What is it all about is it love or commitment

Dear Bloggers,

One of my good friends revealed to me a few months ago: "I love my wife, but I cannot help thinking of other women. I even had an affair with a work colleague and I feel terrible about it. What is wrong with me? Why do I find other women desirable and, at the same time, love my wife more than anything?"


My answer to my friend was that there is nothing wrong with him - physically. There is nothing wrong with him, because he is a human being, and by nature, we, human beings, are constantly physically attracted to the opposite sex. This feeling of attraction may be weak when we are in the "hot phase" of our new relationship, but normally it claws its way back to our brain with a vengeance when the physical peak of the relationship has passed. I also told my friend that this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it feels contradictory that we can be exclusively in love and have non-exclusive feelings of physical attraction at the same time.

My friend was now confused and he asked: "Are you telling me then that there is nothing wrong about these feelings of physical attraction in a brain of a happily married or otherwise committed person"? My answer was yes, that's exactly what I am saying. I explained that I believe these feelings are something we cannot really have control over and there is nothing abnormal about the fact that women find other men attractive and men desire other women, even if they are simultaneously in love with their partners. This is how humans were designed and we cannot reprogram our brain to completely ignore a beautiful woman or a handsome man walking by. We can pretend that we don't see anything, but our preprogrammed brain tells us to watch.

My friend looked relieved, like the guilt was shifting from him to the designer of the human mold. Like he was just doing something nature had programmed him to do.

I continued and explained that this realization of constant physical attraction is just the other side of the relationship coin, the easy part. The more difficult side of the coin is the mental side, the side that can overrun or yield to the physical side, depending on the strength of the mental side of an individual coin. This side draws the difference between faithfulness and unfaithfulness. Thus, once you have acknowledged the fact that you are capable of being happily in a relationship and still physically attracted to other people, the center of gravity turns to the mental side of the coin, to the human side. This side offers you an opportunity to choose between your priorities: what is more important to you, a relationship and commitment, or your physical needs and attractions.

It may well be that your answer to the above question is the latter; your physical needs weigh more than a committed relationship with one partner. This may be the case even if you have a very strong mental side on your coin. It could be that you simply are not ready to be committed just yet. It could be that you want to see and experience more before you jump into something permanent, something that feels more restricted than a life with open options. And, that is fine. You have every right to feel that way. You have every right to be a single woman or a man and never be ready for commitment. Some people are never ready for a relationship and that is the way they want it.

However, things become different when you enter into a serious relationship and truly promise your partner to be a faithful and trustworthy companion. You make a promise to your partner that you are ready for her or him and ready to be committed, ready to live a life with just one partner, a life without open options. This is a choice, a sacrifice you make voluntarily yourself. You trade your life of open options with a life of partner-stability, trust and companionship. You acknowledge that the life of open options will end, but regardless of this acknowledgement, you voluntarily enter into your new life. It is a conscious choice of two free people.

If you make this choice, you should be able to live by your commitment and the promise of faithfulness. Not because you are no longer attracted to other people, but because of respect for your partner. You should be able to fight your physical needs and let the mental side of the coin prevail. Let the human side of the coin beat the physical, preprogrammed, side of you. The choice is yours, because even if your brain may be reprogrammed to feel the sexual attraction, we humans are also blessed with a mind that is conscious and capable of breaking free from the default settings of our brain. This is an amazing power and something that separates us from the rest of the creatures on this planet.

The physical side however is a tough opponent and doesn't always go away without a fight. It plays games with your mind and tries to win you over. It may make you juggle between a serious relationship and various affairs and flings. It may make you believe that keeping a partner and simultaneously having affairs is a good way to secure the best of both worlds: having a loving partner and a wild sexual adventure, all at the same time. However, don't be fooled by the seemingly strong physical side of the coin. You can beat it if your mental side is strong enough. You are at the end of the day the one who lets the physical side prevail over the mental side.

