How to stay in balance

Dear Bloggers,

The happiness season is on our doorstep again and this will be the second Christmas with my spouse who is suffering from PTSD. Our family is dealing with the situation and our eldest daughter is together with me the ones that give informal care. I have had a couple of comments come to me about “balance”, and a few made me realize that there is more to talk about regarding this subject.

First of all I have to add my note here…I am not a doctor of any sort or in any medical field, the information I bring to you is based on our personal experiences, opinions, and what we have learned along the way in this life journey. I am simply a spouse and a caregiver of one with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and other medical conditions… that brings awareness and support to others through our personal lives.

Balance is a word that I want to use a lot. Okay, more than a lot, more like all of the time, it’s extremely important to me and more than just a word, it’s a part of life. It’s a word that in reality years ago I did not even think about, and sure had no need to use that word as everything was running smoothly (so I thought), I did not realize that it was even something that existed when it came to “life”… or was needed. When I heard others use the words “balance” and “energy”, was another, I just tossed them to the side, “What? I don’t need those!” I was one of those people just like many others that just loved life, and life was something you just lived. So why would I need this thing called “balance” ? It was just another word, that back then, I myself dismissed. I was working like a mad man some days about sixteen hours and always with a smile.

After PTSD and other mental conditions became a part of our lives, I learned really fast what “unbalance” was! That foot-loose, carefree, just love and live life to it’s fullest person I was, changed! All of a sudden everything in life became serious, things happening brought an urgency, and along with that came worry, anxiety, panic, discomfort, fear, emotional hurt, and the list could keep going. That’s what I myself was experiencing, and I’m not the one with PTSD, my spouse is! None of these things were me, they hurt, and I had to find this crazy thing called balance again. Then, take all of those things my spouse did like cleaning house and paying bills, taxes and making phone calls to companies that messed up their own administration. For those who never done this kind of tasks, I can tell you it is a lot, NO, that’shoukd be overwhelmingly a lot!

It took a life experience, okay we had many experiences to the point it seemed like we were in total new period in our life and it was on the dark side of it, for me to realize and start understanding that life does indeed NEED a kind of balance. It does not matter if your life is great or your life is like hell, that term “balance” and putting it to use, can really change things.

Let me back up for a second, I used the term “hell”. I do not use or say that word very often. So if you hear it, it’s serious and here’s my view of what that means. It is the deepest, darkest, no view of a way out, You've been dropped in a black hole, you will fall in where no matter how hard you struggle it will bring you to your knees. There’s no light, there’s no hope, and that place will push you to want to give up. A place lacking balance. Okay, that’s “hell” to me, you get my point. Thank God, I am an old army guy and theres only one way even your wounded partner needs to go there and that is going forward.

I was recently told, “I’m glad you found and have a balance in your relationship, wish we had that…” I stopped what I was doing when I heard that, and I really sat back and thought about it and the way it was used in this particular sentence. I did not take it in a negative way, but the way it was said was a little misleading of a thought to what balance is for us. As well as what it takes and what comes with it.

Balance is not something that you get or find, and then it just stays there. Balance takes constant work, a lot of energy and time, effort, it takes a “give and take” when it comes to the relationship, which is difficult with someone having PTSD it is a real part of life. And there are times, many times, that balance is not present and we have to work to get it back, or some sort of back that we can manage and live with, for whatever length of time it remains.

Then there is still the fact that I am in a caregiver role, My spouse has very real life mental conditions to where I have to help as there are a lot of challenges, which means there is not and will not be an equal balance in our relationship. Again we had to find a balance that was comfortable for us, and continue working on balance itself. I had to let go of what was our balance or normal before the mental conditions. The brain and the way it functions now, does not allow for an equal balance, it’s something we continue to work on. That acceptance is what helps us have a balance. Living with mental illness is tough enough without adding to the burden of illness the pain of rejection and stigma.

At the moment there are no high expectations, or an expectation that things will be equal again, the only expectations at hand are that we can make it work together. It is a constant effort, as well as neither of us giving up on each other or giving in to PTSD. Balance is not something that comes easy, it does take hard work and effort, as well as keeping in mind that her brain does not function like it used to. Which again, is something that we continue to work on because there is always that chance it can always be better than it is today, only time holds the answer to that.

