Dear Bloggers,
Accidentally I met a new person a nearly sixty-year-old man from Turkey who is already here for more than forty years. He reasonably speaks the Dutch language. The biggest problem he has is a bit of a temper when it comes to officials who write letters to him. And yes his anger issue brought him into a lot of trouble. The problem is that we do not understand a lot of all these bureaucratic things. He fled in his younger years and going to school was difficult.
Does anyone else out there have issues with their "friends" and professionals turning their backs on them and leaving them out in the cold while they are not getting treatment for PTSD? What would you do????
He told me that he had a great person who helped him manage all the paperwork and was there socially for him when suddenly the money from the county was stopped. So his guy was not paid anymore and stopped showing up. He has different people around to help him, but according to him they just are taking the money and not much is been done. Everyone who said they would support me through treatment has turned their backs on him and instead of being supportive they are "pushing his buttons" and not helping but adding to his stress.
What would you do??? I can't point it out to them cause it just starts an argument and they claim I'm using the "poor him card". My "best friend" won't even talk to some of them anymore. All I get is negative energy from them as he explains. “I feel more alone than I did before the treatments“. Which it is but as the rest of you know, you can't get through this without help and support from family and friends.
You have to do what you can live with. Nothing more, nothing less. If your professionals are adding to your stress and your illness then you need to, even temporarily, distance yourself while you heal. By the way, unless your friends have PTSD they will never 'get it'. They can't understand what's going on in your mind and your life. It's just one of those things in life that can't be changed. You have to find people who can and will support you (therapists, doctors, support groups) and not ask the same thing of your friends.
I just learned a very difficult lesson by having this person I thought of as my "best" friend quit talking to me with an outburst of anger and no explanation. I just made a phone call to his health insurance office and told me that they could not help him. I was flabbergasted by this answer and asked who should I call on this issue. This happened after I realized /remembered he was having an anger issue and they got him out of the building by police and he was not allowed to come back in. As he had verbally abused a person he had spoken to or most probably yelled at. He was not in the here-and-now reality - He was reacting as if I was still a hurt terrified young man. His best friend and helping hand had vanished. It's been over two or three years and it hurts him, but I guess that's the reason that he breaks and goes totally bananas when they put too much pressure on him. „I have to control my behavior somehow (or avoid people when I'm in that state) if I want people to stick around, even if it's incredibly difficult, “ he says to me. I tell him all the time you will get there when you ask people in a nice and friendly way. I share my life with my wife who has PTSD and is working hard on herself. I ran into this years ago myself after my army days and I kept it away from the rest but lately, I am going to therapy as well to get a better me out of it. Mine is a form of parts. I struggle with some anger and some strange feelings of failure. It’s not the end of the world for me, although I still struggle with putting myself in the spotlight when I rather go in camouflage and blend in with the rest.
Before you read what I have written please understand I am trying to offer a view from the other side of the fence. I do not wish to antagonize anyone with PTSD or invalidate their suffering. I intend to provide you with some thoughts that some of your friends may have thought. As a 'friend' of someone who has PTSD my thoughts are these - I agree that I can never understand PTSD but I can and have learned to have an appreciation for what it may be like.
Conversely, I think some PTSD sufferers forget how dramatic their reactions are sometimes and how frightening they can be sometimes to someone who has no idea of what they are dealing with. I have learned that I cannot apply logic or reason to try and understand a sufferer when they are very ill. To someone who has a history of abuse (but not PTSD etc), it can be quite daunting being lashed out at by someone who is supposed to be their friend.
What I think I need to say as a 'friend' is that a sufferer can help their friends understand them better by trying to meet them some of the way and work out what the friend relates to.
I like to read and learn so I went to the bookstore and gave me some literature to read. Some other friends may relate to the movie 'Reign Over Me' as they have trouble reading books and rather like watching TV. Of course, it goes without saying that the 'friend' has to be the type of person who is willing to make the effort and learn. I also found that as a 'friend,' I need to be really strong and definite with my boundaries so that while I may see a PTSD sufferer ill it does not become my punishment too.
Living with someone who has PTSD has taught me (although sometimes difficult) that the issue may not be about me but I may bear the brunt of the pain/frustration/illness that they feel. Luckily for me, I have not had to deal with the full-blown form of PTSD and I can only empathise with those who suffer from it.
Harsh as it may sound, friendship is a two-way street and sometimes it's just a case of meeting the right person. If I look back over my life so far my friends have changed as my circumstances did but then there are a few who have been there all the way and are still around.
I too have been through losing many friends over this. Many were because my wife isolated me from them, as she was not able to reconnect with people around her at that time. I have a few close friends. Many people seem to like me a lot and want to spend time with me, but few can connect with the world I live in.
It has been hurting for a long time, every now and then it still stings a bit but it's just the way it is. I "feel out" people by slowly giving them tidbits about my life to see if I want to invest emotionally with them in a friendship. There are very few I can talk to about the real me. I am blessed by having those few. As a matter of fact, you remind me to call them today and tell them I love them. I didn't use to do that. Now that I really know how precious friendship, true friendship is, I tell them. I try to take long hard looks in the mirror to see if I'm being a good friend to them, and initiate conversation by asking them how I can be a better friend the times when I am able to look past my own hands.
I have also looked closely at who adds to my life. I need to surround myself with love and support, not judgment. Life's hard enough, I don't need more added to my plate of battles. So, I've narrowed down my friends as well to those who aren't toxic to me but help me along my path and cherish the few I'm left with. This includes my family. I am now working on our relationship as a couple as I have been playing for too long the role of parent and caretaker, you may see a post from me later about that.
Hugs, I know this is hard stuff. And yes one thing you should learn straight away. You are beautiful exactly as you are. Cherish those who enrich your life and you will glow love, attracting others like you who can face life head-on to you.
I heard this phrase once...People come into our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.
I think it is exacerbated by our PTSD but even people without PTSD have failed relationships......
The Old Sailor,
