The ways expectation can sabotage your peace of mind

Dear Bloggers,

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling disappointed or angry because things haven’t worked out as you had expected? Maybe you recently expected your partner to do something and are annoyed that she didn’t do it. Perhaps you formed an expectation of achieving a life goal by this stage of your life and are feeling frustrated that things haven’t worked out as you planned. 

Expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.” We may place expectations on others or impose them on ourselves. You may find yourself making rules for yourself, starting with “I should…” - this is a clue that you have set an expectation for yourself. I set some life goals for myself in my early years that at the age of 65, I would be able to retire and would live free, as our home was paid for and there was nothing to worry about. The question is whether this expectation was healthy and realistic, or unhealthy and maybe even irrational. It became strange as the tax office took everything away from us. As they claimed all our money so I could not pay of our mortgage. When other people place expectations upon you and you do not meet them, you might find yourself feeling guilty. At certain points you thik that you are just a loser. It doesn’t surprise me that some became suicidal.

 

The expectations we make as humans are future-based predications of an outcome. This is flawed, as we cannot ever predict the future. Furthermore, we may consult the past and gather evidence of events that happened previously to inform our future expectations. Just because something happened a certain way before, doesn’t mean that’s how it will turn out this time around. This can be disappointing at best and life debilitating at worst; as mental health disorders such as anxiety, phobias and panic disorder can be defined as expectation disorders.

 

Most of your expectations will be formed from your own values, perspective or frame of reference. For example, you might feel disappointment after having expected to be given a leaving card by colleagues, because you have always arranged leaving cards for colleagues in the past. However, you did this from your valuing system - your colleagues might not value giving cards. If you judge the actions of others and form expectations based on what you would have done, you may regularly end up disappointed.

 

There is a way forward from this

The good news is, once you understand how your expectations are impacting your life, this gives you the power to adjust them if necessary. The first thing to do is spend some time reflecting on your expectations during past adverse events, in your relationships and life goals. This is a healthy way to use the past to inform your awareness, rather than to make predictions or underpin fears. Journaling is a useful self-reflection tool, or you could make mind maps or notes on your phone - find something that works for you.

Once you have identified your expectations and how they have informed past outcomes, you might recognise some patterns. When you become aware of patterns, you have the power to break them. It is pretty hard to break out of it sometimes.

To help inspire your reflections, let us consider some examples of how expectations can negatively impact different areas of your life:

In marriage/relationships

My wife is feeling angry and resentful. She cooks dinner every day and I, her partner, never offers to wash up. When my wife was growing up, if one parent cooked, the other washed up. Her silent resentment of me getting to sit down while she’s still in the kitchen, builds and she starts being snappy with him. I had no idea what I have done wrong or what her ‘problem is’. Now I know it’s me. Her expectation that I should wash up as that was formed by her past experiences. Her resentment is building because he is not acting in the way which she expects, but she has not communicated this expectation to me. I am just a simple man.

Here communication and explanation of her feelings of resentment could result in a change in my behaviour. If she continues keeping quiet, things will stay the same and her resentment will remain. It comes to escalation.

 

When i was about to turn 40. I always expected to be settled with a family and our own house by this stage in life. Instead I had to sell our house and buy something lived out and a lot smaller. And I find myself stuck in a lifetime with no prospects, after all those years being haunted by the tax office, I still have a little motivation to change it. For years I have not been aware that this is the reason for all our sadness. As the law suit against the tax office approaches, My mood dips lower and Iam still feeling hopeless about the future. To numb and escape from this feeling, I have started to join Facebook groups with fellow victims of this scandal.

Here I could benefit from working with a therapist to reflect on his low mood and hopefully realise that not meeting his expected goals by this point in his life, may be responsible for his low moods.

I am likely to have more enthusiasm to make the first steps to changing my life. Reframing my thoughts around the expectations I had, it will hopefully help me to realise he is not a failure. Feeling like a failure is often at the root of low self-esteem and low self-worth.