Then you have personal balance. Now, this one I have pretty much mastered, if there even is such a thing. However, I am human and at times I will lose my self balance for a moment (just like anyone else). That’s when I have to reflect on myself, who or how I truly am, whatever experiences or situations were at hand, use my coping skills, take time to think, then approach and talk about what happened… address the situation or why I became unbalanced.

I learned that pointing fingers gets you no where good, excuses are not a part of this process it’s about explaining so you can move forward together and understand each other, repair the unbalance, as well as the relationship with whomever is involved. And at times it is just simply me that lost focus, or just simply having a bad day. Accepting and admitting without dwelling on self blame or with guilt, along with everything else I did, mentioned above, when a human unbalance comes, is how I find my balance again. Again, it takes effort, work, as well as reflecting on yourself… and either person can learn to do this.

I am a firm believer that there is always something else that can be done, it may take time to find what works or to understand how, but never lose hope, there is something. We know that PTSD does not just go away, some may be able to place it in a box, but the reality is it is still there and only takes one trigger to bring it back out. Life changed, for each of us. PTSD is there for life and you only can make the best out of it. Happy holidays and enjoy what you have got, live life and think about having some balance in your life.

The Old Sailor,

When days get shorter and nights colder

Dear Bloggers,

Summer has ebbed away, leaving her ghosts flirting with memories, occasional warm episodes all too soon laid to rest by gales ripping up the Dutch coastline. Even though the temperatures are to high for the time of the year. 

It is hard to predict the weather from one day to the next, but the night cannot lie, nor masquerade as if it was still September with flat dark blue seas and smooth sailings. Although the evenings are getting chilly and I start up my wood fire and make it cosy with some candlelight.

It reminds me of my youth in the little village of Langweer were the summertime is hard work for a lot and at the end of October winter’s slumber will soon begin again. Slowly but surely the nights are drawing in…

The past few weeks have presented a chance for solving the more pressing physical problems that inevitably are the result from running a rough sailor's life. This is perhaps the biggest challenge for those who choose this life and how blissful though it may be, it can be hard bloody work at times, a precarious balance of improvisation and loads of stressful situations. 

All the determination to carry on come what may, seems to have seeped up into a nightmare more rarefied realms and how sweet the reply! They have given me with a series of special people who have helped me do battle with all things physical. And yes I battled my way out and started a new chapter in my life.

Finally, the solution to my oldest headache… the twisted mind is my saviour as the situation at home is pretty challenging. Despite my protests, they refused to take action and it knocked out my spouse fully all for a fine job, leaving me speechless with frustration. My wife is the best thing that has happened in my life. She did not hold me back and I explored a lot of challenging situations in my days at sea. I love her too bits and she is absolutely all worth it. Okay some days are pretty awkward and hectic. I could have had a boring life.

My life is like being on an old vessel it is getting harder and harder to find spare parts for it and the domestic items that make life a little more bearable as these winter nights draw in. What would I do without these dark and cold nights? It is almost impossible to live here without some transportation. Northern region of the Netherlands is a car culture, for sure, with miles between places. In the bigger places you have buses running.

The magic is still there but it is sometimes hard to make everything happen. So once again, I would like to thank you all so much for your hospitality and friendship. And I would like to thank everyone that gave us hand or even a listening ear. My gratitude is immense.

And so ends this short update from the far North. You are all aware that most of my posts come during the months when I am the happiest during the summertime; however, through the winter months, an occasional update will pop up every month, but it is a time-consuming process writing a blog and quite invasive of one’s inner peace at times. 

I have oft times considered terminating it, but then all of a sudden a special message and the new people that I've met, have kept this old sailor cruising on, and that it will do, until lack of interest confines it to memory, after all: everything in life will pass....

The Old Sailor,

What if you cam't figure out what your dream is

Dear Bloggers,

I have to make a lot of decisions at the moment and find hardly any time to follow my dreams. And I think it’s a lot less about “What if” and more about “Why don’t I know what my dream is?” and probably more importantly “Where can I find my dream?“.

