All of a sudden it was Christmas again

Dear Bloggers,

For most of us, the holiday of Christmas is often filled with food, presents, family, friends, church family maybe, and many other festive things. It's a time when we get together to remember times long past and to discuss things that are going on today, whether it's funny stories and just getting a few great laughs, or getting together most importantly to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, or to discuss world events and such. Some people don't celebrate at all, and that's OK too. Everybody has their own thing. Christmas can be a very fun holiday and a time to connect with others and to be giving generously. But for some, Christmas can be a very painful reminder of something else. That is, the loss of a loved one. . . . . . . 

Just when the holiday season had started, a family I know lost her man and father who was a very important and much loved family member in their lives to a sudden death of at present unknown causes. They were like everybody else, getting ready for the holidays and looking forward to friends and family getting together. Then the rug was pulled out from under them. Instead of joy, they are feeling intense grief at this sudden loss. Now all of a sudden their plans for Christmas will have an absent family member; husband, father, mentor and friend to so many. Almost all the 1,000 people of our little village went to the funeral to pay their respects. It goes to show what he was in life by the amount of friends he had and the respect they had for him. He earned every bit of it, and I hope he is now with the Lord. I grieve along with the family and friends, for the loss is a very big and devastating one to those of us who knew him.

Many other people have lost loved ones to horrible circumstances during the holidays. Car accidents or other kinds of accidents, suicide, homicide, a sudden or perhaps a lingering illness, and other terrible situations. During the holidays the loss can be devastating and overshadow the holiday and for some very good reasons. It's difficult to enjoy the holiday when you have suffered the loss of someone you loved more than anything during that time period, and their absence creates a void that will never again be completely filled. Christmas is now not only a holiday to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it's now a reminder of the death of a loved one. In time it may heal, but the scar will forever remain, lingering in the back of their minds. That's the very sad part of it, and I would never wish it upon anyone. 

But there is one thing I have always found in all my 44 years. Having lost loved ones myself and thinking of them during Christmas, one thing was very clear even if everything else wasn't at the time. Even though I am not much of a believer, I still think that God doesn't always cause death, but at times he may take someone for reasons known only to him at the time. Sometimes it's a blessing depending on the circumstances, especially if someone is suffering horribly. But often death happens for reasons that God has nothing to do with. 

We all make choices at times, and sometimes choices may take us into a dangerous path which can either take our lives or the lives of others. It's not done on purpose of course, and it's never foreseen, it's just sometimes a result of a person's judgment that isn't always up to par, and unfortunately there are sometimes consequences. Just one mistake can change the course of a person's life forever. Many grieve along with us when we lose somebody because of those circumstances. When it comes to appealing to human nature, he can't change his natural laws for just one person.

Once he created those laws, it had to be universal for everyone, even if it meant pain and heartache at times. The collapse of the Twin Towers is a perfect example of how he could not just re-raise the structure and reverse what happened. Or more recent the shooting on a elementary school in Newton were more than twenty lives were lost, it feels that God has abandoned them. He would have had to do that with everything else as well. 

I give all of you a huge hug and encouragement. Don't ever give up. Our loved ones want us to keep going and keep their memory alive. If we do that, we will always be honoring not only their memory, but honoring them as people who were always will be important to us. As they thought us many important things in live. 

I hope your Christmas and New Year will be very prosperous and happy. Merry Christmas to all of you.

The Old Sailor,

What is wrong with us?

Dear Bloggers,

This one is for all you girls out there and I really wonder if you are aware of this or am I just too paranoia or do I have a clear view on this?  Some days I am really wondering what is happening to my kids as they learn to live the life with friends, television and Internet. And I can tell you mums and dads it is not all funny what they learn from there. Maybe my youth was a lot less complicated as we had only television during the evening hours and on Wednesday afternoon. The news that we followed was from a local newspaper.

