It started with a kiss.....

Dear Bloggers,

This one I am writing especially for my beloved wife, who walked into my life 16 years ago and still I am having a hard time to express my feelings to her.
I am really surprised that we are still together as I am not the easiest person to live with.
Sometimes I am stubborn like hell and I am not the most caring guy in the world.
Somehow she must either really like me, or is she still in love with me?
I feel so lucky that I have met a woman like her.



Who shows her cares, respects, love ..to me.
Furthermore we got two beautiful girls, and they are not always easy to handle when daddy is away.
I must admit that I am having a different life as I am away, but if one of them is sick it is me that also doesn’t sleep and feels powerless.
I feel like it is a miracle that I met a girl who understands my feelings though I never express or let her know my feelings...
I don't know how she understands..
I never wanted to open my heart since I used to have a heartbroken experience.
I am so afraid to open my heart again...before I met this girl, I always concentrated on the things that kept me busy and try to find my dream job..
I always believed that true love would come to me one day....
Always tried to be strong and ignore all her love and compassion...
But for this special girl, I couldn't just force myself anymore.
I couldn't concentrate on my job anymore; I don't know what was going on in my heart...



My brain was covered with butterflies, she knows when I am sad, tired or even hungry...most of the people don't understand me like her because I always try to smile no matter if I feel sad or anything....always try to hide my feelings and make others think that I am strong.
She mentioned that I have a beautiful smile
The other day, while I walked out, she walked after me and opened the door for her with a smile which made her feel like a princess (I still don't understand why I acted like this, but sometimes I hope that a little bit of these feelings would return.)
But that's not why I admired her... it was just a guy's way to attract a girl.....there were more things that she has done for me, I was not the only one having a bad past experience...
In one occasion, (I don't want to specify the occasion), this girl gave me a warm feeling and a kiss on my cheek.



I didn't know why I let her kiss me because I always tried to avoid any kind of love relation.
She always made me smiling and I couldn't stop myself.
This is how our relation kicked off, and in the beginning I was head over heels, but somewhere my brain took a wrong turn.
The gentleman in me had disappeared and a more and more, our relationship started to crumble.
The only one in this case to blame is myself, or am I wrong?



Now it seems like I lost my strength, I feel like that something in me has changed...
Why do I keep thinking about her all the time?
I still try to keep myself busy with my job, but still...I am asking myself numerous times the following questions:
"Where is my strength?" and "Where is my confidence?"
And of course "Where is my dream job?" and "Where did that deeply loving person go?"
I have to do what I promised myself...but my heart is still asking for true love....where is my true love?
I know that I am still young in a way....anyway, thank you so much, dear, for always loving and caring about me until now.
I know that you never heard me say these words to you because my heart just couldn't open for anyone.
I really wish we could try to find the key to open it but maybe it was so hard for you to understand this mysterious guy.



All the words I want to let you know just don't come out.....I really wish there is someone out there could understand what my heart is saying, but now I am sitting here alone thinking of those memorable things you've done for me.
I will always love you and thank you again even you couldn't hear it but I hope there is a little miracle.
I really hope that the magic feeling is coming back to me once more as my heart is still fully in love with you.
I know I have to move on with my life, I know I have to be strong, tomorrow I have to go to work again and have to concentrate on my job
It's 2:30am and couldn't manage to sleep...still keep thinking of you.....still keep writing......do I need to have love??
Do I really need to tell you, all the time that I love you??
Please tell me what I should decide to do?



I am really trying to listen to you and not hurt your feelings, but believe me that it is never my intention to hurt you.
Of course I would love to become the man again, that I was in the beginning.
Somewhere inside of me, my feelings got blocked.
Forgive me for who I am, as it is not something simple that I can change.
You are the love of my life.......and no one can change that feeling.
I put on the cd of Rod Stewart and drift away on the beautiful song that was written by Van Morrison, "Have I Told you lately that I love you." here are the lyrics so you can sing along (but do it gently) when you find the song on youtube.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Oh the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
And you fill my life with laughter
You can make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
Like the sun at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
And it shines like the sun
At the end of the day we will give thanks
And pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Take away my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that's what you do
Fill my life with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do.

Goodnight to you all.....wherever you are.