If you don’t have a dream and don’t care about not having a dream – well then you probably aren’t reading this anyway. If you don’t have a dream and you do wish you had one. Then I believe that wish for a dream is actually a sign that you do have a dream… it’s just buried under some other stuff right now.

I’m going to share some possible scenarios of what could be happening here and some ideas for what to do with them:

Scenario 1: You know what your dream is, but you are scared to admit it to yourself or to others. This is completely understandable! Having a dream is scary. Having a dream and going after it means everything in tour life could change. Having a dream and going after it means taking big risks. By not admitting that you have a dream, you can avoid all of this change and risk and uncomfortable stuff.

And yet...well, it’s still uncomfortable, isn’t it?

In avoiding change and risk you also avoid the joy of the dream come true. Mostly you avoid doing the thing you really want to be doing.

Your dream isn’t a superficial thing. It’s important. It comes from your heart and your soul. It’s tied to your purpose for being here on this planet. Avoid the dream and it will not go away. It will only grow more and more difficult to avoid. But all that stuff you are avoiding? It’s real too. And it’s scary. Pretending it’s not there is not a good plan. 

 

What may work here: Admitting it very quietly by writing it in your diary or your agenda. Start to give the dream just a little bit of space. You don’t have to tell anyone else about it and you certainly don’t have to do anything about it. Just give it some space to be and see what comes of that. Baby steps.

Scenario 2: You know what your dream is, but don’t believe that you can have it, so it’s kind of uncomfortable to think about it.

Awww. First I just want to give you a hug. Everything I said above about your dream is true: Your dream isn’t a superficial thing. It’s important. It comes from your heart and your soul. It’s tied to your purpose for being here on this planet. And also: Avoid the dream and it will not go away. It will only grow more and more difficult to avoid.

That last part is even more true in this case. Your dream is really important and it is asking you to work through your fear that you don’t deserve it or can’t have it for some reason. It is asking you to believe. What may work here: Asking “What if?” What if it was OK for me to pursue this dream? What If if was OK for me to have this dream? What do I think I deserve? What would have to happen in order for me to believe I deserve more?

Forcing yourself to go after your dream won’t be helpful here, working on changing your mind about what is possible for you will be helpful. Taking some slow baby steps towards your dreams may be helpful too. Sometimes that “I don’t think I can have it” starts to fade when it sees evidence that you really can have it.

Scenario 3: There is so much that you want to do, that you can’t pick just one to identify as “your dream”. Well this is actually a fantastic situation to be in, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. I really believe it’s better to have too many ideas than too few. I always have way more ideas and dreams than I can possibly work on.

Sometimes this “I have so many things I want to do I can’t commit to one thing” is just a way of sabotaging yourself, usually due to one of the fears mentioned above, so you may want to check those out and see if any of the ideas there feel like they may be helpful to you. If that’s not it, then what is happening here is a bottleneck. Too many ideas, too little time/resources and nothing can get through. You relieve the bottleneck by choosing some dreams to work on now and putting the other dreams aside for now. If the thought of putting some dreams aside makes you freak out a little: look at what is really happening here.

If you focus on one or two dreams for now, and actually bring them to life, then it becomes much easier to go back to those other dreams and bring them to life as well. With each dream come true you become more experienced at bringing dreams to life and you open up new possibilities for how to bring your dreams to life.

But still, choosing can be hard. What may work here: Asking yourself Which dreams am I most passionate about? This might help to narrow it down. If you start to work on the dream that you are most passionate about, all that passion can help to make it happen faster, so you can get back to the other dreams.

Or you can ask yourself Which dreams feel the easiest to work on right now? which is, of course, the easier way to go. Pick the low hanging fruit. Start with the easy dreams and work your way up. It could be that nothing feels easy but something is bound to feel easier than the others.

It can be hard to put some dreams aside. I have a desktop computer that is my place to put all of my opinions, ideas and dreams in. This way it doesn’t feel like they are lost, they are waiting for their right time to be brought to life. And sometimes, because creative dreams are magic, those dreams sitting in the notebook come true all on their own. Because they’re been taken out of the bottleneck! Dreams stuck in a bottleneck tend to not come true.