My eight-year-old daughter came down the stairs the other day dressed as "a fairy". She had on a pink frilly tutu  kind of skirt, a pink vest that she'd rolled up like a crop top and a tiara. She also had a microphone borrowed from her older sister and a cell phone that played Justin Bieber songs.

She walked down the stairs, wiggling and waggling, and then she turned round, gave me a pout and stuck her bottom in the air. I was shocked. It seemed such a sexualised thing to do and I couldn't understand where my precious little thing had got this action from. I don't behave like that. Neither does anyone else I know.

K3 mighty populair with young girls in the Netherlands and Belgium

 

My friends suggested my daughter had got her moves from a TV show such as The X Factor. But we don't watch The X Factor. We don't really watch this kind of television at all. And my daughter only seems to like Cartoons and the girlie group K3 and, unless K3 has a friend who is a lap dancer, it's hardly come from there.

An impressive story about slavery

Yet this overt sexualisation of the female sex is inescapable. Officially we are all falling for the hottest woman in the world? Really? Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?" Just see what happened to a girl called Britney Spears and there are probably a lot more like her.

 Britney Spears

 

I am referring to Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and who ever is pictured on the front of glossy magazines wearing very little and flaunting their impressive figure. Is this right? Will my daughter grow up to think that her worth will be decided on how sexy, or not, her body is? What is going on here? I try to tell them something else that is important and yes it is hard to be something dull or nerdy.

Women, of course, have always been feted for their looks. I remember watching films with Brigitte Bardot and yes like every healthy young bloke I was glancing at her boobs. I am sure there were loads of young women back then wondering if they could become famous because of their bouncing bristols. Page three girls, glamour models, pin-ups, these have been around since the year dot. The adulation of women for being overtly sexual, or suggesting the promise of sex, has long been with us and is not going away soon. Really it is just a hoax guys.

Brigitte Bardot

 

It's the role model part of women in my youth that has changed rapidly . When I was growing up, women were encouraged to have careers, to achieve, to break through the glass ceiling. As at these days it was normal that women were housewives. Now, fame is an ambition in itself. I hear this all the time, teenage girls who tell me they want to "be famous". When I ask them "famous for what?" they look at me blankly. They really just want to Be Famous and one way of doing that is to get lucky like Katy Perry. She has made a lot of money and has a lot of famous friends. What's not to like?

Disney Princesses

 

Now, there seem to be too many women who have lost all ambition. The something-for-nothing generation is with us, and though it involves boys too, it is the lack of drive among girls that worries me most. If you can't become famous or successful without effort, Or what I think is even worse if the mum did not make her dream come through. They will push their kids in that direction. So why not marry a rich man, drive 4x4s, live in a big house, have kids, and then make them your project? And they should become mummies dream child.

Wishfull thinking

I think that:"Every woman needs to be self-sufficient .... You hear these yummy mummies talk about being the best possible mother and they put all their effort into their children. I also want to be the best possible dad, but I know that my job as a dad includes bringing my children up so actually they can live without me." And my kids should think up their own dreams and built their own future.

For my generation (I am in my mid-forties), there was no sense of just wanting to be "famous". I wanted to be all sorts of things – a pilot on a commercial airline, an fireman, a circus performer, a silly car mechanic, a soldier, a truck driver, a painter or even a waiter.

My fictitious heroes were people like Johnny Weissmuller who played the role of Tarzan and Superman played by Christopher Reeve. Although the character of Tarzan or Superman does not directly engage in violence against women, feminist scholars have critiqued the presence of other sympathetic male characters that engage in this violence with Tarzan's approval. Reinforcing a notion of gendered hierarchy where patriarchy is portrayed as the natural pinnacle of society.

Christopher Reeve as Superman

The only film stars I was interested in were people like Charley Chaplin, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, even then, they seemed mystical, magical creatures who existed only on screen. I couldn't imagine them having a real life.

