May 28, 2009

We need a bit of luck and happiness in our lives.

Dear Bloggers,

One of my best mates is bullied at work, very audible as mature people act like infants. However, it got me to think, why does it give such a mental chant ?
So here are a few tips for the victims, or should I tell them cheer up and start to look at the bright side of life:




1. Luck: What exactly is happiness and how to obtain it?
Luck or should we call it happiness it is like a butterfly, all of sudden it is there and the next moment it was gone.
And that's good because fortunately these are moments that you should remember.
It is not constant, because then you would not sense it anymore.
It is like your norma surrounding. If you are being there every day, you're eyes would not catch the beauty of it anymore.
If you are going there on holiday it is new and you see how beautiful it is.
Luck, has to touch a string in you.

To obtain luck or happiness you have to leave something or to do something and that is precisely the intention of it.
You need to do something for it.
It is also your luck so you know yourself how to obtain it.
Maybe not always consciously, but unconsciously you know.

Happiness or luck is personal, feel inside yourself or go for it, do it or look for it, because most happiness you get trough looking and feeling.
You also need to be a more feeling person from deep within yourself and bring those feelings out.
Everyone has luck within him or herself, but you have to dare to show it to the outside world and dare to believe in yourself that it is there for you.
It is not needed to be big things that make you happy and feel good.
Happiness or luck is an intense love for yourself in a loving environment or situation.
So it is not about the other but about yourself.
Everyone must work for his own happiness, then you will get a confluence of the happiness of each other that radiates an intense love so very happy to be great for everyone.
As a large waterfall that starts small and grows.



2. Intense Living:
The weather here is nice and sunny so naturally we should exchange some ideas on paper.
See that butterfly, he lives an intense and short but he lives as if it was his last day.
He enjoys the sun and even the rain.
For example, you should live like it is your last day.
Not really, but intense, try it, but it will still not be easy.
And of course you do not want to think that it is your last day, but intend to live like it.
Look at people who are seriously ill, as they live there life if it depends on it.(an expression of your own, Old Sailor).




3. Anxiety and satisfaction:
But there are many more important things in your, and my life that are absolutely worth it.
That fear is and that is something we don't have but you do and that is actually a wrong thought or feeling, because you are being influenced by that fear and loose all your energy in it.
That is it, you lose energy with it and you have to get this from somewhere else again and where do you get that from?
So try to be the boss over your fear.
As you get this already during your childhood.
Fear is the greatest enemy of human happiness, it can even be in the way of your happiness if you let fear dominate.
Learn to deal with it in certain situations that require courage of you.
If you are overwhelmed by fear discarding a portion against love and talk to your friends.
You know that helps.
But you must itself begin to overcome.
This is another step to happiness and satisfaction.
Oh, yes, satisfaction, even something.



4. Lessons of life:
Oh dear, life is too good and too interesting to ignore it and let things lie around.
You say: that you onlylive once, that is an expression and life at the moment is of course only once, but you take so much with you to the next lives.
And the next time now on earth or anywhere else, it does not matter.
So see it as little things that you meet in life, and sometimes undergo.
Although it is not always fun, later you are proud of it, that you had to do this and you will see what you have learned out of this.
Life, whether you live your or our lives, and the lessons are very beautiful lessons that is something that you can take from me.



5. Old and enjoy:
Just as you think if someone is 80 that his time is coming soon.
This is a brainwashing.
You people should also not so busy and concerned with your age.
Age is not important.
It is not how long you've lived but how you have lived.
You may become very old but if you are 100, but had no fun in your life, you have reached the 100 but it also makes no sense.
Then you better become 60, but have enjoyed every minute of it.
Enjoy what you have and everything you are experiencing in life and that "you" does not include the stuff that you have, but what you have around you, the overall picture, people, friends, children, the place where you live, the whole, enjoy it. And the small precious moments of intense luck or happiness enjoy it and remember for what you are living.
You live to enjoy, not to be annoyed.
Enjoying makes life so much more precious, fuller and happier but you usually do not make any time free for it, or you normally run very hard past it.



As I wrote last time: And I think what messes us up the most is that we all have this perfect picture of the way things should be.. Well there will never be a perfect picture. The advice from my side is don't let your head hang down and fight this crazy situation as long as you believe in yourself, you will be someone.
So turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.

The Old Sailor,

May 22, 2009

Slowly we are getting somewhere!

