Dear Bloggers,
Let me tell shortly that many years ago we
brought our kids to childcare center and before we had a childcare mother before
they had to go to school and sometimes after schooltime they went there as
well. At these days our lives were running smoothly I was a sailor on passenger
vessels and my wife worked for one of the gas and electricity company and later
on for the phone c company. We earned enough to live on and we got support of
the tax office for the child care part. Unfortunately they f*#ked up big time
and we had to pay back all of the so called support. It turned my stomach
upside down when I saw the numbers on the bill. I phoned them If we could agree
on a payback schedule and man they were though. We lost all our savings and we
had to sell the car to fulfill their needs. I could lucky enough agree on a
down payment for the rest so we at least kept a roof over our head and could
feed our kids
"Just go to your room for a minute, sweetie," I told our youngest daughter as I briefly rub my 10 -year-old daughter's back. "Why?", the girl asks. "Because Daddy is going to tell things that were pretty annoying to us. Or do you want to sit in?" She shakes her head, no, it's old news to her in the years that have gone by she became a young lady who is 19 now. And she has homework to do. Otherwise, it’s quiet in the house: the oldest daughter is at that point in life that she is living together with her boyfriend and had some therapy. Our oldest, is going on a study to go and work in childcare. "She lives just a block away and she is trying to getting away from it all and build her own life.”
We are writing 2014, I am 46, just being a father of two
girls one is fifteen and the other is ten. We got married, seventeen years ago and we
were moving into our new house in Lippenhuizen, Since we both work, we did need
childcare. Part time. So my wife tells me to apply for childcare allowance at
the Tax Office. Not much later, she is on sick leave as she has been mentally
destroyed by a manager who tries to get rid of people who are standing in his
way. After two years she loses her job because the company she works for wants
to end her contract as doesn’t recover soon from her CPTSD. She is not able to
take care of anything and leaves us with the administration of our family, so
we want to stop the allowance. Then follows a message from the Tax Office: 'The
amount to the daycare has already been paid out.' 'But I'm no longer at that
daycare, my child hasn't been there,' is my defense. They don't care about that
at the Tax Office, because we eventually had to pay back three thousand euros over that same year. I just had no idea how. "In retrospect, all the bells should have rung,
we should have done everything at the time to resolve it. But I was not the
best bookkeeper that you can find and together with my daughter we tried to pay
all the bills and debts and we made several phone calls explaining our
situation hard, in the mean time I had to fight for my job, getting a lot of
understanding from my boss but getting rejection after rejection, from the Tax
office to get a solution to pay everything back. And they were pretty stubborn.
Luckily we could close payment deals with other companies and we were in the
middle of my daughters exams. We got life slowly back on the move. It was total
chaos."
From the stress, my wife gains more than 10
pounds, due to the medication the medication made her life bearable . "I
used to learn from my own father: make sure son that you can keep your own pants up. I
thought that was SO important." I was retraining and working for the bus
company on a temps office contract. Now things should work out, at least that
was what I was thinking. But it doesn't work out, because in order to work, my
wife she needs care and our youngest needs childcare. We were also duped by the
new care, things have been changed in the tax system and the shelter gets the money straight away, All of a
sudden we received the bills and reminders. Desperate and in slightly panic, I
also wonder: have I been too naive? "At bad moments I almost break down
from feeling stupid," did I make the same mistakes again?
I probably could write a book about it, but in a nutshell: the financial misery is increasing, as the debt is now several thousand euros. "And then we did something we should never have done. We took out a loan to pay off the debts. We thought we would be able to hold out for a while." As I say that, our second daughter walks in, along with Mom. She goes upstairs as she doesn’t want to interrupt while I am writing this story and my wife plops down on the couch: "Another long day ahead of us." "But not as long as it used to be," I complement her, and for a moment our gazes cross. We can remember it well: how she worked day shifts, and I worked late and night shifts, how we have struggled in their off hours and weekends. "If I had to do it again, I would probably fall over. We barely saw each other, the guilt and debts grew, we stuck our heads out and my wife’s mom and dad lend us several thousand euros which we paid back with every penny we could miss. At least we did not stick our heads in the sand. What else could we do?" We didn't really talk about it. Not with each other, no time for that, and my wife could not follow this anymore as she was mentally destroyed and had enough to just get through the day.
