Living with chronic pain, nothing to be sad about it

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

As a seemingly healthy person in my mid-50s, most people don’t suspect that I am living with chronic pain. When I tell people about my condition, it feels like many still doubt that I’m serious or assume I’m exaggerating. But truthfully, like many with invisible conditions, I’m probably more likely to downplay the severity of my discomfort on the rare occasion that I do mention it. It’s the kind of thing that seems to make people uneasy: pain that’s frequent or constant, with no means to alleviate, even though I always wish the Paracetamol in my medicine cabinet would magically do the trick. 

How things came into my life?

My chronic pain started in my late teens and has been worsening for years. It’s localized most intensely in my joints hands, knees, feet and neck. Along with it are daily pain on some of my ribs and monthly inflammations of bursae. The cause of it all is the weight of my body, working on it, but the progress is not very fast if you cannot work out fully anymore as I ripped a couple of muscles through the years of existence and this is worsening my pain. 

Am I the only one?

No, There are many people that are dealing with chronic pain and many of them know how to hide it from the outside world and some of them are living right through the pain. Others like me need some treatment in pain relief and go to a specialist for advice and treatment. In other words, many millions of people around the world are dealing with invisible and ongoing pain. I’m far from alone in my experience. 

Diagnosis

Arthritis and inflammation is an important cause of joints pain. I wake up off and on throughout the night with shooting pain in legs knees and hands, my finger lives a life of their own. Every morning, my joints and fingers are stiff and painful, sending shockwaves of pain through from my whole body. In the beginning, I believed that it was all in my head. Doing dishes or walking for a long distance but also sitting in the same position can kill my day and make life completely miserable. Some days, I know as soon as I get out of bed that the combination of feeling sour and pain means I just won’t be able to sit at my computer and write a blog story on this day.

A good healthcare provider can help you find the root cause of the pain while treating it. This is particularly critical for younger people. Because it’s less common for chronic pain to appear at a young age, a medical issue can usually be uncovered and providers don’t want lifelong chronic pain to be the diagnosis if it doesn’t have to be. Although you have to request for it when you explain that this might save them a lot of money, it might help. In my case, the healthcare providers were giving up pretty quickly and diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and gave me medication (Diclofenac it stops inflammation and I had it for more than 15 years) to ease the pain. Nowadays, they tend to be “even more aggressive in looking for the causes of pain,” prioritizing things like MRIs, CAT scans, and blood work. Well the source of my pain was visually apparent and was diagnosable by a Rheumatologist and a physical therapist, the learned me to accept my pain and live with it without any other medication then Paracetamol. Every case is different, so go and see your physician and talk things through, as more elusive causes require tests like those mentioned above. 

With older patients, these diagnostic tests are also fairly routine options, particularly if pain is persistent despite treatment or does not have a clear cause. However, there is often some pain to be expected during the normal aging process, so it’s more typical to see older patients with chronic pain issues or for the cause to be clear, such as mine Arthritis.

 

Causes

"Oftentimes there was physical trauma, emotional trauma, or chemical trauma that initiated the [pain] process” for patients.

 Other common causes of chronic pain can be: Inflammation, for example caused by arthritis or an Infection, such as an ear infection and also an illness, such as cancer, muscular dysfunction like spasm. Chronic repetitive motion like a frozen shoulder or autoimmune diseases, such as fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis.

However, this list does not cover every possible origin. There are a massive variety of causes, locations, and intensities of chronic pain conditions. This can make the nebulous condition hard to categorize or track. 

Treating it

The options for treating or reducing chronic pain are nearly as vast as the potential causes. This can often delay relief if the first treatment is ineffective. In my case, I was sent to physical therapy first and went for many months, but found no relief from this route other than a confirmation of cause, so I’m now exploring alternatives. Many physicians hesitate to prescribe opioid painkillers for chronic pain because of their addictive potential. However, non-opioid solutions can be effective.

