Why did I become more emotional and cry more as I get older?

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have noticed that as I have aged (now 56), I cry so much more easily than I did when I was younger. I wonder why this is, as in my teenage years, not to mention my twenties, I could watch the most depressing programs, and although I cared, I was rarely inclined to break down in tears.

As a child, I would watch the Lassie films, and yes, I did cry to those, (especially "Lassie Come Home"), but apart from that, and the normal things children cry over, such as falling over and cutting open their knees, or getting in trouble with my Mum, I seldom cried at all. It was only when I hit my fifties I suddenly seemed to undergo some kind of metamorphosis, and now I can easily end up in floods of tears over a sad movie, or a murder case on Forensic Detectives. Does this mean I am losing the plot, or is this normal?

These days I can cry over the silliest things, such as watching an episode of "Undercover Boss", (where the Ceo of a company goes undercover in a part of his company to find out what is going on on the work floor, Where he finds good employees, that have their heartbreaking life stories and at the end of a week or so, he or she will reveal who he or she is and donates sometimes large sums of money or a family holiday to the stories he or she felt the most deserving of his or her help).

I break down in tears over people dying in a great movie for Christ's sake, yet this is not logical when I know it is only an actor, who undergoes a rapid recovery as soon as the cameras are switched off.

Even watching programs such as "Extreme Makeover Home Edition", can leave me in the right state, as I feel so touched by the people who put in the money, time, and effort to build these people a new home that is far nicer than any home most of us could hope for.

Does this mean something is wrong with me? If so, what? I mean, this never used to happen to me, I’ve always been that tough guy who wasn’t able to show the outside world his emotional side, but now I seem to have suddenly become a changed person, and I don't even mind the fact I cry so easily, as to me it shows I have compassion and care about others, The first time that I broke up was when a young girlfriend all of sudden was ripped out of our lives. I had never known emotions like this before and it was unfair to me and the rest of the world. When my parents passed away there were some tears but not that many somehow I became numb to this kind of thing. My so-called military brain was not allowing it to have any feelings. (not to say I didn't before, but now it makes me break down in tears in a way I never felt the need to before).

Hell, I even cry over seeing mistreated, starved dogs being brought back to health and being re-homed in programs like "The Dog Whisperer" with Ceasar Milan.

I can cry over "The X Factor" when I hear the story of someone who has suffered such great hardship in their lives and is also a fantastic singer, and now is their chance to make something of themselves. When they get through I feel their emotion as if it were my own, and so want them to do well in the following rounds.

If someone shows me kindness or empathizes with a situation I am in, like the situation I am in with the Dutch Tax Office as they f**ked up my family's lives by doing us wrong and left us broke, I end up tearful. If I see someone else lose a loved one I cry. If I even contemplate the ultimate death of my currently living friends, I can break down and cry. Even if I know that there is no future left to live. It is still something sad when you remember the good old days out at sea.

So is it something about getting older, and if so, what, hormones? Seen too much? Learned living the hard way? I don't know the answer, but I think I like myself better for being this way as it proves to me I do have feelings that matter and that I care for everyone and everything.

The Old Sailor,

 

Gloominess

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have been working late the past few weeks and it is slowly but surely breaking me. Yes, I know, I am getting older and nothing in my life is going smoothly anymore. I curse at everyone because I have become extremely tired and this is a side of myself that I know less about. In the years that I sailed I was also tired, the long days at sea are the most normal thing in the world. And yes, the salary made up for a lot. The fourteen days off also helped me to recharge for the next shift. I have been in public transport since 2010 and as a driver you encounter more and more crazy situations and the fact that a number of colleagues have gone to work elsewhere in the country does not really help. The flu epidemic is also making a lot of victims and the new generation thinks very differently about work and would rather not do it anymore. Because of all the things that go wrong, such as not delivering equipment or delivering it too late and the failure of new vehicles that in my opinion had to be built too quickly, there are a lot of negative reactions from passengers.Yet I can’t do anything about it and staying positive is an art in itself.

 

There is a word for that dull feeling with which I drag myself through the day: boredom. The things that need to be done, and there aren’t that many, I can do right away or postpone. Should I put the breakfast things in the dishwasher now or later? Should I watch the news now or should I save it for dessert after vacuuming? Besides, why would I vacuum? I did that yesterday, didn’t I? Or was it the day before yesterday? Everything can be done later, or this afternoon, or tomorrow, or not at all for that matter. First, coffee then. I sit at the kitchen table with a warm cup between my hands and look at the garden, which looks just as bleak as I feel. Boredom doesn’t suit me, I almost always have something to do. If I don’t have anything practical to do, I retreat with a book, nice and comfy in my lazy chair. How is it possible that that chair and that exciting book suddenly have no appeal anymore? I feel restless and lethargic at the same time. There is a word for that too, and I have felt that way before, when I was out of work for a while: useless. Keeping the house in order is a piece of cake without the care of children and pets.