 Stan and Ollie

As I grew up, my role models changed. As I read more widely, I changed my interest for movies as well. I fell in love with the story of Jane Eyre and later on with Sandra Bullock when she played in While you were sleeping. The stories are odd but somehow realistic.
My mother steered me away from the Disneyised version of heroes, most of whom have been forced in to domestication in order to become lovable. Snow White spent her time cooking and cleaning for seven infantilised men. Cinderella swept the hearth. Beauty in Beauty and the Beast looked after her father then went to look after a Beast who she ended up kissing. All of these women were saved from impoverished drudgery by a prince.

So she introduced me to literature. I read the Anne Frank Story and I started reading the book of Alex Haley called Roots, I also read V.C. Andrews book flowers in the Attic and of course Sophie’s Choice. Furthermore i read some books about the great wars from all over the planet from second world war to the war in Vietnam. I became ambitious, seeing my worth as being about what I achieved rather than how I looked. I was encouraged to be an independent person as no government should hold me back.

I loved my English teacher, Mister Kuijt, who was almost solely responsible for my love of this language and a stiff drink, and my impossibly sophisticated Dutch teacher. He learned me a lot about the dialogue and how to use it instead of fighting physically.
I will encourage my daughter to choose her role models from as wide a range as possible. I shall ask her to look towards a different type of role model.

Sandra Bullock

And there are great role models among us all, women whose lives show real purpose and achievement regardless of what they look like or the money they have. The common feature? They have worked hard, for themselves, and for others.

Johnny Weissmuller as Tarzan

So come on, ladies. You're worth more than this. You should be ambitious and driven and you should by all means have realistic role models. But let them be those truly worthy of your respect, rather than someone whose sole claim to fame is an admittedly beautiful bottom. Even though it looks nice.

The Old Sailor,

Employment contracts: What are they good for?

Dear Bloggers,

The company I work for decided to place all the temps under one temps office instead of three also the ones on payroll are swapped. It is all about money of course So guess who will be ....... We’re on a simplification kick at this moment as our dear managers want to have a better overview. As they grow, they’re trying to simplify their jobs even more. (earn the same money with doing less.) Growth generally brings complexity, but let us see if we can go in the other direction with this bunch. There are more clowns at this circus as I thought.

Questioning assumptions

Simplification usually starts with questioning assumptions. Why do they do this? Why do we need this? Is this really necessary? Is it just inertia? Are they doing it because that’s how they’ve always done it or are they doing it because it’s better? Are they just following conventional wisdom or is there newer wisdom and we should be considering?

Why do we need employment contracts?

One of the things I am beginning to question are employment contracts. When a new employee starts with a temps office, they will make them sign a employment contract. The contract was drawn up by a bunch of bloodsucking lawyers and is corrected every so many years by them, so there are no incremental costs each time they bring on a new employee, but is that good enough reason to keep this going?

The contract itself is about five pages. It outlines some basic responsibilities they have to the employee and the employee has to the company. Starting salary, an overview of benefits, vacation time, confidentiality, and general expectations on both sides. But that’s really only a paragraph or two. Everything else is legal-cover-your-ass-speak. 

Like most contracts, it’s basically a big “I don’t trust you and you don’t trust me” document. What a terrible way to welcome someone to the team isn’t it?
How often are these things actually enforced in a business like the one I am working for? And if people aren’t really enforcing them, why are we writing/signing them anyway? “Just in case” feels like a pretty weak argument to go through all the cost, trouble, and rigamarole. Is “Imagine if someone…” enough reason to have the first step we take with a new team member covered in legal mud? 

No it is this bloody law that we have that was only made to protect the employee. But now they are abusing this law by kicking you out after 3½ years. And after half a year you can return and start a t scratch. Hooray for the Dutch law it is far too complicated even for lawyers.

What if it would become a handshake company?

So I’ve been thinking… What if we could kick away all these employment contracts entirely? What if they became a handshake company? Plenty of small companies work this way, why can’t we? Aside from each person’s salary, we could post all our responsibilities and their responsibilities on the web. So everyone has the same work conditions and only a minimum of hours is stated and of course you agree to at least half a year of employment with them. 