Treatment options for chronic pain

Medication is far from the only possible solution. Other treatment options for chronic pain are Physical therapy, Acupuncture, Local electrical stimulation, Brain stimulation, Surgery, Chiropractic treatment in all of these cases you are the one that decides in the end.

The best cure for my personal situation is treatment with medication in the long run according to the Rheumatologist we should wait with it as long as we possibly can. As Meds can do more damage in some cases. I’ve tried some other pain-alleviating routes in the meantime (including physical therapy and some Zen course to get my life in balance.) and have been slowly investigating more options recently (like chiropractic treatment and acupuncture) but this is for the years to come. 

Ultimately, what works for each person may be one of these things, a combination of several, or something else altogether. Some people may get some relief from treatments like these, but need surgery or deeper medical intervention to fix the root condition causing the pain. 

For a lot of people, myself included, just being aware of the range of options for treatment, and the fact that so many other people are in a similar boat (be it one we can’t see), provides the first bit of relief.

Smile everyday it might give less negative feelings

 

The Old Sailor,

 

When winter is a time of reflection than spring must be a new beginning.

Dear Bloggers,

The daylight is finally staying a little longer again although the dark months are not over yet. For some, this period is a time of reflection. A time to reflect on all that is and to be grateful for coziness and togetherness. Others suffer from the gloomy weather and find it a bit more difficult to reflect their thoughts, yet everyone is looking forward to the spring that occasionally comes back to us with a nice bit of sunshine. The warm plaids and cuddly cushions will soon make way for cheerful summer colors in the house, the fireplace will be lit for a few more atmospheric evenings and candles will be taken out of the cupboard once more. Let this cozy period last just a little longer.

Time to save our energy

But for others, this dark and cold period is a struggle rather than a blessing. The fact that the days are shorter and darker means that the sun gives us its lovely rays of light less often and for less time. Less sunlight affects our mood and energy levels. And that is only logical! Just look at the nature around us. Autumn and winter are the seasons that symbolize stillness and reflection. Old ballast is released. Trees and plants drop their leaves and the sap flow stops to conserve energy. Animals retreat to their nests or hibernate for the same reason: to conserve their energy. With high prices, we as humans also have to be more frugal with our energy in the form of heat so a little coziness from candles also gives a little extra warmth.

With us as humans, it does not work differently. We too are nature beings and a part of the big picture and have to deal with these natural laws just as much. Only, over the centuries we have increasingly lost our contact with nature. We get further and further away from our intuition and often don't even know how the most basic things in life work anymore. The further you are away from your own nature, the less you listen to it, the more inconvenienced you are by the dark period of the year. Sounds logical right? Do you recognize yourself in this? Then it's time for a change.

Follow the rhythm of nature

The coming months are a great opportunity to reflect. The dark period of the year helps you turn inward. Follow this natural rhythm. Delete non-essential energy-hungry appointments from your diary and leave plenty of empty spaces. You may turn your antennea inwards, inside yourself. Experience how you are really doing right now and what your wishes and desires are. Consider this period an excellent opportunity for reflection, for stillness.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Find a place for yourself in your home and make sure it is cozy, warm and atmospheric. Go and enjoy yourself to the full and take pen and paper with you and ask yourself the following questions:

- What do I need right now?

- Where have I failed myself recently?

- What old patterns and habits do I want to let go of?

- What am I afraid of?

- Which sides of myself would I like to discover further?

- What do I want to spend more time and attention on in the coming period?

- What does my dream life look like? Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I be?

- What do I really want?

Ask yourself these questions and listen to the answers that come naturally to you. Don't reason the question or answer with your mind, but try to answer it purely intuitively. Is your answer to the question "What do I really want?" that you want to open a restaurant in Bali as a cook, but are now a teacher in a kindergarten? Then write down your wish even before your brain tells you that it is stupid and not achievable anyway. Be intuitively present and let go like a little child. Don't think too quickly in limitations but imagine that really anything is possible, without brakes. Visualize what your life would be like if your desire is fulfilled.