I have had many friends but due to the survival mode, I’ve lost many of them out of sight. There was no money to spend to arrange something; without communicating this to the rest of the world. We just stayed away from a birthday and all kinds of other parties as we could not afford anything. Furthermore, I was laid off at work, so I had to find a new job having no money for whatsoever even getting food on the table was a hassle, feeling let down by most of our friends. Some of them dropped off a box of groceries. Others never came by. Our kids helped providing food with their jobs and pocket money.

All of this could have been avoided if the Tax office had communicated with us about wat their intentions were. Instead, they made an assumption and set expectations based upon past salaries, when they decided to take everything from us, even our dignity. Furthermore, if they had spoken to us, it would’ve provided opportunity for us to explain how things were. That I worked under certain systems taxwise for a Danisch company. We could’ve made other plans and negosiations based upon this information. These examples show how important communication is in the real world the same goes for relationships and friendships. You cannot place expectations upon somebody, without even communicating this to the person. Although in the army there was only basic orders and low communication, only if something really happened you could ask them for help. It doesn’t matter how well you believe they know you, it doesn’t mean they can read your mind or pre-empt your expectations.

Similarly, it’s important to spend time reflecting on the expectations you have set for yourself. These may be from an internalised critical parent or authority figure from your own past; ask yourself is that “I should” your voice or somebody else's? Do you really expect this from yourself, or does somebody else? Perfectionism is underpinned by a fear of failure and can be so debilitating that a person can get into patterns of avoidance and procrastination; preferring to avoid, than risk getting it ‘wrong’ from their perspective.

Are all expectations unhealthy?

So far expectation has got a bad name in this blog, but not all expectations are unhealthy. Some are necessary and form boundaries in our relationships. For example, expecting your partner to remain faithful to you in a committed relationship is a healthy expectation.

Setting expectations in relationships and friendships collaboratively is a healthy way to ensure misunderstandings and resentment are less likely to occur.

Setting life goals can be motivating and end up as positive outcomes, but the way you react if you do not meet these life goals could be detrimental. Don’t aim to high and set your goals as possible ones and approach them with an attitude of patience. Be kind to yourself and flexible rather than fixed on a certain outcome by a certain time. Sometimes things don’t work out as you might’ve planned or expected, it can turn out to be the best thing.

It’s okay to hope that things will work out the way you would like and having future plans. Hoping is not the same as expecting.

If you have a painful life expectation that has not worked out, please seek the help of a therapist to work through this and grieve for your loss. Your feelings are still valid, even if you had set an unhealthy expectation, and you deserve space to work through them.

Understanding how ‘expectation’ can impact your peace of mind.

The Old Sailor,

  

Not everyone is getting old

Dear Bloggers,

I’ve done a steady stream of things in life after not being the nicest bloke during my schooldays, I was called by the government to fulfill my Army time at the engineers after that I was assigned to a group that was helping special forces to set people free as they needed our help. After my time was due I started working in the hotel service business during the summerseason, during the wintertime I worked in several factories, After a few years I started sailing with ups and downs down ther I found my life usefull and I was earning a bit of money to built a bit of pension for my old days, and we got married and started our adult life having two lovely daughters. It’s been exciting, frustrating, fun, exhausting, and deeply fulfilling. I am now at the age going towards my pension although in at least 15 years it should be there. But as we all know that life can stop at any moment it is not a choice were having.

At this very moment im at the end of it all, I feel empty. Drained. In need of quiet, rest, and reflection. When I realized I didn’t have the time or the energy to write a new post this month and also last month, I waded through some of the hundreds of posts I’ve written over the last six years. Then today I walked the dogs, I past the cemetry and went there to visit my late parents grave All of a sudden it spoke to me, maybe because the thought of lying down for a long time sounds very appealing right now. I hope it helps you take another step toward becoming myself

I love cemeteries. That might sound odd, even morbid. I’m not insensitive to the memories of pain and loss that they hold for so many. I deeply respect that. But to me, they are special places that nurture my personal development in ways few others do. I have lost quite a few during the years and not all of them were old. Some were in the bloom of there lives and loved living it.

Cemeteries invite quiet reflection. They encourage me to slow down, to ponder, to contemplate. What do I want my life to be about? How do I want to be remembered? There are many questions running around my brain as i realise that there will be one day that it will all end. Cemetries have an atmosphere of reverence and respect, rare qualities in a time often marked by mockery and disunity A stroll through a cemetery reminds me of what I believe is important: Relationships. Character. Purpose. Lust for life.