Maybe it is time to change the law and let the unions make up the agreement so for both parties things will be square and fair. They could make a ”/workinghere” page at their own website that clearly lays out what employees can expect from the company and what the company expects from the employees. So if you cannot live up to the standards there is no need to send in your application or to work here at all. It could be build on a easy to hire, easy to fire base. It could be a living document too. Things change, benefits change, rules change. That’s just how it goes. Especially in these hard times of economic downturn we need to be creative. 

You read it, we shake hands, and we start working together. In the event that it doesn’t work out, we ask you to leave or you quit. Of course there should be terms of conditions about it. (Something like 7 or 14 days to resign or being signed off for both parties in the first year, a month after two years and so on.) There should be a maximum on it of three months. 

And the company has to help you to find something else if they need to lay you off  due to economical hard times or retrenchments made by third parties that need to cut back. That’s how it is anyway employment in the Netherlands and the rest of Europe is at-will. Every employment contract I’ve seen includes a line about at-will employment. So what are the dozens of other paragraphs really for?

In this day and age it seems crazy to even consider ditching employment contracts, but why? Why have we become so dependent on lawyers to control every relationship inside our companies? Why is “just in case” the default answer when asking questions about contracts? It sounds more like insurance than legal counsel. 

And the hardly anyone is having a heart for the company anymore. The world of employers should be more transparant new innovative products should be more often used as the costs for sick personel are sky high.  Why carry cash when you can pay with your phone our buy a prepaid ticket there is no need anymore for physical tickets. If you are being mugged you are traumatized for the rest of your life.

What’s your experience?

What are your experiences with employment contracts? If you own a business, do you require employment contracts? If you are an employee somewhere, have you signed a contract? Has anyone here ever had to actually sue or litigate an issue specifically related to an employment contract? If you’re an employee, do you feel more or less comfortable joining a company that makes you sign a legal contract? Did you have your contract checked by a union. Does anyone feel good about signing these things? I don’t but what is your opninion?

                                                                      


I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts about this subject.

The Old Sailor,

She's running me through the emotional washer

Dear Bloggers,

I am probably not the only bloke on earth that has issues in his marriage and therefor the raging fire in me has died out to a minimized glow like charcoal after a night on the barbeque.

Do not see it as complaining about my life in general it has been a rocky road but it was not that bad as we always had eachother. After my wife had some counseling therapy by being offended by her team manager she suddenly started to change and stood up for herself. She got in her first fight with one of her siblings who could not deal with the situation as she gave up on being the weak one and apoligize for something that wasn’t even her fault. But it is hard to change people’s manners after letting them do it for nearly fourty years. The second one that came into the shooting range was our sitter who blew out all the fuses when she implemented that our kids were lieing and cheating to her daughter. She came to talk about it when our daughter was still up. So my wife turned her down and got angry with her and told her too leave. As she struggled back she kicked her out. She was quite surprised by the anger that she had in her. I got the feeling that i am the next one in line. Like many others out there,

 

I originally post about my marriage but from now on it will be my sexless marriage and as I may hope I will receive comforting and thoughtful replies. After reading a lot about how people change after counceling and having lengthy conversations with my wife, I have a greater knowledge and understanding as to what has caused my marriage to be sexless.

Come to find out, there are multiple reasons I am sexless as it is not only her fault there is a lot of it caused by me.

Resentment, she resents me for a few of the financial decisions I've made that have set us back a few years. She is struggling with being able to put these behind her. These seem to be the most engrained issue affecting our relationship. The Tax office is not our friend at the moment as we made a mistake somewhere they want a hell lot of many back.