Dear Bloggers,

Do I have to call myself a “sick” man?
I went to the rheumatologist this week and it was getting a bit closer to a verdict, at least it is not rheuma, but on the x-ray of my lungs there were some doubts and I will be send to the next specialist.
On the second of June, I have an appointment with the lung specialist.
To do some more tests and hopefully to elimenate the Besnier - Boeck disease.
This disease is also quite good in hiding, although if you get the granulomas on your skin they are pretty obvious, I would say.
I have just been wandering why this disease is so hard to figure out, as we are having so much knowledge in this western society.
Oh... for crying out loud can somebody tell me what is going on.
I found the following item on the wikipedia site.(this is pretty depressing, nice stuff for rainy days.)





Sarcoidosis (sarcoid = sarcoma-like, -osis = a process), also called sarcoid or Besnier-Boeck disease, is a multisystem disorder characterized by non-caseating granulomas (small inflammatory nodules). The cause of the disease is still unknown. Virtually any organ can be affected; however, granulomas most often appear in the lungs or the lymph nodes. Symptoms usually appear gradually but can occasionally appear suddenly. The clinical course generally varies and ranges from asymptomatic disease to a debilitating chronic condition that may lead to death.





The cases that it leads to death are not even 5% but it seems to be difficult to diagnose it.
Maybe it might be more positive if they can elimenate sarcoidosis it will be diagnosed as fibromyalgia, a very painful but not destructive disease.
(anyway I will be placed on a course together with my wife how to deal with the pain and how to deal with practical things in life.)
Also for my partner is this a complete turn around and she will have to learn to help me in so many different ways.
As it will be difficult for the both of us to deal with the fact that I cannot do certain things in life anymore and she has to offer a helping hand.





Fibromyalgia (new lat., fibro- fibrous tissue, Gk. myo- muscle, Gk. algos- pain), meaning muscle and connective tissue pain (also referred to as FM or FMS), is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (tactile allodynia).[1] Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness.

I was also send to dietician to loose some weight and get another style and rythm of eating.
As soon as they have diagnosed what it is, I will be send to a fysiotherapist to learn to move in the right way and have breaks in between and to force myself to rest, eventhough I have a good day.





It is great to finally know what it might be, but on the other hand it is scarey.
Thank god the sun is shining on this cloudy medical future.
Well let me end with the following qoutes:"That pain doesn't hurt me, neither does life, it doesn't matter what happens, I will survive!" and "I think what messes us up the most is that we all have this perfect picture of the way things should be.. So turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you."

The Old Sailor,

May 12, 2009

painful fingers

Dear Bloggers,

If you find yourself moved to write me about something, you may reasonably expect to get an answer.
That isn’t likely to happen, though, and I’d like to tell you why. I simply cannot be your pen pal.



Three or four months ago I woke up one morning, showered, dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee and jumped in my car to go somewhere.
That was when I discovered that overnight, without warning, my right hand had so enfeebled itself that I couldn’t turn the key in the ignition.
The rest of my body seemed to be aswell affected, so I reached over with my left hand to start the car, meaning to ask my doctor what the hell was going on this time at the next chance I got.



I will start from the beginning I went to my own doctor and told her about my stiff fingers and being totally stiff in the morning hours.
As we came to the conclusion that I had mentioned this last winter as she looked through my files.
We blamed it on the cold and moisty weather and that it would disappear when springweather would come.
A few months later I took up the talk again as there was no progress in my situation.
There are good days and there are bad days.
It is getting so bad that getting up in the morning has become a challenge.
The morning stiffness is the biggest issue, after a hot shower I am getting slowly in motion.

I ended up talking to a doctor of internal diseases and an eye doctor, being subjected to various high-tech tests.
What’s going on appears to be a rheumatological problem.
Fortunately for me, they take their time about it, but they’re pretty thorough.
The fingers of my right hand are the worst affected so far.
What makes that annoying is that I use that hand for writing.
At least the first draft of a lot of my blogs was written by hand.



That option is no longer open to me, because my handwriting, always atrocious, is now often quite illegible even to me.
Also my job is getting to heavy and it is bitter if you have to give up on something you like.
One of the biggest problems is the fatigue attacks and the sleeping disorder.
Being tired all day is very heavy, but I am starting to turn things around.
The pain I am living quite good through, although it is hard sometimes.
I try to see the positive sides of my situation.
If I go out for a walk to get my body in motion, I breath in the fresh air and enjoy what nature is showing.



