The scars on my soul are telling a story

Dear Bloggers,

I'm having trouble working out where I am and who I am. Somehow, this isn't disturbing, it's simply puzzling to me. I'm in a puzzle and need to put together the clues to work out what this is all about.

Images are popping up in my mind and somehow the pictures are mixed up and there are people who have never been there before and that makes it complicated. I'm sitting in the centre of a row of beige plastic chairs. When I turn my head, I realise that my wife,is sitting next to me. A ring of beige chairs also lines the walls. Other people, scattered around the room, are sitting here with worried faces some of them are crying or looking down and shuffling their feet. I get the feeling that they don't want to be here.

A beeping sound is coming from somewhere. To my right, people are moving through an automatic door. I look up and see a young woman behind a glass window. She seems to be mentally losing it, as they just confirmed that her boyfriend has died in the chaos that is out there, and her dark hair hasn't been brushed recently. She's on the phone and taking notes. All of a sudden a few people show up to me and I realize that I can not see there faces and I frown when they approach me, as I don't really want to speak to them. I am not the one that should give them answers, I send them over to the other side of the room and I see them sitting down with the policeman who has a copy of the passenger list and they are being desperate for good news.

We seem to be in some sort of waiting room, but I don't know why. I am wearing my military camouflage uniform sitting with my helmet in my hands. We are sitting in a sports hall which has been decorated as a waiting area with here and there a few tables where policemen are trying to give as good and as bad information . For most of the survivors the waiting is hell.

The sunlight is slanting through the windows on the far wall is soft; it must be the morning light, then. My dear God we have been here for hours and still they are bringing people in. Local cops, people from the Red Cross and other persons like psychotherapists, priests,ministers. The major is running the operation. And our duty has been taken over by the own countries army and we are waiting to get the clearance that we can go back to our base

In one corner of the room, on a low table, there are piles of magazines. I walk over to pick up a crying girl and then sit down with her again. This is a young woman I guess in her late teens or early twenties approximately my own age but she has lost everyone that she was with. My heart breaks when I see her and send my buddy to find someone to comfort her. As for us it's about time to leave.

Off to my left, a child is whining. I turn to see a man and a woman, both big, with a girl aged four or five. They look tired, as parents do when they've been up during the night with a grumpy and worn out child. Soon I am absorbed by their interactions; it's like watching a show. The father lifts the girl on to his lap, looking strained. The mother holds up a children's book, reading to her. The child listens for a while, fidgets, and cries again. The mother tries to interest her in one of the toys from a box in the corner, but it doesn't work. Now I know what this is like; I'm a parent, too. They're doing their best in this bad situation.

How did I get to this room? A fragment comes into my mind, a dreamlike image of driving us to the chaotic scene and me being impressed by the sea hawk helicopters that are flying on and off. It is what I can see from our military vehicle window. Did this really happen, or am I imagining it?

I turn to my wife and see that she's crying quietly: her cheeks are pink; the rims of her eyes are red. She's sad about something, but I don't know what. I put my arm around her shoulder and pat her gently. "It'll be all right," I say. She quiets a little. All the other things are in some kind of blurred image. And I wander what her problem is, somehow I cannot reach her. It is a disturbing feeling and I feel powerless. How in the hell can I help her when I am in this state of mind.

As we sit there, I feel as if I'm in a sound bubble, into which the surrounding noises don't intrude. The crying girl doesn't irritate me as I think she might have at another time. Instead, I feel a well of stillness inside. I keep turning the pages of this story of my life. Get up soldier it is time to stand up to your troubled mind and help the one you love with all your heart. The road will be long and tough sometimes inhospitable sometimes, but she is not afraid as she has a well-trained soldier at her side. But there is no way back and it looks like our horizon on fire as the sun goes down slowly.

As far as I can tell, it's not long before we are taken through a door. It opens, like magic, into a wide, yellow corridor with a side table, a high metal chair, and shelves along the walls. Have we really been here? Did we do anything good for those people? And why am I mixed up with all those emotions. And why am I dressed in full combat gear with a loaded machine gun? I left the army in the autumn of 1987 that is more then 25 years ago.