 

Especially if, like me, you have no eye for dust. “Couldn’t you find the dust cloths?” Trientsje asked last week, while she wrote her name on the television cabinet with her index finger. “You know where they are, don’t you?”, I had snapped at her indignantly. Now I would have all the time in the world to dust the house from top to bottom. Today, tomorrow, every day from now on. The only thing is that I don’t feel like it at all. I get up, pour my cup full of coffee again, and try not to think about the dozens of cups that I used to fill every day until recently. And then suddenly the phone rings, I startle out of my daze of gloom and pick up. The number seems familiar to me somehow. Afterwards I just daydream about the long-gone times when I was at sea and yes, despite everything, I still enjoy what I do every day. I try to imagine how such a phone call would go?

 

“If you think I’m calling you because we can’t live without you, you better push me away right now!” I blink. I recognize her voice out of thousands. Am I just talking to my old boss on the phone? We’ve had a kind of love-hate relationship for years, but in a humorous way. “Did you hear what I said?” The voice on the other end again. No, I’m not mistaken. The woman who had to send me packing a few years ago because of a financial crisis in 2009 is calling me now. “Say something,” she says. “I have no idea what to say,” I answer. There’s a moment of silence. Then she continues: “You could say that you miss us........ Aren’t you terribly bored now that you’re on the bus? Or have you already looked for another job?” “No,” I say. “And now I have to figure out what question my ‘no’ is for?” Doubt strikes in my head. I don't miss the uncertainty, but I still miss the turbulent water. When it storms, I still long for the wild sea and I also cherish the somewhat scarier moments in my memory. "No," I answer again. I hear her sigh on the other side. "Okay, Jacob, the point is: we do miss you. So would you like to put on your coat and pack your bag now? Uh... please? It's quite busy and yes, we miss your cheerful and positive approach." I sink into a chair, my mobile still against my ear. "Are you still there?" I hear the impatience in her voice. "Yes," I say, "and what's more, I'm staying here too." I'm ready to spend the rest of my days on shore. Doing my rounds on the bus and being home every day also has its charm. My love for seafaring has cooled somewhat over the years and there is still a bit of 'brackish' water running through my veins. I like it here and I am still an old sailor but returning to the 'moving floor' those days are behind me.

 

The phone really rings our youngest daughter calls that her bus has not been showing up but the next one is already on its way so I don't have to come and get her anymore. Long live public transport.

The Old Sailor,

 

 

 

When Trauma takes over your Brain

Dear Bloggers,

First of all let me begin I wish you a happy 2025.

New Year's Eve hasn't been much of a celebration for me for more than a decade now, because my partner has severe problems dealing with fireworks and this usually degenerates into a trip in the car to escape the light and noise. At some point it becomes too intense and we flee the village where we live.

The high screeching of some fireworks causes anxiety and panic attacks because the brain can no longer process it. So I can't take stitches by having a drink for example. And no don't get me wrong we also enjoy the beautiful colors of ornamental fireworks. And even though my spouse's brain gets overstimulated she too finds it beautiful to watch. We try to enjoy it every year by watching it and hoping it will go well this year.

Trauma, something that can be caused in an instant and with all its consequences. Trauma can be life-changing. But what exactly is this? What are its consequences and how does it relate to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? In this article you will read what trauma means, the similarities and differences with PTSD and how trauma-related symptoms can be seen in relation to PTSD.

Trauma

The word “trauma” is often used to indicate that someone has experienced an event that has not yet been properly processed, causing someone to suffer from it in everyday life. Sometimes it is a single event, such as a fire, accident, death, rape or robbery. This is called single trauma. When there has been a series of traumatic events (for example, sexual abuse, assault, bullying, medical procedures) it is called multiple trauma.

A traumatic event can cause intense symptoms. Often the memory forces itself on you, while you are trying so hard not to think about it. This can take the form of nightmares or re-experiences, among other things. The memory brings intense anxiety and stress, which makes you try to avoid anything that might bring that memory back to the surface. Continuously elevated stress levels make you irritable, overly alert or startle easily. You have many complex thoughts and you no longer enjoy the things you used to enjoy. Because everywhere, someone is lurking on you who wants to harm you. Recurrent and intrusive memories, startle reactions, avoidance and intense emotions after a traumatic event are appropriate for post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

PTSD or Autism

Autism and PTSD are two completely different things, but there are several similarities in their manifestation. This makes there a risk of misdiagnosis (for example, PTSD instead of autism, or vice versa) or missing one of the diagnoses even though both are present.

