From Full Steam to Self Esteem

Dear Bloggers,

My eldest daughter is a bit shy when it comes to making new contacts, but with a little help from her parents she is getting less and less a creep mouse and gets slowly more self esteem. Learns quickly if it comes to nasty situations and loves to argue with her mom. I have the feeling that she is growing in the right way.

Self-Esteem:  The Best Gift You Can Give

When I am asking the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most of the people tell me that they are being loved by at least one of them. Then my next question is:  “How do you mean that did you really felt loved as a child?”  Just a few of them remain with the same answer.  No matter where I ask, the response is generally the same.  What does this mean for us as parents? Should we raise our kids differently ?

Self-esteem, especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being lovable.  Whether we know it or not, we are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time.  For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are.  Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide. No matter what if these are our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, touch and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,” “I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and what they deserve in life. 

We, as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously by repeating the patterns that our own parents used with us, or to make a conscious choice to pass on the values we would like to see perpetuated.  It is not always right but also not everything they thought you was wrong, maybe some of them were badly explained.

 

My advise is: Pass on the best and throw out the rest.  An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an honest look at your own childhood.  Remember what it was like growing up in your family.  What did your parents do to make you feel loved?  Was their love conditional or unconditional?  How did they discipline you?  Did they believe children need to be controlled?  How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other?  What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you?  Try not to idealize your experiences, but rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family.  Not remembering painful memories leaves you at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.

Our parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them.  Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we wished we would have had.  When my mother died, I thanked her for giving me the passion to parent a different way.

It is better to prepare than to repair.  Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life.  Here are some of the major factors that contribute to self-esteem:

High Self-Esteem

Respect (valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter, and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in, acknowledgement)

Low Self-Esteem

Disrespect, Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism, judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)

Self-esteem begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you.  This love spills over to your children, who learn to love themselves and to love you.  Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth.  Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” 

Bite your tongue.  I have noticed that when I am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said.  I can totally explode when I am in a bad day and having nasty mood swings. My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does mine.  Healthy families remind each other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their failings.  Take time to regularly remind yourself of your goals and values what you want for your children—and you will create that consciously.

Flip your focus.  Many of us have been taught to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.”  Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you want, not what you do not want.

Examine your expectations.  Expectations that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and set us up for disappointment.  Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe in them.  Maintain a balance between high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.

When you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself.  I wished that my mother had told me how to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker.  A large part of self-esteem comes from feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the things we want to do.  Many times, we unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.

Here is a good exercise in self-nourishment.  Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with candlelight).  It is especially revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these activities.  Make a commitment to do at least one activity from your list every day.  This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.

Get rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do.  Listen to what you say to yourself during the course of each day.  Turn up the volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not good enough.”  As you hear the messages, write them down.  Where did they come from?  The reason most people feel bad about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are.  For every statement you record, think of a way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an affirmation as a reminder.  Turn your “stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.  You will be surprised what happens not only for you but also for your children. 

When you are having fun together, love just happens.  Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend with your children having fun.  How much time to do you devote to play?  Most of us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or maybe renting a video.  We have forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store, and swimming with a friend.  Luckily, our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover the child within us.  Play brings a special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.

Discipline without damage.  I often ask other parents what comes to their mind when I say the word discipline.  The most common response is punishment. Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be self-regulated.  When our children “misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame.  When anyone feels attacked, they will shut down to protect themselves from our harmful words.  “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need ________.  Taking the time to formulate an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your buttons are being pushed.  What is coming up in you from your past?  Then you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your parents.  It may come up, for example, that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second day.

Finding new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system with natural and logical consequences. 

Joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half.  In the past, extended families were the rule, rather than the exception.  We no longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood. 

Listen, listen, listen.  We all know what it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not listening.  Most people need to improve their listening skills. Eventhough the one who is talking is a boring talker he or she deserves a listening ear.  I am improving my listening skills.  When you listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish speaking.  Then, reflect a feeling back to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”  If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood what they said. If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly.  This is “win-win” communication, and it enhances everyone’s self-esteem.