A young military man who says he is a doctor asks us to sit in the chairs while he stands before us. He's wearing ordinary clothes and looks tired, speaking slowly and softly. He probably wants to go home. The doctor would like to thank us for the quick responding to the scene. And gives our sergeant a phone number for the ones who might need help. At the moment we do not need anything but want to go home. We are all trained to kill people but in this case this were civilians who just had a good time and were killed in a weird kind of disaster. In this case we could not save them. Man this has impacted our team the guys have gone quiet as we have seen all to much.The guys are all silent and some are staring with bowed head to the floor. the situation we ended up in was totally insane. And no one had the strength to say anything. It was quiet and lonely it felt like a slap in the face.

Memories lost: I don't know how long I'm with the doctor perhaps one or two minutes and when I look up he's gone. There's that puzzling feeling again: was he real, or am I in a dream?

Back in the corridor, a man and a woman tell me I am to have a EMDR session. The thought excites me. I don't think I've ever had one before, but I know what they are: I've read reports from EMDR patients as psychology fascinates me because the brain is something very special, detailing the effects of a brain that is able to send people in the right or wrong directions. They have a lounge chair and mentally they push me into another corridor of my mind. In and out of the disaster we go. It is sad and reliving it is absolute no fun.

They say the session is over, but I don't remember having it. How odd! I'm walking with a woman, also dressed in blue; she's told me that I'm having the next session next Thursday. I'm not sure if I've been in state like this before, but I'm so tired that I think it would be great to get my life back and being able to sleep without nightmares again.

The next morning is different from the day before. It feels as if I've woken from a dream. I'm sure now that I've been there and that woman next to me in my memory is not my wife but my late buddy who died of cancer a few years later in hospital, and that something really has happened to me. I remember more clearly the whole situation was so crazy before we came in. I'd woken with a headache, walked to the kitchen, taken a Panadol, and gone back to bed. That's the last memory I have on this weird mixed up dream.

The phone beside my bed rings, interrupting my reverie. It's traffic control if I could work today. “And I respond yes of course what time should I start?”

"I'm woolly in the head, as if I'm not sure I'm really here," I reply to my wife. "I've got a mild headache, too." and still you are going to work she says. I call it therapy as my brain has to work in a different way. I jump out of bed and head for the bathroom. Brushing my teeth, shave and hop into the shower.

It's three months after my initial psychologists admission, and two months after I was formally discharged from therapy again, where I spent eight unsettling and confining sessions. It's mid-afternoon and I'm reading a book. It's easy to follow, and it doesn't matter if I've forgotten some of the earlier details. I like the way of writing, and I am fascinated by the story: I'm not the only one on a path of survival. Initially I tried reading a story of a deeply harmed woman that has survived a war, but it was like struggling through thick, deep mud.

I would read a page, and by the time I reached the next, I'd forgotten what the previous one had said. I go back to reading, settling comfortably into my chair; the idea of seeing the doctor slips into my back pocket. But my brain continues processing this information in its own way.

Then, a thought comes suddenly to my mind: if I've had a set back, and that's not physical… I haven't had a mental breakdown. It all came up again due to a very different situation. They harmed my wife and the killing machine was woken up from the dead end corner of my brain. I was going to take this bad ass out of his magic life. And everyone that would be in the way. The bastard has been lucky that he wasn't home as I had figured out were he was living. I couldn't stop the blindness and the deep angered soldier that was taken over. Lucky part of the situation was that he was not home as I still see him as the enemy. Thank God I did not harm anyone. Relief floods through me. Fucking fantastic.

Recovery: All of this happened on the evening hours of the 6^th of March 1987 But cue seven months of visits to doctors psychotherapists and a series of tests. I've been told that I should exercise, walk on flat ground if I go for a walk, read nothing harder than the newspaper. I try to follow doctor's orders to take it easy and avoid stress. The stress thing is a process of discovery. The invisible hole in my head is a trickster; I don't know when or how it's going to trip me up next. My body's not behaving properly either. And that came up years later due to a stressed life.

I'm anxious to get on with my recovery, and the more I read, the more it seems like a computer-based cognitive training program is what I need. The program should concentrate on building the basic auditory skills first, and then the components of speech and finally comprehension.

