Look at the whole picture before you judge someone

Dear Bloggers,

What is wrong with being a loner? That was the question I asked myself. Nothing I would say although on the other hand a couple of good friends, a partner or even relatives and of course your mom and dad if they are still around. Those are the ones that you need to get the unfinished stuff out of your system. I grew up in a small village at the lakeside in Friesland a place that doubled her population in summer months with tourism and in the winter we lived together like how it goes in a small community.

In those days it was normal to go to elementary school and on Sundays you either went to Sunday school or church in the village. Everyone knew each other so if you did something bad the social control was doing her job. And before you were home your parents knew already about it or the message was on it's way.

Nowadays I drive a commuter bus through the city of Groningen and I see and hear a lot of things that I hardly could imagine during my youth. In this city you are anonymous and some lay dead for many weeks in their shabby apartment's. You also see a growing number of homeless people and drug addicts. They hardly respect anything or anyone as they are surviving in the big mass. Armed robbery is a growing problem as the value of life is forgotten. They will attack you for less than € 50,- Yes, I was thought that everyone should be treated equal no matter what your background is. I learned a lot of animals they simply accept you if you can accept them. In my days on board I read a lot about psychology and was stunned by the fact that I have learned most things through natural and holistic behavior of these great animals.

In my youth I grew up in between horses and ponies and a lot of other animals. I learned that every animal should be treated with respect and you should give them some affection but most of them are not cuddly animals, you learn from scratch how to command respect. You're the boss and there is no doubt about that. The horse is the worker and you're the leader

Before you climb on and sit on a horse or pony, it is very important that you know why a horse or pony does something. A horse mirrors the rider how that works I will try to explain to you in this story. You have to know a lot about a horse before you can sit on it. To most of us it's all quite normal you first take a good look into the character of a dog before we make a purchase. Then most of the time puppy training is followed by one of the family members. We don't want to make any mistakes. Therefore, everyone that wants to become a rider should also take a course to start riding.

In my youth (and that was a while ago) my mom was the caretaker of the farm and dad worked with the horses on their riding school as a child you were told that you had to pay attention to what you could and could not do. Yes, I grew up among horses and all the other animals on the farm. 

We didn't only had the horses and ponies, but also ducks, chicken, rabbits, goats, geese and sometimes we got pigs just for consumption matters, In those years I learned to assist in the births of foals, and I learned when you had to stay and correct or not had to be somewhere else.

As a young bloke you had to help out moving them from stable to the pasture, You learned to pay attention to the posture of the animal, whether it was a horse or a chicken. You saw not only how the animals together, but also dealt with their offspring. Years of experience I carry with me and a little bit of this experience I want to pass on to the horseman or woman of the future.

As a rider you have to move the legs of the horse and the horse does not move you. In the stable, during brushing, but rather as you pick up the horse from the pasture, it begins. That is the base of riding horses.
The horse mirrors the rider, a truth like no other. Where the horse is blamed (beating with a whip) is the rider the error and I mean really they are thinking wrong. The rider gets on with the wrong attitude and the horse follows the match. One problem that I want to solve the rider deliberately should learn during the ground work (working from the ground) being aware of his or her attitude towards the horse.

Groundwork in the raw picture
Natural attitude of the horse and the man/ woman
Guiding a horse or pony
Knowledge of maintenance of the saddle and bridle
Brushing and saddling
Riding bareback

