July 6, 2014

A trauma is something horrible to live with



Dear Bloggers,

Let me start this story with a bit of introduction of who I am in my daily life. I am a person with a wide range of humor and I am also pretty down to earth. I am not known for being high emotional or quickly into panic. Unfortunately I blew my fuses out a while ago. This was a weird roller coaster ride of old memories that were buried a long time ago. As this state of mind might become dangerous I took a step towards a psychologist to find out why this part of my memories took over the main control. 


A trauma brings with it flashbacks of memory and strong emotions, which are often uncomfortable and difficult to cope with. Typically these symptoms are followed by the fight or flight response…. This is just natural; as instinct tells us to do everything we can to avoid pain and discomfort. Unfortunately, avoiding trauma symptoms can be detrimental instead of helpful. Resisting and avoiding trauma symptoms often brings on more intense emotions as well as increased frustration, anger, and panic.



I often use this analogy to explain why this happens: Imagine you are out in the ocean, far from shore. Giant waves are coming, very intimidating and scary. The first instinct is to fight, to swim as hard as you can back to shore. However, unless you are a physical anomaly, you only end up exhausting yourself and don’t get closer to your goal of safety. When exhausted, you are at higher risk of drowning. Thus, survival experts advise that the best thing you can do in this type of situation is to allow your body to relax to conserve energy, floating instead of fighting. This gives you a better chance of getting through the ordeal and allows time to calm yourself so you can think clearly about what to do to in order to survive.



I was advised to do the same thing when I am experiencing traumatic symptoms. On many occasions during my life, I have seen shock and confusion on their faces when I tell them to stop fighting their symptoms and to just go with them, instead of making them worse, but also not fighting or avoiding. It sounds absurd, I know, how to advise others against fighting panic, awful memories, intense emotions, and flashbacks. After all, don’t we want relief from those symptoms? Of course we do. It is natural to want to be without pain. I was asked by my therapist to take the risk and try just riding the waves of my own symptoms, experiencing and observing them without feeding into them and making them worse and especially all the while not trying to make them better, either.



When we try to make our symptoms better by fighting or avoiding them, we are often fighting a losing battle. The body and brain are amazing. They know what they need to do to work through trauma, and we often get in the way of that process because it is uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful. Healing often involves pain. Think about a time you had an injury of some sort (a broken bone, sunburn, a cut, or any other physical ailment). Think about the healing process and how it wasn’t always comfortable. Often there are uncomfortable or painful sensations that come as a result of the body trying to heal itself.



The same is true when we have experienced a traumatic event. Our brains need the chance to process what has happened. When we fight or avoid the discomfort, not only do the symptoms last longer and become more intense, but we become frustrated because we were not successful in getting rid of the symptoms as soon as we wanted to. 



The good news is this my therapist said: “I have seen the awe on the faces of people when they allow themselves to experience and observe their symptoms, and find that it does indeed work to decrease the intensity and duration of their emotions, flashbacks, and panic. They find that their symptoms have far less power over them and they are able to increase their ability to function in their lives.” This is what riding the waves is all about. The goal is to decrease the suffering in a way that is conducive to healing.




To learn to do this, I would advise that someone experiencing a trauma to reach out for professional help for a few reasons. First, this process can be scary, and a professional can give you the support and monitoring necessary while you are developing this technique. Also, additional coping skills are helpful and necessary when one is learning to ride the waves of their symptoms. Lastly, a professional can help you to develop a comprehensive treatment plan for trauma that will be tailored to your individual needs so you can get the best outcome possible.


Believe me it is better to find help than to drown in your own emotional sea.

The Old Sailor,

June 17, 2014

The Silent Abuse or the Mind Game



Dear Bloggers,


Today I will write about what is happening in my neighborhood to a person that I love. But her boss is an absolute ….. and a bully from the high end. He is probably brought up with this behavior as he is from a total different culture as the Western European one. He really knows how to bring someone down and abuse them until they are leaving.



Crazy enough the company gives them a free hand to play their game unless someone stands up to him and complains. We have all suffered many forms of abuse during your school time  or at work or even maybe at home but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment, 





Deliberately ignored to cause harm to another person’s mental well-being, sent to Coventry and it’s one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that: “If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”


Wrong way of thinking, I would say.


It is abuse to ignore some ones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless and depressed and will cause long term damage that in many cases can lead to the victims’ physical health being harmed.


To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feedback, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a person’s needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse.




It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another person’s well-being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them. The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.



You will stop being a victim when you become the abuser


The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victim’s distress.




The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic for a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled as a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.





The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others.





The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.



Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.


Do you really know the person standing next to you?


Out of all the abuse I suffered the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is the “being ignored” because when I begged for the abuser to stop no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others.




Some justify this behavior and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honorable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, it is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victim’s behavior change slowly but noticeably when it’s out of control by others who are close.


There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close whilst the mental abuser gets to witness the dramatic and extreme behavior change in direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.




The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another feels a lack of care and cannot or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate from being a lively happy and fun person into becoming withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind.



The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop it is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure. Then ignore again.



The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment and again the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again.




The victim’s behavior can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering.