The Old Sailor,

Enjoy life while it is there

Dear Bloggers,

I used to wonder why I was me.
Why wasn't I that rich guy?
Why wasn't I smart? Why wasn't I attractive?
Why? Why? Why?
It took me nearly 40 years to find out all those things were only my choice of thoughts.
I hope it doesn't take you that long.
It really matters very little what your friends, teachers, parents, etc. think or believe about you.
Because you are you, it is your opinion that counts.
You don't need the validation of others.
But you do need the acceptance, love and validation of yourself.

Life's one choice after another,then you live them, choose wisely.

Life is a series of linear events.
A chain of choices about those events, leading to other events.
Never ending cycles of pain and pleasure for learning and growth.
When the sun shines, it shines on everyone.
When it rains, it rains on all.
Every single person will experience at some point during their lifetime: tragedy, failure, depression and hopelessness.
They will also experience: joy, happiness, success and unconditional love.
We live in a world of duality.
There is a reason for it.



Some people master the rollercoaster ride life offers them, and some don't.
Why?
It is an easy question to answer.
The successful ones believe in themselves and their ability to win.
While the others feel overwhelmed by life's ambivalences.
They do so because their fearful thoughts keep them frozen in indecision, unable to make progress, due to fear of failure.
If they only knew that "they were not their thoughts" improvement would be certain.



The reasons for feeling negative about yourself are numerous.
Growing up in a disfunctional family.
The criticism of inexperienced teachers.
Comparing yourself to, and competing with, others.
Holding unrealistic expectations of performance and many more.
The reasons don't matter, they're history.
What matters is now.
This present moment.
What do you do now to change your life.



First of all.
Realize that "you are not your thoughts."
Your thoughts are under your control at all times.
There are no exceptions to this.
People do not make you angry; you allow yourself to become angry.
People do not depress you; you depress yourself.
Your emotions are controlled by you and you alone.
Quit reacting to others in a knee-jerk fashion and start thinking.



I will hope that I at least can rescue one from doom thinking, as it is not worth it.
Just keep only this on thing in mind as it this the phrase that I like the most.

”Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

If you are old, you should not do these things

Dear Bloggers,

I fell over skating at the Natural Ice rink close to my home at the end of the day of the 8th of januari.
After a few hours my hand started swelling up and I called the doctor’s office and they asked me to come down.
I took my bycycle and took off, a painful experience and I could hardly get my glove of my wrist when I arrived.



Due to a miscommunication among the doctor’s and drouzed by a mix of endorfines and painkillers, I had been waiting for about an hour.
The doctor apolagized and started to diagnose my hand and wrist.
As she was not 100% sure, I consequently ended up in the Emergency room at the Hospital of Heerenveen on a cold winter's evening where a sprained wrist was diagnosed and treated.



The long wait at Emergency room was to be expected but nonetheless was pretty unpleasant.(3 hours having pain and it was pretty busy)
The service was short-staffed but as always staff were excellent and pleasant in spite of being under enormous pressure.
It would have been more comfortable if the coffee machine was also available for patients, but if you need to be operated you might get sick of it.
My brother in law and I were both very tired after the funny ride we had to the hospital.
As the car broke down on the way, one of the transmission belts snapped.
We called the roadservice and they told us it might take up to an hour before they would reach us.
Not very funny standing next to the highway in the freezing cold, with a painful wrist.
A friendly country man stopped in front of the car and asked if he could help us, and he gave me a lift to the emergency room.



My accident experience continued with week later appointment to the surgeons clinic and after getting the cast off, I was advised to take it easy on my wrist the coming weeks.
After four weeks in total I will be out of plaster and able to start to get back to a normal life!
I am managing well and my wrist function is much better than I ever thought possible so soon after my accident.




I start working again as soon as my shift is coming up and I simply have to take it easy, if I am to enthousiastic my wrist and hand will for sure let me know.
The pain is my guide in this case.
This has been very greatly appreciated as I have two children aged 9 and 4 and I'm employed on easy-to-hire-easy-to fire contract (so not much chance of a sick note leading to time off!).



Overall my experience has been very positive (apart from the emergency room) and I am ever grateful to the hospital for excellent staff who are pleasant, efficient and caring under immense pressure.
Eventhough it was busy there was time to have a good laugh.
(If you loose your sence of humor, you loose everything.)