Let go of perfectionism.  My wife was a perfectionist and was a master at keeping the house nice and tidy. I am aware of how I did not develope that same tendency as my mom was in that case not wanting to be perfect. My children have helped her to recover from the mistaken belief that anything must be perfect and straight and the other ones could help you to make it nearly perfect.  Because perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated, disappointed, and angry about the strangest things.  Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family and if you are able to change to a less perfect life. There will be many things changed in your life as people around you have to adapt to you as a “new” person. Yes this is hard for persons that have been around you for many years and lost control about this new you. Never mind that they are angry but they should pick up and try the new you. 

In the beginning it is hard to let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and silliness to your life.  Be gentler with yourself and others. A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather provides an opportunity to learn.  When children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises.  The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

What goes around comes around.  A wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them.  My children are my best cheerleaders since the beginning of my illness together with the changes in my career. They remind me of the fact that perfectionism is not needed and I should let go of it. I’d better look at my ability to succeed something that I can do and they are in there to support me. They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning family in which everyone feels like a success.  It is not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture.  It is worth the effort though.  Happiness and connection happen when you replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and attitudes.  It all begins with self-awareness and a conscious choice.

The Old Sailor,

        

twenty years ago

Dear Bloggers,

I am 44 years old and I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman (42 years old) for 20 years. We have been married for 15 years. We have a beautiful 13 year old girl and a 8 year old girl. We always have been a quite happy couple as we were both happy in our jobs and lives. In the past year my wife often complained that she was unhappy in her job and with her life and admitted to being in a full blown crisis with herself. As her boss was making her life to a living hell as she was bullied by her.

She always said however, that his unhappiness had nothing to do with the kids or me but that everything else in her life was 'wrong'. I believed her.In fact I always thought that we had a very strong marriage. We seldom fought and shared some hobbies and interests and also had our own separate lives. She had gone in to therapy and we have been in some heavy battles. As she started to stand up for herself my life became less pleasant.

In Juli I discovered that she had just started to change ............. The cliche! I was devastated, shattered and asked her if I needed to move out of our home and reflect what she really wanted. What should I do? Am I fighting a losing battle? No it is time to hang in there. I guess that many couples would break up at this point and others will make a new and fresh start. I started to read about it and found the following things. I was surprised about what I found.

A new study shows it's possible to be madly in love even after 20-some years. Nice news in today's world where the idea of lasting love seems almost quaint. The study from Stony Brook University in New York used brain scans to find that some long-married couples have the same intensity of attraction from the "dopamine-rich" area of the brain as newly in-love couples.
We all remember the intense butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of falling in love... and the uncertainty over whether those feelings are returned. 

This study suggests that after 20 years you can have the excitement without the apprehension. The area of the brain associated with anxiety was less active for the long marrieds than it was for new couples.
Unfortunately the findings shed no light on the "how." A small sample, it doesn't delve into what happens in the middle -- the years between wedded bliss and empty nest passion. Skeptics claim, the study only shows that "It's possible to fall in love again rather than it's possible to maintain new love."

After 20 years couples have survived career strain and financial draining. Parents subside for years on baby-talk and carpool roulette. And that's if they're lucky enough to avoid life's other challenges. If you've made it through that, perhaps it means that you have to rediscover your partner. You either realize you have nothing in common or you fall in love again. The mid-life crisis looms.

In the course of interviewing 40-something women for 40-20 vision, they've found some who still have an intense passion. Then others who don't think they'll ever have that first love flutter again but ended up with something they say is better: A partner who is there for them, makes them laugh and shares the highs and lows. Someone who you trust enough to give space and take space... and who you still can get it on with even it if has its peaks and valleys. The one thing everyone agrees on is the ups and downs. It's really how you handle them that counts.

One observation concludes that the results make many couples feel inadequate about their relationship. That's something 40-something women relate to. We love to compare after all. Which may be why so many women expressed disbelief or awe about a recent interview with Sting on his relationship with Trudie Styler. They seem to be living proof of the study's findings. In addition to the Tantric sex rumors, they cite a few other reasons for the success of their 18-year marriage:

'Relationships aren't easy, but we're lucky because we actually like each other,' says 59-year-old Sting. 'We love each other -- that's a given -- but Trudie lights my world up when she comes into a room. I don't take her for granted.'