You have probably heard the phrase "Holistic Horsemanship" before. But did you ever stop to think about what this really means? Holistic Horsemanship goes way beyond learning a few techniques or trying to force the same step-by-step method on every horse you meet.    It's a total mindset. It is the very way you interact and communicate, not just in training, but in every moment you spend with your horse. It is the desire to build a trust-based partnership with the horse, and fluency not only in their language, but an intimate understanding of their psychology, biology, herd dynamics, and much more. The foundation of it begins with an understanding of not only the techniques of natural horsemanship, but becoming fluent in the Language of horses or ponies. In this hectic and messed up world we have loads of trouble and many things on your mind. You lost a battle and partly yourself and now you will enter the world of the horse, a world that a few horsemen and women truly know.   1: Connection & Communication In this first period we'll cover many of the nuances of the Language of horses, the grammar of which is rich in the use of body language, and the detection and direction of energy. Understanding and mastering of this on your own will set your skills above those of the average horse trainer or enthusiast. It is one of the skills exhibited by Horse Whisperers which makes what they do appear to be magical. 2: Becoming Fluent in the Language of the horse In this second period, the obstacle course at liberty, in-hand, and even while riding how to perfect use of your energy, telepathy, and body language to build not only your confidence, but the horse's as well. It also covers the use of the obstacle course liberty training to build the trust-based partnership you've always wanted with your horse and how to avoid behavioral issues with trust-building exercises. 3: Positive Reinforcement and the Proper Use of Reward In period three, They should teach you how to identify what motivates the horse you're working with and how to use that to bring out the very best in the both of you.It should cover the proper use of food as reward, and under what circumstances you may want to consider using it. 4: Solving Behavioral Problems Compassionately During this 4th period, Find out about some very common problem behaviors you may currently be working with, or if you're around horses for any length of time, you will be confronted by things like: Biting, striking, boxing, trailer loading problems, and evasions while riding, are just a few of the problems covered. 5: The Horse as Your Personal Self-Help Guru In this 5th period, we'll cover how important the use of your mind and making a true connection with the horse on not only a mental but spiritual level is to successful "Horse Whispering". You will see how, in building a trust-based partnership with your horse, you may in fact be looking straight into a mirror, polishing your own rough edges, and in the process, enriching your life and other relationships.here we can discuss the use of the mind, telepathic communication with the horse, and the use of energy in holistic horsemanship. 6: Holistic Horsemanship From the Ground to the Withers In this final period You become a real horseman and it ties everything together to show you how you can apply the principles of holistic horsemanship in the saddle. Are you aware exactly how sensitive your horse is, and how they can feel your energy, your moods, and your intent while you're on their back? Do you have an understanding of how the horse can become an extension of your body and mind, and how this connection will improve when you ride using your intuition? You will find out that if you set aside time you can answer some of the most common questions about Horse Whispering and Holistic Horsemanship yourself. When you learn and commit to master these principles and skills, you will improve not only your horse's life but the lives of every horse with which you come in contact The Old Sailor,

Once I was overrun by love

Dear Bloggers,

Every one knows that Valentine’s Day is the day that everyone declares their love for that special person in their life. Receiving flowers from the person who has won your heart on this day is always special, and when a girl receives an amazing bouquet of red roses on Valentines Day she’s riding high for the rest of the day.  It’s great to make someone feel that happy.

The feeling of being in love is the best. When you meet someone and have that instant spark. You hit it off right from the start and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. When hours of being together feel like minutes. When you can get an hour of sleep and still feel high on life the next day. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty when we feel like you’ve met “the one” (finally!). You start fantasizing about the future and are convinced that the other person is on the same page you are. And you should tell her about this roller coaster of feelings but your bloody brains are blocking. And no I am not a shy guy and yes she is still a real friend.

And then it ended for several years, I was a real ass and yes she stopped being my friend. It broke my heart and I was devastated. As always my life continued and in the years that passed I met my lovely wife. Yes we are together for many years and our love is still going strong. Although I have many things on my mind I am thinking back about these wonderful times of my youth.

And I was not only heartbroken, but shocked because it seemed so right and I wouldn’t understand what went wrong. Contrary to what romantic comedies may have us believe, this is actually fairly common and not necessarily a bad thing. I know that is not comforting if you are in the pain of a break-up, but stay with me because understanding why the one you thought was going to be forever ended may offer you some relief.

What I have seen in my own surroundings over and over again is that they met someone who has all the qualities that they have dreamed about, and they are so happy when they are with that person. And then the relationship ends often in a very abrupt and harsh way or because of uncontrollable or unchangeable circumstances. It almost feels like the person is literally being taken away. Well they kind of are, and for a good reason, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Why does a relationship that seemed to feel so right end?  So that you can truly see what is so amazingly “right” about yourself.

I’ll try to explain this…

Just as people are here to teach us where we have judgments and unresolved issues, they are also here to illuminate what is so amazing about ourselves that we are not acknowledging, owning and experiencing. If you have been with someone you thought was the one, you probably found certain qualities about him or her incredibly attractive.  You also may have said, “She brought out the best in me!” Exactly. She did bring out the best of you, but it’s your job to keep it going. They fulfilled their spiritual agreement with you by attracting you with their awesome qualities to reflect to you what you are not seeing about yourself. And by triggering the best inside of you so you could have the experience of your awesomeness. But it wasn’t their job to stay.

When she was around I felt beautiful and confident. I consistently told her that and did things that made her feel happy. And then all of a sudden she had a boyfriend, Inside I was a wreck and my wounded heart was burning of jealousy and I couldn’t tell her. She loved him so much and treated him with love, respect and kindness. Now that he is gone, her confidence has plummeted and she is desperately attempting to figure out what she did wrong. In the same period I was a ….. and she told me to take a hike.