I love how my perspective is sharpened by reading tombstones. I’m reminded that all of these people were once like me. And most of them here I have known in my earlier years. That one day a grave marker will have my name. Soon after, I’ll probably be remembered only by loved ones and then, over time, by no one at all. It is a strange process of realizing that you are just one of them that will be fogotten after several years. Reading those names reminds me that life is a breath, and I am small. I’m not as important to the world as I sometimes think I am. That’s a healthy dose of modesty. As humans think life is preciuos althoug most of us are struggling to keep our heads up. Many of us are depressed or not being happy what they have achieved in their life.

Yet being in a cemetery also makes me feel cherished, prized, special. Not to a fame infatuated world but to One whom I believe made me, knows me, and desires me. I think of a cemetery as a transition point, a way station, a gate that leads from one season to the next. It’s a passageway connecting us from existence to another. The end of one journey and the start of a far greater adventure. Nobody knows for sure at least that is my way of thinking.

I could be wrong. Maybe death is the end. Perhaps nothing waits for me and everything that I am will be snuffed out like the flame of a candle. But I don’t think so. I have subjective reasons, things I’ve felt and heard and seen that point to something greater, something beyond this life. And there are more objective arguments that appeal to my rational mind as well. So for reasons of both the head and the heart, I believe and find hope.

So if you need some perspective on life, if the thought of some quiet reflection sounds like water for your thirsty soul, if you’re looking for a little hope, I encourage you to slip away for an hour. Stroll thoughtfully through a cemetery. If you do, you’ll take another step toward becoming You.

“Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.”

 

The Old Sailor,

  

New challenges

 Dear Bloggers,

First of all, I would like to apologise to my readers for not writing the last couple of times. I have been busy learning the new routes and transforming our bedroom as an exam for our youngest daughter, who is studying to become a stylist for homes and businesses. A large amount of work and putting in loads of new knowledge.

A couple of times a week, I drive the commuter bus as my full-time job in Lemmer. I just switched from Groningen and Drenthe, and now I am driving the buses in Fryslân province. Sometimes I drove a bus out here, but now I have to learn the new routes for me and know as much as possible. I like to drive around here, as this is like home to me; this is the part of the country where I grew up. I start by driving by car to the bus stand in the industry park in Lemmer, parking the car and logging in for duty and then starting up the bus that is on my duty sheet. The first trip takes about 5 minutes or a bit more, depending on where you start your part. I finish my commute bus ride by the next bus station, and sometimes you have to switch vehicles after the coffee break. Nothing is new to me in that way; only the vehicles are something I have to get used to.

By riding my second bus, which I pick up from the buffer place parked at the station, through the historic centre of Bolsward, one of the small cities in my province. (Fact: this is one of the eleven cities known by the ice skating tour.) Through the front and side windows, the scenery is beautiful: pancake flat, usually green, and dotted with rural farms. I have time to appreciate the passing images, and occasionally I think to snap a picture or two. Usually I don’t have my camera with me, so I use my phone. The bus windows can’t be opened and are varying degrees of dirty, which adds a slightly grey patina to the photos.

To me, it matches the weather: grey, more often than not. a rainy day somewhere between Lemmer and Leeuwarden. Notice that fields here are not defined by fences but rather by water-filled ditches. It occurred to me yesterday on my way home, as I gazed absently out the window of my car, that I’ve taken lots of pictures of these passing scenes, yet I’ve never shown them to anyone. I decided it was time to go ahead and show you some of them. As you can see, they’re not the highest quality because I used my phone’s camera, the window was dirty, and we don’t have that much time. Nevertheless, to me they have a certain atmosphere: a muted quality that matches my meditative mood as I am at the job.

It’s time to pause, a moment of suspension, and a time to think between two buses and a lot of new driving activity. I can tell you that I love it.

Speaking of bicycles, the photo below was taken at one of the stations along the way. (Another fact: there are more bicycles than people in our country, the Netherlands.)

The sun does occasionally shine, however, and on those days the mood on the bus is always more lively.

How do you get to work? What is your commute like? Do you see beauty along the way? 