The Old Sailor,

Everything to avoid a winter depression

Dear Bloggers,

When we opened the curtains this morning, the world around us was covered in snow.
My kids were excited, but I start too hate the down parts of this beautiful scenery, instead of enjoying it, but somehow I can’t anymore.
As my wife has to go by car to work, she had to leave early as the forecast was not to good this morning.
There were a lot of accidents reported due to slippery roads and places where they had to deal with glazed frost, they even have closed certain highways because of these so called glaze on the roads.
Gritting was impossible for a few hours.



Tomorrow my kids go ice skating on natural ice, even though the temperatures are rising a bit above zero.
It has been freezing pretty hard for a few nights, strange enough they are having lower temperatures in the south of my country.
I think that I will see my daughter for the first time on ice skates.
As the winters were not that good the last few years.
I am looking forward to see her hassling with her skates, I have explained her that ice skating is about enjoying yourself and not about how great you are.



We've officially entered the hard months, although the days are getting slightly longer, the "dark ages" as the midshipmen at the Naval Academy say: the time of the year when the sun disappears and the pale complexions of your friends remind you that you better take your vitamins or else you'll have a cold to go with your pasty look.
I fear winter each year because many of my depression busters require sunny skies and temperatures in the 20°C.
What does a guy who walks, swims and bikes do for sanity in the winter?
Lots of things.
Here are a few of them:

Careful with sugar.
I think our body gets the cue just before Saint Nicholas that it will be hibernating for a few months, so it needs to ingest everything edible in sight.
And I'm convinced the snow somehow communicates to the human brain the need to consume every kind of chocolate available in the house.
We are mammals, yes, so do we think we need an extra layer of fat in the winter to keep us warm?
I'm starting to think so.
Depressives and addicts need to be especially careful with sweets because the addiction to sugar and white-flour products is very real and physiological, affecting the same biochemical systems in your body as other drugs like heroin.
Your relationship to sweet things is operating on a cellular level.
It is more powerful than you have realized....What you eat can have a huge effect on how you feel."

Give something back.
Ghandi once wrote that "the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
I believe that a sense of purpose--committing oneself to a noble mission--and acts of altruism are strong antidotes to depression.
The winter months are a good time to do this because the need is greater, the holiday spirit ideally lasts until February, and you don't have the excuse of attending family picnics, unless you live in a sunny southbound country.

Go to sports rehab
Don't let the cold weather be an excuse not to sweat.
We have centers today called "gyms" where people exercise inside!
Granted, it's not the same--watching the news or listening to the soundtrack from "Rocky" as you run in place as opposed to jogging along wooded paths with a view of the bay.
But you accomplish the goal: a heart rate over 140 beats a minute.
The gym is also a kind of support group for me.
These people, I'm guessing, are going after the endorphin buzz just like me because alcohol and recreational drugs don't do the trick anymore.
And, like moi, I suspect that they also have great difficulty meditating.
Every time they close their eyes, they have visions of screaming kids, which are running around the house, bored by playing inside.



Wear bright colours.
I have no research supporting this theory, but I'm quite convinced there is a link between feeling optimistic and sporting bright colours.
It's in line with "faking it 'til you make it," desperate attempts to trick your brain into thinking that it's sunny and beautiful outside--time to celebrate Spring!--even though it's a blizzard with sleet causing some major traffic jams.
Personally, I tend to wear dark colours everyday in the winter.
It's supposed to make you look thinner.
But the result is that I appear as if and feel like I'm going to a funeral every afternoon between the months of November and March.
This isn't good.
Not for a person hardwired to stress and worry and get depressed when it's cold.
So I make a conscious effort to wear bright red, purple, blue, and yellow, and sometimes--if I'm in a rush--all of them together!



Force yourself to go outside.
I realize that the last thing you want to do when it's below zero degrees outside and the roads are slushy is to head outside for a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood.
It's much more fun to cuddle up with a good novel or make chocolate chip cookies and enjoy them with a hot cup of Chocolate.
On many winter days--especially in late January and early February when my brain is done with the darkness--I have to literally force myself outside, however brief. Because even on cloudy and overcast days, your mood can benefit from exposure to sunlight.
Midday light, especially, provides Vitamin D to help boost your limbic system, the emotional center of the brain.
And there is something so healing about connecting with nature, even if it's covered in snow.