Why do people so often choose to yield to the physical side? What makes unfaithfulness an attractive choice and worth the risks? Can the reasons be traced and blamed on a society where affairs sometimes are quietly accepted and treated as a normal, inevitable, course of life? Are we unfaithful because of the following reasons: "we only live once", "everybody is doing it", "I was in a different country", "I had too much to drink", "I was on a conference trip" or because "it was just my ex"? Do we really know the real reason for our unfaithfulness? Can we accept the fact that the reason for unfaithfulness really comes to one thing and one thing only: lack of respect for our partner.

Lack of self-discipline and weak backbone are the evil cousins of disrespect. An unfaithful partner wants to keep the options open but is not courageous enough to try it out as a single man or woman and risk some time alone when company is hard to find. He wants to play it "safe" and enjoy affairs and a happy marriage or a relationship and believes that he has found the winning combination. It certainly may sound like a winning combination, but is that really what it is. Can an unfaithful person look in the mirror and say to himself: I am unselfish, disciplined and courageous and I truly respect my partner?

I believe that respect is the very key when it comes to successful and long-lasting relationships. Both partners know that they are most likely capable of cheating, but respect keeps them from doing that. It may all sound overly simplistic, but the reason for unfaithfulness in an otherwise functioning relationship really comes to a one thing: lack of respect for your partner. Surely respect cannot be forced or implanted on anyone and there may be difficult circumstances, where there seems to be accepted reasons for unfaithfulness. Maybe one of the partners is completely uninterested in having sex, while the other is longing for a functioning sex life, or there is simply no love and respect left in the relationship etc.

However, the question in these situations should be, should I be in this relationship, rather than, should I be unfaithful to my partner.

Don't take me wrong, I am not judgmental and very well understand that people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of. And, in extreme cases, partners even give their approval for affairs or prefer an open relationship all together. However, in a relationship where both partners expect faithfulness and trust, the unfaithful partner should understand the true reasons for his conduct. The cheating partner has agreed to make a commitment, but is not living up to his or her promise. He decided to choose one partner in order to have stability, trust and companionship, but because of lack of respect, backbone and his overriding selfish needs, cannot live up to his promise. It is hard to take the blame, but sometimes reality hurts. That's why it is called reality.

It can be a tough thing to swallow that you can only sleep with one person the rest of your life. It may be tough thing to swallow that sex has turned from a privilege to an obligation, or to a mere weekly/monthly act of killing the awkwardness of lacking physical contact. However, your commitment is still a conscious choice and a sacrifice, which you voluntarily made yourself. You may want to keep the options open, but then you need to keep the options open as a single man, not as a family man. And, if you don't want to be a single man, then be a family man, a respectful man. Show the backbone and self-discipline you have in you. Don't let the easy side of the coin prevail.

There is really no excuse for cheating on your partner and realizing this might just make your relationship happier and hopefully even prevent future missteps. I am not able to stop her thoughts about the perfect man, but these guys do not excisit unless they are ruthless players. I have seen to many relations gone bust do to a lack of interest in their sexlives, if she is taking it easy he is scanning for other options like watching porn or have an affair. Men are not very complex thinkers if it comes to the subject sex. The choice is yours, but if you want to keep the dark clouds out and life up to your commitment, give your partner the respect he or she deserves and expects. You expect the same.

The Old Sailor,

P.S. We should remember that we humans are all on the same boat of life and carry similar hopes, similar needs and similar dreams. We are all born with a need to be respected and loved. Born with a need to be someone. Someone successful. Someone decent.

driving an empty bus

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I had an epiphany about a difference in style between the two major jobs I’ve held. One style was driving an empty bus and the other was my time on board. That the busses are empty has to do with the summer holidays anyway this can be prtetty boring as I was used to work hard and long days. I am going to examine both as anecdotes from my perspective and try to avoid grandiose analysis.