And no we did not talk about it with others, too much shame. And it feels
like failure to me. In my family, you don't hang out the dirty laundry.
"And we had two kids that needed clothes and they had to get their
stomachs full, because we were poor it did mean to ask the kids to help out
sometimes but we luckily never ended up in a marriage crisis." At a certain moment
we closed our doors more and more. "Only her mother and other relatives we
still allowed here. She knew about it and helped without naming it. Then my mother in law she'd
say, 'Come on Jacob, put on your coat, take the kids and we'll go to the Aldi and you
fill up the shopping cart with whatever you want and what the kids like. I'll
pay for it.'"
The mail became more imperative, "In the
name of the king," it would say. And: 'Restraining order. Bailiffs
followed. "We taught the children: when the doorbell rings, act very
carefully, they must not enter our home. So our kids went to the door when the
bell rang. Even when bailiffs rang the bell." My daughters told them to
come back an other time. They couldn’t do anything as our daughter was a minor
and my wife was very ill and could not talk to them. She was bullied, at school, she only told us that in a later stage. Just like that she only told us as well later, "I was hungry pretty often.
"That's what kids do. Who see: mom and dad are struggling, they spare them.
Children have a thunderous sense of when something is going on." An empty
refrigerator, second-hand clothes and, at one point, no longer than five
minutes showers. "As a parent, you pretend everything is normal. I made
fun of everything."
There were agencies demanding money, but no
agencies were offering help. "The school didn't come here, they immediately
called in community service. Terrible times, just trying to remember?" Says my wife and she
nods, "You were checking every day before school to make sure they didn't have
holes in their clothes, putting those lunchboxes as full as possible so no one
got suspicious." One time our youngest had a hole in her shoe and she told her teacher that we did not have enough money to buy new ones for her. "The next day
the teacher got her some shoes to keep her feet warm." Me: "I felt so embarrassed and empty and felt I had totally failed as a father." Debts had now gone up to our top
all because of the loan, fines, unpaid bills. The pressure on our relationship
was also mounting and no I am not a quitter so it was not going to result in a
divorce. We sold our house and moved to a smaller house, we took the money that we earned out to
pay off debts the house we bought back was needing a lot of work to be updated
and so we wanted to get a higher mortgage only the bank would not give any
credits so we had to get a loan again. We are in the middle of the process with
the Tax office to get this fixed so we can live a happier life.
We are now applying for help at the council as
our children missed a lot due to all of this and through a social worker there
might be some money for a new bike and school stuff for the children. "It
was the first social worker who cared about us and applied for a fund.".
The children's rooms may have been furnished, but
we sleep on a bed that is almost thirty
years old. The mattress is in a poor condition. And then comes the day when
my body signals that it's too much. I
suffer from arthroses and I did end up in the hospital care. This is followed by
rehabilitation getting of the meds that I have been on for years and later at
home. Meanwhile, the family no longer has extra debts only for the house. The refrigerator is
stocked again and hot water flows in the shower again. I just share our story,
thinking we have been lucky they did not take our kids from us and we have
survived this crazy part of life. "I asked my daughter if she was sure she
is okay with her youth? Then she said,
'Dad, if we hadn't been so embarrassed, and unknowing maybe help would have come
sooner.' She is so wise." She has become very price-conscious, I still go
together with her to the supermarket as she doesn’t have a car yet. She has
given herself some pocket money, but
hardly ever spends it. "I don't want to use that until I need it,"
she then says. "When we saw the other day that some euros had been debited
from her account at a clothing store, we joked about it at the table: 'So, did
you finally spoil yourself?' Then she told us she had bought a shirt for her and her friend." As her friend had to choose either paying the food for the coming days or this great shirt. She has a good heart and when the time is right she will pay me back anyway.
"My tears, they've been so on the surface
the last few months." Breathe in. Exhale. "My daughters are too
mature for their age. We are doing pretty well now; we are slowly healing, I
think. I am teaching the kids that they are allowed to feel what they are feeling.
They are allowed to cry and talk about everything. I didn't do that myself for
too long. Now we are learning this, together, as a family. But the childhood of
those girls, part of it was taken away from them. And I am kind of wizard if it comes to solutions in life itself, although loosing your childhood is irreplaceable. And no I can't buy that back for
any amount of money."
The Old Sailor,
