sleep.



However, the severe pain is getting sharper and tears my soul in two.
My fingers do not work with me and they are so stiff and painful, and my daughters, I can not help them, for example, a biscuit packaging I can not open it.
But whatever is coming on my path, I also have to learn to accept and that fibromyalgia is going to be part of my near future, and again I just have to get used to it.

Life is a path that is crossed by pain and love.
Only a pity is that I see more pain than love.
Happiness comes in small pills, who are also called painkillers.

The Old Sailor

Happy Birthday Old Sailor.

Dear Bloggers,

It is that time of the year again, soon there is my birthday to celebrate and year 41is there (that is 14.975 days).
Like every year the discussion starts what should we get you this year.
And funny enough the answer is already there, like always.

This year I get a new car stereo as the “old” one is giving up on us.
Not too expensive I claimed as the “new second hand car” might have these things integrated.



Aging. Getting old. Nothing seems to shrivel up a person's wish to celebrate the anniversary of their birth like the number of candles to be lit on their cake.

Sure, there's a large number of cards at the corner store dedicated to sagging skin and creaking joints, but you know: age is just a number, right?
Comedic interpretation, learning to laugh about turning 41 will do much more to make you smile than woe over your latest grey hair ever will.



There's great reason to look at getting older as a good thing - you get to move on from the torture of growing up and look forward to things to come. With age tends to come a sense of peace and forward thinking - as we move into adulthood, life can become more about what the future holds for us than what we missed out on yesterday.

Now, a quiet dinner with your loved ones, without any gifts at all, can make for the best celebration you've ever had.
Remember the hell that was adolescence? You're done with shyly wondering if the popular kid in school was gossiping about you or one of your best friends.

Your early twenties were likely the years of (not just birthday) parties, hot dates, not being a grown-up, but no longer a child. It seems like every one's got the same early 20s strife: we searched to figure out who we were going to be with someone else, instead of figuring out who we already were. We were running after the perfect achievements - things, friends, careers and lovers - without being able to sit still and recognize what we already had.



I've heard that with the 30s comes a sense of peacefulness and acceptance. We stop always looking for something better, shinier and more expensive and get to know ourselves. We become more focused on comfort, as opposed to unachieved idealism. Some of us develop families and become the parents we would like to be; others put their time and effort into career and personal development outside of the home. Some of us do both! All of us tend to learn that what we have is okay and even a little bit wonderful, and we drop the feelings of regret over unimportant choices we made in the past.



With our 40th birthday, we might evaluate our lives. Our kids (if there are any) are often growing old enough for us to grant them more independence, we've got a lot of experience we didn't 20 years ago, and we've come to know ourselves and the world around us enough to ask, "What's next?" without negating anything we've already lived. We can sit, pondering whether we'd like to study something new, take a new turn in our careers, start a business - and best of all, we've gained enough confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do what we set out for.



I can't wait to get older and to celebrate each birthday that marks me maturing. Maybe wrinkles and sagging aren't on my wish list, but the wisdom, being comfortable with myself and my life's choices, peacefulness and the adventures that await? Definitely the best birthday presents I could ever hope for.

What are you looking forward to as you get to your next milestone?

The Old Sailor,

A night out with the Old Sailor,

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes I have these brilliant ideas to go a night out with my wife, but when you are having two kids not old enough to stay on their own.
You need to organize things on forehand.
And this is not easy when you are like me, and right away I say yes to a spontaneous idea.
Ok, everything turned out the right way.
Although I need to thank a lot of people for this great support and cooperation they al gave. We had the opportunity to have a look behind the scenes of the musical Sunset Boulevard.



First of all I will revert to the movie.
Sunset Boulevard is typical of Billy Wilder's penchant for risky subject matter, but it's also more visually appealing than some of his films combined.
It's a film that succeeds on many levels of production; the script is intricate and boldly conceived (if at times melodramatic), the set design is marvelous, Wilder's direction is fluent, and the lighting and camera movements are stately.
Aside from these concrete elements, the film also seduces the viewer into its own special world that is rather indescribable; if you don't believe me, bad luck and I wonder if you have seen it.