Now the situation has stabilized and I am calm again, yet I must give closure to the old situation and learn to live with what happened then. Furthermore, I will have to build on a completely new start for my wife because she never will be the same again and will have to learn to live with her post-traumatic stress disorder. Will I ever find the peace and able to deal with the false world that simply seeks to amass money and is not looking for happiness.

It is the time that heals all wounds, but there is always a scar on my soul and that scar will fade with aging. Sometimes it will itch and sometimes it will be hurting and feel like stabbing but it will never disappear. It's something you learn to live with and gradually no one is sensing that you have a scar. "In peacetime you are much more affected by the war." said an old veteran a couple of weeks ago.

 

The Old Sailor,

Morning fog

Dear Bloggers,

Last Friday, the sun was shining like it is almost summer. After the morning fog was covering the world with his coat and at half past nine it all cleared away, the blue skies and a mild burning sun appeared. And that remains throughout the day. And while the temperatures can rise to nearly 20 degrees. I am having the day off, so it is all very good. I have plunged myself in full force in a new hobby project and I have been busy sanding some panels. Our young dog is playing in the garden and tries to get my attention with occasional mischief. I enjoy the sun on my pale skin and think that life can be so beautiful and if it would be financial possible, I would only occasionally work for a few days.

Full stop is not needed, but it would be nice if you could organize your own time, for example, only the winter period to do some work. But that will only be a dream, I am afraid. So enjoy all of the few precious moments I have. After a few hours I make a cup of tea for me and my wife and we chat a bit about the daily stuff and I am going outside for an other hour and then we're going to do a little shopping in a local supermarket.

I miss the days when I was at sea and feel that there is a change of weather coming. That's something you read in the sky and feel the slowly becoming colder air around you. It's pretty soft spring weather but I do not think it will remain. After dinner we watch some television and every half an hour my head is nodding and my eyes are closed. Tired but satisfied we crawl under the covers and I have to go to work in the morning and then again tomorrow afternoon I will go on with my hobby project.

But when I step through the front door of our house the next morning it is pouring rain. Spring has clearly ceased it's introduction today. A drizzling rain seeps this morning in a gray suited sky. At such a gray day, I'll grab everything to make myself feel better. Travel to the South. The South: leave this swampy land, if possible, I would flee. But unfortunately, I can't because we are financial unable to pay for this kind of debauchery.

At moments like this I miss the time I did spontaneous actions together with my wife and we woke up drunk in a strange world of pleasure stung with the first sun rays on our naked bodies. When I walk the dog during the afternoon in this rainy weather, on the field on the way home. I am walking slowly and in my thoughts I'll see a man that looks like an old sailor It is a gray-haired man with a weathered face, a beard and a body that has been build by hard labour. In my mind I named him immediately. "The Old Sailor" And as I would soon discover: there I was not far wrong. "If I were you, I'd better get home, there's coming a decent bit of rain," he said when he saw me. He just had the words out, it started raining again. "Come, I live around here," he invited me. I hesitated. Finally, I knew him, but on the other hand he was a stranger that I just met. But he seemed to have no mischief and did not want to harm me, so I took his invitation.

Once in his house I got the feeling of being in a museum. Hung everywhere and all around me there were the most exotic objects. Our dog, sniffed curiously around. The old man seemed to find it all okay. He made a cup of tea for me and soon we were both sitting down, he began to tell about his life. He had sailed a large part of his life, but had to go ashore when his health deteriorated. He looked sad. "For me, no sailors funeral and a watery grave ..." he said softly. I felt sorry for him, but did not know how to comfort him.

So I pointed hesitantly at a small statue that stood nearby and asked where it came from. That was a good hunch: the face of the man brightened, and he began to tell. It already stopped raining when he finished his story. For me it's time to go home. 'Please come along, "he said when I left the house. I would definitely do. The old man was a fascinating storyteller and behind the other objects in the house were trapped many more stories. Further, he didn't see anyone else at all. In his existence had never been a place for family, friends and all that he had met, The ones he knew were sailors.