One well-known commonality is stimulus sensitivity. Both people with autism and people with PTSD are extra sensitive to stimuli. Fear of loud noises or finding physical touch unpleasant are well-known hypersensitivities that occur frequently in both diagnoses.

Other similarities include rigidity and social withdrawal. Also, symptoms such as sleep problems, gloominess and anxiety are common in both diagnoses.

Some of the difference is in the nature of the symptoms. For example, sensitivity to stimuli in PTSD is often linked to stimuli reminiscent of the trauma, whereas in autism there is a more general sensitivity to stimuli. Another example is that sleep problems in autism are more likely to arise from overstimulation, difficulty with transition or a lack of structure, and in PTSD it is mainly from nightmares or fears. It is therefore incredibly important in diagnosis to look beyond the symptoms and have an eye for underlying processes.

Another difference can be seen in the duration of the symptoms. With autism we assume that it is congenital and symptoms can therefore already be seen in (early) childhood. PTSD you can develop at any time in your life, so a clear difference can usually be seen in functioning before and after the traumatic event. Unfortunately, there are also those who experienced (multiple) trauma in early childhood, making this difference more difficult to discern. Again, a careful diagnostic process is in order

All your knowledge and memories with associated thoughts and feelings, are stored in so called drawers and your brain is a kind of chest of drawers. You can compare this to your computer: all your documents and images with information are stored in folders, so they don't disappear as soon as you close it.

When you need information from a folder, this folder opens in your brain. For example: you are at work. The “work” folder is then open because you need this knowledge to do your job. Ideally, this folder closes when you go home again. But if you are still mulling over your work, for example, the folder remains open. Or you talk about what you did that day at home, which also requires the folder to be opened again.

What we often see with autism is that a folder remains open when associated things are not clear, logical or unfinished. You keep having thoughts about the subject and it is not easy to let it go (i.e. close the folder).

Thus, a drawer in your head may also remain open that has to do with a loss or a drastic event. As a result, you keep thinking about it. You may also be experiencing the feelings you had during the loss or major event over and over again.

Because the folder remains open, you may experience symptoms appropriate to stalled grief or PTSD. The difference between open folders and stagnant grief or PTSD is that the core problem is not the disturbed processing, but the inability to puzzle all the pieces of information into a logical and meaningful whole.

 

Wrong links

During the processing of stimuli in your brain, information that belongs together is categorized and transported together. However, it can happen that pieces of information are transported further together when they don't actually belong together. This is what I call a wrong document in the wrong drawer, and this makes retrieval a lot more difficult. There is a piece of information missing for the linking together.

 A simple example of this is not eating food that once made you feel sick. Suppose you ate fish one evening, after which you became ill that same evening-a severe allergic reaction in my case. Your brain can then link the piece of information about eating fish in general to the piece of information about getting sick. The result is that every time you think about eating fish, say because someone suggests going to a seafood restaurant, that linkage pops up. You probably won't get another bite down your throat because you're afraid it will make you sick again. And even though rationally you may know that that need not be the case (because possibly you happened to have bad or the wrong fish that night, which says nothing about all the other kinds of fish, or the getting sick had nothing to do with it and it was coincidental that it followed each other), I no longer get nauseous at the idea of eating fish. Just having it researched what you can and cannot eat and then that does feel like truth.

Everyone's brain makes these mismatches from time to time, including the brains of neurotypical people. However, the likelihood of a mismatch in autism is higher, because in the autistic brain information comes in fragmented (i.e. in separate pieces a kind of dustpan and brush effect. All the pieces are there but in a shattered order).

Now the link between a specific type of food and getting sick is not a world catastrophe, but it can just happen to create a link that has much bigger implications for your daily life. An example: during an evening walk, fireworks were set off. In your startle reaction you heard a high whistling sound which gave you even more panic also the flashes of light all around gave excessive excitement and as soon as you hear a bang you want to crawl away. Since then you feel intense fear when you hear bangs outside or if someone just after New Year's Eve someone sets off a piece of fireworks.

So a mismatch can come up when confronting some of the information (that could be seen as a trigger, reasoned from PTSD), with the accompanying conclusion, which can include intense and negative emotions. As a result, mismatch is very similar to a trauma-related disorder. For that matter, it can also be very similar to an anxiety disorder. Again, the difference here lies in the core of the problem: It is not about the disrupted processing (or about fear thoughts after conditioning, if we take a side trip to anxiety disorders), but about information stored in the brain as a mismatch. Thereby, in the case of mismatch, other PTSD symptoms are not present.

Do you recognize yourself in the above article? Then do not hesitate to seek help. For this you can contact your family doctor.

“We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names.” {qoute by Nikita Gill} 

The Old Sailor,