Remains the computer.
That still works for me, but not easily.
I can still touch-type with my left hand (in the old days at almost about fifty words a minute not superfast but good enough) but the right hand can only hunt-and-peck with the forefinger.
Not that I was that good in typing with all fingers something I never learned eventhough I had a course in it.
Isn’t life hilarious?

This is bad news.
It’s horribly slow and prone to a million mistakes, which I have to correct as I go along, and, worst of all, after a page or two my right index finger begins to get pretty painful.
So my writing time, whether for blogs, letters or any other task, is limited. Therefore, at least until I finish a couple of things I really want to write, correspondence time is squeezed even harder than my cervical nerves.
A blog like this normally took me one or two hours, now it takes up to four days.



And listen, this isn’t a plea for sympathy.
Hey, I’m 41 years old.
That means that I am far luckier than most of the people I know in being still able to write at all.
It’s just to say that if you ever happen to think you should properly have had a longer letter or mail from me, or indeed any letter or mail at all, it isn’t that I don’t treasure you, it’s just that my fingers hurt.

The Old Sailor,

May 4, 2009

Spring has come at last

Dear Bloggers,

Spring has come at last to the low country.
Heralded in by the song of the frogs in the duck pond, the roaring sound of agricultural machinery is all around.
The air is alive with the constant song of native birds, the melody and harmony of all these birds is telling the story of the spring.

I used to say I can tell the season by my hands.
Yes, it’s spring.
A blister from shoveling, a blood blister from pliers, a torn cuticle from a hammer, a cut finger from barbed wire, and more.
My hands are swollen in the mornings when I wake up.
I do not like that feeling.
I know they have worked.
My hands are my tools.
Their idle time is over.
My wedding ring no longer fits.
I managed to squeeze it off, rather painfully, and now I am waiting to see if we can have it stretched to accommodate the swelling.
I miss the feel of the simple metal band, no longer there on my hand where I expect to feel it.



Also my hands and wrists are swelling up now and I have days that I cannot wear my watch as it is too painful.
And working in the garden is long time ago.
When I was diagnosed with costocohondritis and figured out that my body was my enemy in this case.
Ok I still was mowing the lawn on good days, but shoveling or redoing the tiles and oiling the deck has not been my job anymore.
Although my wife has taken over these jobs and my kids are helping to pick the weed, I really feel manytimes that I became useless.
Sometimes I sit down and cry as I can hardly bear it that my body has so given up on me.
Everyday is different and I experienced pain in the strangest places.
Although it hurts like hell every now and then, I keep on going as everybody tells me to keep in motion.


A good reason to keep on moving

A biking tour from 30km as in my “old days” I can dream about that, but if I can keep up on doing my daily tour of 3 km.
When I come home I am fully done and crash into a deep sleep on the couch.
What the **** has happened to the old me.
It is not that I want you to feel sorry for me but it can be mighty frustrating,
I try to enjoy life as much as possible.
There are enough negative people in this world.
I am doing my best to make my wife and kids as happy as I possibly can.

Living off in the countryside has given me the opportunity to experience my fair share of country stories.
Most of which, I really can not tell you… but here’s one that is rather appropriate.
It involves herbal love… and gardening!
The days that I was young I had a teacher who was much into herbs.
They lived very close to nature and they were nearly never sick.



Now I am having pain and the medical people can still not really figure out what is attacking my body from inside.
The only thing they give you are painkillers (bad motherfuckers) as you are being high of them all the time and your body is ending up with a lot of toxic waste.
When I asked the therapist if there was a friendlier way of taking the pain.
She laughed and said I cannot cure you but maybe I can make your live less painful. But do not expect miracles, well it is a bit short term but I am using a little less painkillers.
It is a herbal mix and I have too follow the schedule, let’s hope it will give more results on the long term.


The flower that might give some relief

My question is why are these people still placed in the corner of witches and charlatans?
Why don’t we look at nature as a pharmacy and we still have not discovered all curing plants.
And why are all these doctors so afraid of these natural healers is this only because of money?
I should think that they should join eachother and believe in eachothers knowledge. So we need to spend less money on finding the right medication by listening to the patient.
I am quite a sceptic if it comes to medication at all, but I am not afraid to try new things.

I am waiting for less rainy days in my life.

The Old Sailor,

April 27, 2009

Bad days can have good moments

Dear Bloggers,

For now this will be the last blog written after work as I will write the coming ones from ashore Due to heavy pain caused by some kind of arthritis like problem, I have had a few bad days but I have enjoyed the good moments of them. It is just that the job is becoming too heavy for me at this point and I have to live on strong painkillers just to make it through the day. So I will call in sick for the next few months and hope that they can at least give me a diagnoses of what is hitting me so hard.