In the days and weeks that followed, it became a ritual: walking the dog, ring the bell at the old man, and once we were seated I would designate an object to the tea. Then the Captain was (as I now called him Captain) an hour or more on his soapbox. When I come home and slide in my chair behind a cup of coffee, I think what a strange sensation I have met myself but older. A future that is uncertain but not far from the truth. I have more of these kind of imaginings and then I dream away about times long gone or something else it is vague. Like this story now I can not quite explain.

Numb I sit at the table and my wife asks what is wrong with you, are you okay? I nod, and fight my tears. The next morning I wake up with a strange feeling as if "the Captain" that night has died in his sleep.

I'm ready for a little boat, I think and search on the Internet and find a particular boat. In the port arrived I almost fell off the scaffolding of laughter. The boat that belonged to the ad I knew very well. Regularly I had told people around me joked that that thing I would have for peanuts from his owner. I would take the ugly duckling from his hands, to give it a much needed face lift. And if it was meant to be, it was now mine. For a moment I had the idea that "the Captain" gave me a wink from above.

I had no clue at all of maintaining a boat or how to fix an engine. So I had the little boat thoroughly inspected by someone who had the knowledge and had a look at. Of the money I had saved up for this kind of project, I bought all the necessary stuff. I hit the chores: I sawed, hammered and painted, and had the time of my life. The other occupants of the port came curiously watching what I was doing. Some pointed meaningfully to their foreheads. Others gave me advice on how I could build and fix things they had obviously had the biggest fun about the hideous boat and that strange bird belonged to it. But that did not bother me and I enjoyed everything I did very much.

Once I was sure the boat would stay afloat, I got my license for sailing a boat. Now I brought a sleeping bag and some other stuff on board and proud I started the engine. Together with my wife, I went on board, and I headed for the coast. My boat was obviously not meant to travel at sea, but I ventured a short distance offshore.

My heart was beating like a buzzing beehive and the sailor in me woke up as i was struck by lightning. The sun danced in the air. I peered through my binoculars and saw the coastline gradually disappear The serenity of the open sea brought me back to the moments I have known from the time that I sailed around around our planet. I watched around me as we disappeared on the horizon and were rolling on the waves. The Captain was back home? 

 

I turned the boat around and sailed slowly back in the direction where we came from.

When I get closer to the port I all of a sudden wake up from my dreams, I realize that I've been sitting here behind the computer daydreaming and all of this again has been coming up in that silly brain of mine. Yet these are the happiest and finest thoughts I have and they are often around the corner if the weather is bad and the world is gray. It's a beautiful world in my dreams.

The Old Sailor,

What is the time to find inner peace

Dear Bloggers,

In my life I had to deal with a lot of ups and downs in all different ways either mental or physically. In a lot of cases I managed myself in others i have been seeking for help by professional caregivers. And in a way I can say that I have found the inner peace in myself. I compare myself to an old and wise man who still learns every day from the mistakes that he makes.

The path to inner peace is not very simple or short. You cannot just wake up one day and decide you are going to have inner peace from that point forward. It is a slow process, a journey that needs to be appreciated every step of the way. You need to be willing to let go and accept your full spectrum of emotions. Might be difficult for some proud men and women.

You need to be ready to step outside the box you have allowed yourself to be put into and start from scratch, getting to know yourself all over again and be willing to make a lot of mistakes. And most importantly, you have to realize that only you have control over your emotional responses and reactions and they can be changed for the better.

No one article or even one book is going to give you the answers to achieving inner peace. What they can do is assist you in initiating change within yourself by bringing light to something you were not previously aware of.Once you become aware of ways you can improve how you live your life, you can begin true transformations. These transformations are evolutions of the mind, spirit and soul. Once you really change your ways to be in alignment with your true self, you will never go back, just like a tadpole to a frog or a caterpillar to a butterfly.

Often, people live within a false sense of inner peace. The saying “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what a ship is for!” is an example of this. If you live your life in “the harbor” and never go out of your comfort zones, then you will be misleading yourself into believing you have harmony within. You need to be willing to experience a full range of emotions and face some challenges on the path to getting to know yourself through others and your experiences.