Add a comment below!

Drive safely.

The Old Sailor,

 

 

 

Spring is on her way

 Dear Bloggers,

This morning I was taking the dogs out for their morning walk. Walking the paths that my father walked so many times and I think back to walks in gardens, admiring trees and flowers. And I remember the park with the tall trees. Recall hikes with colourful wildflowers. How about the scents of flowers at a nursery? Or fresh grass in your garden? Many of those things have gone as the village needed to grow and the tourist industries are income for many here.

What happens when you really start to look? You see new buds and growth, focusing on the good. You take it all in. You speak with love and joy for the beauty around you. You don't see ugly flowers. Instead, you want to shout out about their beauty.

 

We naturally love beauty. We cherish and protect it.

Spring reminds us of new life. New blooms appear. Growth happens all around us. Plants and trees bloom in their own time. They follow their natural cycles.

 

Like I said last year, spring is a good time to check in with yourself. Weeding out what stops you from being happy is key. It's a chance to refresh and fix things, to see if you're where you hoped to be.

Checking in helps us know the truth. We can then take charge of changes we need to make.

 

So, are you becoming friends with your true self? Are you blooming with your own beauty? Are you leading your life how you planned it? Does your home feel like the garden you love?

 

We should often ask ourselves if we're living our own way. Are we showing our full potential? We're like flowers and trees. We should use our gifts every day. We must cherish and nurture them to live on purpose.

Don't compare yourself or your loved ones to others. Don't dim a child's, friend's, or anyone's potential. Don't stop their bloom as you find your own. A flower doesn't worry about the flower next to it. A tree stands tall without concern.

 

We can all reach our potential. We can bloom without stopping others from blooming too.

Respect your own timing. Help others bloom, but don't force it. Be patient with yourself and others. Understand our own life cycles.

As spring unfolds, reflect on how we help each other grow. Think about our purpose and teamwork. How can we work better at home and at work? Let’s support each other. We all deserve to bloom.

 

Check in with yourself. Stop any gloom that stops you from blooming. Be your best self. Watch your actions and words. Don't put others down. Think of your garden. See how you want each flower to shine. We can all shine without dimming others. Imagine what we could do together if we all bloomed.

 

When we're true to ourselves, blooming is easy. Our lives have stories, like gardens and forests. Learn from your stories. Align with your bloom cycles. Don't let stories stop you. They can teach you to be brave, transform, and be yourself.

 

Let go of worries and let others be themselves. Connect with your dreams to bloom. This can help us reach our full potential together.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

 

 

Why did I become more emotional and cry more as I get older?

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have noticed that as I have aged (now 56), I cry so much more easily than I did when I was younger. I wonder why this is, as in my teenage years, not to mention my twenties, I could watch the most depressing programs, and although I cared, I was rarely inclined to break down in tears.

As a child, I would watch the Lassie films, and yes, I did cry to those, (especially "Lassie Come Home"), but apart from that, and the normal things children cry over, such as falling over and cutting open their knees, or getting in trouble with my Mum, I seldom cried at all. It was only when I hit my fifties I suddenly seemed to undergo some kind of metamorphosis, and now I can easily end up in floods of tears over a sad movie, or a murder case on Forensic Detectives. Does this mean I am losing the plot, or is this normal?

These days I can cry over the silliest things, such as watching an episode of "Undercover Boss", (where the Ceo of a company goes undercover in a part of his company to find out what is going on on the work floor, Where he finds good employees, that have their heartbreaking life stories and at the end of a week or so, he or she will reveal who he or she is and donates sometimes large sums of money or a family holiday to the stories he or she felt the most deserving of his or her help).

I break down in tears over people dying in a great movie for Christ's sake, yet this is not logical when I know it is only an actor, who undergoes a rapid recovery as soon as the cameras are switched off.

Even watching programs such as "Extreme Makeover Home Edition", can leave me in the right state, as I feel so touched by the people who put in the money, time, and effort to build these people a new home that is far nicer than any home most of us could hope for.