She did not do anything wrong (and neither did I if I can relate to any part of her story). Sometimes the real life sometimes “reassigns” a person to support you in fully integrating what they were reflecting and/or catalyzing inside of you. And to protect you from a dependent relationship. For example, if you were really attracted to their creativity or drive, one of their gifts to you was to inspire you to reconnect with your creativity or drive. Or as in my case, before this friendship I never felt beautiful and I had very little confidence in the fact that a girl could love me for what I was.  My ex girlfriend made a gap in my brain that I had been just another empty boyfriend for nearly half a years time. In order for her to fully step on my heart and break it into thousands of pieces.

We cannot see in another what we don’t have inside ourselves. If you feel like the person brought out a quality of yours like creativity, you are incorrect. They merely triggered what has been always inside of you. No one else can make us anything that we aren’t already. If the person was still there, you would not be as motivated to be the things you miss about them or the version of you that you were with them.

Remember no one is the “one” because everyone is the one. Every single person you have a relationship with (and I don’t just mean romantically) is a soul mate because they are teaching your soul lessons. We all are mirrors and teachers for each other to learn our life’s program.

I understand that nothing feels quite as devastating as not being able to be with the one you thought was the “one.” But this is just short-term devastation. What would be devastating long-term is never truly integrating the amazing qualities you saw or experienced with or in that other person.

The purpose of any relationship is for our learning and to grow into love, both for another and for ourselves. It is not necessarily that you have to be together forever, although it makes us happy, or it fulfills emptiness in our lives. I encourage you to move through the pain and get to the purpose of your relationship.  Begin to see how it served you.

You can only bring out the best in you.  It’s there believe me and stop looking for it in the eyes or arms of another. And when you bring out the best in yourself then you will be able to share it with someone who brings out the best in themselves, too. No more wondering if someone else is the “one”.

You are the one you have been looking for.

The Old Sailor,

PTSD is often a life sentence

Dear Bloggers,

PTSD is often a life sentence

Where are the therapies, the support, the compassion for those dealing with trauma?

Victims suffering from post traumatic stress injuries are not only members of the police or armed forces. Victims can be anyone; man, woman or child. Most of them struggle every day with their trauma. Many women who have suffered rape and other forms of abuse, suffer further from treatment from the courts. Interestingly, they are said to have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) while soldiers are said to have post traumatic stress injuries. 

Post traumatic stress disorder is a wrong name. It is an injury. Disorder suggests the victim is somehow responsible for not functioning normally. PTSD victims are frightened and powerless but not responsible for their injuries. Many (sexual) assault victims suffer from PTSD and seemingly insignificant incidents can trigger panic attacks and create difficulty in functioning. When someone with PTSD commits suicide it is because they can no longer cope with their injuries. Unable to receive satisfactory treatment they take the only way they see out of their suffering.

We like to make others believe that we treat everyone the same. We don't. In my own surroundings I did a bit of survey about 49 per cent said they would socialize with a person who they would call in their normal life a friend with a mental health issue. Only question is did all the respondents gave honest answers? About 51 per cent of people around us would avoid “friends” with PTSD.

Trying to have a normal loving relationship with any man is nearly impossible. Innocent of any wrong, they suffer for the rest of their lives. And even you have been together for many years they simply cannot trust you fully anymore.

People cannot gauge the victim's suffering. Even some doctors have difficulty dealing with patients with PTSD and only offer prescription drugs as a cure. Instead of being supportive, we compound their injuries.

Talking about the trauma may be an attempt by victims to heal, to be accepted back into society. They turn to friends and family for help, but all too often the emotional impact of the trauma isn't understood and victims retreat into their shell for self protection.

A simple incident, a voice, a word, a car, anything, can bring on flashbacks and trigger the victim into a panic. Days and nights are filled with nightmares, lack of sleep, sweats, and rage. The stigma attached to victims often prevents many from seeking help until it is too late and there is little or no chance of recovery.

Most serious is the risk of suicide. When every waking moment is spent feeling rejected and alone, in fear and exaggerated alertness, ready to run in an instant, thoughts turn to suicide as the only way to find peace. This is most of the times in the first phase of the traumatized person.

Unable to work, some eventually receive some social assistance, but it's seldom enough for them to live comfortably. Reduced to below-poverty existence and forgotten, these once-productive citizens become a troubled group in society.

Recently, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) a relatively new treatment has shown some promise. But where does a victim get this help? Only a few specialized psychologists and a couple of psychiatrists are registered with EMDR

Many victims, are losing their job and after two years of sick pay they will get unemployed and they are struggling to live on disability allowance. Instead of having a social life, they continue suffering, unable to contribute in any positive way to their own care, they depend on the care of their children or their families.

Where is the equal treatment for PTSD victims? Lucky us our insurance gives us kind of free health care? We cry out against human rights abuses in other countries but deprive our victims of their right to proper health care, to a life without fear, to security of their person? It's time we helped these innocent victims instead of adding to their abuse.

