My eldest daughter is a bit shy when it comes
to making new contacts, but with a little help from her parents she is getting
less and less a creep mouse and gets slowly more self esteem. Learns quickly if it comes
to nasty situations and loves to argue with her mom. I have the feeling that
she is growing in the right way.
Self-Esteem: The Best Gift You Can Give
When
I am asking
the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most
of the people tell me that they are being loved by at least one of them. Then
my next question is: “How do you mean
that did you really felt loved as a child?”
Just a few of them remain with the same answer. No matter where I ask, the response is
generally the same. What does this mean
for us as parents? Should we raise our kids differently ?
Self-esteem,
especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being
lovable. Whether we know it or not, we
are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time. For the most part, children look to the
adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who
they are and how they are.
Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide.
No matter what if these are our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of
voice, touch and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,”
“I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and
what they deserve in life.
We,
as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously by repeating the patterns
that our own parents used with us, or to make a conscious choice to pass on the
values we would like to see perpetuated.
It is not always right but also not everything they thought you was wrong,
maybe some of them were badly explained.
My
advise is: Pass on the best and throw out the rest. An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an
honest look at your own childhood.
Remember what it was like growing up in your family. What did your parents do to make you feel
loved? Was their love conditional or
unconditional? How did they discipline
you? Did they believe children need to
be controlled? How did they communicate
and resolve problems with you and with each other? What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to
believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you? Try not to idealize your experiences, but
rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family. Not remembering painful memories leaves you
at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.
Our
parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but
we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them. Our children give us the opportunity to
become the parents we wished we would have had. When my mother died, I thanked her for giving me the passion to
parent a different way.
It
is better to prepare than to repair.
Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and
healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life. Here are some of the major factors that
contribute to self-esteem:
High
Self-Esteem
Respect
(valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter,
and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in,
acknowledgement)
Low
Self-Esteem
Disrespect,
Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened
to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism,
judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)
Self-esteem
begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you. This love spills over to your children, who
learn to love themselves and to love you.
Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with
respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth. Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what
you do, I love and accept you for who you are.”
Bite
your tongue. I have noticed that when I
am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being
present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said. I can totally explode when I am in a bad day
and having nasty mood swings. My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does
mine. Healthy families remind each
other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their
failings. Take time to regularly remind
yourself of your goals and values what you want for your children—and you will
create that consciously.
Flip
your focus. Many of us have been taught
to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.” Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on
the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you
want, not what you do not want.
Examine
your expectations. Expectations
that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and
set us up for disappointment.
Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe
in them. Maintain a balance between
high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.
When
you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself. I wished that my mother had told me how
to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker. A large part of self-esteem comes from
feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the
things we want to do. Many times, we
unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing
that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.
Here
is a good exercise in self-nourishment.
Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of
money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with
candlelight). It is especially
revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these
activities. Make a commitment to do at
least one activity from your list every day.
This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding
and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.
Get
rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do. Listen to what you say to yourself during
the course of each day. Turn up the
volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not
good enough.” As you hear the messages,
write them down. Where did they come
from? The reason most people feel bad
about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are. For every statement you record, think of a
way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an
affirmation as a reminder. Turn your
“stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.
You will be surprised what happens not only for you but also for your
children.
When
you are having fun together, love just happens. Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend
with your children having fun. How much
time to do you devote to play? Most of
us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or
maybe renting a video. We have
forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store,
and swimming with a friend. Luckily,
our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover
the child within us. Play brings a
special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are
feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.
Discipline
without damage. I often ask
other parents what comes to their mind when I say the word discipline. The most common response is punishment.
Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be
self-regulated. When our children
“misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame. When anyone feels attacked, they will shut
down to protect themselves from our harmful words. “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a
specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need
________. Taking the time to formulate
an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your
buttons are being pushed. What is
coming up in you from your past? Then
you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your
parents. It may come up, for example,
that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that
you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second
day.
Finding
new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system
with natural and logical consequences.
Joy
shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half. In the past, extended families were the
rule, rather than the exception. We no
longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support
systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get
tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood.
Listen,
listen, listen. We all know what
it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not
listening. Most people need to improve
their listening skills. Eventhough the one who is talking is a boring talker he
or she deserves a listening ear. I am
improving my listening skills. When you
listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside
judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish
speaking. Then, reflect a feeling back
to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have
felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”
If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood
what they said. If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did
not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly. This is “win-win” communication, and it
enhances everyone’s self-esteem.
Let
go of perfectionism. My wife was
a perfectionist and was a master at keeping the house nice and tidy. I am aware
of how I did not develope that same tendency as my mom was in that case not
wanting to be perfect. My children have helped her to recover from the mistaken
belief that anything must be perfect and straight and the other ones could help
you to make it nearly perfect. Because
perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated,
disappointed, and angry about the strangest things. Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family and if you are
able to change to a less perfect life. There will be many things changed in
your life as people around you have to adapt to you as a “new” person. Yes this
is hard for persons that have been around you for many years and lost control
about this new you. Never mind that they are angry but they should pick up and
try the new you.
In
the beginning it is hard to let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and
silliness to your life. Be gentler with
yourself and others. A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather
provides an opportunity to learn. When
children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are
encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises. The only real mistake is the one from which
we learn nothing.
What
goes around comes around. A
wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us
the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them. My children are my best cheerleaders
since the beginning of my illness together with the changes in my career. They
remind me of the fact that perfectionism
is not needed and I should let go of it. I’d better look at
my ability to succeed something that I can do and they are in there
to support me. They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning
family in which everyone feels like a success.
It is
not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture. It is worth the effort though. Happiness and connection happen when you
replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and
attitudes. It all begins with self-awareness
and a conscious choice.
The
Old Sailor,