By ignoring your desires, you turn your back on yourself

Some of your desires may be very big and concrete fulfilment of them would mean a rigorous switch in your existence. Yet it pays off to name and write down your mental and physical desires and your emotional wellbeing. Ignoring them and shoving them under the carpet all the time will negatively affect your constitution. Ignoring dreams means ignoring yourself. Your wishes and desires have the right to be named and explored in any case. Perhaps answering the questions above will bring things into focus that you can change in a very simple way on your way to fulfill your dreams. Ultimately, it is also important that you link concrete actions to the fulfilment of your dreams. But for now, it's all about that first important step: giving yourself the peace and opportunity to dream and express your desires.

How do you make your desires tangible?

It is important to get to know your desires and then hold on to them. Make that as a  commitment to yourself. If you don't, chances are very high that they simply will melt away like snow in the sun.

4 tips to make your desire tangible

- Go Draw and just to be clear: you do not have to be an artist to illustrate your desire on paper. Keep it simple and draw for example an object that symbolizes your desire. Or draw yourself the moment your desire is fulfilled.

- Make yourself a vision board this is almost the same as a mood board you make for your interior. Again, you start working with images to visualize your desire and make a collage of it. For example, use magazines and leaflets to express your feelings in pictures.

- Start writing like what I do and write about how you want to fulfil your desires. See it all before you how it feels when your desire is fulfilled. How do you think, what do you do, who is with you and so on. And if you are not a word artist then you can just write it down your way you just have to do it for yourself.

- Find an object with which you associate your desire and which from now on symbolizes that which your desire is for. This is a very simple way that takes little preparation or effort. Pick a nice spot where you often see the object and place it there with the intention that you will fulfil your desire. Seeing the object will be a trigger and reminder for you every time you see it.

Why you shouldn't take action just yet

Take the time to discover your desire. Connect with it by dwelling on it regularly. Making your dreams tangible in a way outlined above ensures that you consciously connect with them. In this way, you lay a solid foundation in yourself from which you can later stand up for the fulfilment of your wishes with conviction and inner strength. Later... because the time is not yet ripe to step out in a big way. Even in nature, the seeds are still hidden in the ground, waiting for the right time to come out. Which does not mean that nothing is happening, because in the meantime, the underground roots are forming. With the germination of something new, comes a calm energy, trust and resignation. In nature, this happens naturally. For us as humans, the challenge is to surrender to that natural rhythm and not force anything with our willpower. So be careful not to take any rash actions now in this phase of silence and reflection. Later, in the still silent early spring, when the seeds have germinated under the ground and nature indicates that it is time to step outside, then you may take action

.

Feeling your impatience

Do you feel impatience? Do you want to go faster than the situation allows? Observe your inner restlessness. Find out where it comes from, but don't give in to it right away. Don't let your impatience lead you. Exercise yourself in surrender. Deep inside you know that you should not force a growth process by rushing into action. You often regret that afterwards. Only take action if you feel 100% certain that it is the right action at this moment. Don't feel that certainty? Then trust that the time for action is yet to come. Because now, now is the ideal time for rest and reflection.

Stay calm and unwind.

The Old Sailor,

Having a relationship with a partner with Complex PTSD

 

Dear Bloggers.

 My spouse was the engine of our family and made my life easy for many years by doing all our financial things and a lot in raising our daughters and was a star in cooking and everything that you would love to see in a loving and caring partner and mother. Until 2011 everything was fine when a manager at her job as a Call Centre agent was telling her everyday that she smelled bad. After battling with this issue the company decided to rearrange her to an other team so she could recover from this. In the beginning this looked quite alright until this manager started to manipulate her in the form of gaslighting her mind. And yes he went far by even telling her that she should leave her partner and she was absolutely not worth to be here at all. I found these things out after several years that he had destructed her mentally.