Does this mean something is wrong with me? If so, what? I mean, this never used to happen to me, I’ve always been that tough guy who wasn’t able to show the outside world his emotional side, but now I seem to have suddenly become a changed person, and I don't even mind the fact I cry so easily, as to me it shows I have compassion and care about others, The first time that I broke up was when a young girlfriend all of sudden was ripped out of our lives. I had never known emotions like this before and it was unfair to me and the rest of the world. When my parents passed away there were some tears but not that many somehow I became numb to this kind of thing. My so-called military brain was not allowing it to have any feelings. (not to say I didn't before, but now it makes me break down in tears in a way I never felt the need to before).

Hell, I even cry over seeing mistreated, starved dogs being brought back to health and being re-homed in programs like "The Dog Whisperer" with Ceasar Milan.

I can cry over "The X Factor" when I hear the story of someone who has suffered such great hardship in their lives and is also a fantastic singer, and now is their chance to make something of themselves. When they get through I feel their emotion as if it were my own, and so want them to do well in the following rounds.

If someone shows me kindness or empathizes with a situation I am in, like the situation I am in with the Dutch Tax Office as they f**ked up my family's lives by doing us wrong and left us broke, I end up tearful. If I see someone else lose a loved one I cry. If I even contemplate the ultimate death of my currently living friends, I can break down and cry. Even if I know that there is no future left to live. It is still something sad when you remember the good old days out at sea.

So is it something about getting older, and if so, what, hormones? Seen too much? Learned living the hard way? I don't know the answer, but I think I like myself better for being this way as it proves to me I do have feelings that matter and that I care for everyone and everything.

The Old Sailor,

 

Gloominess

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have been working late the past few weeks and it is slowly but surely breaking me. Yes, I know, I am getting older and nothing in my life is going smoothly anymore. I curse at everyone because I have become extremely tired and this is a side of myself that I know less about. In the years that I sailed I was also tired, the long days at sea are the most normal thing in the world. And yes, the salary made up for a lot. The fourteen days off also helped me to recharge for the next shift. I have been in public transport since 2010 and as a driver you encounter more and more crazy situations and the fact that a number of colleagues have gone to work elsewhere in the country does not really help. The flu epidemic is also making a lot of victims and the new generation thinks very differently about work and would rather not do it anymore. Because of all the things that go wrong, such as not delivering equipment or delivering it too late and the failure of new vehicles that in my opinion had to be built too quickly, there are a lot of negative reactions from passengers.Yet I can’t do anything about it and staying positive is an art in itself.

 

There is a word for that dull feeling with which I drag myself through the day: boredom. The things that need to be done, and there aren’t that many, I can do right away or postpone. Should I put the breakfast things in the dishwasher now or later? Should I watch the news now or should I save it for dessert after vacuuming? Besides, why would I vacuum? I did that yesterday, didn’t I? Or was it the day before yesterday? Everything can be done later, or this afternoon, or tomorrow, or not at all for that matter. First, coffee then. I sit at the kitchen table with a warm cup between my hands and look at the garden, which looks just as bleak as I feel. Boredom doesn’t suit me, I almost always have something to do. If I don’t have anything practical to do, I retreat with a book, nice and comfy in my lazy chair. How is it possible that that chair and that exciting book suddenly have no appeal anymore? I feel restless and lethargic at the same time. There is a word for that too, and I have felt that way before, when I was out of work for a while: useless. Keeping the house in order is a piece of cake without the care of children and pets.

 

Especially if, like me, you have no eye for dust. “Couldn’t you find the dust cloths?” Trientsje asked last week, while she wrote her name on the television cabinet with her index finger. “You know where they are, don’t you?”, I had snapped at her indignantly. Now I would have all the time in the world to dust the house from top to bottom. Today, tomorrow, every day from now on. The only thing is that I don’t feel like it at all. I get up, pour my cup full of coffee again, and try not to think about the dozens of cups that I used to fill every day until recently. And then suddenly the phone rings, I startle out of my daze of gloom and pick up. The number seems familiar to me somehow. Afterwards I just daydream about the long-gone times when I was at sea and yes, despite everything, I still enjoy what I do every day. I try to imagine how such a phone call would go?