Offloading Your Emotional Baggage

Everyone has a certain amount of emotional baggage they carry with them everywhere. The idea of finding inner peace is to offload this baggage so you can feel light, healthy, vibrant, free and maybe one day even enlightened. What is emotional baggage? It comes in many forms and some examples could be shame for past deeds, judgments towards others, being victimized, being abused, guilt for past mistakes, distorted beliefs about yourself and others, insecurities and body image problems. Every person is unique in their genetics and socialization. Add to that unique experiences through life and we get complex individuals who bounce of each other every which way they turn, sometimes positive, sometimes negative.

The secret to clearing your issues is to take your ship out of the harbor and interact with others. This is a vital part of learning about yourself. If you have ever heard one important thing to remember in your life on this earth, remember this: Anything you see in others, you have in yourself also and any judgment you make towards another, is really about you. This applies to both “good” and “bad” things you recognize.

An example of what this means is if you react in anger towards someone who is crying, having no compassion for their situation, it could be you are angry with yourself when you get sad, seeing it as week and don’t ever allow yourself to cry. When you refuse to accept something in yourself, you also will not accept it in others.

Another example, a teenager comes home from school and tells her mother a crude joke she heard about drinking addiction. The mother immediately goes into a rage and yells at her to go to her room and that she is grounded. Mum stands there shaking, and angry that her buttons have been pressed. She had a brother who was a alcoholic and they had never told her children about him. She never spoke about him and never dealt with the issues around the subject. When she reacted to her daughter that way, it was all her own anger and issues about the situation and nothing to do with her daughter. Actually she was facing herself in a mirror.

We need to start looking at the way we react to people and to situations. We need to work on smoothing these “buttons” we all have everywhere, because you can’t find inner peace if you are constantly judging yourself and others. This is process of learning and being willing to admit to yourself and others when you are wrong. This is a cure way to learn a lot about yourself very quickly!

Once you open your self to the truth there will be no going back. The idea is simple, if you don’t have the emotion, thought, trait, personality in you that you are seeing in others, you would not recognize it in someone else. We see someone make a face and because we make that face when we eat something sour, we presume they are also experiencing the feeling of eating something sour. This is not the case, this judgment projects from our mind like a movie of our own experiences played on cue for any situation, and we aren’t even aware we’re doing it. Use your interactions to better yourself and grow in your compassion for others through realizing your own faults and problems.

There is more good news you can also own your admiration's. This means all the things you admire or maybe are even jealous of in others, you have in yourself also. Maybe you have always admired the guy next door for his ease on the basketball court, yet he practices every day and disciplines himself. You know deep down if you did that too, you could be just as good. You can choose to realize this is where your jealousy comes from, and use it to change yourself through your new self awareness or sit around in bitterness and jealousy, denying your own undeveloped talents. 

Another example is women who make comments about other women’s clothes. Often they are really the most insecure ones of all. Instead of feeling in competition, they need to deal with their own issues as to why they feel a person’s clothes have anything to do with the person themselves. Do they think their clothes make them a better person, and if so, why? 
 
Letting Go of Control

You will have to let go of control to find inner peace. This is control you have over any one in your life and control over life itself. One thing you can’t do if you want peace, is give anyone else power over your feelings. When you try to control someone, ultimately they are controlling you. If you feel you need to monitor someone’s every move, or have them be with you all the time, you are really restricting yourself to the same. You have to develop trust and let go of fear.

If you feel scared, accept it for what it is, a harmless yet uncomfortable emotion. No big deal and when you’ve overcome it a few times, it becomes easy. Never say “You make me feel so angry/sad/frustrated!” because you are choosing to feel those things and what someone else does with their life should not impact on you. It is about developing emotional intelligence and allowing people to live their life without being responsible for your reactions.

Trust those who say they love you and trust every interaction you have. Don’t be trying to read into things, there’s no point. What other people think is none of your business and you will never be guaranteed to work it out, so just let it go. This won’t happen in a day, but keep working on yourself. Any time you catch yourself wondering what someone says or thinks about you when you’re not around, just make a point to change your mind to something else. If you keep doing it, you will re-train your mind, and before you know it, you will be free from the opinions of others.

Fear for some reason has been applied to so many situations in our time. Fear is actually an adrenalin response to a situation we instinctively feel the need to flee from. Anxiety, stress or worry are not fear. You may be worried about going out in crowds, you may be anxious about the promotion interview and you may feel stressed about going by yourself, but you aren’t afraid. Acknowledge these emotions when they arise, let them know they are justified, then continue with your plans.