Scenario 4: You really just don’t know what your dream is:

Ask yourself: If I could have anything you want, what would it be? If you had no limits. None at all. Where would you live? How would you live? What would you do? How would you spend your days? How would you feel? What kinds of hobbies would you have? What would your social life be life? Your romantic life? Your finances? Your health? Your creativity? Your spirituality?

Somewhere in all of that there must be something you dream of. Something you want to build in your world. Your dreams are about so much more than wanting things to be different than they are. Your dreams are how you express your purpose and authenticity and uniqueness. Your dreams are healing. Your dreams can make a huge difference.

You don’t have to know what your dream is before you start working on it! I know, that sounds kind of crazy but it’s true. You can make finding your dream the dream you work on! Give your dreams a chance and live them you will be so much happier.

The Old Sailor,

When your boss is wanting to destroy you.

Dear Bloggers,

Imagine the scenario - a woman goes into work one day and her manager acts in an abusive and malicious way towards her. This is so shocking that she spends the next three years suffering from the consequences of that incident. She cannot sleep at night, she has frequent flashbacks and nightmares, she turns into a different person. The way she has been treated by her colleagues at work creates an ongoing condition that requires serious psychiatric support. If she would not have done anything but she knocked on every door that she could find to ask for help but no one reached out to stop this mentally disturbed manager who did everything in his power to destroy her mentally.
Is it right to talk about this as a complex post traumatic stress disorder (Severe PTSD)?

I compare to a dog. This dog was good and it was loyal and if something might be wrong it would bark for a while to be heard. If it looks like a dog, if it barks like a dog, and if overall it behaves like a dog, then it is most likely to be a dog. In the case of PTSD caused by bullying and abuse at work, this is a particularly black dog that has been beaten with a stick until it either shut up or it would attack and could be put down.

But most of our images of Severe PTSD come from much more 'obvious' and dramatic causes of such shock. When we think of PTSD we are most likely to think of the soldiers in Afghanistan who have suffered from exploding devices or have been subject to combat and personal loss.
In the cases of PTSD at work, then the obvious examples are of fire-fighters, on-patrol police officers, and other emergency workers who have had near death shocks in extreme circumstances. Each of these clearly are people who may be suffering from PTSD.

So is it fair to use a diagnosis of PTSD for someone whose mental health has been severely affected by bullying at work, rather than some more easily identifiable event or incident? On the other hand, let's give some thought to how a person who has been subject to workplace bullying may feel about themselves.

If we are all used to thinking of PTSD only in terms of combat veterans and violent and near death experiences, then a PTSD sufferer is also very likely to feel that their own suffering and experience is 'trivial' in comparison to the more obvious triggers of PTSD. Unfortunately, someone with PTSD is already likely to have feelings of self-worthlessness and somehow a diagnosis of their condition as PTSD may only serve to make them feel worse.
The starting point for this is to recognise the problem.

Thankfully, the issue of bullying, abuse and harassment at work has become firmly acknowledged in many respects in recent years. (Although it is shocking that it was only in 1988 that it was given the term 'workplace bullying'). The psychological harm this can cause to someone at work is recognised, but it is still rare that such harm is understood in terms of PTSD.

It is becoming recognised that PTSD can be caused by abuse in non-extreme contexts. For example, the case of my dear wife she has been mocked by her former manager that she was smelling. So after a few weeks she went to the doctors office, who could not find anything and send her to a dermatologist and there was nothing to be found. Strange thing was that i did not smell anything either and I sleep next to her every night I kept telling her it looks to me like bullying.

'Traumatic experiences or strains imposed on us by others can often hurt more than accidents.'

Indeed, the manager was replaced inside the company and my wife entered a new team in the mean time she went to a psychological centre and got treatment from great psychologist. Her new manager got the bills for it as they wanted to keep it out of sight of their headquarters and placed the bills under education bills. After being halfway the sessions she needed her manger told her that it should be enough and they would not pay for it anymore (he probably ran out of budget) My wife disagreed and called our health insurance and they picked up the bills. 

