Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts

July 2, 2017

Modern Pen Pal romance.....

Dear Bloggers,

As I am getting older and look back to the days that I wore a younger man's clothes. My live was not specifically very romantic. Although I have to admit that I've met quite a few interesting women. Unfortunately I was either too slow to make a move or to shy to make a move on them. Still these memories keep me busy sometimes, as in my time I had a pen pal and we were writing letters by hand. The excitement was great to wait for an other letter from my friend. 


Deep inside of me there was this feeling of butterflies. No nothing ever happened between the two of us as I did not dare to express my feelings for her. And then one day all of a sudden she had a steady boyfriend. It broke my heart butterflies were drowned in a load of beer and I just carried on. I think that our younger generation is missing all this as they reach each other with media like whats app and Instagram nothing mystique anymore. And typing text feels less personal to me.


And I wonder has anyone else noticed that there’s more ‘digital small talk’ going on these days than real-life face-to-face dating? A good friend and I got talking recently about this modern day pen pal kind of dating dilemma. With the multiple options of being able to text, email, tweet, send a whats app, Instagram or Facebook message. Is it becoming the norm to replace in-person interactions with remote alternatives? A virtual connection is made but it never becomes a reality. There are a lot of unreal people on the net. We did go out on Friday and Saturday nights and we were trying in all our stupid ways to make contact with the other sexes.



Are you currently stuck in a pen pal dating situation and wondering why you’re not meeting up in real life? I brainstormed about this with some other guys who had experienced this kind of dating trouble, and here are some of the reasons that this might be happening:

Have you ever considered that the person you’re messaging might already be in a relationship? A poll revealed that 21% of people between 18 and 35 on dating apps/sites were already in a relationship. In my time these things were more clear. As on these apps it's easier to stay anonymous.


Sometimes people simply need someone else to talk to, to combat their loneliness, but it goes no further than that. Communicating through technology is a way of filling a void in real life but that person may have no intention of meeting face-to-face as that digital interaction is all they need. They could use other places to chat about there feeling so lonely.

Ever been stuck in a long queue? Bored on a train journey? We all look for distractions and ways to procrastinate at times like these. Maybe the reason for your pen pal-esque dating is because this chat is nothing more than a boredom cure for the other person. Such a shame that you pick out a dating site for this. 


Sometimes people use dating sites and apps for reassurance that they are still desirable and attractive. It’s sad but sometimes true – perhaps the conversation with the person you like is nothing more than an ego-boost for them. In my opinion you are not very confident.


Uh oh! If someone is only messaging you when they’ve admitted they’re out with friends, or asking you for photos but not sending any in return, don’t fall into the trap of being entertainment for their mates. This is one of the downsides of the internetposting as there is no time to think about these things. When you are writing by hand you have at least some time to think about this.
 

A reason that pen pal style dating scenarios don’t develop into real-life meet ups is that sometimes the other person has already pigeon-holed you as a back-up plan If things don’t work out with someone else. Remember you should be the number one and not the second option or backup plan.


You might be complaining that your relationship hasn’t progressed to real-life, but have you considered that the reason for this is because the other person is waiting for you to make the first move? If it’s a girl in question, you have to remember that women sometimes like to be chased, so it could just be a case of her playing hard to get in this case.

Blame the technology. Dating isn’t like it used to be. Apps such as Tinder provide a constant stream of new faces to potentially date. Maybe what connects us to people also disconnects us from potential relationships.Too much choice means there’s less of a likelihood of committing to meeting up with one person and we’ll end up interacting online more but meeting up less.


It’s virtually impossible to judge someone’s character solely from speaking to them over an app or website. This person you’re speaking to might be incredibly shy and anxious about meeting up, so that could be why it’s taking a while for it to happen. But I waited too long and she found someone else. Give things a chance to blossom and yes, you may have been talking for a while, but perhaps the other person just wants to get to know you a bit better and feels its too early to meet up. Be patient…


This is the one that no-one wants to hear. Maybe the other person is happy talking to you but they’re just not that into you to take it to the next level and meet up. What to do if you’re stuck in the pen pal-zone. It’s certainly a frustrating place to be and as you can see from the above, there may be lots of different reasons why you’re stuck at this dating dead-end.


If you want to date, why wait? You’ve got nothing to lose by asking, so why not suggest meeting for a coffee? Sometimes it’s just a case of the other person waiting for you to make the move and test the waters. You’ve got over the difficult part of finding someone you like already.




  Remember, you can never lose something you never had in the first place, so it might do you better to cut out the person who is showing no interest in meeting up. Admittedly, with the growing number of dating apps, sites, social networks and ways to communicate, maybe we all need to step back and step away from all this reliance on technology. 


Just start an old trend and meet up in bars or write a letter by hand.
If you’re a single guy and you’re wondering what makes a man irresistible to women…you will not find the answers on a dating site or app. Just go outside and look around you instead of looking at your screen all the time. And simply make contact to the guy or girl next to you on the bus.



