Looking for the "One" is useless

Dear Bloggers,

My life had many ups and downs and also my love live has been all over the place. Every break up is different and from all of them I've learned something. I gave up love for a while as I was so heartbroken and did not believe in relationships anymore. I cried my heart out and could not se the future at that point and fully out of the blue, I met my lovely wife. And yes we are still beautiful people eventhough we aged and got wrinkles our hearts are still bouncing. I am still madly in love and she is the best I have. let's hope that it will last forever.

The feeling of being in love is the best. When you meet someone and have that instant spark. You hit it off right from the start and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. When hours of being together feel like minutes. When you can get an hour of sleep and still feel high on life the next day. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty when we feel like you’ve met “the one” (finally!). You start fantasizing about the future together and are convinced that the other person is on the same page you are. It went on for weeks and in your opinion life couldn't get any better.
And then it ended.

And you were not only heartbroken, but shocked because it seemed so right and you don’t understand what went wrong.
Contrary to what romantic comedies made us believe, this is actually fairly common and not necessarily a bad thing.

I know that is not comforting if you are in the pain of a break-up, but stay with me because understanding why the one you thought was going to be forever ended may offer you some relief.

What I have seen over and over again with friends is that they meet someone who has all the qualities that they have dreamed about, and they are so happy when they are with that person. And then the relationship ends often in a very abrupt way or because of uncontrollable or unchangeable circumstances. It almost feels like the person is literally being taken away. Well they kind of are – and for a good reason, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Why does a relationship that feels so right end? So that you can truly see what is so amazingly “right” about you.

I’ll explain…

Just as people are here to teach us where we have judgments and unresolved issues, they are also here to illuminate what is so amazing about ourselves that we are not acknowledging, owning and experiencing. If you have been with someone you thought was the one, you probably found certain qualities about him or her incredibly attractive. You also may have said, “She brought out the best in me!” Exactly. He or she did bring out the best of you, but it’s your job to keep it going. They fulfilled their spiritual agreement with you by attracting you with their awesome qualities to reflect to you what you are not seeing about yourself. And by triggering the best inside of you so you could have the experience of your awesomeness. But it wasn’t their job to stay.

When she was around I felt beautiful and confident. She consistently told me that and she did things that made me feel that way. I loved her so much and treated her with love, respect and kindness. Now that she was gone, my confidence has tumbled to it's lowest point ever. and I was desperately attempting to figure out what I did wrong.
She did not do anything wrong (and neither did you if you were can relate to any part of her story). Sometimes the Universe sometimes “reassigns” a person to support you in fully integrating what they were reflecting inside of you, and to protect you from a co-dependent relationship. For example, if you were really attracted to their creativity or drive, one of their gifts to you was to inspire you to reconnect with your creativity or drive.

Or as in my case, before our relationship I never felt really beautiful and had very little self-confidence. I just filled a void that had been empty for nearly 5 years. In order for her to fully step into her own beauty and confidence she is now faced with the opportunity to fill the void herself.

We cannot see in another what we don’t have inside ourselves. If you feel like the person brought out a quality of yours like creativity, you are incorrect. They merely triggered what has been sleeping inside of you. No one else can make us do anything that we aren’t already. If the person were still there, you would not be as motivated to be the things you miss about them or the version of you that you were with them.

Remember no one is the “one” because everyone is the one. Every single person you have a relationship with (and I don’t just mean that romantically) is a soul mate because they are teaching you soul lessons. We all are mirrors and teachers for each other to learn our life and write new pages in our book of life.

I understand that nothing feels quite as devastating as not being able to be with the one you thought she or he was the “one.” What would be devastating is never truly integrating the amazing qualities you saw or experienced with or in that other person. You were not rejected, their future was just reassigned.

The purpose of any relationship is for our learning and to grow in love. Both for another and for ourselves. It is not necessarily to be together forever, as this is not realistic as some lose the love of their live due to an accident or a terrible disease. It should make us happy, or fulfill any void in our lives. I encourage you to move through the pain that you have and get to the purpose of your relationship. Begin to see how it served you and learn something from it.

Trust that although the physical presence of a person may not be there anymore, the qualities you loved about them belong to you. What you love about them is still inside of you.

You bring out the best in you. It’s there. Stop looking for it in the eyes or arms of another. And when you bring out the best in you then you will be able to share it with someone who brings out the best in themselves, too. 

No more wondering if someone else is the “one”. You are the one you have been looking for.

The Old Sailor,


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