After a while the manager got the reports of the psychological centre as well. So he was informed about the case totally and started a even harder campaign on my wife to get rid of her with no extra costs. In November 2013 something snapped in her brain and she was not able to do her job anymore as a call centre agent. They gave her different job tasks in the mail room, but the bullying continued. In February 2014 I called her boss that she was too sick to come to work. He straight away told me that she should agree to sign off. I informed the Union and they told me not to panic as in the Netherlands you can be sick for 2 years and the employer must do everything to make you reintegrate into work. Either in or outsourcing.

Well you probably can guess what happened they did not see it as their problem and they believed of course their own manager.


A psychiatrist put this to me very well: It is already recognised that PTSD can be caused by experiences that are outside of the extreme shock of a life-threatening situation (such as combat or an accident). That is, there are many people suffering from PTSD due to various forms of personal abuse particularly domestic and/or sexual abuse. Such PTSD may have been caused by a single incident of abuse, or a series of events stretching over a period of time, even many years.

And so if domestic abuse or school bullying can cause a person to suffer from PTSD, it should come as no surprise then that PTSD can also be caused by abuse in the workplace. We might like to think that the workplace is a safe enough place where people behave with respect and do care, as perhaps we used to assume was the case in the home and at school. Many employers would like us to think this. But this is simply not the case. People can be nasty at work to their colleagues, just as they can be at home with their families.
For many people, the workplace is a site of bullying and abuse by their own workmates and managers, and is not a safe place at all.
If we give this some thought, most of us can probably pinpoint one or more examples of such bullying we have seen in our own careers - either done to us or others. It might not always cause PTSD, but the consequences are always nasty. 

 
The employment tribunal system has slowly begun to pick this up and use what powers it is given to redress some of the wrongs caused by employers against their workers. The most high profile of I know is the case of my wife who was subject to a nasty campaign against her by her managers and senior colleagues over a number of years. She suffered from this to such an extent that she was diagnosed with severe PTSD, and until now she is covered by the law that she can be on sick pay but this will stop in the month of April 2016. If it is up to me, she should receive compensation of €285,000 in order of lost wages, money that she could make until she could go on pension benefits in the year 2037 just towards this personal psychiatric injury, as part of a larger award amounting in total to €500,000. as all our family members suffered from the direct effects of the PTSD.

Our claim is that she is suffering from a post traumatic stress disorder and depression after being ridiculed by co-workers and managers in the call centre department of big telecom provider. My wife had had to endure a 'hostile and degrading' environment in a company which had 'lacked empathy'. It had left her in a state where she was unable to do the simplest of household chores.
In some respects, when it comes to a law suit the process will be hard and emotional and let us hope we are fortunate (if we can use this term). The system should be able to help us at this stage. It is a kind of abusive discrimination. If there had not been that element to the abusive behaviour of their managers and colleagues, it would be much harder for us to be compensated for the PTSD that her workplace has caused.

But I think most would agree that although bullying is harmful and nasty, there are many other forms of bullying and abuse that do not involve any particular forms of putting some on down and a make you feel undetermined.
It is estimated that at least one in ten people in the workplace suffer from bullying, but not all of them develop PTSD. If we can take the figures for this we should do more as employers as they are in some way indicative of the problem, then perhaps one third of these people may have some form of PTSD. This calculates as 3.3% of the working population suffering from PTSD caused by workplace bullying. With a workforce of around 7 million, that means nearly 231000 people in the Netherlands are perhaps experiencing PTSD caused by workplace bullying and abuse. That is a lot of people, and a lot of time lost from work by the people suffering the terrible consequences of PTSD (and of course it also time lost from their normal lives). It is a complete waste for everyone, apart from those who do the bullying.

It is simply the case that many people suffer the terrible experiences of PTSD due to bullying and abuse in the workplace (as can also happen or at school or at home). Although this has been happening for years, and is likely to continuing happening in future, there needs to be much more recognition of this problem and the harm it causes.

Such recognition of workplace PTSD needs to be acknowledged particularly for the sake of those with the PTSD, and also for those around them, their families, their friends, and also their employers. It is no one's interest for someone to suffer from PTSD without recognition and support.

Bastards are all over the world, maybe we should hang them.

The Old Sailor,