The Old Sailor,

January 17, 2013

From Full Steam to Self Esteem


Dear Bloggers,

My eldest daughter is a bit shy when it comes to making new contacts, but with a little help from her parents she is getting less and less a creep mouse and gets slowly more self esteem. Learns quickly if it comes to nasty situations and loves to argue with her mom. I have the feeling that she is growing in the right way.
Self-Esteem:  The Best Gift You Can Give
When I am asking the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most of the people tell me that they are being loved by at least one of them. Then my next question is:  “How do you mean that did you really felt loved as a child?”  Just a few of them remain with the same answer.  No matter where I ask, the response is generally the same.  What does this mean for us as parents? Should we raise our kids differently ?





Self-esteem, especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being lovable.  Whether we know it or not, we are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time.  For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are.  Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide. No matter what if these are our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, touch and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,” “I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and what they deserve in life. 
We, as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously by repeating the patterns that our own parents used with us, or to make a conscious choice to pass on the values we would like to see perpetuated.  It is not always right but also not everything they thought you was wrong, maybe some of them were badly explained.

 
My advise is: Pass on the best and throw out the rest.  An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an honest look at your own childhood.  Remember what it was like growing up in your family.  What did your parents do to make you feel loved?  Was their love conditional or unconditional?  How did they discipline you?  Did they believe children need to be controlled?  How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other?  What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you?  Try not to idealize your experiences, but rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family.  Not remembering painful memories leaves you at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.


Our parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them.  Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we wished we would have had.  When my mother died, I thanked her for giving me the passion to parent a different way.

It is better to prepare than to repair.  Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life.  Here are some of the major factors that contribute to self-esteem:
High Self-Esteem
Respect (valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter, and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in, acknowledgement)
Low Self-Esteem
Disrespect, Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism, judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)




Self-esteem begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you.  This love spills over to your children, who learn to love themselves and to love you.  Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth.  Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” 


Bite your tongue.  I have noticed that when I am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said.  I can totally explode when I am in a bad day and having nasty mood swings. My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does mine.  Healthy families remind each other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their failings.  Take time to regularly remind yourself of your goals and values what you want for your children—and you will create that consciously.


Flip your focus.  Many of us have been taught to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.”  Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you want, not what you do not want.

Examine your expectations.  Expectations that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and set us up for disappointment.  Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe in them.  Maintain a balance between high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.



When you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself.  I wished that my mother had told me how to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker.  A large part of self-esteem comes from feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the things we want to do.  Many times, we unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.
Here is a good exercise in self-nourishment.  Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with candlelight).  It is especially revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these activities.  Make a commitment to do at least one activity from your list every day.  This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.



Get rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do.  Listen to what you say to yourself during the course of each day.  Turn up the volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not good enough.”  As you hear the messages, write them down.  Where did they come from?  The reason most people feel bad about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are.  For every statement you record, think of a way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an affirmation as a reminder.  Turn your “stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.  You will be surprised what happens not only for you but also for your children. 



When you are having fun together, love just happens.  Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend with your children having fun.  How much time to do you devote to play?  Most of us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or maybe renting a video.  We have forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store, and swimming with a friend.  Luckily, our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover the child within us.  Play brings a special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.

Discipline without damage.  I often ask other parents what comes to their mind when I say the word discipline.  The most common response is punishment. Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be self-regulated.  When our children “misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame.  When anyone feels attacked, they will shut down to protect themselves from our harmful words.  “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need ________.  Taking the time to formulate an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your buttons are being pushed.  What is coming up in you from your past?  Then you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your parents.  It may come up, for example, that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second day.
Finding new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system with natural and logical consequences. 


Joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half.  In the past, extended families were the rule, rather than the exception.  We no longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood. 

Listen, listen, listen.  We all know what it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not listening.  Most people need to improve their listening skills. Eventhough the one who is talking is a boring talker he or she deserves a listening ear.  I am improving my listening skills.  When you listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish speaking.  Then, reflect a feeling back to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”  If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood what they said. If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly.  This is “win-win” communication, and it enhances everyone’s self-esteem.


Let go of perfectionism.  My wife was a perfectionist and was a master at keeping the house nice and tidy. I am aware of how I did not develope that same tendency as my mom was in that case not wanting to be perfect. My children have helped her to recover from the mistaken belief that anything must be perfect and straight and the other ones could help you to make it nearly perfect.  Because perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated, disappointed, and angry about the strangest things.  Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family and if you are able to change to a less perfect life. There will be many things changed in your life as people around you have to adapt to you as a “new” person. Yes this is hard for persons that have been around you for many years and lost control about this new you. Never mind that they are angry but they should pick up and try the new you. 



In the beginning it is hard to let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and silliness to your life.  Be gentler with yourself and others. A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather provides an opportunity to learn.  When children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises.  The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.