'It's important to have frank discussions about what the other wants. To be in a relationship that is like a little lifetime, that's a challenge,' Styler admits.

'Being apart juices the relationship,' says Sting, noting, 'There's a playfulness we have; I like the theater of sex.'

How does this compare to them who have survived years of marriage while living real lives? Surprisingly it's pretty consistent. Here are a few perspectives:

One thing I'd tell my 44-year-old self is that I'm glad that I hung in there in the marriage. I had tenacity. A lot of young people would've said, 'I am out of here.' I'm so glad I learned what commitment is. You can't be inside anyone else's marriage but when I see my friends getting divorced now, I'm like, 'Are you kidding me? Over that?' I would say to be committed and tenacious and kind... but don't forget about yourself in the process.

Be aware of each other's needs and expectations. It's being on the same page, even if it's to expect the unexpected.

We truly adore each other. After 20 years I'm happy to see her when she walks in the door. Of course sometimes I want to punch her in the face but overall, she makes me happy. For the most part our expectations of each other are always met. Many people are unhappy because they're constantly disappointed when their expectations don't meet. If you're well aware of what your spouse needs and wants and you're willing to do it, it makes for a lot more peace, happiness and overall enjoyment.

You have to like each other. It keeps the lows from being deal-breakers.

Sometimes you're in sync and sometimes you're not. Through the years it's been back and forth. Sometimes she's so amazing. I just see her and think, 'wow.' And then sometimes I'm 'uggh, I'm so not attracted to her.' She probably hasn't even done anything. She's the exact same. It's just me. But as long as you both have good intentions and you treat each other like friends that you like... as opposed to someone you're pissed at, you'll be okay.

Spend some time apart.

You have to cultivate your own interests. It keeps it interesting. When you do stuff that doesn't involve the other person it makes it more fun to be together. If you don't have a social life, an intellectual life or some kind of activity that isn't all about your significant other, it's really hard to feel that you have a sense of identity.

Don't take each other for granted. Make an effort to make alone time together.

It could be just be watching a comedy or movie together or going to dinner. We do a date one night a weekend. We go out just the two of us and try to not talk about the kids. Have something outside of raising your kids or talking about the business of running the house or all that stuff.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to trust that you can be yourself.

You can't have real intimacy unless you're willing to be vulnerable, both emotionally and sexually. You can't really be yourself during any sort of sexual intimacy if you don't allow yourself to feel vulnerable. It only comes from being safe with somebody, trusting them. (hmm....and this is cousing in many couples the break-up as they aren’t vulnerable and this leads often to things such as adultery.)

And last but not least...stay physically connected no matter what.

Stay intimate and close, especially after you have a child. She is not a roommate. It's an intimate relationship. Stay connected physically. And hold hands. Say I love you. These are just simple things that are easy forgotten.

Who knows, perhaps knowing that you can recapture that first love rush without the fear can be motivation for couples to stay versus stray. 

The Old Sailor,

All of a sudden it was Christmas again

Dear Bloggers,

For most of us, the holiday of Christmas is often filled with food, presents, family, friends, church family maybe, and many other festive things. It's a time when we get together to remember times long past and to discuss things that are going on today, whether it's funny stories and just getting a few great laughs, or getting together most importantly to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, or to discuss world events and such. Some people don't celebrate at all, and that's OK too. Everybody has their own thing. Christmas can be a very fun holiday and a time to connect with others and to be giving generously. But for some, Christmas can be a very painful reminder of something else. That is, the loss of a loved one. . . . . . . 

Just when the holiday season had started, a family I know lost her man and father who was a very important and much loved family member in their lives to a sudden death of at present unknown causes. They were like everybody else, getting ready for the holidays and looking forward to friends and family getting together. Then the rug was pulled out from under them. Instead of joy, they are feeling intense grief at this sudden loss. Now all of a sudden their plans for Christmas will have an absent family member; husband, father, mentor and friend to so many. Almost all the 1,000 people of our little village went to the funeral to pay their respects. It goes to show what he was in life by the amount of friends he had and the respect they had for him. He earned every bit of it, and I hope he is now with the Lord. I grieve along with the family and friends, for the loss is a very big and devastating one to those of us who knew him.