 

“If you think I’m calling you because we can’t live without you, you better push me away right now!” I blink. I recognize her voice out of thousands. Am I just talking to my old boss on the phone? We’ve had a kind of love-hate relationship for years, but in a humorous way. “Did you hear what I said?” The voice on the other end again. No, I’m not mistaken. The woman who had to send me packing a few years ago because of a financial crisis in 2009 is calling me now. “Say something,” she says. “I have no idea what to say,” I answer. There’s a moment of silence. Then she continues: “You could say that you miss us........ Aren’t you terribly bored now that you’re on the bus? Or have you already looked for another job?” “No,” I say. “And now I have to figure out what question my ‘no’ is for?” Doubt strikes in my head. I don't miss the uncertainty, but I still miss the turbulent water. When it storms, I still long for the wild sea and I also cherish the somewhat scarier moments in my memory. "No," I answer again. I hear her sigh on the other side. "Okay, Jacob, the point is: we do miss you. So would you like to put on your coat and pack your bag now? Uh... please? It's quite busy and yes, we miss your cheerful and positive approach." I sink into a chair, my mobile still against my ear. "Are you still there?" I hear the impatience in her voice. "Yes," I say, "and what's more, I'm staying here too." I'm ready to spend the rest of my days on shore. Doing my rounds on the bus and being home every day also has its charm. My love for seafaring has cooled somewhat over the years and there is still a bit of 'brackish' water running through my veins. I like it here and I am still an old sailor but returning to the 'moving floor' those days are behind me.

 

The phone really rings our youngest daughter calls that her bus has not been showing up but the next one is already on its way so I don't have to come and get her anymore. Long live public transport.

The Old Sailor,

 

 

 

When Trauma takes over your Brain

Dear Bloggers,

First of all let me begin I wish you a happy 2025.

New Year's Eve hasn't been much of a celebration for me for more than a decade now, because my partner has severe problems dealing with fireworks and this usually degenerates into a trip in the car to escape the light and noise. At some point it becomes too intense and we flee the village where we live.

The high screeching of some fireworks causes anxiety and panic attacks because the brain can no longer process it. So I can't take stitches by having a drink for example. And no don't get me wrong we also enjoy the beautiful colors of ornamental fireworks. And even though my spouse's brain gets overstimulated she too finds it beautiful to watch. We try to enjoy it every year by watching it and hoping it will go well this year.

Trauma, something that can be caused in an instant and with all its consequences. Trauma can be life-changing. But what exactly is this? What are its consequences and how does it relate to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? In this article you will read what trauma means, the similarities and differences with PTSD and how trauma-related symptoms can be seen in relation to PTSD.

Trauma

The word “trauma” is often used to indicate that someone has experienced an event that has not yet been properly processed, causing someone to suffer from it in everyday life. Sometimes it is a single event, such as a fire, accident, death, rape or robbery. This is called single trauma. When there has been a series of traumatic events (for example, sexual abuse, assault, bullying, medical procedures) it is called multiple trauma.

A traumatic event can cause intense symptoms. Often the memory forces itself on you, while you are trying so hard not to think about it. This can take the form of nightmares or re-experiences, among other things. The memory brings intense anxiety and stress, which makes you try to avoid anything that might bring that memory back to the surface. Continuously elevated stress levels make you irritable, overly alert or startle easily. You have many complex thoughts and you no longer enjoy the things you used to enjoy. Because everywhere, someone is lurking on you who wants to harm you. Recurrent and intrusive memories, startle reactions, avoidance and intense emotions after a traumatic event are appropriate for post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

PTSD or Autism

Autism and PTSD are two completely different things, but there are several similarities in their manifestation. This makes there a risk of misdiagnosis (for example, PTSD instead of autism, or vice versa) or missing one of the diagnoses even though both are present.

One well-known commonality is stimulus sensitivity. Both people with autism and people with PTSD are extra sensitive to stimuli. Fear of loud noises or finding physical touch unpleasant are well-known hypersensitivities that occur frequently in both diagnoses.

Other similarities include rigidity and social withdrawal. Also, symptoms such as sleep problems, gloominess and anxiety are common in both diagnoses.