The Empty Bus

So, I start the job and the first thing the company does is hand me the bus and give some instructions how to run it. Actually, they leave it to me and fully trust me with the material. However, once on the bus driving, I am pretty much on my own. I have a destination to reach that has been vaguely described on a scribbled piece of laminated paper. The directions are unclear and not all of them have been there before. They keep changing the directions as there are roadworks and it makes me wander if I will learn the right directions this way. But I get to drive. That is fun.

Everywhere it is empty

Every now and then, I pick somebody from the bus stop up, they make changes to my daily life as I have found someone to talk to. They do a lot of empty rides in the summertime, and that is such a shame as they have good offers you pay single fare for a return ticket. But I get to drive. That’s usually fun.

All in all, I am asked to develop my skills as a driver and with very little cooperation or directions I am improving. I am left on my own to make almost all the decisions. Even though I have weekly meetings with my mentor, I am not really given much feedback on whether I’m going the right way. He’s not a developer, he is like me just another driver so he doesn’t really know enough about what I do at the moment to give me useful feedback. My quarterly reviews aren’t very cooperative or helpful, they are more about the manager wishing that I would drive faster and make fewer mistakes (mutually exclusive goals when you think about it) so I will cost less money.

loads of space today

I nearly get into a wreck a couple times, but there’s no one on the bus to help me out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an excellent driver. I’m still learning, but some help should help things go faster in process, you’d think. The city of Groningen is not that easy to drive in with her narrow streets and sharp corners. Usually, though, my directions are so clear and well written down so they become difficult to follow that I am directed to get into wrecks as I need to do to much reading. This is not actually all that fun as time goes on.

The Ship

I know that there is no way back there and some journey’s could be boring. They sail around in circles from A to B and the other way round. On the other side of the water the doors pop open and an absurd number of hilarious characters hop out of the ship. This job is not quite like this. It’s actually more like a really crowded ferry in the summer and a ghost ship in some months of the winter, like the trip I took the other day with my wife and my two daughters there was space enough on the ship lthough it did not feel empty as you always met someone on your way. But now, imagine, that all of these people have a stake in where the ship goes and have a slightly role and different idea about how to go about getting there. Now, we’ve got a good analogy.

my last ship and loads of memories

The manager’s seat was next to mine and she gets in and out of the desk whenever she feels the need or when I ask her to. She’s a busy woman: lots of crew to help as some of them have trouble getting it, even some simple changes can make them run to her office. Usually, she gets in right before we dock which is a busy period together with the secretary we answer most of the queries and make the announcements over the public address system. We are carefully explaining things at those guests and point or sometimes even turn them into the right direction. Directly after docking we have to find drivers that did not show as they overslept or got lost. On the cardeck beneath me sits an officer whose job it is to navigate and discharge the cardecks to get them ready for the next run. He tells me by radio the license plate numbers in Nato alphabet and gives those instructions pretty regularly. Beside him there are the passengers that are waiting for the airbridge and have loads of quetions about what to expect and where to find the bus to the city. That’s annoying, but still fun.

my ''old'' working place

I get to work. As I mentioned, sometimes the job is heavy as I need to get ready for the next flow of passengers. Not many hours are left so let’s get started, visitors show up and like to talk to some of the officers and engineers who have their hand on the wheel and help push the pedals for me. This is pretty fun too, unlike the bus though, this actually gives us a lot more control. We seem to be getting places in a much more controlled way, though we do have to control our speed much more carefully. It might take us longer, but the sailing is fun along the way.

The old sailor in a new uniform as a bus driver

Unfortunately there is no chance to return to the ship and driving the bus is a lot of fun too. But a few more passengers would absolutely be a pleasure even a grumpy one would be fine. But what can I do it is summer holiday for most of us, that is why I got the job. That’s a bummer in some ways, not as much fun. I like control. And a busy day. Overall, this is more fun.

So far, I prefer the ship to the empty bus. It’s less bipolar and more slow, steady, and directed.
Unfortunenatly there is no point of return as my body cannot handle it anymore and busdriver is a nice job again when the schools will start again in a few weeks.