Many other people have lost loved ones to horrible circumstances during the holidays. Car accidents or other kinds of accidents, suicide, homicide, a sudden or perhaps a lingering illness, and other terrible situations. During the holidays the loss can be devastating and overshadow the holiday and for some very good reasons. It's difficult to enjoy the holiday when you have suffered the loss of someone you loved more than anything during that time period, and their absence creates a void that will never again be completely filled. Christmas is now not only a holiday to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it's now a reminder of the death of a loved one. In time it may heal, but the scar will forever remain, lingering in the back of their minds. That's the very sad part of it, and I would never wish it upon anyone. 

But there is one thing I have always found in all my 44 years. Having lost loved ones myself and thinking of them during Christmas, one thing was very clear even if everything else wasn't at the time. Even though I am not much of a believer, I still think that God doesn't always cause death, but at times he may take someone for reasons known only to him at the time. Sometimes it's a blessing depending on the circumstances, especially if someone is suffering horribly. But often death happens for reasons that God has nothing to do with. 

We all make choices at times, and sometimes choices may take us into a dangerous path which can either take our lives or the lives of others. It's not done on purpose of course, and it's never foreseen, it's just sometimes a result of a person's judgment that isn't always up to par, and unfortunately there are sometimes consequences. Just one mistake can change the course of a person's life forever. Many grieve along with us when we lose somebody because of those circumstances. When it comes to appealing to human nature, he can't change his natural laws for just one person.

Once he created those laws, it had to be universal for everyone, even if it meant pain and heartache at times. The collapse of the Twin Towers is a perfect example of how he could not just re-raise the structure and reverse what happened. Or more recent the shooting on a elementary school in Newton were more than twenty lives were lost, it feels that God has abandoned them. He would have had to do that with everything else as well. 

I give all of you a huge hug and encouragement. Don't ever give up. Our loved ones want us to keep going and keep their memory alive. If we do that, we will always be honoring not only their memory, but honoring them as people who were always will be important to us. As they thought us many important things in live. 

I hope your Christmas and New Year will be very prosperous and happy. Merry Christmas to all of you.

The Old Sailor,

What is wrong with us?

Dear Bloggers,

This one is for all you girls out there and I really wonder if you are aware of this or am I just too paranoia or do I have a clear view on this?  Some days I am really wondering what is happening to my kids as they learn to live the life with friends, television and Internet. And I can tell you mums and dads it is not all funny what they learn from there. Maybe my youth was a lot less complicated as we had only television during the evening hours and on Wednesday afternoon. The news that we followed was from a local newspaper.

My eight-year-old daughter came down the stairs the other day dressed as "a fairy". She had on a pink frilly tutu  kind of skirt, a pink vest that she'd rolled up like a crop top and a tiara. She also had a microphone borrowed from her older sister and a cell phone that played Justin Bieber songs.

She walked down the stairs, wiggling and waggling, and then she turned round, gave me a pout and stuck her bottom in the air. I was shocked. It seemed such a sexualised thing to do and I couldn't understand where my precious little thing had got this action from. I don't behave like that. Neither does anyone else I know.

K3 mighty populair with young girls in the Netherlands and Belgium

 

My friends suggested my daughter had got her moves from a TV show such as The X Factor. But we don't watch The X Factor. We don't really watch this kind of television at all. And my daughter only seems to like Cartoons and the girlie group K3 and, unless K3 has a friend who is a lap dancer, it's hardly come from there.

An impressive story about slavery

Yet this overt sexualisation of the female sex is inescapable. Officially we are all falling for the hottest woman in the world? Really? Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?" Just see what happened to a girl called Britney Spears and there are probably a lot more like her.

 Britney Spears

 

I am referring to Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and who ever is pictured on the front of glossy magazines wearing very little and flaunting their impressive figure. Is this right? Will my daughter grow up to think that her worth will be decided on how sexy, or not, her body is? What is going on here? I try to tell them something else that is important and yes it is hard to be something dull or nerdy.