Last night we went to the musical version.
The music has been composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber another big name in musical world.(Jesus Christ superstar, phantom of the opera, cats, and Evita.)
Although musical is not really my thing as I am not that good at sitting still for a long time.
We were invited to come and see the show, we were allowed to use the foyer were the cast is having their break and the artist entrance.
My wife did not know anything about it and for her it was a big surprise.
The only thing she knew was that we were going out for diner and that her work schedule was changed.
(A lot of organizing for me behind the scenes, but that is the toll that you pay when you are a hopeless romantic like me.)


Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma) and Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling)
It is of course something special when you are being so close to the star players, not everybody gets this chance.
I really have to say we had a great night out and the musical is absolutely catching.
As my wife had no pre information about the story as she did not see the movie, or could pre read on internet about it.
Within 5 minutes you are being dragged into the story.


Betty Schaeffer (Maike Boerdam - Strobel)

Well let me give a short impression about the story:
In a passage that is pure Golden Age Hollywood, screenwriter Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling) escapes his shadowy creditors to the side of Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles where he unearths the crumbling mansion of the equally crumbling, self-proclaimed silent film "star" Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma/Pia Douwes).
However, her problem is that she hasn't come to accept the reality of her current situation, which manifests itself into the several misshapen aspects of her life: the "fan letters" she believes she receives (but which are actually sent by her butler Max, another has-been filmmaker, played by Peter de Smet), the general otherworldliness of her mansion, which seems to be fusing into the shrubbery that surrounds it, or the lack of locks on her vast doors as a safeguard for Max in the instance of a possible suicide attempt.
"I am big. It's the pictures that got small,"
While her personal corruption seems to be associated with her loss of fame and aging body, Gillis is on the opposite side of the spectrum.
He's a writer who has frequently been on the cusp of a big hit, but whose minor failures have progressively made him more and more cynical.
When asked by Norma to assist her in writing her script, he jumps at the opportunity, being well aware of the status she had reached as an actress.
Creepily however, Norma takes hold of Gillis, scrutinizing his every move, an action that eventually turns for the worst when Gillis begins a love affair with Betty Schaeffer an engaged script reader played by Maike Boerdam.
When ambition runs in Sunset Boulevard, self-absorption is not far behind.
Gillis seems to lose his identity, grabbing hold of the promise of money over a more worthwhile situation.


"The Butler" Max von Mayerling (Peter de Smet)

A very deep and sad story but I was absolutely impressed by the musical, so I like to applaud all of you.
A great piece of art made by all of you.
I am normally not that impressed by the Dutch translations of top songs but you could feel that it was performed with a lot of passion.
The original movie Sunset Boulevard is certainly one of the most handsome productions of the 50's, and Wilder's knack for weaving a complex psychological tale while also keeping his taboos close to mind is undeniable.

Anyway we had a great night out.

The Old Sailor,

Happy with what you have, not with what you could get

Dear Bloggers,

My wife… What can I say about her? She is always there for me. Always giving up her own life for me. She studied still when she we first met. But she gave up her own career for me to pursue my dreams. I know, she will say our dreams. But the honest truth is that she gave up her future career for me to go off and tackle the world. Always taking a back seat…

My wife. A mind as sharp as her tongue! And damn! If only you knew how sharp that tongue can be! I always tell people to rather deal with me because I am the easy one. The soft one. But you mess with her… Man, man, man… All hell will break lose! Remind me that I tell you about the poor insurance guy one day. Haha! I don’t think he ever recovered.
Anyway…

My wife… We moved in together and she gave up her own job for me, and started work for peanuts at Arriva. Because that was what I wanted her to do. I was in between jobs all the time and worked as a freelance bartender and only weekends we were busy. As I needed to be a bartender.
You know what my wife did? She was pregnant… But she had to go and work somewhere for us to earn a bit more money because I got us into that situation. She stuck with it until I found a better paying job two years later. That’s what my wife did. That’s what my proud pregnant wife went to do.