 

The effects of Complex PTSD can disrupt lives and devastate romantic relationships. If your partner is living with this condition, your support can help them heal trauma through treatment. Learn your responsibilities in your romantic partner’s treatment and help them begin the journey to recovery today.

 

We had a fair romantic relationship together, I knew quite some of her past. I knew she had fled her home in the middle of a prolonged and violent relationship several years earlier; aware of her reluctance to talk about her past experiences, I respected her feelings and didn’t press for details. At night, she sometimes alternated between severe nightmares and prolonged bouts of restless sleeplessness. She accused me of hiding secrets from her and claimed she could not trust me and that I was planning to hit her. We lived a romantic and happy life after some time and she was getting used to the fact that not all man are the same and that your partner can be loving and caring.

 

 After many years living together, we decided to get married and however, I became aware that having a steady job was necessary as a part of her present life. I did a lot of small contracts in several businesses and I should find something more stabile for the whole year round. After serving my time in the army I became restless and could not deal with certain kind of people. Which made my life difficult as I needed some adventure and from that point of view I started a job as a waiter on passenger vessel. Not ideal when you are young and in love with the most beautiful woman that you know. In 2009 my career at sea ended due to reorganization in the company I worked for and I was laid off in a good way. The gave me some money to build a new career and I got paid quite well on the dole.

 

I took some time for myself to reflect on my career and what was still a dream for me. And I got my driver’s license for the bus and took off on my new job as bus driver through a temps office. We were a good team together as I was more at home we divided the jobs with the kids and the household jobs. She had build a career as a Call Centre Agent and was hired by the biggest phone company who just had started on internet and television through the internet. She loved her job and was always happy to help customers with their problems during the years the Company was pressing more and more towards targets and numbers. Not always you can solve a problem in five minutes. She was fully focused on fixing it directly. Very service minded towards the costumers care. Until they had totally smashed her brain in the beginning of 2014. She was suffering from things like not being able to pick up the phone and talk in full sentences. The manager she had was a real A-hole and a bastard towards her. It still makes me angry that you can be such a low life to destroy a human being with no reason.

  

 

We went to the doctors office and were send to a psychologist to get professionally help, it turned out that she had a variant of PTSD known as Complex PTSD. While PTSD, a mental illness that causes severe recurring anxiety and fear, may come about as a result of a single traumatic event of relatively brief duration such as a serious accident or a violent assault the trauma that triggers the onset of complex PTSD is prolonged and repeating, lasting for months or years. Examples of such trauma include long-term physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, a lengthy captivity, or, as in my wife’s case, a struggle to survive. Complex PTSD, also known as C-PTSD, is harrowing and devastating for the sufferer; the effects of this condition may also create stress for their romantic partner.

Comprehensive and careful professional treatment for C-PTSD is necessary for recovery. As this condition may create trust issues and inhibit the formation of interpersonal bonds, treatment may also be needed to heal romantic relationships damaged or destroyed by the painful effects of complex PTSD. If someone you love has C-PTSD, your support and empathy can aid in their recovery and repair your strained relationship.

 

Complex PTSD shares a common base of symptoms with PTSD, including flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and self-destructive thoughts or behaviors. In addition, C-PTSD features a number of symptoms being specific to the condition, including the following:

• Difficulty regulating emotions, which may take the form of severe anger, sadness, or suicidal thoughts.
• Interruptions in consciousness, including periods of dissociation and difficulty recalling events surrounding the trauma.
• Self-perception issues, such as strong feelings of shame, guilt, or helplessness.
• A distorted perception of the perpetrator of the trauma. Those with C-PTSD often have an unhealthy preoccupation with their former tormentor, seeing them as unstoppable and all-powerful. Because someone with C-PTSD likely experienced a trauma in which survival hinged on their interpersonal connection to the perpetrator, they may still be obsessed with that relationship long after the end of the traumatic situation.
• A loss of faith and feelings of hopelessness.
• Difficulties with interpersonal relationships, such as an inability to trust people or a nonstop search for someone to rescue them.