Low testosterone I recently had blood work done and I am low on testosterone. So far, no problem for me, but somehow it makes me feel dis-comfortable as it gets more and more an obsession to me. I have less and less erotic feelings left as I am only up to one thing and that is disturbing the whole thing, I guess. She got her medication changed to feel better as she is suffering from........... It made her breasts tender to the touch. It caused her to stay in bed one morning as it tyres her out.

Overall she has low desire for me, I just don't think she finds me all that attractive any longer. She did say that I am kind of boring because I never flirt with her. I think that is my own protective buildup from the years of rejection...why flirt with someone that will shut you out when it's supposed to be play time?

I was a Nice Guy, up until a couple of weeks ago, I was the poster child of Nice Guys...there have been books written about me (at least they hit the nail on the head).

Over the course of the past two weeks, I have read three books, The Five Love Languages, No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer. She has read the Five Love Languages. We both understand that we each speak a different love language, but just addressing that issue isn't going to solve my problems anytime soon.

Nearly 15 years of marriage, 20 years being together, the sex and overall excitement in our relationship has continued to diminish where I am now absolutely miserable as it currently stands.

She had an appointment this morning for her second set of counselings, but oops...she forgot about the appointment. I asked her if she was going to reschedule and she replied, "yea, but really don't want these kind of therapy." During our conversations over the weekend, when we would touch on an issue where neither one of us had an immediate answer, I suggested she bring that to the attention of her counselor when she next meets with her this coming Frisday. She told me she didn't think she could talk with her anymore. 

So, I ask myself...Am I pushing the issue of our sexless marriage too quickly, all of a sudden out of thin air? Is she feeling overwhelmed with all I have thrown at her the past couple of weeks and need to allow her a bit more time to absorb it all?
Everything came to a head Saturday night, when after a bit of talking and getting a sense of each of us understanding each other a bit better, I mentioned to her I had a desire to do her. She said that would never happen, so I told her if she didn't want to try, I would not press the issue. I accept her not wanting to do it...end of story. 

Well, it should have been the end of the story, but then sometime around 3AM, I wake with some killer heartburn from the things I ate earlier. She is well awake and starts arguing about this and that and that now she has to comply with doing it.......blah, blah, blah. I told her that she already voiced her opinion of it and I have dropped it, never to be mentioned ever again.

But she won't let it go...acting like she has to comply or my sex life won't be fulfilling. I told her it wasn't a big deal...was just a fantasy and it can remain a fantasy, as I have no desire to force her compliance with anything. She is the one with a hangup about it and she should let it go, as she will never hear anything about it from me again. I think she saw this as an angle where she has reason to be upset with me, but since I didn't press the issue, she was attempting to keep it at the surface so there is reason to continue our sexless lifestyle...all because she has a crutch to use against me.

The following morning, I spelled it all out for her...either we resolve our differences and create a loving, caring, fulfilling relationship where we are both happy, or we should divorce and go our separate ways. I refuse to continue our relationship where resentment and lack of desire fill the air. Her first reaction was how she would lose her comforting surroundings and where to put all her furniture, because she would have no place to store them. Another comment in the night before was that I couldn't kick her out to the street corner because she currently does have a  straight job and the half of what we own is hers. Like as if I am stupid and would not know this but am I supposed to feel any sympathy or what???

Basically, at this point, I am waiting on her...sure I have a few things I need to work on, like flirting and being more Alpha, but most is on her to change. She needs to figure out how to let her resentments go...I have already reassured her about my job and that I promised to stay in the working field and not deviate as I had in the past. She needs to get her hormones balanced out...I can't do this for her. How much time is enough time to get these things in order? Do I set a timeline and vocalize it to her, or keep it to myself and just watch the progress, if there is any?

As it currently stands, if there are no improvements/participation on her part, I don't ever see this as fixable. I don't want this to be a thing of me continually hoping things will get better and her using it as a way to hijack my sex life, all so she can continue to be my live-in maid. At least that is how it feels as I am only here to feed some hungry mouths and do some cleaning. Let us see how this will evolve?

The Old Sailor,