What goes around comes around.  A wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them.  My children are my best cheerleaders since the beginning of my illness together with the changes in my career. They remind me of the fact that perfectionism is not needed and I should let go of it. I’d better look at my ability to succeed something that I can do and they are in there to support me. They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning family in which everyone feels like a success.  It is not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture.  It is worth the effort though.  Happiness and connection happen when you replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and attitudes.  It all begins with self-awareness and a conscious choice.

The Old Sailor,
        

September 20, 2009

How to keep the faith?

"Remain confident in the survival of all positive and negative life experiences."


Dear Bloggers,

It's not that I am deeply religious but I've planned to read the Bible once in my life and I planned to get a better understanding of fellow believers.
If you have the feeling that you have lost everything and it is getting hard to stay positive, you will start looking for getting out of this misery.
If your life slides down towards the valley; you will try to slow it down. But if your mind starts slipping too it is going to be a bit of a different story. I am luckely a realistic kind of person and I can quite quickly adapt to these kind of crisis situations.
Anyway no matter what happens it will give some kind of stress. The biggest challenge is to look for another job as I simply cannot sit back and relax.



The Old Sailor appears no longer to feel safe on the spot where he always was safe. A very familiar feeling when something bad happens to you: literally and figuratively as the ground beneath your feet is sinking away and you from one moment to the other lost all grip. For me such a feeling is recognizable.



And the Bible poet writes: In you oh Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness, turn your ear to me, save me! The poet cries out as the most important thing that should be right in this situation. That there is someone who does justice to you and at least listens to you. You need an ear, which turns to you and will look at you now and what is involved here. A line below the poet asks: Be to me a protective rock? This man feels in a valley, which can be hardly any deeper, a dip where he never will come out. It suddenly calls on me, that this can be seen as my situation.


Only a long way later in the psalm it is the poet that realizes how bad it actually was with him or her. That is why we read, "I am become as broken crockery. A striking image: yourself being the pottery a pitcher, as a part of an expensive dinner set. So worth the trouble of respect: very, cool, healthy. And now suddenly broken, there are cracks in it. Always have felt yourself healthy, suddenly you where not quite sure. For example to live with it always the threat that the humiliating pain comes again as in the beginning. Not sure more of the job, the relationship where you were happy. Your partner to let go, or worse, losing him or her to death.


Broken pottery? never fully and enjoy carefree. Another long way away in the Psalm says the poet? But I trust in You, O Lord, I say: Thou art my God. My times are in your hand? Times, it says there. Time in the plural! Time as a whole firm, solid as a rock. But times, as a succession from one time to a different time, which also wrote Ecclesiastes. A time of joy, a time of sorrow. A time to weep, a time to laugh. Times of ups, downs of times. And all those times together in the hand of the Eternal. Also”My” times. The time of once my health and now became suddenly the time to care about.


The poet of Psalm knows all about this. The poet does not say in this psalm: it happens to me from God. The poet says: there is a hand, which held all the time, held it together, namely: the hand of the Eternal. That contradicts a blind faith in a kind of fatal, crippling fate. Confidence in the Hand that holds you all times of your life around, can create space for it anyway to keep.


We people carry our biography with us. The question is: Do I want to learn something from my life experiences? And dare I ask to be like: where am I?, Am I maybe too much?, Do I enjoy enough?, And where do I go? And last but not least, I dare my time, so my life. My times of ups and my times of downs. My times as a succession from one time to a different time. Can I through the lives of all my positive and negative life experiences remain confident in the Hand? Who holds me and keeps all these times of my life going?


For even as the poet at the end of Psalm 31 wrote to others to say: ”Be strong, all ye that hope in the Eternal” May it be so. I had never imagined such things were in the Bible. Do not think that I'm suddenly converted, but I understand better now that people can draw strength from their faith if the story is explained in the right way.

The Old Sailor,

June 17, 2009

Fear of falling with the bike.

Dear Bloggers,



















I have found a new remedy to keep myself in motion, the fun in it overrules the pain.
And it is great to see that your own daughter is fighting the stabillity issue.
Somedays I have to take it easy as the pain has the lead, but as soon as I can we go for a ride.
She understands perfectly that daddy can not get of his bike so quick and that she has to listen careful to what I tell her to do. If we enter a crossing I learned her to stop and get of the bike.
One of the biggest problems for my daughter is to concentrate as she is sometimes more occupied with talking to me where she should actually focus on her biking.










As you can sense, my daughter of 5 would love to learn how to ride a bicycle, she bikes, but is very afraid to fall. She is now cycling with supportwheels, but to stop and particularly the getting 'on and away' cycles are difficult because she is afraid to fall sho she is getting cramped and worried. However, she is very persisting to learn it and she loves to go biking with me. It is as if her confidence is lacking in her physical capabilities, what she physically can, purely in terms of cycling, stabillity is still her enemy. She notes if she has that under control, it is good. What remedy (s) can I give to support her so that she can learn to trust in herself because fear is a bad adviser.



Possunt, quia posse videntur
(They can do it, as they are convinced that they can do it.)


The Old Sailor,

Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,   Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process throug...