Rest assured that the more times you continue, regardless of the feelings, they will soon fade away. An example is a lady who hasn’t dated for five years and someone she knows and trusts has set her up on a blind date. Initially she is very excited and as the time draws near, she begins to tell herself she is too afraid and can not go through with it. She ends up phoning her friend for the mans number, lying to her friends, then calling the man to tell him she has become suddenly ill and can't go. If she just said to herself “yes this is difficult and I am nervous, but I can do it anyway and anyone would be nervous in this situation, it’s just human.” What is the worst that can happen? Maybe she will sound or look nervous, but that’s not bad and no where near as rude as canceling at the last minute.

We Can Only Change Ourselves

Why would anyone want to bother with all this inner peace stuff? To end the cycle of ups and downs, emotions popping up when you don’t want them too, interactions with others become diplomatic and helpful and you will be able to experience an inner calm and confidence that words can not describe. You will no longer have petty conversations that are full of gossip and bragging, but will begin to talk about ideas and events that are interesting and positive. What you put out, you really get back in life. So if you think and feel negatively towards others, you will think and feel negative about yourself as well.

The time old saying “Mind your own business” is based in wisdom. We can only change ourselves and it is not for us to judge the way anyone else lives their lives. As we have already discussed, any judgment we make is actually really related to ourselves anyway. Don’t waste precious time or energy on what others are doing with their lives, and learn not to take anything personally.

Whenever someone makes a decision as to how they spend their own time or energy, it is their decision to make, so don’t go sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted and don’t think it is all about you. There is no way you can know the repercussions of your advice of judgments towards others, so keep your lips sealed even when the urge seems overwhelming to give your opinion. It is not your place, and unless you have been overcome with some phenomenal amount of wisdom and perfectionism straight from the heavens, you don’t have the answers and shouldn’t act like you do.

Meditation and Inner Peace

Meditation is very important part of finding inner peace. Mediation is not only relaxation, it is a way of living. When you meditate as a form of relaxation, you access areas of your mind which are normally hidden behind everyday thoughts and memories. You are able to clear away all the narrow-minded thoughts and get to your deeper subconscious mind to deal with what arises. This can help to fast track your road to inner peace, as it relaxes and vitalizes you physically, emotionally and mentally and reconnects you spiritually.
You can also meditate in your every day life. 

There is an art to being able to live in the moment and there is an old Buddhist saying that you may have heard. It goes “Before enlightenment, carry water, chop wood - after enlightenment, carry water, chop wood”. The difference is the state of mind and inner peace. Before enlightenment, you would do every day tasks with your mind racing through thoughts and memories. You would be thinking about yesterday and tomorrow and be unaware of the beauty of the moment. You could even be annoyed that you have to do the task at hand. 

After enlightenment, you would be in the moment, your mind free and peaceful as you are in a consistent state of satisfaction, regardless of where you are and what you are doing. In this way, if you first begin to become aware of the thoughts you have while trying to be in the moment, you will be able to release or confront each issue and continue to work towards a clear mind and relaxed body. The goal is to be totally involved in the task at hand without prejudice.

 

Self Acceptance

Consider taking the time to write a list of the things you fear most in life. Then seriously consider ways you can work towards confronting and overcoming those fears. You should add to your list as you become more self aware, because you will have more realizations as to who you are and what you can work on overcoming. Some examples might be if you are scared of certain emotions in others, you can not accept compliments, you can’t give compliments, you are uncomfortable with affection, spending time alone, climbing ladders, cats, dogs, etc., etc.

When writing the list, look deeply at your reactions to situations and remember fear isn’t just felt as fear and is often disguised as anger. A perfect example is the mother who can’t find her child for a few minutes. A dread comes over her and when she does find him or her, she reacts in an angry way and yells at him or her for walking away. Its an over reaction and is not a true expression of her emotions. The fear remains suppressed and unacknowledged, so will only be amplified next time a similar situation arises.

You have to be willing to be honest with yourself and others. If you can’t be honest, you will be unable to find synchronicity in your life. 

Life is a journey.........Some enjoy it, others don't.


The Old Sailor,