My wife… That is how much she loves me. She would do everything for me. She has done everything for me. She has given up her life just for us to be together and for me to explore the world.
This take-no-shit, bright as hell, (and hotter than hell) proud, strong and suffering woman will do all that just for me. Can you imagine that?
And that isn’t even half the story. Apart from giving all that up she loves a crazy man. Her suffering is double what you can imagine!
Baby, I love you so much. I truly know what it means to love someone more than life itself. Because without you there will be no life. No me. I love you more… I think of you every single minute of my day. I always just want to be with you. Hold you and love you. (And all that other good stuff as well!)

I am one lucky, lucky man to have found the one person who makes me better than what I was meant to be. I am nothing without you. But I am everything because of you.
You have given up so much just for me. And the girls. You tolerate us. And you love us. Without asking anything back. All I have to give you is me.
A reminder. So incomplete. But it will have to do to give you a glimpse of how much you make me who I am. Baby, I love you. More…
How I Love My Wife

How do I love my wife?
In so many ways…
I love how I never want to write about my love for her because I know that I can never say it just the way I want to. And how I know that I still wouldn’t be able to say or write it the right way even if I was more gifted than Shakespeare. How words can never tell the story of my love for her. Because words have boundaries.



I love how she holds me and asks me what is wrong when I don’t know how to say what is wrong. When all that is wrong is that the world just got a little bit too heavy. And that all I need is her arms around me to make me feel safe and strong again.
I love how I listen to that stupid Hero song of Enrique and cry because I just want to be her hero. I just want to wipe away the tears. I want to kiss away the pain. I just want to stand by her forever. Because she always takes my breath away.
I love how she has to bite her lip when she laughs when I do my silly accents. And how she laughs with no sound and the tears runs down her face. And she’s laughing at my stupid jokes.

I love how she pretends to need me even though she is so much stronger than me. I know she doesn’t climb mountains. She will make the mountains come to her. And that they will just obey.
I love how she speaks with a “little voice” when she gets back from shopping and asks me “Don’t you want to help me carry?” And how I know there will be a little something in there for me.

I love how I used to hate Tom Cruise for taking the best line with “You complete me”. But how I know he didn’t even get close. She makes me. Not complete. She just makes me. Me.
I love how she laughs and shakes her head and says “What am I going to do with you?” whenever I make one of my suggestive comments. And how I do it just to hear those words.



I love how I look at her and compare every girl I see to her. And how no one compares even if they are on the pages of magazines or in leading roles in the movies.
I love how she is the centre of our universe. How she holds everything together and give meaning to our family. Stronger than gravity or any law of science.

I love how my smile gets bigger the closer I get to home. How I just want to run and laugh because I know she will be there and everything will be just fine.
I love how she wanted me even though she could get anyone she wanted. And how she stays with me even though she can get anyone she wants.

I love how her hand feels in mine when we walk with the girls. I love how I touch her while she’s walking and kiss her on her cheek.
I love how my heart still races when I kiss her when we make out. How her lips make me forget everything that makes me mad.

I love how she acts all needy when she wants me to get her some Coke or crisps. And how I love getting it for her.
I love how I still get butterflies when she reaches for my hand without her knowing she is doing it.



I love how she is the first thing that touches my lips in the morning and the last thing at night.
I love how she holds me and looks into my eyes when she tells me that she loves me more.

I love how I know every part of her body but still don’t know enough.

I love how she puts her hand on my leg when we go for a drive.

I love how she believes in me even when I have my doubts.

I love how I can write another million words and still not tell you how I love my wife.

The Old Sailor,