Head South
Granted, this solution isn't free, especially if you live in Friesland.
But you do not need to travel the most expensive way, to transplant your body and mind to a sunny spot for a few days.
Just try to schedule your yearly vacation the last week of January or the first week of February so that it breaks up the winter and so that I have something to look forward to in those depressing weeks following the holidays.



Take up a project.
There's no time like winter to start a home project, like clearing out the mess or purging all the old clothes in your kids' closets.
When a friend of mine was going through a tough time, she painted her entire house--every room downstairs with two different colours.
And it looked professional!
Not only did it help distract her from her problems, but it provided her with a sense of accomplishment that she desperately needed those months, something to feel good about as she saw other things crumble around her.
Projects like organizing bookshelves, shredding old tax returns, and cleaning out the garage are perfect activities for the dreary months of the year.
And hey, most of them are free!



Challenge yourself.
My mood can often be lifted by meeting a new challenge--an activity that is formidable enough to keep my attention, but easy enough to do when my brain is moody.
Learning how to record and edit video blogs, for this guy who is not that good, with this kind of technology, turned out to be great fun.
I try to stretch myself in a small way every winter--whether it is taking a drawing course, researching the genetics of mood disorders, or trying to build myself a website.
It keeps my brain from freezing, like the rest of my body.

Light a candle.
If I counted up all the minutes I've spent staring into a flame, I wonder how many years of my life that would be.
Certainly more than the hours I've spent brushing my teeth or combing my hair.
It would probably even surpass the combination of bath and shower time.
For some reason I assume “That my brain spinning’s” are coming out better if I stick my face in a hot glowing body of flame.
The scarlet blaze generates a feeling of hope, of a fragile but fierce voice, that whispers: "you're not off the hook yet...hang in there."

The Old Sailor,

A happy start of 2009

Dear Bloggers,

Welcome back in 2009, and now the happy eating days are over.
It is every year the same that you think maybe this year I am gone lose some weight as the last days of 2008 were passing with loads of delicious food.
And I am not sure if I gained any weight but in my case, I can loose several kilo’s anyway.

Every year again I am making the resolution to loose a bit of weight and gain a bit of happiness.
It seems that fat people are happier than thin ones.
The studies have concluded that:

Thin people are much more likely to commit suicide than large ones (suicide decrease by 15 percent for each 5kg per square meter increase in BMI - body mass index);

As the BMI rose the risk of depression decrease;

Fat people are more jovial and content than skinny ones;

Not fatness alone cause people to be happier, but increase in body mass index (fat & muscle mass) which, think researchers, is correlated with insulin resistance, and insulin associated with serotonin - the feel-good hormone.



So increase in your BMI determine a rise in the quantity of serotonin in your body, which leads to a happy state.
What if we think this causal chain conversely - fat people are happier not because of fat but they get fat because they are jovial, cheerful and content.
Because they see life and all what happen to them in a more optimistic way.
This can be a “vicious circle”, we don’t know which one happen first: happiness or fatness.
And we may say that if we are happy then we get a little fat, and if we got fat then our level of happiness rise, this new level of happiness will determine a new increase of our weight, and so on. Here rise two questions: Which one occur first? When stops this causal chain?

I think it’s a matter of balance, if we fall in one of these extremes we can’t be happy at all.
One may say that even if fat people are happier than thin ones, the latter ones are more healthier, good-looking and physically active than first ones.



Obese people can’t be happy even if they live in a juice of serotonin.
How may they be if their health suffer a lot, if they don’t look very good, and aren’t physically active (physical exercise and activity correlate strongly with happiness)?! Very skinny people can’t be happy either. Their level of serotonin is too low, health isn’t too good, whole energy level is low.

The middle way was always the golden way.
The fit people (naturally or through light and regularly exercises) aren’t too fat but have enough fat and muscle mass to be happy.
They aren’t too skinny but are thin enough to be healthy, to look great and to be physically active.



Yes, lets hope that fat will become muscles, and still being able to enjoy a little bit of a happy life.
And let’s hope that we all gain something else extra instead of weight.

In my case, I’m not entirely satisfied with how I did.
I did grow in some aspects of my life, but the growth wasn’t as good as it should be.
In certain ways, I was distracted here and there.
On the other hand, I’m glad because I learned some good lessons and that will help me for the years to come.

It’s amazing to see how fast time goes by.
Don’t waste your time next year.
Make it a year of difference.

The Old Sailor,