Some of the difference is in the nature of the symptoms. For example, sensitivity to stimuli in PTSD is often linked to stimuli reminiscent of the trauma, whereas in autism there is a more general sensitivity to stimuli. Another example is that sleep problems in autism are more likely to arise from overstimulation, difficulty with transition or a lack of structure, and in PTSD it is mainly from nightmares or fears. It is therefore incredibly important in diagnosis to look beyond the symptoms and have an eye for underlying processes.

Another difference can be seen in the duration of the symptoms. With autism we assume that it is congenital and symptoms can therefore already be seen in (early) childhood. PTSD you can develop at any time in your life, so a clear difference can usually be seen in functioning before and after the traumatic event. Unfortunately, there are also those who experienced (multiple) trauma in early childhood, making this difference more difficult to discern. Again, a careful diagnostic process is in order

All your knowledge and memories with associated thoughts and feelings, are stored in so called drawers and your brain is a kind of chest of drawers. You can compare this to your computer: all your documents and images with information are stored in folders, so they don't disappear as soon as you close it.

When you need information from a folder, this folder opens in your brain. For example: you are at work. The “work” folder is then open because you need this knowledge to do your job. Ideally, this folder closes when you go home again. But if you are still mulling over your work, for example, the folder remains open. Or you talk about what you did that day at home, which also requires the folder to be opened again.

What we often see with autism is that a folder remains open when associated things are not clear, logical or unfinished. You keep having thoughts about the subject and it is not easy to let it go (i.e. close the folder).

Thus, a drawer in your head may also remain open that has to do with a loss or a drastic event. As a result, you keep thinking about it. You may also be experiencing the feelings you had during the loss or major event over and over again.

Because the folder remains open, you may experience symptoms appropriate to stalled grief or PTSD. The difference between open folders and stagnant grief or PTSD is that the core problem is not the disturbed processing, but the inability to puzzle all the pieces of information into a logical and meaningful whole.

 

Wrong links

During the processing of stimuli in your brain, information that belongs together is categorized and transported together. However, it can happen that pieces of information are transported further together when they don't actually belong together. This is what I call a wrong document in the wrong drawer, and this makes retrieval a lot more difficult. There is a piece of information missing for the linking together.

 A simple example of this is not eating food that once made you feel sick. Suppose you ate fish one evening, after which you became ill that same evening-a severe allergic reaction in my case. Your brain can then link the piece of information about eating fish in general to the piece of information about getting sick. The result is that every time you think about eating fish, say because someone suggests going to a seafood restaurant, that linkage pops up. You probably won't get another bite down your throat because you're afraid it will make you sick again. And even though rationally you may know that that need not be the case (because possibly you happened to have bad or the wrong fish that night, which says nothing about all the other kinds of fish, or the getting sick had nothing to do with it and it was coincidental that it followed each other), I no longer get nauseous at the idea of eating fish. Just having it researched what you can and cannot eat and then that does feel like truth.

Everyone's brain makes these mismatches from time to time, including the brains of neurotypical people. However, the likelihood of a mismatch in autism is higher, because in the autistic brain information comes in fragmented (i.e. in separate pieces a kind of dustpan and brush effect. All the pieces are there but in a shattered order).

Now the link between a specific type of food and getting sick is not a world catastrophe, but it can just happen to create a link that has much bigger implications for your daily life. An example: during an evening walk, fireworks were set off. In your startle reaction you heard a high whistling sound which gave you even more panic also the flashes of light all around gave excessive excitement and as soon as you hear a bang you want to crawl away. Since then you feel intense fear when you hear bangs outside or if someone just after New Year's Eve someone sets off a piece of fireworks.

So a mismatch can come up when confronting some of the information (that could be seen as a trigger, reasoned from PTSD), with the accompanying conclusion, which can include intense and negative emotions. As a result, mismatch is very similar to a trauma-related disorder. For that matter, it can also be very similar to an anxiety disorder. Again, the difference here lies in the core of the problem: It is not about the disrupted processing (or about fear thoughts after conditioning, if we take a side trip to anxiety disorders), but about information stored in the brain as a mismatch. Thereby, in the case of mismatch, other PTSD symptoms are not present.

Do you recognize yourself in the above article? Then do not hesitate to seek help. For this you can contact your family doctor.

“We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names.” {qoute by Nikita Gill} 

The Old Sailor,