Traumatic life-threatening events often leave emotional scars, which, like physical scars, remain with an individual for the rest of their lives

I’m so tired of having PTSD…in fact I am so tired of forgetting for a moment that I have it only to have it come back and smack me in the face. That is what my wife tells me after a period of making a step back. I hate acknowledging it’s presence because then I have to accept that it is never going away and that's though as a spouse.

No matter how hard she tries, no matter how much work she does, PTSD will always be there. On some level I know it is about managing symptoms but tonight is a not to good one and I just wish it would go away.

She complained the other day to her therapist: I am so afraid of silly things and I am jumping at the slightest touch from my partner. I am not sleeping during the night and I am walking around the house. Either way if I sleep or walkabout, I wake up exhausted. I’m eating everything in sight that contains sugar and I am quickly rebuilding that wall that exists between me and the rest of the world. I want to return to old ways of coping…anything to feel comfortable in my skin. My partner is very patient but I am tired of him needing to be. I am tired of working so hard to do the right thing to only end up needing his help and support.

Luckily the racing thoughts are not back as full force as they once were and I am still able to outrun them by a bit. I am tired of living each day wondering is today the day I wont be able to manage the symptoms. Is today the day I have the meltdown that let’s the whole world know about my struggles with PTSD?

She does sometimes get to a point where life is good and she feels strong and in control of her symptoms. Today is not one of those days. I do understand that the PTSD is the result of managers abuse that I endured for 3 years. I also understand that the psychological abuse was not my fault. And in this case I could not see what was happening and even though I advised her to knock on some persons doors, none of them stopped the abuse as nobody did stop the psychological abuse he was such a “good guy” he had a free hand. What I don’t understand is why it came with a life sentence.

I think PTSD is different for everyone who experiences it. All the emotions that accompanied the original trauma were as fresh as the day you experience them. The worst part of PTSD for my wife are the nightmares, the hyper-vigilance, the adrenalin rush and the stress of always being focused on my surroundings. PTSD is, more than anything, an in-your-face realization of your own mortal nature and of the fragility of life itself. Headaches, fatigue, discomfort in places where there are large numbers of people (7-10 and up), fully hit by panic attacks, anxiety disorders, emotional numbing and inability to have close relationships can be a problem as well.

Typical phrase from my wife: "Therapy, re framing, EMDR, and a variety of techniques have worked well for me, but I admit, there are many days it is just a relief not to have to leave the house."

The Old Sailor,

when falling in love is a strange part of life

Dear Bloggers,

In my younger years I haven't been the greatest Casanova. I was not a very quiet person and I can be funny sometimes but as soon it came to the feelings thing something made me insecure and yes I spoke my mind and not always in the best way. Some moments I was pretty drunk and other moments I could be shy or absolutely not being focused on the signals. Somehow I managed to miss out a lot of these occasions and yes some them were really pretty. Anyway I ended up in a couple of relationships and with all these girls I was absolutely serious. I simply could not stop that particular loving feeling and my whole world got different on those moments. It feels like your brain is spinning and I could not get enough of it.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you got your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else loving you. You worry about your ex girlfriend finding love before you do, and of course they did. You worried about the fact that you will end up being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well again at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart into a million peaces. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and awareness. “My ex never liked fast food. Why the hell does this one eat so much fries and burgers?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very shocking. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and make you feel the need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions. Otherwise you might do somethings wrong and get lost in a frustrating swamp of emotional trouble.

The second or even a third time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a truckload of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? What is happening to my brain it's getting totally into the mixed up mode again. I think it starts with us having a moment together in some pub or cafe having a coffee or tea, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a horse though. You never really forget.

This second time you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. These bloody hormones are gearing up in your body and the butterflies in your stomach are untamable.
By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a comeback at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after a while. At least that is what you're hoping for. 

At the third time you should be a trained professional and your heart has some scars from former loves and you are wearing the medals of this battlefield called love. When you fall in love with someone, you will learn on the way and with a second or third lover you hopefully have better sex. This is pure my opinion so do not pin me down on this.

Anyway no matter if it is the first, second or third one that you fall in love with someone it will still be exciting and new, you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. At a certain moment it will start feeling more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making a cup of tea for each other in the morning and giving her breakfast in bed as it feels like something romantic. maybe even getting a place of our own with a dog and some cats. 

This is how you start of making a happy family home. I got settled with the fourth person I fell in love with, the other three left me with a broken heart and mixed feelings about if it would be all worth it, because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would never have stayed with me as she never ever really fell in love with me.

The fourth time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The third time can involve some amazing love. And the fourth time is still going strong for already twenty three years in a row. It is the best one I ever had and I am still in love the flame is still burning.

The Old Sailor,