<

I must say my days go pretty well. I'm past feeling burdened by every thought, sight, body movement, and interpersonal interaction. I've moved into a phase of feeling mostly like myself while still experiencing moments of muscle cramps and muscle aches each day. (Surprise!)
Only the nights are like a cheap horror movie, I wake up in the middle of the night due to this razor blade sharp pain attacks and they come without any pre-warnings. I have to get up and go for a hot shower too take the sharp edges off.



A wise and elderly person (my dear mum) told me years back when I was a little sailor, that even when it is though times you have to try and look for the sunny side of live, and it can be pretty clouded I can tell you.



"Sometimes it's hard for you to keep up the dance of daily life while you are processing your feelings. Nevertheless, you can do it, even if you are hurting inside. Keep in mind that your emotions are raw and tender now; they wouldn't survive in their present form if they were on public display. Don't judge yourself negatively; you'll know when to share your heart."

I read this once somewhere and saved it in my notes for later and look it became useful today .


I thought that was pretty applicable! I am keeping up that dance. From the outside, all looks normal with me. (I think. I hope!) And I feel fairly normal — for good, long stretches of every day — from the inside. Although it is sometimes hard to laugh, when you are in a lot of physical pain, and having a sunny character that is held back by medication.





But inside is definitely where I'm keeping what remains of those raw, tender emotions and cutting through pain of all parts that can move. I've reached a point at which I don't feel better letting my emotions out. Talking about them doesn't help, but hanging on a bit and nursing them does. I am simply not the person that wants to be someone they feel sorry for. I hold my head up high as long as I can.

All in all, I'd say time is doing its thing.

The Old Sailor,

April 21, 2009

What is the cause?

Dear Bloggers,

I am quite a humorous person and not really that old, ok I have a few grey hares but still I do not except that people stand up for me or feel sorry for me. It is just that my body is refusing to work with me. This means that I have to stop working for a while and that is even more painful for me. The frustrating part is that giving a diagnose is not that easy. I checked on several sites and forums and my goodness there are a lot of sad stories (for some it took more than 4 years to find a suitable diagnose.)






The following parts I found on the internet and now me and the doctors have to pick one of the diagnoses or what ?









Fibromyalgia is considered to be a syndrome—a set of symptoms that occur together but do not have a known cause. There are theories as to what may cause it, but there is not enough evidence to support any single theory. People—especially women—who have a family member with fibromyalgia are more likely to develop it themselves. It has been recognized as a medical disorder only since the 1980s.
Some theories suggest that fibromyalgia may be linked to:
• Oversensitive nerve cells in the spinal cord and brain. Oversensitivity may be due to changes in chemicals in the brain or spinal cord that regulate pain. As a result, the person senses pain more easily, and widespread muscle pain occurs.
• An imbalance in the brain chemicals that control mood, which results in a lowered tolerance for pain and may also cause an unrestful sleep cycle and fatigue. Once this happens, a person becomes less physically active, and the muscles and tissues become more sensitive and painful and more easily irritated.
• An imbalance of hormones such as cortisol and growth hormone. Their release is controlled by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus. Imbalances of these hormones can result in fatigue, mood changes, concentration and memory difficulties, a lowered tolerance for pain, and other symptoms.
• A disturbance in the deep phase of sleep. Some chemicals, such as growth hormone, are secreted by the body during this phase of sleep. If sleep is disrupted, the body produces less of the hormone. Disturbed sleep may be both a cause and an effect of the pain of fibromyalgia.
Many people connect the beginning of their fibromyalgia symptoms to a certain event. These events can include an illness such as the flu, an injury or surgery, or emotional trauma and stress. An event of this type combined with other factors, such as increased sensitivity to pain and an ongoing sleep disturbance, may lead to fibromyalgia syndrome in some people.






Or is it Lyme disease?