The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defense mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.




The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “Attachment” which means absent to cause harm which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it and walk away and simply ignore it.



The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.


I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner after causing her such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempt to take her own life from where the mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self-doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back. 




It’s not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment from a partner because it is silent but in some cases friends will witness erratic behavior of the victim and they can’t quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see this charming friend they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partner’s displays of distress.




The “silent treatment, ignoring or Attachment treatment” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim partner does as he seeks refuge and portrays himself as the victim in need of support because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot.



This form of mental abuse is often used by the man more so than a woman. It is still a common thing in many cultures were man and woman are not seen as equals.


Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser she will give up fighting back and beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been broken in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or attachment tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled so the man gets what he wants.




Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or attempted suicide as a cry for help and those cries for help ignored by the abuser and have resulted in her death.


Self-harm - deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including rip hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off their hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.




The reason I am touching on this subject is because I found on the Internet a number of women who are going through this same process right now with their partners or have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming them-selves.



I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of abusive behavior during my army days and I myself have gone through the mental health process and contrary to what people believe, I still cannot stand people that are not open to me. All because of one lunatic guy my life has changed as I don't trust a lot of people. And still it is not easy to write about this as the guy who attacked me with a combat knife had totally lost his mind. And yes I have been lucky that my mates saved me that day. I got counselling and the attacker got fired.


Let me go back where I was. Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and attachment methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything.




He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are often found to not contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for his partner and will continue to expect her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to help contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence.




Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the attachment abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.



If the man recognizes he’s an abuser he can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.


When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse? 

The Old Sailor,

May 8, 2014

When you are old and grey



Dear Bloggers,


I came to these thoughts when my nearly 80 year old dad got hospitalized. And after a couple of days he was worried sick about how he could manage at home in this condition. He got a place for the coming weeks in a pensioners home to recover and possibly he might stay here. But that is up to him of course. As my mum past away nearly eleven years ago he is living on his own. Although he is not that mobile as before he does his best to mix and mingle, his health is becoming a bigger and more often an issue. So the question is what is wise and how will my future be. So here is my conclusion that there are very big differences between married, widowers and single persons.


I’m married…and totally bored with articles complaining about the questions couples are asked by concerned friends and family as I worked outside the country as well. For several decades, the supposedly offending questions have not changed: Why did you get married? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you unhappy? Will this relation last? How will you take care of yourself when you are old and grey and your partner is not there anymore?


Of course, no one likes having to defend her or his personal situation; I wouldn’t like defending mine (although to be honest with you, no one ever seems to be that interested in asking me about my relationship status).


But, whether you like being asked or not, the last question is a good one if you are single, married or a happy gay couple or whatsoever with no intention to think about what is coming on your path, then what exactly is the long term plan? I don’t just mean in terms of who is going to take care of you when you can no longer take care of yourself, but how are you planning to afford old age?


A woman who is thirty years old today has a 29% chance of living beyond her 90th birthday and 12% chance of living beyond the age of 95. A man of the same age has an 18% chance of living beyond the age of 90 and a 5% chance of seeing his 95th birthday. Yes we are getting older and older.


These predictions do not take into consideration the possibility that major medical advances will radically extend life expectancy, which given the time frame is likely; most of today’s nonagenarians never expected to live this long.


Every one of us, regardless of our martial status, needs to plan for the possibility that we will live for many decades after we have stopped working. But the need to plan for widows and singles is much greater; not only are they more likely to find themselves buying the services (like housing) but they are likely to be buying those services on a much lower income.


Being married does not provide you with a guarantee that you will have someone to care for you when you are old (although, you have to admit the odds are much better than when you remain single), but being married makes it much easier to accumulate wealth over your lifetime.


Research has shown that the wealth level of married couples at the age of retirement is significantly higher than that of both single men and women, with single women heading into their sunset years with the lowest level of wealth it is less than one third the wealth level of married couples.


And because married couples are able to accumulate more wealth, their income in retirement is also much higher. In fact, one study found that at the age of retirement single women could anticipate living on an average income of only €9.000,- per year and single men on an income of €12.950,- per year, compared with an annual average income of €29.000.- for married couples.


Part of this discrepancy in wealth and income can be explained by differences in the earnings of married men and single men (married men earn more) and the gender wage gap. That strange enough is still existing
The big difference, however, is that it is simply cheaper to live as a married couple than it is to live alone and that lower cost easily translates into higher savings for married couples. And, of course, it is also cheaper to live as a married couple post retirement, which means that married and unmarried seniors experience large differences in standard of living.


A couple of weeks ago I was reading an interview with some well known economists and financial experts to share their biggest financial mistake. I told them that my opinion was just staying single. Don’t get me wrong, there are benefits to not being married, but those benefits come at a high cost in terms of long-run financial well being. As even the tax is still different between married and unmarried couples. That is weird and old fashioned.


Unless you already have a concrete plan, if you are single and someone asks how you will take care of yourself when you are old and grey the answer really should be this: “I have no idea, I worry about that myself.” Live life as you want it but I think that a lot of things in the world need to be changed to a more fair way of making a living.



The Old Sailor,

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