Women, of course, have always been feted for their looks. I remember watching films with Brigitte Bardot and yes like every healthy young bloke I was glancing at her boobs. I am sure there were loads of young women back then wondering if they could become famous because of their bouncing bristols. Page three girls, glamour models, pin-ups, these have been around since the year dot. The adulation of women for being overtly sexual, or suggesting the promise of sex, has long been with us and is not going away soon. Really it is just a hoax guys.

Brigitte Bardot

 

It's the role model part of women in my youth that has changed rapidly . When I was growing up, women were encouraged to have careers, to achieve, to break through the glass ceiling. As at these days it was normal that women were housewives. Now, fame is an ambition in itself. I hear this all the time, teenage girls who tell me they want to "be famous". When I ask them "famous for what?" they look at me blankly. They really just want to Be Famous and one way of doing that is to get lucky like Katy Perry. She has made a lot of money and has a lot of famous friends. What's not to like?

Disney Princesses

 

Now, there seem to be too many women who have lost all ambition. The something-for-nothing generation is with us, and though it involves boys too, it is the lack of drive among girls that worries me most. If you can't become famous or successful without effort, Or what I think is even worse if the mum did not make her dream come through. They will push their kids in that direction. So why not marry a rich man, drive 4x4s, live in a big house, have kids, and then make them your project? And they should become mummies dream child.

Wishfull thinking

I think that:"Every woman needs to be self-sufficient .... You hear these yummy mummies talk about being the best possible mother and they put all their effort into their children. I also want to be the best possible dad, but I know that my job as a dad includes bringing my children up so actually they can live without me." And my kids should think up their own dreams and built their own future.

For my generation (I am in my mid-forties), there was no sense of just wanting to be "famous". I wanted to be all sorts of things – a pilot on a commercial airline, an fireman, a circus performer, a silly car mechanic, a soldier, a truck driver, a painter or even a waiter.

My fictitious heroes were people like Johnny Weissmuller who played the role of Tarzan and Superman played by Christopher Reeve. Although the character of Tarzan or Superman does not directly engage in violence against women, feminist scholars have critiqued the presence of other sympathetic male characters that engage in this violence with Tarzan's approval. Reinforcing a notion of gendered hierarchy where patriarchy is portrayed as the natural pinnacle of society.

Christopher Reeve as Superman

The only film stars I was interested in were people like Charley Chaplin, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, even then, they seemed mystical, magical creatures who existed only on screen. I couldn't imagine them having a real life.

 Stan and Ollie

As I grew up, my role models changed. As I read more widely, I changed my interest for movies as well. I fell in love with the story of Jane Eyre and later on with Sandra Bullock when she played in While you were sleeping. The stories are odd but somehow realistic.
My mother steered me away from the Disneyised version of heroes, most of whom have been forced in to domestication in order to become lovable. Snow White spent her time cooking and cleaning for seven infantilised men. Cinderella swept the hearth. Beauty in Beauty and the Beast looked after her father then went to look after a Beast who she ended up kissing. All of these women were saved from impoverished drudgery by a prince.

So she introduced me to literature. I read the Anne Frank Story and I started reading the book of Alex Haley called Roots, I also read V.C. Andrews book flowers in the Attic and of course Sophie’s Choice. Furthermore i read some books about the great wars from all over the planet from second world war to the war in Vietnam. I became ambitious, seeing my worth as being about what I achieved rather than how I looked. I was encouraged to be an independent person as no government should hold me back.

I loved my English teacher, Mister Kuijt, who was almost solely responsible for my love of this language and a stiff drink, and my impossibly sophisticated Dutch teacher. He learned me a lot about the dialogue and how to use it instead of fighting physically.
I will encourage my daughter to choose her role models from as wide a range as possible. I shall ask her to look towards a different type of role model.

Sandra Bullock

And there are great role models among us all, women whose lives show real purpose and achievement regardless of what they look like or the money they have. The common feature? They have worked hard, for themselves, and for others.

Johnny Weissmuller as Tarzan

So come on, ladies. You're worth more than this. You should be ambitious and driven and you should by all means have realistic role models. But let them be those truly worthy of your respect, rather than someone whose sole claim to fame is an admittedly beautiful bottom. Even though it looks nice.

The Old Sailor,