Already today my body has become my enemy

Dear bloggers,

Yesterday was the day that I had to go to the hospital; hopefully they will come soon with some results as living with pain 24/7 is unbearable.
At least that is what I think.
As all the results of yesterdays examinations brought absolutely nothing.
My day at the hospital started at 09:30 and ended at 17:00 well I was fully in a sarcastic mood when we went home.
Only a lot of frustration was what they could offer me, and for **** sake it is eating me alive.

If they can at least tell me what my future will bring me, and even if it means that I can work only a few days a week.
It will give me something to struggle with.

Well this how my day looks like, when I am home.
I love my family and I know they love me.
A little understanding would go a long way.
It is 6:15 am. I stumble towards the bathroom as hot water is a relief and helps me to get in motion.
Already today my body has become my enemy.
Some days are worse than others, and I have not held myself back enough lately.
I have been enjoying my kid's playing outdoors too much.

The pain bothers me all night long every night, all day every day.
No position is comfortable.
I keep moving and trying to position my body so it won’t hurt so badly.
The alarm goes off, I wasn't asleep but it still surprises me.
When I stand PAIN! My feet hurt so badly, and it just goes on up my body like a tidal wave.
Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes.
I try hard not to let any one see me when it is this bad.
Just my wife but she is most of the time sound asleep.
Some days are worse and this day is worse.
I just keep moving, walking praying my muscles and joints will loosen up enough for me to enjoy the morning with my daughters.

I want to take my muscle relaxer and a paracetamol when they leave.
Words cannot describe what I feel; is it called fibromyalgia or polymyalgia or is it Lyme disease?
What ever name it is given it has had me in its grip since this winter.
Sometimes I don't know what causes it.
It takes me by surprise I may make a soft grunt or moan.

I am feeling horrible and it is coming out as I am grumpy and burst out in anger if they are not listening.
I know it is wrong to yell at the ones that you love.
But god it is difficult sometimes.
You know that no one wants to hear you moan or complaining.
The pain has control, I am exhausted, my whole body hurts, and even my eyes feel dry and gritty.
It feels as if my bones are cutting through my muscles, tendons and skin.
It feels as if I am metamorphosing, my muscles can no longer support my bones and are melting away.

I feel I am turning into something ugly; I don't want to go out unless I absolutely have too.
It hurts and I am so tired of this PAIN second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, week after week.
I cannot keep up with housework; the rare visitor probably thinks that I am lazy.
I see the looks I get. I am not lazy. I am disabled (ugly word).

I work still a full time job at the receptiondesk of a ferry, raising together with my wife two daughters.
I did all of this at the same time.
I was strong, the busier I was the more I loved it, but all of a sudden I had to take it easy and it was the start of a life full of pain.
I say this to people who don't have Acute Chronic Pain; do not judge me.
I may look normal enough if you don't look close.

But know this you are fortunate.
I am in constant, unending, unrelenting PAIN.
It rules my life, my family’s life.
It seems I only exist at times.
My empathy to all of you who suffer as I do.

It took me a while too write this story, but it is worth it as my life is at certain times pretty frustrating.

The Old Sailor,


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