 

Complex PTSD can devastate your Romantic Relationship

If your romantic partner suffers from the effects of complex PTSD, it’s probably taking a heavy toll on their life and well-being in multiple areas. Your romantic relationship may be one of those areas. C-PTSD may make your partner unable to fully trust anyone, even those who are closest to them and that could include you. Your partner may also feel isolated, as though no outsider can understand what they’ve been through; as much as you care about their physical and emotional health and sincerely wish to help them heal.

 

One of the many symptoms of complex PTSD is an ongoing search for a rescuer. During the sustained trauma responsible for creating this condition, your partner may have longed for someone to free them from their situation; even after the traumatic situation has ended, the urgent desire for a rescuer might linger on. If your partner wants you to constantly perform the role of their savior, it can create a strain on your dynamic. While you may find such behavior unsettling or confusing, it’s important to always treat your romantic partner with trust, patience, and understanding.

Professional treatment for complex PTSD takes much the same form as treatment programs for other forms of PTSD, although the symptoms unique to C-PTSD are addressed as well. The intention of treatment is to restore power to the traumatized individual to mitigate the damaging effects of the symptoms and help them reconnect with their everyday life.

If someone you love is receiving treatment for complex PTSD, you may be able to aid in their recovery. Make an effort to learn all you can about your partner’s condition the causes, the symptoms, the effects, the treatment and be prepared to approach them with openness, understanding, and a lack of judgment.

 When your romantic partner has C-PTSD, helping them recover will require empathy, compassion, and gentle support. With your active participation in their professional treatment, you’ll be able to strengthen your romantic bond and help your partner through the healing process.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

Pain relief a diagnostic torture

 

In the end of October I visited the pain relief doctor. Nice word for Scrabble or gallows I just thought of. I was scheduled at the end of the afternoon and, as an expert by experience, I know that after a half-hour walk out you get a painful butt from sitting on the wrongly designed chairs which are specially designed for modern waiting rooms. When I am finally called in later I will be offered a cup of coffee immediately I hope (to ease the pain of waiting?) That hospital humor has never really suited me and I also think it is just schadenfreude really. The pain relief doctor has already explained at the consultation what the intention is. I will get a ultrasound guided Nerve Intercostal Block . I also went through this whole process in 2008 and the treatment is not very exciting although there are some risks of hitting a lung.

Back to the call and pain relief consultation for a moment. I was called if I could be at the hospital in half an hour and have a physical examination. Yes no problem I live ten minutes from the hospital so hop in the car and report. The doctor introduced herself and immediately started to write down my appearance (statuesque man, just a little too fat and pain on the left rib and of course), as it should be, a round of psychological questions was done. This is done to check that it is not imaginary pain. Quite a few "healthy" people seem to suffer from this these days. (I too use the Internet to look these things up).

The psychological examination was completed and we moved on to the physical. After explaining where the pain areas are located, they check pretty hard where exactly it hurts. I could cry and felt like I was about to go completely out of the conscious world. And no I am not very squeamish. I was seemingly able to convince the doctor quickly enough that I was going through hell and the examination was stopped for a while. It was moved on to the back to see if something could be wrong here. A number of suggestions for treatment were made and I had already indicated myself to have it treated as soon as possible. For this I will be referred to the pharmacy for pain relief medication to get through the coming time and some so-called blocking will be done on the rib on the left side at the end of the month. Once I left the hospital, I almost choked with pain in the car and we drove home. I could cry.

And then of course you have to keep eating, after eating a plate of macaroni, I vomited it out into the toilet bowl within 2 minutes under heartfelt apologies. The all-consuming pain couldn't even keep my stomach contents in place. Like being stabbed and the wound just wanted to remind you.

If that pain alone can be cut in half then I am already happy. After so many years I am quite used to it, I must say, and I have always told myself that my environment should not be a victim of my problems. But God Almighty what a pain.