Lyme Disease Symptoms
• The initial infection can occur with minimal or no symptoms. But many people experience a flulike primary illness or a characteristic rash several days to a few weeks following a tick bite.
• The flulike illness usually occurs in the warm weather months when flu (influenza) does not occur.
• The rash is a red rash that grows in size daily. It is called erythema migrans.
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines this rash as a skin lesion that typically begins as a red spot and expands over a period of days to weeks to form a large round lesion, at least 5 cm (about 2 inches) across. A red circular spot which begins within hours and is smaller is usually a reaction to the tick bite.
When the rash occurs at the site of the tick bite, it is called a primary lesion. Multiple secondary lesions can occur that are a reaction to the infection and are not due to multiple tick bites. All of these lesions can grow up to the to the size of a football. This growing in size is characteristic of Lyme disease.
• Left untreated, symptoms of the primary illness usually will go away on their own within a few weeks although the rash may reoccur.
• Later, additional symptoms may occur. The organs affected later may lead to the following conditions:
Facial palsy is paralysis of the facial nerve that causes the facial muscles to be uneven (This may get better without treatment.)
Nerve inflammation causes numbness and tingling in the arms or legs
Intermittent episodes of arthritis last about a week and usually involve the knee or wrist. These may recur over periods of weeks to months, and if the Lyme disease remains untreated, about 10% of people who have these episodes develop persistent arthritis in the knee. Occasionally, people with Lyme disease can present with an acute arthritis in the knee without a clear history of a rash or other joint complaints.
Inflammation of the heart (carditis) results in irregularities in heart rhythm.



I am all at sea ......................... lalalala, long live the painkillers.





All in all I am fitting nearly in both pictures, is there anybody that is not a 100% sure of what it is. But it is time to hurry with at least a treatment.

The Old Sailor,

April 11, 2009

Already today my body has become my enemy

Dear bloggers,

Yesterday was the day that I had to go to the hospital; hopefully they will come soon with some results as living with pain 24/7 is unbearable.
At least that is what I think.
As all the results of yesterdays examinations brought absolutely nothing.
My day at the hospital started at 09:30 and ended at 17:00 well I was fully in a sarcastic mood when we went home.
Only a lot of frustration was what they could offer me, and for **** sake it is eating me alive.



If they can at least tell me what my future will bring me, and even if it means that I can work only a few days a week.
It will give me something to struggle with.

Well this how my day looks like, when I am home.
I love my family and I know they love me.
A little understanding would go a long way.
It is 6:15 am. I stumble towards the bathroom as hot water is a relief and helps me to get in motion.
Already today my body has become my enemy.
Some days are worse than others, and I have not held myself back enough lately.
I have been enjoying my kid's playing outdoors too much.



The pain bothers me all night long every night, all day every day.
No position is comfortable.
I keep moving and trying to position my body so it won’t hurt so badly.
The alarm goes off, I wasn't asleep but it still surprises me.
When I stand PAIN! My feet hurt so badly, and it just goes on up my body like a tidal wave.
Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes.
I try hard not to let any one see me when it is this bad.
Just my wife but she is most of the time sound asleep.
Some days are worse and this day is worse.
I just keep moving, walking praying my muscles and joints will loosen up enough for me to enjoy the morning with my daughters.



I want to take my muscle relaxer and a paracetamol when they leave.
Words cannot describe what I feel; is it called fibromyalgia or polymyalgia or is it Lyme disease?
What ever name it is given it has had me in its grip since this winter.
Sometimes I don't know what causes it.
It takes me by surprise I may make a soft grunt or moan.



I am feeling horrible and it is coming out as I am grumpy and burst out in anger if they are not listening.
I know it is wrong to yell at the ones that you love.
But god it is difficult sometimes.
You know that no one wants to hear you moan or complaining.
The pain has control, I am exhausted, my whole body hurts, and even my eyes feel dry and gritty.
It feels as if my bones are cutting through my muscles, tendons and skin.
It feels as if I am metamorphosing, my muscles can no longer support my bones and are melting away.



I feel I am turning into something ugly; I don't want to go out unless I absolutely have too.
It hurts and I am so tired of this PAIN second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, week after week.
I cannot keep up with housework; the rare visitor probably thinks that I am lazy.
I see the looks I get. I am not lazy. I am disabled (ugly word).



I work still a full time job at the receptiondesk of a ferry, raising together with my wife two daughters.
I did all of this at the same time.
I was strong, the busier I was the more I loved it, but all of a sudden I had to take it easy and it was the start of a life full of pain.
I say this to people who don't have Acute Chronic Pain; do not judge me.
I may look normal enough if you don't look close.

But know this you are fortunate.
I am in constant, unending, unrelenting PAIN.
It rules my life, my family’s life.
It seems I only exist at times.
My empathy to all of you who suffer as I do.

It took me a while too write this story, but it is worth it as my life is at certain times pretty frustrating.

The Old Sailor,

Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,   Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process throug...