Dear
Bloggers,
A bit late for the time of the month in this last month of the year there is so much to do and work is more irregular than other months. Although I have some free time but many people want something from me. They are all needy and I am working a lot of late shifts to earn my money as a bus driver.
Slowly
but definitely is the nocturnal horizon sliding by. On the radio
their playing Christmas songs and easy listening songs it's that time
of the year again and I hum them along softly. A typical ride home
after a late evening shift. Suddenly, there are shooting all kinds of
thoughts about the past through my head. I plink away a little
teardrop that is rolling down my cheek. I think about all the
beautiful moments of my past and see myself in the smoking ruins that
remain of it. I dance in my mind together through the night with my
dearest girlfriend who just all too soon slipped away from us. Gently
giggling we shuffle along, tightly pressed against each other by
through the splinters of my present life. By now I'm used to absorb
all the blows that life brings me. Though I sometimes wonder why I
and I question myself did I deserve this mess? I'm really happy in
life and a great sense of humor is very important, so please do not
misunderstand me. I have a wonderful family and I can enjoy their
being to the fullest every day. Already there has changed a lot in
the last few years. But that doesn't keep me really from working hard
for them and I do it with love.
My
eyes stare into the darkness of the night and I roll quietly on to
the highway. Beautiful thoughts flickering through my mind, thoughts
from long gone. I go all the way back to my early childhood. The time
when everything was just right and the only thing we knew about
violence and terror attacks were from the time of the Second World
War, the village where I grew up had everything a man needed. There
was a butcher and two bakeries, a haberdashery shop and two small
supermarkets. There was a drugstore, a cigar shop, a hairdresser and
a bicycle repair shop. There were a few restaurants and some bars. Not
much bigger than this was our world. If you had to go to a hospital
or other needs you had to travel to a bigger town.
My late mother was
not having a driving license so we had to rely on my dads free time
or we had to take the bus, which only stopped there three times a
day. Yet I do not feel I've missed something. Maybe going on vacation
because there was unfortunately not a chance to do that. Of course I
listened with red glowing ears to the beautiful holiday stories and
adventures that other children had experienced in my class, like some
guys who went with their fathers in the truck all the way to France
and the others had gone to a camping place in places that sounded
completely foreign to me. I camped with my parents in the backyard
and I needed to help them out to earn my pocket money. And no I
there's really no harm of doing some labour. At some later age, I was
staying with an aunt and uncle of mine, but it turned out as a big
dip because I was severe homesick.
Since I'm quite a bit of a dreamer
and I am not always being convenient for things that I said, so I got
lost during a school trip. In my teenage years I was quite defiant
and rebellious and I had trouble with authority from teachers. And
teachers were to me more a target to argue with and kicking against
the rules and yes I often could win these battles with all its
consequences. Through all the hassle I got expelled from school
because I had hit back a teacher because he could not win the debate
so at that time you just received a blow to your head from the
teacher. And no I did not sit back and let it come over me. So I gave
him a punch back and he went down. After speaking with the principal
of the school, we had to find another school. Not easy I must say.
After a while I felt a lot better at the new and much smaller school
I felt much more at home here but it was too late for me too pick up
all my grades and I did not have the knowledge to leave school with
a diploma.
In the meantime, I drank my first beers and I got into a
preconceived plan of a certain "Monique" from the area of
Sneek my first French kiss. My God what was I upside down of this
first real kiss and I was nervous for this moment to do something
with a girl so intimate, yet there was no follow up on my fumbling
and she let me know that it was only one time. A little bit
disappointed I went home with a hundred thousand drowned butterflies
in my stomach.
And on the other hand I am so glad I did this. In a
way or another, the ball was rolling. And the fair in the autumn I
had suddenly "thick friendship" and out of nowhere after a
month or six it was suddenly all over and we broke up. My heart was
not simply broken but completely shattered into a thousand small
pieces. After a few months I started on something new and I had to
join the military in the meantime for my service that we had to do
for our country. Just before that I had to join the army, I had my
final exams at school and out of the blue came the sad news that my
dear girlfriend had passed away. It tore my heart into pieces and I
lost at that time all the confidents in having a relationship and in
faith of the Lord. I could hardly swallow my grief I had a hard time
with my feelings and anger was playing tricks on me.
BANG,
she all of a sudden was there and I was staring at her as if I had
been struck by lightning. There she was a beautiful but very shy girl
from Germany with the looks of an angel. After a couple of days I
dared to make contact with her and we exchanged addresses. It was a
long and warm penfriendsrelationship. Unfortunately I was too shy and
anxious to express my feelings to her. So in that respect it was
therefore nothing sexual though we were staying over at eachother
homes and were occasionally together and slept in seperate bedrooms.
We were just very good friends and I really learned a lot out of our
correspondence. With lots of fun and sometimes mixed emotions I wrote
down things that were on my mind and all in handwriting I expressed
my troubles and she just gave me good thoughtful answers. And yes,
She is still having a very beautiful and special place in my heart.
Meanwhile,
I arrived home I reverse the car into the driveway, and the whole
neighborhood is into a deep sleep. I walk in and take our dogs out of
their benches. Yet here I sit day-dreaming on the couch and then I
think of another relationship that unfortunately ended up into
nothing after a while. No my heart broke down repeatedly but I don't
blame nobody for this, at best I question myself occasionally and ask
what I have done so wrong in all of those situations and was I such a
jerk that I was worth to leave? I
hope nobody's done anything too short.
Yes, I'm only a human being and far from perfect I can tell, should
this be the case then we can always talk about. BANG !!! Suddenly the
joy suddenly hits me back into intense grief.
Tears are rolling down
my cheeks when I think back how many there are who we have lost both
young and old. And some of them are easier to cope with than others
anyway it is always for someone a drama. With these thoughts I sneak
quietly into bed, and I wish my wife a good night and I cry myself
into sleep quietly. At moments like this I miss the warmth and love
of my Mum to comfort me. Despite of everything, I am a happy person
and we have two wonderful daughters and my wife is slowly but surely
recovering end does step by step a little bit better. I can enjoy
happily lots of small and simple things like our own children that
are during the Summer Holidays are camping in our back yard. They do
not complain at all because they are here also on a holiday. Yet they
do have a wish for more time together as a family for a day to go out
together. Slowly but surely our little girls grow up. I try to catch
my breath ...... my lip trembles a bit ..... and I wonder "When
and where is their first kiss?" I realize again that life is far
too short to be miserable.
My
advice is: "" Enjoy every moment that tou have, because
before you know it is already over."
The
Old Sailor,