 

 

And finally yesterday we had our adventure at the pain clinic and I must say it is just a strange idea, that for once it doesn't hurt anymore like it did for more than a while. It remains to be seen because at the moment there is still residual pain because the syringes have been inserted and this gives a more severe pain than before but as a reasonable positive guy I am hopeful again, after a week I should be able to do everything again. And then soon I will finally be able to throw myself into some light housework again without complaints afterwards.

I have been sweeping the room whistling a song again that did not happen for many years. And that's quite an amazing sensation when you've had to put the brakes on yourself for so long. I feel like a full person again although I will remain a "cripple" to the rest of the world. But yes, I can only rejoice and put on my old-fashioned bad boy costume again. I am going to do lots of naughty things again. The doctor did warn me not to overestimate myself now, and that it is not certain until the prednisone wears off. It is and remains junk but yes if it makes life less painful. (In the physical sense.) Now to deal with the aftermath of the pain which will be there for about a week as they stick a big needle in you which will give some pain as they shoot in some anti-inflamatorial meds and after this my life will be a big party again. Mentally seen there will be some party poopers and of course the medical bills will not be very small luckily we are insured for this. Anyway there will be those other pen licking ass- #@#$&@@#$ like the tax authorities for example have to cooperate a bit. So there will be some challenges during the holidays.

To give a bit of a picture of what the treatment is here is a link to a You Tube movie:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m--qyUUzH5U

 

The Old Sailor,

Workplace bullying might end up as Complex PTSD

 

Dear Bloggers,

As some of you might know that my wife is suffering from Complex PTSD caused by her managers over a period of three years and then something in her brain just snapped. Since this event she has been in therapy and until today there is no way to cure her fully. This means that there are no opportunities for her to do any kind of job. As there are to many triggers out there and she might be harmful towards other people. Instead of working she is going two mornings in a week to a farm with care for people with mental challenges and she is learning to do some light tasks and learns to ride a horse.

Complex PTSD is a traumatic experience due to workplace bullying or sexual abuse. But as more attention is paid to these kinds of experiences and exactly what they can do to victims, we are beginning to understand more about this condition. And this increased understanding should, in turn, give hope to the hundreds of people who find themselves subjected to workplace bullying every day.

Because the victims of C-PTSD do exhibit some of the same symptoms seen in standard PTSD, it can easily be misdiagnosed. But C-PTSD sufferers also exhibit some other symptoms that are more specific to the condition. These can include difficulties regulating emotions such as prolonged sadness, inability to control your temper or inhibited temper, and even suicidal thoughts. My wife became a victim of workplace bullying by her manager.

Other symptoms of complex PTSD include either forgetting or consistently reliving traumatic events; feeling detached from your own body and thoughts; overwhelming feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt or stigma; a distorted perception of the bully. Workplace bullying is so much more than just making your job more difficult. It is a very real form of abuse that can undermine a person’s entire sense of well-being.

By understanding the realities of C-PTSD, we can begin to break through the wall that surrounds workplace bullying and begin to let victims know that they are not alone and healing is very much possible. It will not work after three years of constant abuse at the certain point you might just snap.

Just an example of what you encounter with a partner with C-PTSD

All of a sudden a loud scream and she is sitting straight up in our bed her heart is pounding, I am fully awake at 2 am. She is totally panic-stricken and consumed with terror in her eyes. And mumbles: “He is throwing me out of a window”.

Our bedroom is quiet. There are no intruders, only our faithful hairy friends Fedde and Heiko are standing on the other side of the bedroom door.

I wonder if her loud screaming has scared any of our children.

After 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes as I lie in a snoozing mode again, I feel her and she is terrified in our darkened room. I try to decide if I should call a doctor to give her something to calm her down… perhaps I’m having it wrong and is it only just a bad dream. I am both afraid and confused. I know that it is safe in our bedroom, that there is no immediate threat, but her body and emotions are hijacked, and without my consent I find her immersed in past horrifying events.

