Dear Bloggers,
I have sailed quite a bit of the worlds seas and oceans never felt alone at sea as I had great colleagues with many years of experience in all kinds of situations. I had a bit of a rough start when I started sailing and my past being on the rescue team during a ships disaster was not very helpful during a boat drill I was overwhelmed by memories as the evacuation alarm sounded throughout the ships speakers. I felt emotions that I never knew before there was panic in my head and I could not think straight. I left the company for a while and made a new start on a cruise liner. After a while I came back again on a smaller and older vessel. But the crew was great and I closed most of them in my heart. Some of them I have been sailing with for quite some years.
A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon
and someone at my side says
She is gone.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all.
She is just as large now as when I last saw her.
Her diminished size and total loss from my sight
is in me, not in her.
Although it’s often
overlooked, the loss of a friend is just as devastating as that of any other
loved one. It comes with the same force and it quickly takes you through a
whirlwind of emotions before it throws you at grief’s mercy. Expect to be
shocked, angry, confused and deeply disturbed as you try to make sense of it
and adapt to its demands.
It is not easy to lose
a close friend
We often trick
ourselves into believing that the loss of a friend is an unfortunate experience
and with it, we rule out its severity and impact on our life. That kind of
attitude is particularly evident in the cases where our friend leaves a family
and loved ones behind. Naturally, their bereaved spouse, parents, siblings are
deeply affected but don’t let that take away the importance of your loss and
put you at the bottom of the list.
Regardless of these
arrangements, your grief is just as important and you need to give it the full
attention it demands. Listen to it and be prepared to deal with the sudden
burst of emotions, confusion and anger. You may feel guilty about past
arguments or regret some of the things you remember saying and doing.
Grieving the loss of
a friend is just as personal and unique as any other grief.
Losing a friend in
later life
Nobody can prepare
you for such a loss, even if it is the result of a long illness. Losing a close
friend as an adult is likely to trigger a series of emotions beginning with
shock and disbelief. Confusion or inabilities to talk about your feelings are also
quite likely reactions in the early days of your loss.
However you feel,
remember that it takes time to process that loss and to come to terms with it.
Don’t be impatient with yourself and don’t pretend that you are not affected by
it. Open the floodgates to let all these feelings and emotions overwhelm you.
Then start to work your way through them as you begin to move forward with your
life. Expect to cycle through the same feelings or to feel stuck and unable to
see a way out of it. That’s how grief works but it gets better with time.
Be with people who
understand your grief
Be prepared to
‘suffer in silence’ because not everyone will appreciate the scale of your
loss. The lack of recognition is also likely to affect how you deal with grief.
Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand and respect that
loss. The loss of your friend is not a reason to forget them. Look back at the
wonderful times and treasure your memories. That’s their way of being a part of
your life now and you need to embrace it.
Life without your
friend is not going to be the same. You are going to miss them no matter what
you do. That’s normal and so are the other feelings and emotions you are likely
to experience. Remember that grief is a process which is unique to you. Be kind
to yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve that loss. The emotional high
that you get from the release of endorphins whilst laughing and having a good
time with your friend is cut short and replaced with a mountain of sadness
after their death. That’s the mountain you need to climb in order to move
forward with your life after the loss of a close friend.
We knew a lot of
great people in our lives at sea and many passed by with cosey nights sitting
together and having a little drink in the so called Café Holland a place where
many have good memories and many of us sang along with the music that was
played including this Dutch song that’s called “Aan de kust.” Performed by Bløf. As we sailed with International crewmembers we tried to translate the
lyrics into English so they had a clue what it was about. This song touched me
again last week as it was aired on my car radio and this part of the song hit
me.
Vlissingen ademt zwaar en moedeloos
vannacht
De haven is verlaten, want er is nog maar een vracht
En die moet in het donker buitengaats worden gebracht
Gedenk de goede tijden van zuiverheid en kracht
Maar men weet het niet
En zwijgt van wat men hoort en ziet
My Translation of the lyrics:
Vlissingen (town in Zeeland) breaths heavy and cheerless tonight
The harbor is abandoned, because there is only one shipment
And that has to be brought out of the harbor in the dark
Commemorating the good times of purity and strength
But people don't know
And are quiet about what they hear and see
As Sailors we don’t say goobye but farewell my dear friend.
The Old Sailor,