What to do during football madness

Dear Bloggers,


Gallons of beer, pounds of beer nuts and chips, gasshorns, and the vuvuzela ugly orange clothes, red white blue make up, strange hats, not to mention the oh so wonderful football music every idiot can sing along. All things that I really dislike as a anti-football fan is waiting for me. Nevertheless, we will be back to be believed, because the World Cup finals in 2010 are imminent. What should I do during this football madness tonight?

The land of the Orange people

Watching football with a friend or neighbor, what is always a feast. During the game there is no chance at all to change a word with him, but of course you do. If you walk by accident in front of the screen it sounds like the end of the worldl. No, not really ideal. Fortunately, there still is this outbreak, which is there when our team had scored. Then they suddenly screamed and ran out en masse. Hmm, the madness is getting more and more people in its grip.

Even Cartooninsts are spending time on it......Scary

The streets
One thing is certain, the days of the games many Dutch sat probably in front of the tube, whether it was with or without reluctance. The perfect opportunity therefore to go ahead undisturbed in the big cities and DIY shop. Not bothered by people who are behind you and bump into you or lengthy queues at the checkout counter. And another advantage: No one whines about football for most of those who were working were not hardcore fans.

Also cardealers are going nuts

Orange Fashion
Do you want it,have a little go with the football and the madness. “Viva Hollandia” mentality, then you go bananas in terms of clothing. For while actually orange which is one of the most avoided colors, you can go fully mad during the World Cup. And you will go totally with these lovely bright color. Spray your hair orange, paint your nails, orange makeup and paint some Dutch flags here and there, and nobody will look at you funny.

Yes football can be a nice sport once in a while

If you see it no other way than be at home on the couch and try to understand a little sbout football. That way you will not unnecessarily interfere with a lot of questions like:” What is offside anyway?”. And come, for loss or tie, but not least, encourage the National team:and don’t come down with the downer “It's only a game” because that will certainly bring up a zero atmosphere. A little easier, you just go with the crowd and share with the celebration or sorrow and see how it will turn out tonight.

The Old Sailor

Holiday Debt?

Dear Bloggers,


Yes I know that my blog is late but I had to work this weekend therefor my blogs might become a little less frequent. As I have to take care of myself I was not able to write earlier. I had a deep conversation about the summer holiday with one of my passengers. We did not go to a foreign country when I was young and when my parents had a good year we did go to a theme park. But I never had the feling that my holiday was worse then anyone else in my class. And I grew up in a tourist place.

It shocked me that people will put themselves in debt for a holiday and all because of the fact that they have to show off to the neighbors and friends. I think that it is sad that you live a higher standard then you are able to afford. There is nothing wrong with a smaller house or a smaller car. I am amazed how stupid my generation has become.

For parents with children going to school the summer holiday is likely to leave them with further debt. Costs for food, caretakers, entertainment, and holiday trips will all add expense to an already stretched budget for many families.

Up to 36 per cent of parents with children at school say they will end up in debt at the end of the summer holiday. Also predicted that a larger number of families will struggle already during this summer.

Research shows the apparent willingness of families to go into debt to cover the cost of the summer holidays. Worryingly 4 per cent will even borrow the money from a doorstep lender offering “quick fix” loans and risk owing a huge amount of interest.”

While many are reporting they will borrow money or go into more debt pulling from other personal funds, many are going to be doing without. Children will have to accept not attending theme parks, traveling, or even attending the cinema. More than 40 per cent of parents reported they would not be able to afford a theme park, 19 per cent would not be able to afford the cinema, and 10 per cent would not be able to afford for their children to go swimming.

Besides doing without or borrowing funds, 16 per cent admitted they would add debt to a credit card, 14 per cent will use their overdraft and 8 per cent will borrow from family.

Experts have suggested that families should attempt to stay within their financial means, and look for creative ways to spend time together that will not lead to more debt.

The Old Sailor,