Thankfully I do know now, from more than 8 years of experience, that a panic attack will eventually pass.

It feels like it’s going to kill her, but it won’t. but her body and emotions are hijacked, and without my consent I find her immersed in past horrifying events. I have to wait it out.

PTSD is typically the result of a specific, horrifying event, Complex PTSD is the consequence of numerous traumatic events, over a longer period of time. CPTSD is frequently caused by childhood abuse and neglect or, in my wife’s case, being trapped for many years in a very abusive workplace.

Complex PTSD and PTSD share symptoms, but there are some symptoms unique to CPTSD. If you are interested in a somewhat detailed list of symptoms for both PTSD and CPTSD, you can scroll to end of this post.

When I look objectively at the symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD, I can check off 99% of them (anger isn’t a symptom for her and also low self esteem has never been an issue) but still she tries to live in denial that she has CPTSD… until she is triggered and panicking so badly that she is struggling to speak’

Every morning she is waking up and begins her day with limited emotional energy. Our children are priority so she does everything to work around her limitations with PTSD to be available for them. She carefully plans her day tasks and she is trying to avoid crowds when she has to go to the shop.

One crowded, overwhelming event can sideline her for several days afterwards, so she is choosing her activities carefully, mindful of the probable fallout.

Still, 8 1/2 years after escaping her abusive managers, she still has nightmares and panic attacks. She is having huge gaps in her memories of the past years.

CPTSD is basically an emotional injury ~ an invisible illness. Since it isn’t as tangible as a broken bone I frequently have to remind her that living so much of her life being on “high alert” and in “panic mode” is both emotionally and physically exhausting.

According to my wife: “For me, being triggered causes a level of overwhelm that is very difficult to describe. Research done by PTSD patients has shown that when someone with PTSD is triggered and panics, the right half of the brain “takes over” and the logical, thinking left side of the brain is sometimes almost totally “shuts down.” When this happens to me it becomes almost impossible for me to speak and I can’t think. All I am aware of is the panic and a desperate need to hide. If I were walking with someone else, we would have to stop talking until the truck has passed because there would be no way to hear each other over the noise of the truck. For the minutes that the truck is roaring past, there is only the truck. I am totally consumed by the noise and vibrations of the passing truck. 

I’ve been told repeatedly that in many ways my situation was (and continues to be) somewhat extreme and unique. I am still struggling and doing little steps forward.”

There’s no way around it: PTSD sucks. There are ways that she has improved a lot in the past 8 years though. I can now write about it here on my blog. As horrible as CPTSD is, I want you to know this: there is still joy in the midst of the struggle.

I still laugh with my children. We have so much fun together. Our girls love to make us laugh… it’s become a bit of a competition between them to see who can show the funniest memes each day.

I have been blessed with two Shetland Sheepdogs, one of them is being a service dog for me. They bring all of us so much joy. Truthfully, I am not sure that She’ll ever will totally “conquer” her CPTSD but she is slowly but surely learning to manage it.

Instead of actively working she is trying to learn new ways to heal and better manage the symptoms of PTSD while she embraces her weakness and struggles. Many people do recover from PTSD and even CPTSD. There are numerous healing resources to explore. Perhaps you are also in the thick of PTSD or CPTSD.

CPTSD is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.

• CPTSD emotional flashbacks do not typically have a visual component. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feelings of past abuse/abandonment.
• Fatigue with symptoms of or similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Numbness, both physical (toes, fingertips, and lips) and emotional (inability to feel love and joy)
• Clumsiness
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing, seasons changing, and distances travelled
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable
• Social isolation, avoidance of relationships
• night terrors, chronic insomnia
• Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e. Psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.
• explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate)
• Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

 

If I could share one thing with you it would be this: please be gentle and take care of  yourself.

The Old Sailor,